(no subject)
Sand Through a Sieve
SuJu - Hyukhae; I'm pretty sure I was shooting for anything BUT this pairing, but it still turned out like this. >_>
1455 words; PG
He loses them, a little bit at a time.
Donghae blinks and looks around. Eunhyuk is dozing in the seat next to him, head bumping against the window each time the van goes over a pothole. Donghae pokes him into wakefulness, giggling when the other makes a feeble attempt to slap his hands away.
“What do you want?” Eunhyuk asks groggily.
“Hyukjae-yah, where are we going?” Eunhyuk gives him an incredulous look.
“We’re going home, stupid. You came to record Kiss the Radio today with Ryeowook and Donghee, remember? Stop being so spacey and get some sleep,” Eunhyuk orders, closing his eyes again.
Donghae can see Eeteuk in the passenger seat-he always sits there-and Shindong’s snoring is audible from the back. Ryeowook must be in the backseat too, then. They had all woken up early to record and had only gotten in a few bites of cereal because Sungmin wasn’t up to make them omelettes. Donghae had forgotten to brush his teeth in the rush and Eunhyuk had told him it was lucky no one would be able to smell his breath over the radio. Ryeowook had put on a pair of big round frames after recording and giggled when they’d christened him Harry Potter.
“Of course I remember,” Donghae huffs a bit belatedly. He frowns at Eunhyuk’s sleeping face, annoyed by the lack of response. He then yawns, pillowing his head on Eunhyuk’s shoulder, and closes his eyes.
*
Step, step, and-Donghae walks right into Eunhyuk. It sets him off-balance, but Eunhyuk grabs his arm and steadies him before he can fall. The chorus to U stops abruptly, replaced by the myriad of sighs around the room.
“What’s wrong, Donghae?” Eeteuk asks, “We’ve done this dance hundreds of times before, there’s no reason to mess up now.”
“I know, I know. I’m sorry, hyung. Let’s try again,” Donghae says. Eunhyuk’s hand is still tight around his arm, and Donghae shakes it off.
*
“Oweii awoeitnvp waweqiowtfh awetoigan?” the interviewer asks. Donghae tilts his head to the side.
“Um, I’m sorry. Excuse me?”
“Oweii awoeitnvp waweqiowtfh awetoigan?” the man repeats. Donghae’s eyebrows knit together.
“I’m very sorry,” he says politely, “But I don’t understand gibberish.” The other members all turn to stare at him-he can feel Eunhyuk’s eyes nearly burning a hole in the back of his head-and Donghae doesn’t know why.
*
The doctors in crisp white coats explain the results of the tests in a drone of strange medical terminology that Donghae doesn’t really understand. But he understands enough, because someone, maybe Ryeowook, is crying behind him, and Kangin is clenching his fists so hard that they’ve turned white.
Donghae is so, so tired of listening. Eunhyuk, on his right, reaches out and catches Donghae’s hand in his own, intertwining their fingers together. Donghae glances over, but Eunhyuk continues to watch and listen to the doctors.
*
Donghae is tired of being treated like glass, of everyone tiptoeing around him as if he’d explode if they weren’t careful. Kangin insists on escorting him everywhere, even to the bathroom, stalking behind Donghae like a personal bodyguard. Shiwon is even more physical than usual, constantly touching Donghae’s hair or draping an arm around his shoulders or patting his shoulder, as if to confirm in the here and now, Donghae is still alive. Kyuhyun always scoots over to make room for Donghae on the couch, even though Donghae likes sprawling out on the floor for video games. Hankyung is careful to make Donghae’s favorite dishes as often as possible. Eeteuk sees him off to bed every night, and does everything just short of actually tucking Donghae into bed and kissing him good night. Heechul’s laughs are too high and too loud, and Donghae can’t remember the last time Yehsung or Shindong teased him.
“It’s because they love you,” Eunhyuk remarks, “And they don’t know what they can do.” Eunhyuk is the only one who acts as if nothing has changed.
*
Sometimes, Donghae finds, when he loses things, they come back. One day, he’s hardly able to rise from bed, and the next, he’s able to run and jump as much as he wants. But Seunghwan and Kibum the elder have made him stop dancing a long time ago, and Donghae isn’t even sure he knows the steps to Miracle anymore. He doesn’t know how much longer they can make excuses and lie before the media gets suspicious.
Donghae loses his grip on his spoon during dinner and it clatters onto the floor. There is a long, awkward silence as he bends to pick it up, straining to reach. The others know by now that he doesn’t like their help, but his arm suddenly feels like lead, and Donghae nearly screams from the effort. Eunhyuk leans down and picks up the utensil in a smooth motion, and proceeds to feed Donghae the rest of his dinner as though nothing has happened. He wipes away the single tear of frustration that slides down Donghae’s cheek. Eunhyuk’s thumb is soft and careful against Donghae’s skin. Donghae closes his eyes and tries to commit the feeling of his touch to memory.
*
They are in a strange place, a large, open grass field with identical slabs of gray stone lined up in rows. Some of the stones are decorated with flowers. Donghae and Eunhyuk are standing in front of one of the adorned ones; Eunhyuk adds the bouquet of white lilies he brought to the décor and closes his eyes. There are some words and numbers engraved on the stone, but Donghae can only make out “Lee” and “August 8, 2006”. He tugs on Eunhyuk’s sleeve-they’re both wearing button-down shirts and black pants and ties today, at Eunhyuk’s insistence.
“Hyukjae, why are we here?” Eunhyuk doesn’t respond, so he pulls harder. Eunhyuk finally opens his eyes and looks at him, and the expression on his face nearly makes Donghae cry.
“I’m sorry, Hae. Let’s go home.”
*
“Donghae, it’s just a doll,” Eunhyuk says, trying to tug Donghae’s baby away.
“Stop, stop! You might hurt her,” Donghae cries, pulling her safely back into his arms. He cradles her gently and runs a hand over her plastic face to check for injuries. “Her name is Sahyun, and she’s my daughter,” he tells Eunhyuk, “I was going to let you be her other dad, but I don’t think you can be if you’re going to be so mean to her.” He whisks her away to the kitchen to find some milk.
*
“I’m sorry, Donghae,” Seunghwan says, pacing back and forth, “But we can’t hide this from the fans anymore.” He ignores the shouts of protest from the other members and focuses his gaze on Donghae.
Donghae looks up at him and smiles serenely.
Moving out takes less time than expected, because the bags are packed and in the car before Donghae realizes it, and it is time for goodbyes. They, too, go by quickly, a flurry of hugs and tears, but Donghae is careful to remember each one-the way Sungmin clings and clings until he’s gently peeled off by Kangin, the way Heechul’s eyes are red and his voice is scratchy, even though Heechul never, ever cries, the way Kibum’s careful smile trembles.
Eunhyuk is last. Donghae is suddenly at a loss for words, so he reaches out, and Eunhyuk sweeps him into a fierce embrace. When their hold on each other loosens a little, Donghae pulls back just enough to look at his face.
I think I love you, Donghae wants to say, but everyone is watching, so he runs his hand through Eunhyuk’s brown hair.
“I liked it best when it was blonde,” Donghae says.
“We’ll always be Eunhae, you know that, right?” Eunhyuk answers, pushing Donghae’s bangs away from his eyes, and Donghae laughs until he cries.
*
Donghae sits up in his bed, cradling his baby with one arm and propping a big picture book open with his other. He reads out loud to Sahyun, making up words along the way if he can’t read some words on the page. The pictures are very pretty, big splashes of blue and green and red and yellow on the paper.
He looks up when a woman in white clothes, one of the pretty younger ones, opens the door.
“Someone’s here to see you,” she says with a smile, and leaves again. A blonde head peeks in through the door after her. His eyes are warm and brown, but look so sad. He slowly steps into the room, watching Donghae with those sad eyes.
“Donghae-yah…” he says. Donghae smiles at him.
“I’m sorry,” Donghae says politely, “but who are you?”
He wonders at the change of expression on the man’s face.