(no subject)
Well, so after my last real entry that was very long and depressing, I figured I should continue in the epic tale of my life. It's funny how life isn't merely a comedy or a tragedy but is composed of the best and worst of both. I guess you could say things are looking up. My heart still breaks a little each day, but I suppose as Pink Floyd says, I have become comfortably numb. Somethings you can't change and you can't take back, so you just have to suffer the consequences and try and find the best in things. We're supposed to be trying the whole friends thing, so I guess we shall see how that goes. I guess I'm just tired of beating myself up over things. I need to come to some sort of peace with myself over the enitre thing. I'm supposed to figure out what it was that draws me to him, and makes me want to be with him.
Anyway, I've also realized that I am definitely not ready to be with anyone yet. Regardless of any attraction, or whether or not I think I may like a person, it just wouldn't be fair. I still have far too many unresolved feelings with Eric. I need to pick myself up and put myself back together and let myself heal some before I can really open the door up again. But I've also decided in the mean time, I'm not going to try to fall back into my old habits. I don't want to end up making someone think things are going somewhere and then have their heart be broken. Even if it is something that has future possibility, I don't want to drag them along until the future gets there. I would rather be able to start fresh and give them a nice and refreshed me when the time comes. Not have them deal with a tattered and torn version. It just doesn't seem quite right. After all, if they fall for the me when I'm in my current state, where I've quite vulnerable and probably very easily walked all over, I somehow doubt they would be able to deal with the me when I'm on my best game. I'm hardly the quiet submissive type. Anyway, I'm done rambling about all of this. It just has finally helped being able to actually hear how stupid I sound about somethings when I'm forced to talk outloud.
Anyway, I've also realized that I am definitely not ready to be with anyone yet. Regardless of any attraction, or whether or not I think I may like a person, it just wouldn't be fair. I still have far too many unresolved feelings with Eric. I need to pick myself up and put myself back together and let myself heal some before I can really open the door up again. But I've also decided in the mean time, I'm not going to try to fall back into my old habits. I don't want to end up making someone think things are going somewhere and then have their heart be broken. Even if it is something that has future possibility, I don't want to drag them along until the future gets there. I would rather be able to start fresh and give them a nice and refreshed me when the time comes. Not have them deal with a tattered and torn version. It just doesn't seem quite right. After all, if they fall for the me when I'm in my current state, where I've quite vulnerable and probably very easily walked all over, I somehow doubt they would be able to deal with the me when I'm on my best game. I'm hardly the quiet submissive type. Anyway, I'm done rambling about all of this. It just has finally helped being able to actually hear how stupid I sound about somethings when I'm forced to talk outloud.