This Is The End
Ever get to a point where you realize you just can't handle it anymore. Can't handle where you are and what you've become. You're just stuck in a downward spiral heading towards a destination that you have no control over. Somewhere between the Graduation Party page and the Everyone get Leid party page it hit me. Those days really are over. There really is no more of those times. There's no more beer pong in the garage till all hours of the night, no more flip cup challenges, no more deep creek lake, no more of the life in high school. Some where between college applications and now things have changed. I'm no longer that girl. Somewhere things have just fallen to pieces. I've turned into some girl that barely recogonizes her own face. Someone who has driven the people that once loved her away. Someone that gave up the only person that truly loved her for nothing. Someone who can't even stand to be around herself anymore. The life where she had started to believe in happy endings again has vanished and all that's left is the cynical reminents of a girl who once was happy. Where her heart once was are the shatter pieces of a memory. The girl who used to be so happy and carefree and hopeful is gone.
I suppose this is just one of those terrible tricks that life likes to play. You fall in love and then mess it up, only to realize your disaterous mistake once it's too late. I just wish I could change things. I just wish that I could make all of these feelings go away. I just want to be numb to emotion. I want the thoughts that flow through my mind to just disappear. I want him to have to understand what I'm feeling right now. I want him to hurt like I do. I just want him to stop acting like he doens't care.
It's so hard here to, where there really isn't anyone who understands. The one person that actually knows me here won't even give me the time of day. I hate how you act like I'm an annoyance. I hate how you think you can just brush me off and I'll go away. Do you want me to go away? I hate the way you think you can do things like you did and I'll just be ok. I hate that you blame me for what happened when it was as much if not more your fault. I hate that you run away. I hate that in no time you can just erase me like nothing was ever there. I hate how you can just move on to someone new like I never existed. I hate that you have me on such a low level of importance in your life that you can't even make the time for me when I really need someone. I hate that you throw my mistakes back in my face. I hate that you act like I'm the scum of the earth. I hate that you judge me. I hate that you can't even see past all of this to something so much bigger. I hate that despite everything you still have the control. I hate that I can't just move on like you can. I hate that I can't listen to half the music I have because it reminds me of you. I hate that I can't scrapbook anymore because it makes me too sad. I hate that you have a stupid box now. I hate that you won't even respond when I try to talk to you. I hate that even when you say you want to be friends you don't mean it.
I just want to be happy again. I just want to feel like there's some purpose for all of this. According to my philosophy class, life is emphatically good, regardless of how bad things in it are. I'm not quite sure how much I actually agree with that statement.
I find it slightly ironic how I haven't even started to scrapbook the year that eric and I dated in, and now I can't even bare to look through the pictures. That should be interesting to try and do. I just don't understand how something that was so real can suddenly just disappear completely. I know that it's my fault for ending things, but I guess I just needed to understand. I just never really understood. And now that I do, it's too late. I just wish that I could take back everything. I just wish this entire semester could start over. I just wish that I could have seen all of this before.
I just wish that there was someone down here that genuinely cared about me and what happened to me. I just need something to help me get through this down here and there's just nothing there. It's just so hard and everytime I make progress I just seem to fall back down. I guess I just never believed someone that loved me could just be so callous towards my feelings, and so willingly hurt me. I guess I'm just so disappointed in people, in love, and in life. I didn't realize so many things could let you down at the same time.
"Ohh, when I think about the things
I said to you last night
Well I was wrong
I didn't know what I was saying, saying
Ohh anything for once when
you used to hold me so tight
And now it's gone
and we are just typically falling, falling
Ohh don't you love me anymore, anymore
Ohh and don't you see me
Like you used to
Like you used to
You used to see me
like nobody else could
and now it's gone
and we are falling forever, ever
Ohh and when they told me then
that you were not there
I should have to leave
should I take it all behind me, 'hind me
Ohh don't you love me anymore, anymore
Ohh and don't you see me
Like you used to
Like you used to
I'm falling down, falling down
falling down, I'm falling down
I'm falling down, falling down
falling down, I'm falling down"
~The Cranberries
I suppose this is just one of those terrible tricks that life likes to play. You fall in love and then mess it up, only to realize your disaterous mistake once it's too late. I just wish I could change things. I just wish that I could make all of these feelings go away. I just want to be numb to emotion. I want the thoughts that flow through my mind to just disappear. I want him to have to understand what I'm feeling right now. I want him to hurt like I do. I just want him to stop acting like he doens't care.
It's so hard here to, where there really isn't anyone who understands. The one person that actually knows me here won't even give me the time of day. I hate how you act like I'm an annoyance. I hate how you think you can just brush me off and I'll go away. Do you want me to go away? I hate the way you think you can do things like you did and I'll just be ok. I hate that you blame me for what happened when it was as much if not more your fault. I hate that you run away. I hate that in no time you can just erase me like nothing was ever there. I hate how you can just move on to someone new like I never existed. I hate that you have me on such a low level of importance in your life that you can't even make the time for me when I really need someone. I hate that you throw my mistakes back in my face. I hate that you act like I'm the scum of the earth. I hate that you judge me. I hate that you can't even see past all of this to something so much bigger. I hate that despite everything you still have the control. I hate that I can't just move on like you can. I hate that I can't listen to half the music I have because it reminds me of you. I hate that I can't scrapbook anymore because it makes me too sad. I hate that you have a stupid box now. I hate that you won't even respond when I try to talk to you. I hate that even when you say you want to be friends you don't mean it.
I just want to be happy again. I just want to feel like there's some purpose for all of this. According to my philosophy class, life is emphatically good, regardless of how bad things in it are. I'm not quite sure how much I actually agree with that statement.
I find it slightly ironic how I haven't even started to scrapbook the year that eric and I dated in, and now I can't even bare to look through the pictures. That should be interesting to try and do. I just don't understand how something that was so real can suddenly just disappear completely. I know that it's my fault for ending things, but I guess I just needed to understand. I just never really understood. And now that I do, it's too late. I just wish that I could take back everything. I just wish this entire semester could start over. I just wish that I could have seen all of this before.
I just wish that there was someone down here that genuinely cared about me and what happened to me. I just need something to help me get through this down here and there's just nothing there. It's just so hard and everytime I make progress I just seem to fall back down. I guess I just never believed someone that loved me could just be so callous towards my feelings, and so willingly hurt me. I guess I'm just so disappointed in people, in love, and in life. I didn't realize so many things could let you down at the same time.
"Ohh, when I think about the things
I said to you last night
Well I was wrong
I didn't know what I was saying, saying
Ohh anything for once when
you used to hold me so tight
And now it's gone
and we are just typically falling, falling
Ohh don't you love me anymore, anymore
Ohh and don't you see me
Like you used to
Like you used to
You used to see me
like nobody else could
and now it's gone
and we are falling forever, ever
Ohh and when they told me then
that you were not there
I should have to leave
should I take it all behind me, 'hind me
Ohh don't you love me anymore, anymore
Ohh and don't you see me
Like you used to
Like you used to
I'm falling down, falling down
falling down, I'm falling down
I'm falling down, falling down
falling down, I'm falling down"
~The Cranberries