wee little update
So, I don't post on here much (partially because I don't think there's much of anyone who uses LJ anymore) but here's what's been going on.
Around Thanksgiving, I ended a 3+ year relationship with a really great guy, and I'm happy to say that I made the right choice for me. It was actually brought to my attention by a tweet I saw about a woman feeling empowered some days, and feeling like crap other days. Being poly is not for everyone. In fact, I think it's not for most people. It has it's good points, but I've known for a good long while now that it wasn't for me. I stayed in the relationship for at least a year after realizing poly wasn't what I needed to make me happy. That tweet really reminded me of how that felt. Some days, I was a poly posterchild and couldn't laud it enough. Some days, I felt like crap and barely even recognized myself. It didn't have a thing to do with the people in the relationship, because they were better than anyone could've asked for. In the end, it's about being second. Or rather, it's about not being first. All the poly books say not to think of it that way, and if you have sufficient motivation, you can brainwash yourself into believing whatever you have to believe to get through the day. We'd all like to think that we aren't competitive but humans are a competitive animal. Hell, ALL animals are competitive animals. It's how you stay alive. And I don't care who you are, sometimes being second hurts. You can ignore it if you want to, and those are the good days. Some days, you don't mind taking a back seat. The days you can't ignore it, it really sucks. I thought that relationships were just that way. Some days you felt great, some days you felt awful.
Well you know what? I don't have those bad days anymore. I feel empowered ALL the time. Sometimes, being single is a little lonely, but it's nothing compared to the emotional roller coaster of great days and bad days, lonely weeknights and a whole lot of telling myself "don't think like that, don't acknowledge that feeling, it doesn't do any good." I'm happy, I feel more like myself than I have in a long time, and I'm empowered. Now the only thoughts that I discourage are those that are harmful to myself. I try not to think "my thighs look a little extra thundery today", and I try not to think "geez, I wish I hadn't gotten a few of those C's". Those thoughts don't do any good, and I try to keep it positive. It's a far cry from hiding away an entire category of truths from myself so that I could remain in a situation that had stopped being right for me. Change is scary, and a hard truth doesn't make it easy to chuck out a relationship that was just fine, were it not for the circumstances.
I'm glad I made the choice I did. It was hard, and it sucked, and I still miss him and his family. I miss the lifestyle sometimes. But I know this was right for me, and I'm reminded of it every day that I wake up and I feel just fine. I'm reminded of it every night that I go to bed and I'm not in tears because someone isn't there with me. I feel fine, all the time. Sometimes, I feel a little down about normal every day stuff, and sometimes, a lot of times, I'm ecstatic to be alive. I'm lucky in my friends, I've had the opportunity to know a real and beautiful love, I have a nice place to live and plenty to eat, and I have a family that loves me. I feel that I'm a better person for having been involved for so long with two of the most generous and open people I've ever known, and I was only ever treated with understanding and kindness. That's part of what made leaving so hard. Nothing was wrong, except that everything was. The relationships involved were wonderful. The blanket concept was what I no longer wanted to be part of. And now, I'm happy. I'm complete. I'm "single and not looking" as I told a guy at Bunker two weeks ago. I'm happy, am getting to know myself again, and am reconnecting with friends too long neglected. Everything is good. :)
In the spring, I'll graduate from college. What happens after that is a big, giant, scary question mark. Vet School? Grad School? Internships? Plain ol' job? Part of me hopes I get accepted to some further education, because I do like learning, I like science education, and I can't think of a career I'd like better than being a veterinarian. BUT, and that's a giant BUT, 4 years and $200k is no small sacrifice. If I get accepted, I'll go. If I don't get accepted, I'll do something else. The possibilities are wonderful and terrifying. Either way, no matter what happens, I'll be fine. :)
Around Thanksgiving, I ended a 3+ year relationship with a really great guy, and I'm happy to say that I made the right choice for me. It was actually brought to my attention by a tweet I saw about a woman feeling empowered some days, and feeling like crap other days. Being poly is not for everyone. In fact, I think it's not for most people. It has it's good points, but I've known for a good long while now that it wasn't for me. I stayed in the relationship for at least a year after realizing poly wasn't what I needed to make me happy. That tweet really reminded me of how that felt. Some days, I was a poly posterchild and couldn't laud it enough. Some days, I felt like crap and barely even recognized myself. It didn't have a thing to do with the people in the relationship, because they were better than anyone could've asked for. In the end, it's about being second. Or rather, it's about not being first. All the poly books say not to think of it that way, and if you have sufficient motivation, you can brainwash yourself into believing whatever you have to believe to get through the day. We'd all like to think that we aren't competitive but humans are a competitive animal. Hell, ALL animals are competitive animals. It's how you stay alive. And I don't care who you are, sometimes being second hurts. You can ignore it if you want to, and those are the good days. Some days, you don't mind taking a back seat. The days you can't ignore it, it really sucks. I thought that relationships were just that way. Some days you felt great, some days you felt awful.
Well you know what? I don't have those bad days anymore. I feel empowered ALL the time. Sometimes, being single is a little lonely, but it's nothing compared to the emotional roller coaster of great days and bad days, lonely weeknights and a whole lot of telling myself "don't think like that, don't acknowledge that feeling, it doesn't do any good." I'm happy, I feel more like myself than I have in a long time, and I'm empowered. Now the only thoughts that I discourage are those that are harmful to myself. I try not to think "my thighs look a little extra thundery today", and I try not to think "geez, I wish I hadn't gotten a few of those C's". Those thoughts don't do any good, and I try to keep it positive. It's a far cry from hiding away an entire category of truths from myself so that I could remain in a situation that had stopped being right for me. Change is scary, and a hard truth doesn't make it easy to chuck out a relationship that was just fine, were it not for the circumstances.
I'm glad I made the choice I did. It was hard, and it sucked, and I still miss him and his family. I miss the lifestyle sometimes. But I know this was right for me, and I'm reminded of it every day that I wake up and I feel just fine. I'm reminded of it every night that I go to bed and I'm not in tears because someone isn't there with me. I feel fine, all the time. Sometimes, I feel a little down about normal every day stuff, and sometimes, a lot of times, I'm ecstatic to be alive. I'm lucky in my friends, I've had the opportunity to know a real and beautiful love, I have a nice place to live and plenty to eat, and I have a family that loves me. I feel that I'm a better person for having been involved for so long with two of the most generous and open people I've ever known, and I was only ever treated with understanding and kindness. That's part of what made leaving so hard. Nothing was wrong, except that everything was. The relationships involved were wonderful. The blanket concept was what I no longer wanted to be part of. And now, I'm happy. I'm complete. I'm "single and not looking" as I told a guy at Bunker two weeks ago. I'm happy, am getting to know myself again, and am reconnecting with friends too long neglected. Everything is good. :)
In the spring, I'll graduate from college. What happens after that is a big, giant, scary question mark. Vet School? Grad School? Internships? Plain ol' job? Part of me hopes I get accepted to some further education, because I do like learning, I like science education, and I can't think of a career I'd like better than being a veterinarian. BUT, and that's a giant BUT, 4 years and $200k is no small sacrifice. If I get accepted, I'll go. If I don't get accepted, I'll do something else. The possibilities are wonderful and terrifying. Either way, no matter what happens, I'll be fine. :)