A Seaside Story (part 43)
Despite the recumbent feeling that he’s had all evening, that night in bed Subaru is wide awake. Now he has time to reflect, he feels a sense of delayed surprise at Yasu’s sudden display of affection. There’s a not-insubstantial part of him that feels flattered, smug even - not long ago he was starting to question why he couldn’t attract Yasu’s attention in that way despite being the only potential object of desire, so now he actually feels a little vindicated.
But there’s another part of him that finds that reaction disturbing. What on earth was he thinking, kissing Yasu back?! Now Yasu probably thinks Subaru has a thing for him! What’s he going to do when they next meet? Will he want to continue where they left off?
Subaru thinks about that. No matter which way he looks at it, it doesn’t seem as scary as he might’ve expected. Subaru has a lot with experience of girls and girlfriends, but, he supposes, not much of real relationships built on emotions. He thinks about how genuinely happy he was to give Yasu an enjoyable time for his birthday, how pleased he was to see him smile - he doesn’t remember ever feeling that selfless sort of happiness before. In fact, he’s not sure he’s ever felt so motivated to act for someone else’s sake like that. With girls he knew in his delinquent days they both knew what they were after - status, and a shag on demand. Anything he might’ve done for them was pretty much only with that aim in mind. In terms of love, he’s in pretty much the same boat as Yasu.
What would he do if Yasu really did want to carry things on, take them further? Would Subaru mind if Yasu kissed him again? He’s done a lot of other things here he’d never have expected to see himself doing - working, for one - so would it really be so bad? He can’t believe he’s thinking these things. Being alone and untouched for so long has obviously warped his brain. He has become like a prisoner! Yasu is the only person he’s been spending any time with, it’s only natural he’d develop some unusual feelings towards him under such unique circumstances. Isn’t it better than being lonely? He does like Yasu, he’s by far a better person than any of the girls he’s been out with before - and no-one would have to know about it. It could just be in this bubble, this weird separate world away from his real life. No-one would even have to know about it here - Yasu is the only person his age around, they spend a lot of time together anyway...
Besides, says a part of his brain he’s repressed for months, wouldn’t it be good to get some relief? When there was no other option, it was OK for guys to... jerk each other off, or something, right? They’d understand each other’s situations, and another guy would know better how it felt - girls could be too gentle, or too rough, but a guy would understand the male body better. It didn’t have to mean anything, necessarily - just one of those things. It wouldn’t change who Subaru is, he’s just... adapting to the situation. Yeah.
Subaru squeezes his eyes shut under the covers. What on earth is he thinking?! He doesn’t know anything about what gays like to do, he’s never even thought about it before! But now it can’t be unthought. Now the idea is there... maybe his curiosity will be ignited. Or maybe he’ll just freeze up the next time he sees Yasu, remembering what he was thinking about him.
Subaru’s brain is tired from thinking about it, but he can’t stop. He feels like he’s just barely got to sleep when his alarm goes off.
“What’s the matter with you?” asks Sadako when he appears in the kitchen. “You should be rested after a few days at an onsen! What happened?”
“Nothing,” he mumbles. “I just couldn’t sleep last night. Maybe I missed up my sleeping pattern when I was away, getting used to staying up late and lying in,” he offers as an explanation.
Subaru does his best to not break anything, burn anything, stumble over anything or drop anything as he serves breakfast, then tries not to rip anything, spill anything, stumble over anything or step on anything as he cleans the rooms and changes the bed linen afterwards. He’s exhausted by the time he’s done, and is just about to head back to his room for a sneaky nap when, to his dismay, Sadako calls him from the bottom of the stairs.
“Subaru! Can you come down here?”
He sighs and totters downstairs. “What is it?” he says, trying not to sound too resentful.
“Well, you tell me,” she says, and leads him into the front room.
He stops dead in his tracks when he sees who’s there this time. He’s fifty times more shocked than when his mother visited. All he can do is stare. His mind is a blank.
The three people staring back at him laugh.
“Surprised to see us?” says Hina.
Subaru nods, mystified. “How did you know where I was?” he asks, as if in a dream.
“Your mum told us, eventually,” Hina says. “We’d asked about you loads of times but she wouldn’t tell us anything. But a couple of weeks ago we tried again... and she finally told us where we could find you.”
Subaru looks round at them, still incredulous. “But why did you come all the way out here?” He didn’t know how to feel - was he happy to see his old friends, or scared they’d come to make sure he hadn’t sold them out to the police, or worse?
“We missed you, you dummy!” Yoko says, the least sentimental such confession ever. “We wondered what the hell had happened to you!”
Subaru stares at them. Maybe he’s been softened by his time here, and the kindness he’s encountered in Yasu and others, but he really does believe them. He really feels like he has friends who kept asking after him, kept persisting till they finally got some answers, and bothered to come all this way to see him... He smiles. “You idiots,” he says, unable to keep the affection out of his voice. “There’s nothing here! Sadako will make you do chores, try and reform you too!”
“No way,” says Ryo. “We’re here legit! We’re paying money for a room and everything!” He sounds so proud of himself.
“Wow,” is all Subaru can say. “But I mean it, there really is nothing here - you’ll be bored stiff by tomorrow!”
“Well, you’ll just have to keep us entertained!” says Hina cheerfully. “You can tell us about everything you’ve been up to since you disappeared off the face of the planet!”
“That’ll take about five minutes,” says Subaru sardonically, only thinking belatedly that they don’t need to know everything he’s been up to. “But more importantly, you can tell me all about what’s happening in Osaka!” He feels a sudden rush of homesickness for his old stomping ground, keen to hear all the news, even if it involves things he doesn’t want to get dragged back into - he can take it surely, he’s come far enough to not be affected...
“Subaru,” Sadako says again behind him. “Come out to the hall.”
Subaru turns, puzzled at being pushed and pulled about. Does Sadako disapprove of his friends? Does she think it’s a bad idea to talk about Osaka business, even if he disagrees? They’ve only just got here and she wants him to leave them alone? “What is it?” he says, following her out of the room.
“Someone else is here to see you,” she says. “Popular today, aren’t you?” There’s a devilish little twinkle in her eye.
Standing out on the porch is Yasu. Subaru hadn’t even realised he was here, he hadn’t been aware of a knock on the door or Sadako talking to anyone. His head spins a little, trying to keep up.
He takes a couple of steps towards the door automatically, before all the doubts and confusion of last night overtake him again. He stops in his tracks, but Yasu turns and sees him before he can gather his thoughts, and he has to go forward.
“I wonder why he didn’t just come inside like usual?” Sadako wonders aloud, and the hairs on the back of Subaru’s neck rise. That old woman, she knows everything! And she wants Subaru to know she knows, even if she doesn’t really!
Subaru doesn’t reply, but he goes straight out and closes the door behind him, his heart thudding in his chest.
“Hi,” Yasu says, with a shy little smile. He looks almost as nervous as Subaru. “Look... I think there are some things we need to talk about,” he says straight out. Subaru wonders if he lay awake all night too, planning this out.
Subaru looks over his shoulder desperately. “I know,” he says, hoping Yasu won’t think he’s avoiding the issue, for once. “But now really isn’t a good time...”
Yasu frowns. “What’s the problem?” he asks. Subaru thinks he doesn’t sound like he believes him one hundred per cent.
Subaru hesitates, feeling helpless. He hasn’t had time to think, doesn’t know what’s going to happen, but he supposes if his friends from Osaka were going to stay here for any length of time at all, they’d meet Yasu at some point anyway. But why now? Why did it have to be now?! When things are mixed up and awkward and confused? “Come in, and I’ll show you,” he says.
Still frowning doubtfully, Yasu follows him into the hall. As he’s taking his shoes off, Subaru sees the living room door slide open and his three friends poke their heads out.
“What’s going on that’s so secret, Subaru?” teases Yoko.
Subaru is flustered, fumbling for a retort, and at first he’s almost relieved when he hears Yasu, behind him, draw in a sharp gasp. But then he looks at Ryo, whose eyes are wide, and back round at Yasu, wearing the same expression, and he realises that something bizarre is going on, independently of him.
“Yasu?” exclaims Ryo. He looks like he’s seen a ghost.
Subaru turns to see if Yasu is still there, or if he’s disappeared - either into the ether, or back to his house.
He is still there, but the colour has drained from his face as he gawps at Ryo. “Ryo...?” he says weakly.
“You two know each other?!” says Hina, at the same time as Ryo says “We thought you were dead!”
Subaru looks between them, bewildered. He almost unconsciously takes a step back, away from this weirdest of situations, and at the same time realises Sadako is still there at the other end of the corridor, observing it all. Of course.
“I’m sorry,” is all Yasu can say. “I’m really sorry.”
Everyone goes silent, a heavy, uncomfortable silence that Subaru doesn’t know how to break. In desperation, he looks at Sadako, and, although she rolls her eyes at first, to his relief she steps forward.
“Seems like you boys have some things to discuss,” she says dryly, ushering them back into the living room. “I’ll leave you to it. But I’m just going down the hall - so keep it civil!” she warns.
Subaru’s heart is jumping at the tension all around him. He was hoping Sadako was going to send him off somewhere to run some errands, unblock a toilet somewhere, anything! But he knows he’s a part of this as well. Reluctantly he follows the others into the room, and slides the door shut behind them.
TBC