audrey-audrey-oxen-free!
oh goodness, this lil one is being stubborn and ornery just like her ma. it's all a waiting game. i hope she comes out before they want to induce, cuz that would just suck. it would take out all the fun and mystery of waiting for it to happen!
i also hope she comes out soon because it's no fun walking around feeling like there's a 10-pound bowling bowl resting on your pelvic bone. plus, with the heart burn, all i can really stomach is ice cream, which is doing wonders for my 200-pound girlish figure. AND she's gonna be a freakin' HUGE baby cuz back in january she was already 5 lbs, 2 ounces,
anyway, my theory is that she'll come out either on march 10 or 11 when the moon moves into sagittarius. see, i went to this psychic/healer lady last fall, and she said she felt a lot of "fiery priestess energy" in the baby. and with sagittarius being a fire sign... plus, it would be really cool cuz my sun's in sag, and my moon's in pisces, so we'd be all vice versa 'n' shit. fire water! the lady also said my parasite was trying to finish up a lot of unfinished business "on the other side" like there just wasn't "enough time in the day" to take care of whatever it is she needs to take care of. well, damn girl, hurry and finish up your biz-natch and make it planetside already cuz everyone's very excited to meet you!
as the jerv said: "that girl really you should get out more often."
***
so, i stopped taking the prozac about a week or so ago. i thought i was doing fine, but then shit with the babydaddy will come up. little things, you know, but things that just remind me that if i wasn't knocked up he'd be like five or six boyfriends ago by now and i'd have trouble remembering his name. we're just really fundamentally incompatible. (but, on the bright side of things, at least the baby will have some good lookin' dna.)
i dunno. i mean, i suppose he's as nice as someone with no emotions can be. i suppose. but then he'll make some comment and it'll totally make me feel like i used to when i was psycho. and i don't want to take meds just so i can deal with him. i mean, every other aspect of my life is really great. except there's him. and sometimes he'll just bum me out to the point where i feel that psycho feeling wash over me all over again- where all i can do is sit on the couch staring at nothing or hide under the covers and feel hate, and dejection, and the need to destroy things or be self-destructive, and this overwhelming feeling of not being able to move or go on or have the energy or inclination or desire to do so.
and it's just the stupidest things now that trigger that feeling, whereas i could take them more with a grain of salt when i was on the meds. and sometimes now i get extremely bummed to be doing this with a "partner" who doesn't care to treat me as a princess,- like someone to be adored and loved. like he just wants to wrap his arms around me and tell me i'm the best thing in the world and how he just can't get enough of me and how i light up a room for him as soon as i walk in and how even though i'm a fucking tub of lard, i'm still a beautiful sex goddess.
that sorta shit, ya know? i mean, without prozac i'm feeling really needy for that sort of validation.
for instance, tonight, he came over and was talking shit and making fun of the birth and being all sarcastic- "i'm getting teary eyed just thinking about how amazing it will be. bringing another life into this world!" and i had to tell him to shut-the-fuck-up because he was, of course, being the opposite of sincere. and we were sitting on the couch and i had my achy feet up and asked him if he could please, please just rub them for a little while seeing how they're three times their normal size and puffy and swollen and the only shoes i can wear are flip-flops. he made this big exasperated whiney noise and complained about how "tired" he was. so, i didn't say anything, but on the inside i was fuming: "YOU'RE tired, you insensitive, callous asshole? try being nine-months pregnant and overdue." i mean, i'm carrying his fucking child, for chrissakes, but i don't think he really gets that. i mean, i sometimes just feel really, really cheated in this whole experience because i don't have a nice babydaddy. i sometimes think it would be a lot easier if he wasn't around. like then i wouldn't have to worry about some asshole making me feel bad all the time.
and i'm coming to the conclusion that boys really are just fucking clueless and dumb. i hate them. gimme prozac.