Perceptions; Part 2
Technically this isn't a continuation of my perceptions post, but the theme is consistent, so I've declared it to be a two-parter ex post facto.
As some may know, I broke up with my partner of ten years recently. Some may also know that we did not have an active sex life. Some may also know that a friend of mine has been pursuing me romantically . These are all things that some may know.
Last thursday, I stopped running...
But that's not what this post is really about. Okay, yes, we did share some intimacy. Yes, we kissed, yes that led to something else, which led to something else. I wasn't planning on it going so far, but the breakup has hit me harder than I expected, and intimacy has been so sorely missing from my life for so long. It felt so very very good...
But again, that's actually not what this post is about.
It's not even about Thursday night per se. It's about some realizations that took me nearly all day to actually process. Number one: Having a "factory model" vagina for comparison close at hand (pun intended), I can honestly say, "Wow, Toby does some really fraking good work." Had it not been for the absence of internal sensation, I'd have sworn I was stimulating myself. Everything felt completely familiar. Anyway, that's the clinical realization.
The second was an outright epiphanic moment. Afterwards, while we were still both naked, I walked into the bathroom to setup my dilation gear. I didn't bother covering, I just set about cleaning the stents and laying out my towel.
I had no body shame. None.
No, seriously, I felt completely comfortable in my naked skin in front of another person.
That's never happened before. Ever.
Body dysmorphi-what?
Maybe it's the afterglow, or maybe it's the shift in how I'm able to see myself that I alluded to in my perceptions post. Prior to surgery I had myself convinced that there would be no "great-moment", no "magic wand cure", just some bit flipping...
I have been so... so wrong...
I won't say my GD is "cured", I'm going to have gender issues my entire life. That's just part-and-parcel, but it's so much less than it ever was before. I didn't even realize how bad it was until it was gone. This really has been every bit as uplifting as transition was all those years ago. I feel like.... God damnit, I feel like ME.
As some may know, I broke up with my partner of ten years recently. Some may also know that we did not have an active sex life. Some may also know that a friend of mine has been pursuing me romantically . These are all things that some may know.
Last thursday, I stopped running...
But that's not what this post is really about. Okay, yes, we did share some intimacy. Yes, we kissed, yes that led to something else, which led to something else. I wasn't planning on it going so far, but the breakup has hit me harder than I expected, and intimacy has been so sorely missing from my life for so long. It felt so very very good...
But again, that's actually not what this post is about.
It's not even about Thursday night per se. It's about some realizations that took me nearly all day to actually process. Number one: Having a "factory model" vagina for comparison close at hand (pun intended), I can honestly say, "Wow, Toby does some really fraking good work." Had it not been for the absence of internal sensation, I'd have sworn I was stimulating myself. Everything felt completely familiar. Anyway, that's the clinical realization.
The second was an outright epiphanic moment. Afterwards, while we were still both naked, I walked into the bathroom to setup my dilation gear. I didn't bother covering, I just set about cleaning the stents and laying out my towel.
I had no body shame. None.
No, seriously, I felt completely comfortable in my naked skin in front of another person.
That's never happened before. Ever.
Body dysmorphi-what?
Maybe it's the afterglow, or maybe it's the shift in how I'm able to see myself that I alluded to in my perceptions post. Prior to surgery I had myself convinced that there would be no "great-moment", no "magic wand cure", just some bit flipping...
I have been so... so wrong...
I won't say my GD is "cured", I'm going to have gender issues my entire life. That's just part-and-parcel, but it's so much less than it ever was before. I didn't even realize how bad it was until it was gone. This really has been every bit as uplifting as transition was all those years ago. I feel like.... God damnit, I feel like ME.