Now You Has Jazz
Recent scenes from the shop floor at Cleveland Housing Advice Centre; because you love it, you slags.
***
Paul Wilson, our perpetually absent pet lawyer, came in yesterday to talk and get mayonnaise all over his face. The man earns his paycheque. He was telling us about an old colleague of his who had a terribly plummy voice and always used to get into fights. One time they were off work and walking down a street when Paul suddenly heard this guy bellow "WHAT I DO IN THE PRIVACY OF MY BEDROOM IS MY OWN BUSINESS!!!" Paul turned round to see him fighting this kid. He dragged him away and asked him what the hell he thought he was doing getting into a fight on the street. Apparently, "He called me a wanker!"
***
Michael: She went for a medical in Thornaby, but she failed.
Jazz: In where?
Michael: Thornaby.
Jazz: There's no such place.
(Michael is confused for a second, then cottons on.)
Michael: (in a comedy Jamaican patois) She gone fi medical in T'ornaby an den she fail it an ting.
Jazz: Better.
***
Paul's favourite story about his crazy old friend was when he asked a judge for a three-week postponement for a case. "Why?" asked the judge. "It's longer than a two-week postponement," came the reply.
***
(Faisal is asking for advice on how to write up his case notes.)
Faisal: Right, so then what?
Michael: (mock-dictating) "When I came to, my pants were around my ankles and my client was riding me like a bucking bronco..."
Faisal: Nah, lads, come on, serious like. Action Taken - what should I put for Action Taken?
Jazz: "I have asked the client to come in tomorrow and look at our Nude Experiments Room..."
Me: "I have asked the client whether she knows what a speculum is."
Jazz: "After sniffing the womens' toilet seat for half an hour..."
***
Paul Wilson, our perpetually absent pet lawyer, came in yesterday to talk and get mayonnaise all over his face. The man earns his paycheque. He was telling us about an old colleague of his who had a terribly plummy voice and always used to get into fights. One time they were off work and walking down a street when Paul suddenly heard this guy bellow "WHAT I DO IN THE PRIVACY OF MY BEDROOM IS MY OWN BUSINESS!!!" Paul turned round to see him fighting this kid. He dragged him away and asked him what the hell he thought he was doing getting into a fight on the street. Apparently, "He called me a wanker!"
***
Michael: She went for a medical in Thornaby, but she failed.
Jazz: In where?
Michael: Thornaby.
Jazz: There's no such place.
(Michael is confused for a second, then cottons on.)
Michael: (in a comedy Jamaican patois) She gone fi medical in T'ornaby an den she fail it an ting.
Jazz: Better.
***
Paul's favourite story about his crazy old friend was when he asked a judge for a three-week postponement for a case. "Why?" asked the judge. "It's longer than a two-week postponement," came the reply.
***
(Faisal is asking for advice on how to write up his case notes.)
Faisal: Right, so then what?
Michael: (mock-dictating) "When I came to, my pants were around my ankles and my client was riding me like a bucking bronco..."
Faisal: Nah, lads, come on, serious like. Action Taken - what should I put for Action Taken?
Jazz: "I have asked the client to come in tomorrow and look at our Nude Experiments Room..."
Me: "I have asked the client whether she knows what a speculum is."
Jazz: "After sniffing the womens' toilet seat for half an hour..."