Who Makes Documentary Shorts For The Cinema, Anyway?
Do this meme or I'll slap you all upside your headages.
BEST PICTURE
Like most people, I'll be surprised if anything other than Brokeback Mountain wins. Capote? Too low-key. Good Night, and Good Luck? Too reserved. Munich? Too boring. Crash? Too, well, bollocks. Actually, there's a chance Crash might get it - if the Academy are willing to contribute to its seismic overratedness by nominating it for Best Picture, who's to say they won't go the extra irrational step? But, nah. It's obviously going to be the gay cowboys, isn't it?
BEST DIRECTOR
Happily, all the Best Picture nominations sync up with Best Director nominees this year, making this category a hell of a lot easier to predict. I think that Steven Spielberg and George Clooney can be discounted immediately, for being too frequently awarded and too sexy respectively. This leaves Ang Lee, Bennett Miller and Paul Haggis. Miller and Haggis - I don't want to say they don't have a hope in hell, I just don't hear anyone raving about their work the way that people do - justly - rave about Ang Lee's. Brokeback is one of this protean director's very best films, where each image rings with subtext and memorability. He's also been nominated a lot of times for someone with such a short career. I'll be rooting for Good Night, and Good Luck for Best Picture, but I want Ang to win Best Director.
BEST ACTOR
More than any other year I can remember, this year's Best Actor race is all about the Academy deciding who they won't get the chance to give this award to again. The excellence of Heath Ledger and Joaquin Phoenix is diluted by their career trajectory - in other words, they'll almost certainly go on to be the thinking chap's leading men, and perhaps give even better performances in even better films than Brokeback Mountain and Walk the Line. Terrence Howard... well, someone had to fill up the ballot. Which leaves us with David Straithairn and Philip Seymour Hoffman, two excellent character actors who've paid their dues and been unlucky not to be nominated in the Supporting category before. Straithairn, if he so chooses, has the rugged good looks and the straight-arrow charisma to be a classier Harrison Ford if he so chooses; if not, he'll choose the indie route, though his profile has been raised so much by Clooney's film that he'll be back on this shortlist, no doubt. Philip Seymour Hoffman, on the other hand, will remain scruffy, chubby and ginger. So he takes it.
BEST ACTRESS
Never has there been such a paucity of credible Best Actress nominees, and it's worth arguing once again that the Academy could stand to watch a few more foreign films, if only to note that Valeria Bruni Taschedi's performance in 5x2 is so much better than Judi Bloody Dench in Mrs Bastard Henderson Sodding Presents. Keira Knightley's performance in Pride and Prejudice has its fans, but she'll almost certainly be considered too green to win it just now. Charlize Theron's performance in North Country is universally agreed to be pretty good, but pretty good doesn't win awards. (Unless Nicole Kidman does it) Which leaves us with Felicity Huffman and - I might as well say it now - eventual Academy Award winner Reese Witherspoon.
It would be lovely if someone as hard-working and low-key as Huffman won it, but her film (Transamerica) was too low-key to register for most Academy Awards. Plus, whereas the Christian right are doing their best to grit their teeth and ignore Brokeback Mountain, a Transamerica victory would probably result in celebrated loser Pat Robertson suicide-bombing the Kodak Theater. Witherspoon is a different matter. I've been a fan of hers for a long time, but over the last few years being a Reese Witherspoon fan has meant trying to impress on people that she does have an acting range beyong Professional Career Woman Who Needs To Loosen Up A Bit and Legally Blonde. Walk the Line isn't exactly a radical departure - it's still a fairly conventional mainstream film, but it's a damn good one, and one which allows her to modulate and express her professional Southern perkiness in a more interesting, dramatic context. She's deserved this award since Freeway, so they might as well give her it now. Ten years too late, but that's a good record by Academy standards.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
A tough category. I'd discount Jake Gyllenhaal for being a lead actor cynically cast into this category by misleading Oscar campaigning, and I'd discount William Hurt's performance in A History of Violence for being a bit too, well, fruity for Academy tastes. Are people still a little suspicious of George Clooney? Over the last few years, there's been a sort of too-good-to-be-true vibe emanating from some Hollywood insiders whenever his name is mentioned - he can't be popular and politically conscious and gorgeous and a good director and an award-winning screenwriter, can he? Actually, he can, but I think there are too many people who are wondering just that to have him repeat his Golden Globes victory for Syriana. Matt Dillon seems like the sensible choice - by far the best thing about Crash was its acting, and Dillon was an obvious stand-out. Plus, it might keep him from making a Herbie: Fully Loaded sequel. Some people think Paul Giamatti might win this, but that's solely based on his disgraceful snub for Sideways last year. Cinderella Man looks like the sort of thing he could do in his sleep, which does show what a good actor he is, but on the other hand... he was probably asleep.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
I am, as ever, shamefully biased here. Most of the nominees fall into the category of "Yes, you're good, but not as good as Catherine Keener." Because who is? Not Michelle Williams, despite the praise for her wronged wife in Brokeback Mountain. Not Rachel Weisz, despite The Constant Gardener being a credible career leap forward. Amy Adams came so far out of nowhere that the Academy probably feel a profile-raising nomination is enough. No, her only serious rival is Frances McDormand, who is one of the best actresses in America, but she's already won Best Actress. Also, her role in North Country (she's fighting a sexual harassment case and a terminal illness!) just sounds like Academy special pleading.
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
How original is original? And how original is too original? Paul Haggis and Robert Moresco probably struck the right balance - their Crash screenplay fizzes with inspiration and ideas, but can't take them anywhere that isn't hackneyed and unconvincing. That, sadly, will probably lift it above George Clooney and Grant Heslov's superior script for Good Night, and Good Luck, and Stephen Gaghan's Syriana, which has already committed the cardinal sin of embarrassing the Academy when they couldn't decide whether it was adapted or not. Woody Allen's Match Point screenplay should lose just for featuring the line "I'm just a poor actress from Boulder, Colorado", a line so wretched I fear it may mark the death knell of Woody Allen's career as an artist. And I hear that Noah 'I'm So Wes Anderson's Bitch' Baumbach wrote a brilliant script for The Squid and the Whale, but answer me this - if he's such a good writer, why did he choose that title?
BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
The Academy only ever seem to take into account how good an adapted screenplay is on its own merits, rather than showing any serious insight into the art of adaptation. All the nominees here - Brokeback Mountain, The Constant Gardener, Munich, Capote and A History of Violence - have their merits, but if the decision was made on reshaping a book into a piece of cinema AHOV would walk it for turning a well-constructed but cliched apologia for vigilantism into a morally complex and deeply disturbing examination into the myth of justified frontier violence. The literary pedigree of Tony Kushner (Munich) and Larry McMurty (Brokeback Mountain) might impress some voters (though Kushner should lose just for all those piss-boring dinner table conversations that added nothing to the film other than tripling its length) but don't be surprised if the winner is Jeffrey Caine for The Constant Gardener. It's a thumping good yarn in its own right, and anything that can get its source author (John Le Carre) raving about it being one of the best adaptations ever made, despite it featuring scarcely a line of dialogue from his original book, has to be something special.
I'm skipping over cinematography and editing for featuring nominees who've probably turned in good enough work to make them front-runners for films that I absolutely refuse to see (that's The New World and Cinderella Man respectively). Besides, any editing shortlist that leaves out Walter Murch's work on Jarhead isn't worth dignifying with a response. The Academy know full well that Murch is the best editor who ever lived; one day, his vengeance will be wrought on Hollywood. Editing-related vengeance, specifically. And no-one cares about costume design and all that, so on we go to:
BEST ANIMATED FEATURE
A bit of a split is opening up between Britain and America here. In America, Wallace and Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit is a well-reviewed DreamWorks kiddie film that disappointed a bit at the box office. In Britain, we know full well that it is the heir to one of the greatest animation studios of the late twentieth century, and that the Oscar may as well be welded to Nick Park and Steve Box's hands. Howl's Moving Castle and The Corpse Bride were visually resplendent but didn't touch the heart. Wallace and Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit had a Lancastrian edition of Hello! magazine called Ay-Up!. Who could possibly compete with such greatness?
BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FEATURE
Skipping over the wags who think Brokeback Mountain should be nominated here for Heath Ledger's monumentally mumbly performance, I think Tsotsi is well ahead here. Having seen the trailer at my local art-house shack, I can safely say that Hollywood loves it enough to give that ultimate accolade - a cheesy American trailer full of gravelly voiceover nonsense about life and hope and rubbish like that. Sophie Scholl - The Final Days and Paradise Now have their fans, but a victory would either make this category The Nazi Category or Another Way That Liberal Hollywood Is Trying To Force Us All To Become Islamic Commies. (Hey, there's Pat Robertson! Kaboom!) I've never heard of the Italian entry, and nominating Merry Christmas would only encourage them - if, by "them", you mean "the nation of France to make more toxically sentimental films about World War I" or "Diane Kruger to star in more films".
BEST DOCUMENTARY
March of the Penguins? Too successful. Murderball? Not successful enough. Such is the careful deliberation process in the Hollywood Star Chamber around this time of year, a ramble which may end with the victory of Darwin's Nightmare in this category. A properly bleak tale of Western powers carelessly mangling African economies, its political stance and the first word of its title should wind up the dittoheads just enough without resulting in Pat Robertson packing the Semtex - which its nearest rival, Enron - The Smartest Guys in the Room, would. The other entry, Marshall Curry's Street Fight, doesn't exist. Seriously. They just made it up. Darwin's Nightmare would be a very good winner this year, considering that most of the best documentaries of the year - Grizzly Man, The Aristocrats, His Big White Self, The Power of Nightmares, The Protocols of Zion - weren't nominated. This is one of those ways that Hollywood likes to keep us on our toes.
BEST ORIGINAL SONG
Attention, Academy voters - Dolly Parton owns your ass.
BEST PICTURE
Like most people, I'll be surprised if anything other than Brokeback Mountain wins. Capote? Too low-key. Good Night, and Good Luck? Too reserved. Munich? Too boring. Crash? Too, well, bollocks. Actually, there's a chance Crash might get it - if the Academy are willing to contribute to its seismic overratedness by nominating it for Best Picture, who's to say they won't go the extra irrational step? But, nah. It's obviously going to be the gay cowboys, isn't it?
BEST DIRECTOR
Happily, all the Best Picture nominations sync up with Best Director nominees this year, making this category a hell of a lot easier to predict. I think that Steven Spielberg and George Clooney can be discounted immediately, for being too frequently awarded and too sexy respectively. This leaves Ang Lee, Bennett Miller and Paul Haggis. Miller and Haggis - I don't want to say they don't have a hope in hell, I just don't hear anyone raving about their work the way that people do - justly - rave about Ang Lee's. Brokeback is one of this protean director's very best films, where each image rings with subtext and memorability. He's also been nominated a lot of times for someone with such a short career. I'll be rooting for Good Night, and Good Luck for Best Picture, but I want Ang to win Best Director.
BEST ACTOR
More than any other year I can remember, this year's Best Actor race is all about the Academy deciding who they won't get the chance to give this award to again. The excellence of Heath Ledger and Joaquin Phoenix is diluted by their career trajectory - in other words, they'll almost certainly go on to be the thinking chap's leading men, and perhaps give even better performances in even better films than Brokeback Mountain and Walk the Line. Terrence Howard... well, someone had to fill up the ballot. Which leaves us with David Straithairn and Philip Seymour Hoffman, two excellent character actors who've paid their dues and been unlucky not to be nominated in the Supporting category before. Straithairn, if he so chooses, has the rugged good looks and the straight-arrow charisma to be a classier Harrison Ford if he so chooses; if not, he'll choose the indie route, though his profile has been raised so much by Clooney's film that he'll be back on this shortlist, no doubt. Philip Seymour Hoffman, on the other hand, will remain scruffy, chubby and ginger. So he takes it.
BEST ACTRESS
Never has there been such a paucity of credible Best Actress nominees, and it's worth arguing once again that the Academy could stand to watch a few more foreign films, if only to note that Valeria Bruni Taschedi's performance in 5x2 is so much better than Judi Bloody Dench in Mrs Bastard Henderson Sodding Presents. Keira Knightley's performance in Pride and Prejudice has its fans, but she'll almost certainly be considered too green to win it just now. Charlize Theron's performance in North Country is universally agreed to be pretty good, but pretty good doesn't win awards. (Unless Nicole Kidman does it) Which leaves us with Felicity Huffman and - I might as well say it now - eventual Academy Award winner Reese Witherspoon.
It would be lovely if someone as hard-working and low-key as Huffman won it, but her film (Transamerica) was too low-key to register for most Academy Awards. Plus, whereas the Christian right are doing their best to grit their teeth and ignore Brokeback Mountain, a Transamerica victory would probably result in celebrated loser Pat Robertson suicide-bombing the Kodak Theater. Witherspoon is a different matter. I've been a fan of hers for a long time, but over the last few years being a Reese Witherspoon fan has meant trying to impress on people that she does have an acting range beyong Professional Career Woman Who Needs To Loosen Up A Bit and Legally Blonde. Walk the Line isn't exactly a radical departure - it's still a fairly conventional mainstream film, but it's a damn good one, and one which allows her to modulate and express her professional Southern perkiness in a more interesting, dramatic context. She's deserved this award since Freeway, so they might as well give her it now. Ten years too late, but that's a good record by Academy standards.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
A tough category. I'd discount Jake Gyllenhaal for being a lead actor cynically cast into this category by misleading Oscar campaigning, and I'd discount William Hurt's performance in A History of Violence for being a bit too, well, fruity for Academy tastes. Are people still a little suspicious of George Clooney? Over the last few years, there's been a sort of too-good-to-be-true vibe emanating from some Hollywood insiders whenever his name is mentioned - he can't be popular and politically conscious and gorgeous and a good director and an award-winning screenwriter, can he? Actually, he can, but I think there are too many people who are wondering just that to have him repeat his Golden Globes victory for Syriana. Matt Dillon seems like the sensible choice - by far the best thing about Crash was its acting, and Dillon was an obvious stand-out. Plus, it might keep him from making a Herbie: Fully Loaded sequel. Some people think Paul Giamatti might win this, but that's solely based on his disgraceful snub for Sideways last year. Cinderella Man looks like the sort of thing he could do in his sleep, which does show what a good actor he is, but on the other hand... he was probably asleep.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
I am, as ever, shamefully biased here. Most of the nominees fall into the category of "Yes, you're good, but not as good as Catherine Keener." Because who is? Not Michelle Williams, despite the praise for her wronged wife in Brokeback Mountain. Not Rachel Weisz, despite The Constant Gardener being a credible career leap forward. Amy Adams came so far out of nowhere that the Academy probably feel a profile-raising nomination is enough. No, her only serious rival is Frances McDormand, who is one of the best actresses in America, but she's already won Best Actress. Also, her role in North Country (she's fighting a sexual harassment case and a terminal illness!) just sounds like Academy special pleading.
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
How original is original? And how original is too original? Paul Haggis and Robert Moresco probably struck the right balance - their Crash screenplay fizzes with inspiration and ideas, but can't take them anywhere that isn't hackneyed and unconvincing. That, sadly, will probably lift it above George Clooney and Grant Heslov's superior script for Good Night, and Good Luck, and Stephen Gaghan's Syriana, which has already committed the cardinal sin of embarrassing the Academy when they couldn't decide whether it was adapted or not. Woody Allen's Match Point screenplay should lose just for featuring the line "I'm just a poor actress from Boulder, Colorado", a line so wretched I fear it may mark the death knell of Woody Allen's career as an artist. And I hear that Noah 'I'm So Wes Anderson's Bitch' Baumbach wrote a brilliant script for The Squid and the Whale, but answer me this - if he's such a good writer, why did he choose that title?
BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
The Academy only ever seem to take into account how good an adapted screenplay is on its own merits, rather than showing any serious insight into the art of adaptation. All the nominees here - Brokeback Mountain, The Constant Gardener, Munich, Capote and A History of Violence - have their merits, but if the decision was made on reshaping a book into a piece of cinema AHOV would walk it for turning a well-constructed but cliched apologia for vigilantism into a morally complex and deeply disturbing examination into the myth of justified frontier violence. The literary pedigree of Tony Kushner (Munich) and Larry McMurty (Brokeback Mountain) might impress some voters (though Kushner should lose just for all those piss-boring dinner table conversations that added nothing to the film other than tripling its length) but don't be surprised if the winner is Jeffrey Caine for The Constant Gardener. It's a thumping good yarn in its own right, and anything that can get its source author (John Le Carre) raving about it being one of the best adaptations ever made, despite it featuring scarcely a line of dialogue from his original book, has to be something special.
I'm skipping over cinematography and editing for featuring nominees who've probably turned in good enough work to make them front-runners for films that I absolutely refuse to see (that's The New World and Cinderella Man respectively). Besides, any editing shortlist that leaves out Walter Murch's work on Jarhead isn't worth dignifying with a response. The Academy know full well that Murch is the best editor who ever lived; one day, his vengeance will be wrought on Hollywood. Editing-related vengeance, specifically. And no-one cares about costume design and all that, so on we go to:
BEST ANIMATED FEATURE
A bit of a split is opening up between Britain and America here. In America, Wallace and Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit is a well-reviewed DreamWorks kiddie film that disappointed a bit at the box office. In Britain, we know full well that it is the heir to one of the greatest animation studios of the late twentieth century, and that the Oscar may as well be welded to Nick Park and Steve Box's hands. Howl's Moving Castle and The Corpse Bride were visually resplendent but didn't touch the heart. Wallace and Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit had a Lancastrian edition of Hello! magazine called Ay-Up!. Who could possibly compete with such greatness?
BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FEATURE
Skipping over the wags who think Brokeback Mountain should be nominated here for Heath Ledger's monumentally mumbly performance, I think Tsotsi is well ahead here. Having seen the trailer at my local art-house shack, I can safely say that Hollywood loves it enough to give that ultimate accolade - a cheesy American trailer full of gravelly voiceover nonsense about life and hope and rubbish like that. Sophie Scholl - The Final Days and Paradise Now have their fans, but a victory would either make this category The Nazi Category or Another Way That Liberal Hollywood Is Trying To Force Us All To Become Islamic Commies. (Hey, there's Pat Robertson! Kaboom!) I've never heard of the Italian entry, and nominating Merry Christmas would only encourage them - if, by "them", you mean "the nation of France to make more toxically sentimental films about World War I" or "Diane Kruger to star in more films".
BEST DOCUMENTARY
March of the Penguins? Too successful. Murderball? Not successful enough. Such is the careful deliberation process in the Hollywood Star Chamber around this time of year, a ramble which may end with the victory of Darwin's Nightmare in this category. A properly bleak tale of Western powers carelessly mangling African economies, its political stance and the first word of its title should wind up the dittoheads just enough without resulting in Pat Robertson packing the Semtex - which its nearest rival, Enron - The Smartest Guys in the Room, would. The other entry, Marshall Curry's Street Fight, doesn't exist. Seriously. They just made it up. Darwin's Nightmare would be a very good winner this year, considering that most of the best documentaries of the year - Grizzly Man, The Aristocrats, His Big White Self, The Power of Nightmares, The Protocols of Zion - weren't nominated. This is one of those ways that Hollywood likes to keep us on our toes.
BEST ORIGINAL SONG
Attention, Academy voters - Dolly Parton owns your ass.