“Alright, enough of these lame-ass stories,” declares Tom as Andy slumps back in his seat. He looks confused, like he actually expected someone to believe he saved a cat from a burning building.
Yeah, right.
“It’s time to hear from the winner,” he continues. “And by winner, I mean me. It’s about to get so hot in here your panties are going to combust.” He winks at Ann, who makes a face and physically backs her chair away from him so she’s closer to Leslie. He falters, turning his eyes back to the rest of the table, only to be greeted with a myriad of skeptical looks.
Dammit. Donna had them all eating out of her hand. How is he going to top her losing her virginity on a damn yacht or pirate ship or whatever it was?
“So like I was saying before,” he says, stalling. What is hotter than a boat? A jet? A limo? Hot tub? “I was twelve when I lost my virginity.”
Ann crosses her arms, still glaring at him. “You said you were thirteen, actually.”
What? “Yeah. Twelve. Thirteen. Whatever. Doesn’t matter. The point is, I was in the back of this hot tub in a limo when I saw this totally hot older woman in the car next to mine. And let’s just say she was more than impressed with what she saw.”
“And you were in a limo because…?”
“Uh-Movie premiere. No, wait. It was prom, actually.”
“When you were twelve?”
“Yeah. A senior saw me and liked what I brought to the party. You know how it is.”
“And then you saw another older woman?”
“…Yes?” Two older women in a limo hot tub is way better than one pirate on a boat, right? What is he thinking? Of course it is. “Yes! And they were both all over me.”
“Ugh.”
“Tom!”
“Stop lying.”
Tom’s eyes widen. “I’m not!” What the hell? How did they know?
“Oh yeah?” asks Ann. “So what was this older woman’s name? The one who saw you and your prom date in the limo’s hot tub?”
“Oh…Uh…Brooke Shields?”
There’s an audible onslaught of displeasure at the lie, and April tosses a pencil at his head for good measure. It hits him right in the temple and clatters to the floor. “Ow! What?”
“Tell the truth, Tom.”
“That is the truth!”
Another pencil hits him, this time right on the forehead. What the hell! Someone is going to take out his eye! “Okay! Okay!” he shouts, desperate to stop the onslaught. “You wanna hear the truth? You wanna hear how I lost my virginity on the back of a hay ride at our annual Fall Festival? Is that it?”
“You lost your virginity on a hay ride?” asks Leslie. “That’s actually kind of cute.”
“Ugh-No it’s not! It’s lame! Like Jerry-level lame. Almost as bad as losing your virginity in a corn maze, which is how most people in my town did it.”
“Actually,” says Jerry, rubbing salt in the wound like the vindictive bastard he is. “Gayle and I did get married on her cousin’s farm. It was kind of a wild night, too. We-“
“Ahhh! Shut up, shut up, shut up!” Tom puts his hands over his ears, but he can still hear April laughing. He feels seconds away from crying.
“Okay. Well, I think that means Tom is disqualified for lying.”
“What?”
“So who’s left?”
“You can’t disqualify me for lying!”
“Then how about for having the lamest story?”
“Yeah,” agrees April, and what the hell? She’s siding with Ann now? “Even Ann’s story was better than that.”
“Ann? Ann and the station wagon? Did I mention the girl was all over me? She practically tackled me on the hay bale.”
“Sorry, Tommy.”
“This is so unfair.” Tom leans back in his seat, arms crossed over his chest, pouting. Ben and Leslie are the two biggest nerds in this office, and they’re already beating him. And Jerry-ugh.
“Alright, enough of these lame-ass stories,” declares Tom as Andy slumps back in his seat. He looks confused, like he actually expected someone to believe he saved a cat from a burning building.
Yeah, right.
“It’s time to hear from the winner,” he continues. “And by winner, I mean me. It’s about to get so hot in here your panties are going to combust.” He winks at Ann, who makes a face and physically backs her chair away from him so she’s closer to Leslie. He falters, turning his eyes back to the rest of the table, only to be greeted with a myriad of skeptical looks.
Dammit. Donna had them all eating out of her hand. How is he going to top her losing her virginity on a damn yacht or pirate ship or whatever it was?
“So like I was saying before,” he says, stalling. What is hotter than a boat? A jet? A limo? Hot tub? “I was twelve when I lost my virginity.”
Ann crosses her arms, still glaring at him. “You said you were thirteen, actually.”
What? “Yeah. Twelve. Thirteen. Whatever. Doesn’t matter. The point is, I was in the back of this hot tub in a limo when I saw this totally hot older woman in the car next to mine. And let’s just say she was more than impressed with what she saw.”
“And you were in a limo because…?”
“Uh-Movie premiere. No, wait. It was prom, actually.”
“When you were twelve?”
“Yeah. A senior saw me and liked what I brought to the party. You know how it is.”
“And then you saw another older woman?”
“…Yes?” Two older women in a limo hot tub is way better than one pirate on a boat, right? What is he thinking? Of course it is. “Yes! And they were both all over me.”
“Ugh.”
“Tom!”
“Stop lying.”
Tom’s eyes widen. “I’m not!” What the hell? How did they know?
“Oh yeah?” asks Ann. “So what was this older woman’s name? The one who saw you and your prom date in the limo’s hot tub?”
“Oh…Uh…Brooke Shields?”
There’s an audible onslaught of displeasure at the lie, and April tosses a pencil at his head for good measure. It hits him right in the temple and clatters to the floor. “Ow! What?”
“Tell the truth, Tom.”
“That is the truth!”
Another pencil hits him, this time right on the forehead. What the hell! Someone is going to take out his eye! “Okay! Okay!” he shouts, desperate to stop the onslaught. “You wanna hear the truth? You wanna hear how I lost my virginity on the back of a hay ride at our annual Fall Festival? Is that it?”
“You lost your virginity on a hay ride?” asks Leslie. “That’s actually kind of cute.”
“Ugh-No it’s not! It’s lame! Like Jerry-level lame. Almost as bad as losing your virginity in a corn maze, which is how most people in my town did it.”
“Actually,” says Jerry, rubbing salt in the wound like the vindictive bastard he is. “Gayle and I did get married on her cousin’s farm. It was kind of a wild night, too. We-“
“Ahhh! Shut up, shut up, shut up!” Tom puts his hands over his ears, but he can still hear April laughing. He feels seconds away from crying.
“Okay. Well, I think that means Tom is disqualified for lying.”
“What?”
“So who’s left?”
“You can’t disqualify me for lying!”
“Then how about for having the lamest story?”
“Yeah,” agrees April, and what the hell? She’s siding with Ann now? “Even Ann’s story was better than that.”
“Ann? Ann and the station wagon? Did I mention the girl was all over me? She practically tackled me on the hay bale.”
“Sorry, Tommy.”
“This is so unfair.” Tom leans back in his seat, arms crossed over his chest, pouting. Ben and Leslie are the two biggest nerds in this office, and they’re already beating him. And Jerry-ugh.
How the hell did he end up losing his own bet?
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