“So,” says Andy, slapping his hands against the table and slowly standing. “Everyone wants to know how Andy Dwyer lost his virginity. It’s an interesting story.” He glances around the table, and then ducks in so his lips are almost against Tom’s ear. “Or is it?”
“Oh god-Andy. Just tell the story, please.”
He looks over at Ann. She seems kind of annoyed. She has the same look on her face as that time he tried to make grilled cheese sandwiches with her iron and accidentally got cheese all over her shirt. And then the shirt had had these weird cheese buttons, and he’d tried to eat one, but it turned out that a cheese button was really still just a button that he swallowed.
But man. Until all the yelling and the trip to the hospital, that was an awesome food experiment.
“I will tell two stories,” he announces, standing up straight. “One is the truth and one the anti-truth. It is up to you to decide which is which. Except Ann. Because she already knows.”
“April doesn’t…” Leslie trails off, shaking her head. “Never mind.”
“The first tale goes like this!” He puts his hands behind his back, beginning to walk around the table like he’s solving a mystery. Except, you know, he’s already solved it and is really about to accuse the butler or something. Ben, he decides. Ben would be the butler. He already cleans up after him and April anyway. Who knows what crimes he’s committed.
“Andy?”
Oh, right. “I was in the cafeteria at school,” he begins, narrowing his eyes at Ben as he continues around the table. “My friend Ralph bet me five bucks I couldn’t drink an entire gallon of milk in one minute. And I said, “You’re an, idiot. Who can’t drink a gallon of milk that fast? Milk is awesome.’” He bends again, throwing one arm around Leslie and one around Ben, tugging them both closer and looking back and forth between them. “Twas I who was the idiot, though.” He stands, slapping Ben on the back. “Turns out you can’t drink that much milk in a minute. I puked everywhere.”
“Oh god-Is this part of the story even necessary?” asks Ben.
“Yep. They sent me to the nurse’s office to recover, and this girl Angie was there because she sprained an ankle or something during gym. And the nurse was mean. Like, really mean. She took away all the tongue sticks and cotton balls and the other fun stuff to play with and told me to just lie there on the cot. It was so boring. And then Angie was like, ‘Hey, aren’t you that kid who tried to fly off the roof of the gym in sixth grade?’ and I was like, ‘Yeah. I am.’ And she said, ‘Cool, wanna make out?’ and I was like, ‘Hell yes.’ So she climbed on the cot with me since I wasn’t allowed to move and then we made out.”
“Does this story have a point?”
“Yes, Mr. Havenstein-“
“Haverford.”
“-it does. So after awhile, Angie got bored making out and she asked me if I wanted to have sex in the bathroom. So we snuck in there and had sex. And it was awesome. Like, amazingly awesome. And after, Angie was like, ‘So that was your first time, huh?’ and I was like, ‘Yeah. How did you know?’ But she never really explained.”
He looks around the table, waiting for someone to react, but everyone is just kind of staring at him. Finally, Ben says, “So is that it or…?”
“I don’t know. You tell me, Beniffer.”
“That’s not my name.”
“The other story goes like this: So I never thought of myself as a hero, but after I rescued that cat from a burning building-“
Everyone groans loudly. “Yeah, okay, Andy. It was the first one.”
“Definitely the first.”
“Just stop, please.”
Puzzled, Andy returns to his seat. April puts a hand on his thigh, leaning in to rest her head on his shoulder. “But babe,” he whispers, frowning as Tom launches into his story, “that first one was the lie.”
“So,” says Andy, slapping his hands against the table and slowly standing. “Everyone wants to know how Andy Dwyer lost his virginity. It’s an interesting story.” He glances around the table, and then ducks in so his lips are almost against Tom’s ear. “Or is it?”
“Oh god-Andy. Just tell the story, please.”
He looks over at Ann. She seems kind of annoyed. She has the same look on her face as that time he tried to make grilled cheese sandwiches with her iron and accidentally got cheese all over her shirt. And then the shirt had had these weird cheese buttons, and he’d tried to eat one, but it turned out that a cheese button was really still just a button that he swallowed.
But man. Until all the yelling and the trip to the hospital, that was an awesome food experiment.
“I will tell two stories,” he announces, standing up straight. “One is the truth and one the anti-truth. It is up to you to decide which is which. Except Ann. Because she already knows.”
“April doesn’t…” Leslie trails off, shaking her head. “Never mind.”
“The first tale goes like this!” He puts his hands behind his back, beginning to walk around the table like he’s solving a mystery. Except, you know, he’s already solved it and is really about to accuse the butler or something. Ben, he decides. Ben would be the butler. He already cleans up after him and April anyway. Who knows what crimes he’s committed.
“Andy?”
Oh, right. “I was in the cafeteria at school,” he begins, narrowing his eyes at Ben as he continues around the table. “My friend Ralph bet me five bucks I couldn’t drink an entire gallon of milk in one minute. And I said, “You’re an, idiot. Who can’t drink a gallon of milk that fast? Milk is awesome.’” He bends again, throwing one arm around Leslie and one around Ben, tugging them both closer and looking back and forth between them. “Twas I who was the idiot, though.” He stands, slapping Ben on the back. “Turns out you can’t drink that much milk in a minute. I puked everywhere.”
“Oh god-Is this part of the story even necessary?” asks Ben.
“Yep. They sent me to the nurse’s office to recover, and this girl Angie was there because she sprained an ankle or something during gym. And the nurse was mean. Like, really mean. She took away all the tongue sticks and cotton balls and the other fun stuff to play with and told me to just lie there on the cot. It was so boring. And then Angie was like, ‘Hey, aren’t you that kid who tried to fly off the roof of the gym in sixth grade?’ and I was like, ‘Yeah. I am.’ And she said, ‘Cool, wanna make out?’ and I was like, ‘Hell yes.’ So she climbed on the cot with me since I wasn’t allowed to move and then we made out.”
“Does this story have a point?”
“Yes, Mr. Havenstein-“
“Haverford.”
“-it does. So after awhile, Angie got bored making out and she asked me if I wanted to have sex in the bathroom. So we snuck in there and had sex. And it was awesome. Like, amazingly awesome. And after, Angie was like, ‘So that was your first time, huh?’ and I was like, ‘Yeah. How did you know?’ But she never really explained.”
He looks around the table, waiting for someone to react, but everyone is just kind of staring at him. Finally, Ben says, “So is that it or…?”
“I don’t know. You tell me, Beniffer.”
“That’s not my name.”
“The other story goes like this: So I never thought of myself as a hero, but after I rescued that cat from a burning building-“
Everyone groans loudly. “Yeah, okay, Andy. It was the first one.”
“Definitely the first.”
“Just stop, please.”
Puzzled, Andy returns to his seat. April puts a hand on his thigh, leaning in to rest her head on his shoulder. “But babe,” he whispers, frowning as Tom launches into his story, “that first one was the lie.”
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