Mind the gap
I have my own apartment now. Amy was going to move out and I was going to keep the house but I wasn't able to find a roommate for quite some time, and we both agreed that it was probably time to get realistic and just have her keep the house, since she can afford it on her own, and have me move out. So that's what happened. I moved out, I got a lovely little apartment downtown, not too expensive, everything is brand new because the complex was just bought out by a new company who completely renovated the whole place. I have a gas stove, which is awesome, vaulted ceilings which I love, and the whole place is tile flooring, which I wasn't a fan of at first, I thought for sure I would have to get carpeting, but the tile is actually starting to grow on me, I enjoy the cool tile on my feet on a hot summer day. The location is wonderful too, it's located in the "Melrose" district of Phoenix, more colloquially referred to as "The Gayborhood". So I don't have to worry as much about businesses and neighbors and such judging me for who I am, and I'm way closer to my work.
I'm still going to school this fall, but i'm taking my classes online now. I'm still a supervisor at my company, been doing some training to prepare for the ASU football season. I think it's going to go well. I thrive under pressure.
I have a girlfriend! Revulai and I are a couple now, and she's great. It is an "open" relationship, however. When I asked her out she said she was polyamorous, even though she doesn't really have anyone else she's dating right now, and that as long as I was okay with that, then we can be together. I told her that I was fine with that, and that's true, I am. That's probably becuase I know that we most likely won't be together for a long time. This is probably just a fling, something to keep us both occupied until we both find what we're really looking for. Plus, as it has become BLATANTLY apparent to me today, I'm still not quite over Amy. I had been doing well for quite a while. I had myself convinced that I had moved on. Even sooner than a lot of people would have, given the circumstances, so kudos to me, i thought. What were the circumstances again? Lets see, well... Amy and Tristan fell in love and got married. A happy couple, a husband and wife, a man and a woman, supposedly. But wait... that's not quite right. Tristan wasn't a man. never was. She pulled off a pretty convincing portrayal of one. Even managed to fool herself for 29 years, but it couldn't go on like that indefinitely. She had to be herself. I had to be myself. I had no choice. The only other choice was the sweet release of death. Tempting as it was, (and still is, to be honest) I'm not that selfish. I care about the people in my life too much to put them through that trauma. So then we found ourselves in a gay marriage, which is fine for me, seeing as how i'm a gay woman, but Amy isn't. I was able to quit living a lie, but in doing so, I forced Amy to try and live a lie of her own, that lie being that she was able to love her wife as much as she did when I was her husband. I feel like I've been through this all before. I feel like i've already figured this out a long time ago. I did this already, I went through this process, I came to the right conclusions, and I moved on with the knowledge that I had gained from this process. Why didn't it last? Why did I spend the whole day crying today, wishing I could just wrap my arms around her again and kiss her softly and tell her I love her? Maybe it's because she has a boyfriend now. Yeah, that's probably it. Nothing more than your common, garden-variety jealousy. I've been through this before with other women. The difference being that it was only the flimsy pretext of personal differences that came between us, not something as concrete and unchangeable as sexual preference and gender identity. I could work things out with her if I was a man. But I'm not, and I can't sweet talk her into becoming a lesbian.
I don't hate her boyfriend though, he seems like a genuinely nice guy and Amy deserves someone like him. And really... it was inevitable, Amy getting with another guy, regardless of whether I had transitioned or not, because like I said earlier, if I hadn't, I would probably be dead right now. So instead of moving on from a divorce, she would just be moving on from my death. I'm still the badguy though, according to most people. I chose to transition. I could have just chosen to bury the information about my gender identity back down inside me again. Continued to be a good husband, brother, son, grandson. So what if I wouldn't be happy, so what if I wasn't really myself, a lot of people make sacrifices for the sake of their loved ones. That's the noble thing to do, is to forsake your own happiness, sacrifice your identity to uphold the commitments that you've made. Things probably would have gotten worse though. Towards the end of that period in my life, I had started to go pretty far out into "completely losing my goddamn mind" territory. I would have snapped eventually. So considering that, wasn't transitioning the best thing for Amy, also, not just myself?
I probably won't die of old age, or any kind of natural causes, or disease, or any kind of health issues. I'll probably kill myself someday. I'm calling it right now. It won't be today, and it won't be tomorrow, and probably not anytime in the next few years, but depending on how these next few years go, it'll probably be... oh, i dunno, sometime in my 40's perhaps? Maybe i'll wait until my parents are both dead. I don't talk to my siblings much, so while they'll be sad, they'll move on quickly, same with Amy, she'll get over it with relative ease i'm sure. She'll probably be remarried by then and her new husband will probably be able to help her get over it.
This isn't fair. It's just not fair. It's not supposed to be like this. Not for me, not for Amy, not for any transgender men or women, or the people that care about them. Transgender people shouldn't even exist. We are a defect, a stain on humanity. Sure, we're not the only ones, there are also psychopaths and autists and retards, but we are mistakes. WHY COULDN'T I JUST BE BORN LIKE ANY OTHER NORMAL GIRL. FUCK THIS EXISTENCE. I am so done. I need to just sleep for like, a week. Oh what I wouldn't give to just slip into a nice coma right now... It's all the lack of responsibility that comes with death, together with the false hope that comes with living. (I say false hope because we are all going to die, eventually. People who are sad about other people dying are probably just jealous, deep down inside, that they got out earlier than they did)
I have said a LOT of FUCKED UP SHIT in this post. I'm a horrible person. I really am. Why do I go on, seriously. I've got some real serious fuckin issues. Is it really all that surprising though? I can't imagine any other girl would be any different if you surgically removed her reproductive organs, gave her a penis at birth, and started pumping her full of testosterone around the time she should have hit puberty, all the while telling her that it's wrong for her to act or think or even feel feminine. That would be in insanely cruel thing to do to a child, yet it's essentially what has happened, and continues to happen to hundreds of thousands of little girls all over the country, and the world.
FUCK FUCK FUCK RUCK FUCK BUCK FUCK MUCK TRUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKU FUKC
I'm going to bed now. God, if you exist, and you're listening, please just take me, in my sleep. Just end my miserable existence. I believe you owe me that much. You can even send me to hell if you want. I would probably do better for myself in hell than I did on earth anyways. Or, alternatively, fuck off you shit head fuck face asshole. Why would you make people like this, this is your fault, and you're an asshole for letting this happen.
I'm still going to school this fall, but i'm taking my classes online now. I'm still a supervisor at my company, been doing some training to prepare for the ASU football season. I think it's going to go well. I thrive under pressure.
I have a girlfriend! Revulai and I are a couple now, and she's great. It is an "open" relationship, however. When I asked her out she said she was polyamorous, even though she doesn't really have anyone else she's dating right now, and that as long as I was okay with that, then we can be together. I told her that I was fine with that, and that's true, I am. That's probably becuase I know that we most likely won't be together for a long time. This is probably just a fling, something to keep us both occupied until we both find what we're really looking for. Plus, as it has become BLATANTLY apparent to me today, I'm still not quite over Amy. I had been doing well for quite a while. I had myself convinced that I had moved on. Even sooner than a lot of people would have, given the circumstances, so kudos to me, i thought. What were the circumstances again? Lets see, well... Amy and Tristan fell in love and got married. A happy couple, a husband and wife, a man and a woman, supposedly. But wait... that's not quite right. Tristan wasn't a man. never was. She pulled off a pretty convincing portrayal of one. Even managed to fool herself for 29 years, but it couldn't go on like that indefinitely. She had to be herself. I had to be myself. I had no choice. The only other choice was the sweet release of death. Tempting as it was, (and still is, to be honest) I'm not that selfish. I care about the people in my life too much to put them through that trauma. So then we found ourselves in a gay marriage, which is fine for me, seeing as how i'm a gay woman, but Amy isn't. I was able to quit living a lie, but in doing so, I forced Amy to try and live a lie of her own, that lie being that she was able to love her wife as much as she did when I was her husband. I feel like I've been through this all before. I feel like i've already figured this out a long time ago. I did this already, I went through this process, I came to the right conclusions, and I moved on with the knowledge that I had gained from this process. Why didn't it last? Why did I spend the whole day crying today, wishing I could just wrap my arms around her again and kiss her softly and tell her I love her? Maybe it's because she has a boyfriend now. Yeah, that's probably it. Nothing more than your common, garden-variety jealousy. I've been through this before with other women. The difference being that it was only the flimsy pretext of personal differences that came between us, not something as concrete and unchangeable as sexual preference and gender identity. I could work things out with her if I was a man. But I'm not, and I can't sweet talk her into becoming a lesbian.
I don't hate her boyfriend though, he seems like a genuinely nice guy and Amy deserves someone like him. And really... it was inevitable, Amy getting with another guy, regardless of whether I had transitioned or not, because like I said earlier, if I hadn't, I would probably be dead right now. So instead of moving on from a divorce, she would just be moving on from my death. I'm still the badguy though, according to most people. I chose to transition. I could have just chosen to bury the information about my gender identity back down inside me again. Continued to be a good husband, brother, son, grandson. So what if I wouldn't be happy, so what if I wasn't really myself, a lot of people make sacrifices for the sake of their loved ones. That's the noble thing to do, is to forsake your own happiness, sacrifice your identity to uphold the commitments that you've made. Things probably would have gotten worse though. Towards the end of that period in my life, I had started to go pretty far out into "completely losing my goddamn mind" territory. I would have snapped eventually. So considering that, wasn't transitioning the best thing for Amy, also, not just myself?
I probably won't die of old age, or any kind of natural causes, or disease, or any kind of health issues. I'll probably kill myself someday. I'm calling it right now. It won't be today, and it won't be tomorrow, and probably not anytime in the next few years, but depending on how these next few years go, it'll probably be... oh, i dunno, sometime in my 40's perhaps? Maybe i'll wait until my parents are both dead. I don't talk to my siblings much, so while they'll be sad, they'll move on quickly, same with Amy, she'll get over it with relative ease i'm sure. She'll probably be remarried by then and her new husband will probably be able to help her get over it.
This isn't fair. It's just not fair. It's not supposed to be like this. Not for me, not for Amy, not for any transgender men or women, or the people that care about them. Transgender people shouldn't even exist. We are a defect, a stain on humanity. Sure, we're not the only ones, there are also psychopaths and autists and retards, but we are mistakes. WHY COULDN'T I JUST BE BORN LIKE ANY OTHER NORMAL GIRL. FUCK THIS EXISTENCE. I am so done. I need to just sleep for like, a week. Oh what I wouldn't give to just slip into a nice coma right now... It's all the lack of responsibility that comes with death, together with the false hope that comes with living. (I say false hope because we are all going to die, eventually. People who are sad about other people dying are probably just jealous, deep down inside, that they got out earlier than they did)
I have said a LOT of FUCKED UP SHIT in this post. I'm a horrible person. I really am. Why do I go on, seriously. I've got some real serious fuckin issues. Is it really all that surprising though? I can't imagine any other girl would be any different if you surgically removed her reproductive organs, gave her a penis at birth, and started pumping her full of testosterone around the time she should have hit puberty, all the while telling her that it's wrong for her to act or think or even feel feminine. That would be in insanely cruel thing to do to a child, yet it's essentially what has happened, and continues to happen to hundreds of thousands of little girls all over the country, and the world.
FUCK FUCK FUCK RUCK FUCK BUCK FUCK MUCK TRUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKU FUKC
I'm going to bed now. God, if you exist, and you're listening, please just take me, in my sleep. Just end my miserable existence. I believe you owe me that much. You can even send me to hell if you want. I would probably do better for myself in hell than I did on earth anyways. Or, alternatively, fuck off you shit head fuck face asshole. Why would you make people like this, this is your fault, and you're an asshole for letting this happen.