(no subject)
Ok so like two updates in as many days i must be like bored or something.. actually no i'm jsut venting.. its time to vent again.. well not really vent maybe jsut wallow in al ittle self pity.. I was thinking recently ok it was more like 20 minutes ago when i was trying to go to sleep that i've had this journal for just about a year now and i was looking at my life in that past year.. i know very deep thoughts for trying to go to sleep hence why i'm probably not asleep and sitting here wallowing.. Well a year ago i had some big plans things happened and i wasn't able to follow through with them..won't get in to the reason but it sucks.. i went back to CP and had a great time and once again had plans .. then i up and decide in less tahn five minutes that i need to leave.. (a little rash yes right decision well thats still up in the air) i've been sitting around here not doing much but i get a pretty decent job for some really nice people.. and i like it dont' get me wrong but yet at the same time my evenings are consumed with blue's clues and wiggles and i have no life still.. i come home and go to sleep not that if i weret o go out i'd know anybody jsut the kids (i use that term loosely) that went to school with my brother.. ugh so frustrating.. then i think even more what happened at CP that made me leave some of the greatest people i have ever known.. and i can't come up with a reason besides my own selfishness in not wanting to go to work or something.. i dunno ... and then i get to thinking no one has really called or emailed or IMed to see what is going on i post here and occasionally i get a response i know i dont' respond to many either.. i read heather's summer in review and i thought damn i was a big part of it and how mcuh i missed it yet this summer i knew everyone in the world yet i was probably one of the most lonely people this summer and i dont' know why and its kind of upsetting but oh well.. had what i thought might possibly turn out to be a fun little relationship but turned in to more of a tag game with voicemail. but even that was kind of fun.. then i get the disappointing news that i'm more like a baby sister than anything else.. i put up a great front but it hurt.. it hurt alot and i think i'm jsut now admitting that to myslef.. i think it hurts more now that its like been 4 months since i left and i haven't played voicemail tag.. and of course i get great news this week too well its not really great its kind of ironic well even that isn't that right term.. the shithead is getting hitched on new years eve.. got that information form a reliable source.. and it doesn't really hurt iv'e dont enought of that i think more than anything it stings casue he's happy and i'm not can't really say i'm not but dammit he's supposed to be alone not me.. i'm not the one that fucked up.. but oh well ... i've done enough venting and hurting on that one.. anyway.. now i sit here contemplating whether i should go ahead and fill out the app and wait to hear but i think it would hurt more to not hear anything.. but who knows.. i know iv'e complained on end about this past season but yet i miss it and i don't know what it would be like to not be attached in some way shape or form.. i miss chinese with ang i miss hanging out at louies i miss voicemail tag but i ahve a good job that pays well so do i stick it out here or do i throw that awasy for a job that doens't pay near as much for a couple of trips to a chinese buffet and a bar and some people i dearly miss.. grr and does anyone actually read this.. does any one actually care.. i really really would like some input.. even if it is no jen no one cares.. your fooling your self..anyway i might actually be tired now.. so i think i will leave this for another time..