(no subject)
he is gone.
i dont think anyone really understand, that it's not about being alone, it's not about being able to find someone else. it's him, only him. more than ever, it's not tied back to other people. i already know that i can find someone else, everyone can. but the real problem is, i love everything about chris, even the parts that i had problems with. it was him, nothing else. and unfortunatly, no one thinks that it's the case. it's not about finding someone else... i dont know how i can explain that. and it makes sense why everyone would think that. it does, completely. but the truth is, it isn't that at all. it's him, every nuance of his being. no one is the same, and no one could possibly fill chris's spot. cus in all honesty, he is weird, and so am i, no one could ever be like him, laugh at my retarded jokes the way he does. it's not even about that, it's just HIM, EVERYTHING that makes him, him. even the bad parts, it's still him, and i love it all.
but it's all his little habits, his smile which makes me think of him. it doesn't matter who the new guy is. tonight i totally gave off bad vibes to a good cute guy cus he was a 3rd year... i dono, i'm stubborn when i'm drunk, i just start backing away, for no reason, even if they seem intereted. i can't change that, even if i regret it. and i end up doing this a lot, giving the finger to good guys, just cus i have a problem with something, like they're below 5"9', if they're younger (even by one year, which is hard since i'm now a 4th year), if he's not chris perty much. and i'm being crazy, but i can't help it, i can still smell his sweet smell, the innocence of his love. and honestly, i just want to be with him, wrapped in security, the certainty of his embrace. but that will never happen, it is too late, i have lost him forever. i feels like even if i have a great relationship with someone else, if chris is ready, i might say goodbye, leave for the only person who i've truly loved, dispite all the problems, the dillusions, the lies.
i finally understand that it's because we love strange unattractive parts of each other without judgement, rather, it is waht we want. yesterday, while having dinner, i told him that i was being super emo last night and being all mental, and he said that if i turned all normal he wouldn't be as interested anymore, that he likes that ummm... strange side of me. i can't imagine feeling such a variety of emotions for anyone else. but in truth, i feel like he will move onto better girl, to ones that will stroke his ego, ones who will not mock him at every chance, deam his hobbies as worthless. and why wouldn't he want that, why would i want to do that? happiness is but a dream, it wouldn't be right. wait for the clean slate of his smile. and thats all i want sometimes.
i dont think anyone really understand, that it's not about being alone, it's not about being able to find someone else. it's him, only him. more than ever, it's not tied back to other people. i already know that i can find someone else, everyone can. but the real problem is, i love everything about chris, even the parts that i had problems with. it was him, nothing else. and unfortunatly, no one thinks that it's the case. it's not about finding someone else... i dont know how i can explain that. and it makes sense why everyone would think that. it does, completely. but the truth is, it isn't that at all. it's him, every nuance of his being. no one is the same, and no one could possibly fill chris's spot. cus in all honesty, he is weird, and so am i, no one could ever be like him, laugh at my retarded jokes the way he does. it's not even about that, it's just HIM, EVERYTHING that makes him, him. even the bad parts, it's still him, and i love it all.
but it's all his little habits, his smile which makes me think of him. it doesn't matter who the new guy is. tonight i totally gave off bad vibes to a good cute guy cus he was a 3rd year... i dono, i'm stubborn when i'm drunk, i just start backing away, for no reason, even if they seem intereted. i can't change that, even if i regret it. and i end up doing this a lot, giving the finger to good guys, just cus i have a problem with something, like they're below 5"9', if they're younger (even by one year, which is hard since i'm now a 4th year), if he's not chris perty much. and i'm being crazy, but i can't help it, i can still smell his sweet smell, the innocence of his love. and honestly, i just want to be with him, wrapped in security, the certainty of his embrace. but that will never happen, it is too late, i have lost him forever. i feels like even if i have a great relationship with someone else, if chris is ready, i might say goodbye, leave for the only person who i've truly loved, dispite all the problems, the dillusions, the lies.
i finally understand that it's because we love strange unattractive parts of each other without judgement, rather, it is waht we want. yesterday, while having dinner, i told him that i was being super emo last night and being all mental, and he said that if i turned all normal he wouldn't be as interested anymore, that he likes that ummm... strange side of me. i can't imagine feeling such a variety of emotions for anyone else. but in truth, i feel like he will move onto better girl, to ones that will stroke his ego, ones who will not mock him at every chance, deam his hobbies as worthless. and why wouldn't he want that, why would i want to do that? happiness is but a dream, it wouldn't be right. wait for the clean slate of his smile. and thats all i want sometimes.