i am a thousand miles from the place i need to go - part one
Title: i am a thousand miles from the place i need to go
Fandom: sports/freeski RPF
Rating: R
Pairing(s): Xavier Bertoni/Kevin Rolland
Disclaimer: This is not real, this never happened. I don't know them and this is all fiction. Made up stuff.
Notes: Thank you to metafic for the beta and much love to several of you for reading this over and telling me that it didn't suck. Also, a big BIG thank you to by tour_treasure for her wonderful mixes.
This is for the spacebigbang.
Mixes: My Other Life and Another Life by tour_treasure
---
Xavier always wanted to do something extraordinary with his life. When he was little, he'd wanted to ski. He loved the snow and the mountains. But then, around the time he turned 15, the snow started to melt and it never really stopped. He's twenty now and they say that in 10 years at least half the world'll be covered in water. He'd be thirty then, with more than half his life ahead of him. But he's not there yet, the world's not there yet. But even so, every time he looked out his window, he could see the mountains, bare. Not that he can see them anymore, not from Paris.
He finished school, but only barely. He'd made a summer/winter holiday friend into a best friend (maybe boyfriend, but it's confusing). They skateboard, there’s no snow for skiing, through the streets of Paris now that cars are banned. Sometimes they ride bikes that once belonged to their parents. Life in Europe is hard, after the riots. There’s a government back in power, but only just. It keeps the electricity on, and the army keeps the people in line, mostly.
There are places Xavier would've liked to visit. He has a map in his bedroom of all the places he wanted to go. Sometimes when Kevin's hanging out in Xavier's room, he'll lie on his bed and look up at the ceiling, where the map is. Xavier will join him, words only a whisper, I want to go to Boulder. Vancouver. I want to ski in California. Japan. Australia, he'll say and Kevin will tell him to shut up, because it makes Kevin upset, to think of all the things they could've (would’ve) done.
When Xavier's parents died, he thought his world was ending. They said the riots wouldn't reach the Alps. They wouldn't dare touch the resorts. But his parents, the government, they were all wrong. And on the night of his 17th birthday, his parents disappeared while he hid in the basement. When he emerged, a week later, they were dead, along with nearly everyone else in La Clusaz. He hadn't known what to do, so he'd just stayed, trying to survive.
Two weeks later the army, along with Kevin's parents, had shown up. Xavier moved in with them until he was 18. He was there a year, then he and Kevin moved out. They left Kevin's parents in a suburb of Paris and moved into the city itself. It was the safest place, Kevin had argued with his parents. Lots of army, no cars, just people.
The riots died down, eventually, but Kevin was all Xavier had left. And now he's 20 and the world is changing again, if it had ever stopped. The snow on Xavier's mountains melted, the ice caps were melting, the sea was rising and then the world was ending, at least that's what the homeless on the streets said. And the news. The papers, everything. Xavier didn't know what to believe anymore. Hours turned into days and days into weeks and weeks into months which turned into years and two years had passed.
22. Still living with Kevin, his boyfriend and yet not boyfriend. They both worked in a skate shop, part of a larger bike shop. His life was the same thing every day, except he no longer listened to the news. If there was something important going on, Kevin's parents would let them know. Xavier didn't want to spend the rest of his life, however short it was, living in fear of the end of the world. Every day, on the way to work, the heat or massive rain storms reminded him of the inevitable.
And then everything changed, as life was wont to do. It was exactly two months after his 22th birthday when Kevin came rushing up the stairs of their flat, right into Xavier's room.
"They're taking applications!" He was shouting, looking both terrified and excited.
Xavier, who'd been half-asleep in the July heat, sat up. "Who's taking what now?" He rubbed at his eyes.
Kevin was bouncing on the balls of his feet. "The International Space Agency!"
"They're … for what?" Xavier thought he should know this. He remembered a conversation with Kevin a few weeks ago, but it was blurring in his mind.
"The ISA's taking applications for the Human Satellite-Habitat." Kevin looked him expectantly.
Oh, that, Xavier thought as his memories of the earlier conversation came flooding back. He held his hand out, letting Kevin give him the brochure. He flipped through it and then looked up.
"Kev, for fuck's sake, sit down. You're going to bounce a hole in the floor." He turned back to the brochure which, he realized, was actually an application. When Kevin sat down next to him on the bed, Xavier realized he had another in his own hand.
"Xav?" Kevin asked.
Xavier bit his bottom lip and looked at his best friend. "You're not kidding about this."
Kevin looked so stricken that Xavier felt like a dick.
"Kev, look. I'm sorry, I didn't … Shit." He mumbled, looking away.
Kevin reached out and slid his hand into Xavier's. "I won't apply, if you won't."
"What about your parents?" Which was, in all honesty, Xavier's sticking point. He wanted to go, he had nothing here but Kevin and his family. Their friends had left Paris for other parts of the world or died. His whole family was gone, lost in the riots and later the floods.
Kevin swallowed hard. "Mum and dad, they're …"
Xavier turned abruptly to look at his best friend. "Dying? Moving? Spit it out, Kevin."
"They're opting for the early exit program,” he said quietly.
Xavier couldn't think clearly, he could only stare at Kevin. "They're going to …" He trailed off. Early exit was a program for adults who wanted to end their lives. Everyone under the age of 60 was excluded, but over 60, you could be part of the Mars expedition, the underwater habitat or early exit.
"Yeah." Kevin couldn't look at him.
Xavier grabbing Kevin's shoulders. "How long have you known?"
"Nearly a month." He looked at his hands.
Xavier pushed up off his bed, pacing across his small room. "When were you going to tell me?"
"Xav, I …" Kevin's voice broke and Xavier looked at his best friend. He didn't know what to do. Kevin was always there for him, when his parents were killed, when they moved into their own place. They'd always had each other's backs. It wasn't that Xavier was upset Kevin was keeping this from him, it was more that he completely understood why and it was killing him, because he'd do the same thing.
"I don't need protecting,” he whispered.
Kevin pushed up off the bed, walking toward Xavier. For a moment they did nothing, then Xavier held out a hand and pulled Kevin to him. He pressed his mouth against Kevin's, kissing him roughly. He could feel tears on his cheeks, but he didn't know who they belonged to and it didn’t matter.
"When?" He finally asked when they pulled apart.
"Next year," came Kevin's soft reply.
Silence seemed to swallow them whole. Xavier kept one hand in Kevin's while he reached for the brochure/application thing. He looked at it and then at Kevin.
"And this?"
Kevin looked at it, then back at Xavier. "That's why."
Xavier blanched. "What?"
"They thought it would be easier for us to leave if they were gone." Kevin looked stricken as the words left his mouth and Xavier couldn't blame him.
But the longer they stood there, in silence, the more Xavier realized that Kevin's parents were right. He looked at Kevin and then he had to look away. It hurt, thinking about this, but it wasn't like this was unexpected. Plenty of people were choosing this option, parents of their friends had done it, though perhaps not for the unselfish reasons that Kevin's were.
"They're right." Xavier said, filling the silence with what he felt was a tiny voice.
Kevin's grip on his hand tightened. "The worst … The worst part is that you're right." Kevin's voice broke again and Xavier wanted to break, too.
"We should apply. We shouldn't let them down," Xavier finally said after yet another infinite silence.
---
Two months later, at the beginning of September, they were admitted into the ISA's European academy. Kevin's parents were to take the Early Exit in September of next year, a week before the ISA's satellite habitat launched. Xavier tried not to think about it, but it was always there, lingering in the back of his mind.
The academy was hard, but they were lucky. Most of the new recruits, as they were called, were from across Europe, but the home base of the ISA was Paris. Xavier and Kevin hadn't had to move into the dorms, which meant they went home at night, to their tiny flat. It also meant they missed out on parties, but Xavier found he didn't want to party anyway and he knew Kevin didn't want to, either.
During the first six months of training, they barely saw Kevin's parents, but during the last six months they did. They had to attend end of life counseling, all four of them. It was horrible, too much tears and heartache. Xavier thought he'd never see Kevin smile again and that he, himself, would never be able to be happy again.
And then graduation came. It was the end of August and Kevin's parents were there. Proud and eyes glistening with tears. It was the last time Xavier would see them alive. He'd wanted to go to the ending ceremony, but the laws wouldn't permit it. Though Kevin's parents had treated him like a son, legally he wasn't a relative. So, instead, he went out and got drunk while Kevin buried his parents.
He was a shit boyfriend, he knew this, but he didn't care. Kevin hadn't, either, in the end. Because he'd come home and gotten drunk too They'd fucked, for the first time in a long time, or at least tried. But it was horrible. Xavier was too drunk and Kevin got sick and mostly they both just wanted to cry.
Two weeks later they were on the shuttle, flying them up to the satellite they'd soon call home.
---
Xavier had always always imagined space to be a big black vacuum of nothingness. And, in some ways, he was right. But every time he looked out the window of the cabin he shared with Kevin, he saw stars. The Earth. Sometimes even the Moon. Often, other planets. Space was nothing like he'd imagined and everything he'd hoped, even when he was reluctant to sign up.
In that year, between the day he found out about Kevin's parents and the lift off of their shuttle, Xavier had expected something to change. The world to suddenly heal itself, repairing the ozone layer. His parents returning to Paris, not having died after all. Kevin's parents not having to die. He harbored fantasies about living in the Alps and skiing with Kevin for the rest of his life. It wasn't until he was finally on that shuttle, flying toward the future, that Xavier realized that the world was not going to get better.
He hadn't told Kevin, didn't know how to, really. But every time the Earth passes in front of their window, he's reminded of his own secrets. Not that Kevin didn't have any, it was mostly that Xavier felt guilty for keeping his own. He would dwell on those secrets and convince himself too tell Kevin, but by the time an opportunity arose, something always got in the way.
Life wasn't really hard on the ship, at least no harder than the academy had been. The worst part was getting used to the changes in gravity. The scientists who ran most of the satellite explained that they couldn't mimic earth's gravity exactly, but that weightlessness wasn't healthy either. So the gravity of the satellite was close to Earth, but not quite. Kevin and several of the other recruits spent the first week sick, even though they'd all used the simulators. Xavier wasn't, though. Which meant that he spend the longest and loneliest week of his life missing Earth, Kevin, and both sets of parents.
When Kevin was finally fit enough to return to his cabin, Xavier almost burst into tears. He couldn't find the words to explain what he felt or why. But the end he didn't have to because Kevin understood. They didn't talk about it, but unlike Xavier's other secrets, this one was comfortable. They spent that first week, finally together, curled around each other. In bed when they weren't working or studying.
It turned out that they had a lot of learning ahead of them. Xavier remembers all the science fiction shows and movies he used to watch and understands that his world is completely different from those. Sure, the walls are white and everyone wears similar uniforms, but that's about where the similarities end. The Human Satellite-Habitat, or HSH, was part experiment and part permanent residence. They were guinea pigs, of a sort, to find out it if would be safe to build more of these, to save the human race.
It took Xavier almost six months realize that he hated the HSH. It took Kevin a year. The second set of six months was almost more than Xavier could stand. He hated the atmosphere, the people. Every time he looked out their window, it was like they hadn't moved at all, which he supposed wasn't technically true, but they weren't going anywhere. Earth wrenched his heart and whenever they passed over Europe, Xavier would feel himself start to break all over again. It wasn’t right, he told the HSH psychologist, but she had no answers for him. The solution would've been to go back to Earth, but they both know that even if Xavier could leave Kevin (which he wouldn't do), there wasn't much left on Earth for him.
It took Xavier that entire year before he could confess his fears to Kevin, only to find out that Kevin felt the same way. It comforted Xavier, to know that his best friend, his boyfriend (because that's what they were now, perhaps always had been, since Kevin's family had rescued him), understood him. Felt the same way.
"I can't live like this," Xavier whispered, his mouth against Kevin's neck.
Kevin's arms slid tight around him. "We could go home." There was an ache in his voice that Xavier felt vividly.
"There's nothing …" He couldn't complete the sentence, but he didn't need to, not really. Kevin knew, of course, what was waiting for them. Kevin's parents' abandoned house, if it was even still there. Perhaps their flat was available. But it didn't matter.
"I know." Kevin murmured. They could never go back, they knew that the moment they applied to the ISA, they knew it when Kevin's parents died, and when the shuttle took them to the HSH.
They talk about it, sometimes. Kevin indulges Xavier's fantasies. Prints out maps of the way Earth used to look. Of mountains and snow. Of back country skiing. Their walls are plastered with the pictures, because Xavier never wants to forget and Kevin loves him enough to understand this. Xavier's grateful, more than he can ever express. Their friends, the few that they have, understand. Sometimes Xavier will catch glimpses of other people's rooms. There are walls covered with pictures of athletes, mostly footballers, but also rainforests and rivers, deserts and cities, places that no longer exist, people who aren't alive anymore.
Another six months pass and four more HSHs have been launched. Both Xavier and Kevin learn different trades. Xavier can repair engines, he can read any schematic thrown in front of him. He feels a bit like Scotty from Star Trek, if only he could travel, he thinks as he shuttles back from one of the newer HSHs, having fixed a problem with one of their engines. Kevin's waiting for him by the docking bay, as always.
Kevin's job is different, he spends more time with plants than people. He'd found a love for green things, which means while their room is filled with dreams that don't exist anymore, their tables and chairs, counters and shelves, are full of life. It's the only thing that keeps them both going, outside of each other.
And then, one year and seven months since they'd moved into their HSH, a chance comes. Thomas, one of their friends (French, a boy who loved to ski as much as they did), pounds on their door, far too early. Xavier rolls out of bed, leaving Kevin behind. As he walks toward the door, he can hear Kevin getting up, groaning at the early hour, but Xavier thinks it must be important. He pulls the door open, sees Thomas bouncing up and down. It reminds Xavier, almost like a punch to the gut, of the moment Kevin told him about the ISA applications.
"They've done it!" Thomas says, pushing into the room.
Xavier shuts the door, turning and notices that Kevin's making coffee. He grabs a hoodie from a pile of clothes and pulls it out. He gestures for Thomas to sit, even though he knows it's futile.
"Who's done what?" Kevin asks, waiting for the water to boil.
Thomas beams at the two of them. "The ISA! They've completed their first shuttle."
"Shuttle?" Maybe it's too early, but Xavier's not catching on.
Thomas nods and then notices that both Kevin and Xavier have confused looks on his face and explains. "It's not … I mean, technically it's more like a ship. They want people to join."
"A ship," Kevin says and then looks over Thomas' head at Xavier.
"Where's it going?" Xavier can barely get the words out.
Thomas shrugs. "Dunno yet. Away from here, I suppose." He looks lost, serious and Xavier reaches out, squeezing his shoulder.
Silence, then the timer goes and the coffee's ready. Three cups and they sit in silence, even Thomas' excitement is subdued. They're still sitting that way, sipping the coffee when the announcement comes.
Thomas rushes back to his cabin, not far from Xavier and Kevin's, to change into his uniform. Twenty minutes later the three of them make their way to the briefing room, which is like a gigantic conference room of sorts. Their commander, named Jonathan something or other, Xavier never bothered to remember, is standing on the podium. Behind him is a screen with what looks like a spaceship, out of the science fiction stories Xavier's always trying to forget.
"Welcome, Human Satellite-Habitat One. I'd like to introduce you to Torin Yater-Wallace." Commander Jonathan steps out of the way and an extremely young-looking man steps up to the microphone.
Kevin leans over and whispers how young he looks to Xavier, who can only shrug in reply. They've been here for long enough that everyone from Earth looks young, different. He wonders if there are any old people left, if he even knows the meaning of the word. He tunes back in just as Yater-Wallace is making some sort of offer.
"We're looking for a committed crew. I already have some, but since all of you were the first to live in space, it's only fair that you get first dibs on the ship." He looks around and seems about to say something when someone shouts at him from the crowd, “Aren't you a little young to have your own ship?" Xavier can't see who it is, but he joins in the quiet laughter.
Yater-Wallace doesn't look concerned, though. He just shrugs. "Captain Dumont is dealing with issues back on Earth. I'm just first officer."
A hush falls over the crowd and Xavier swears that Yater-Wallace smirks, but he could be too far away to tell. And then the boy's talking again. He feels Kevin's hand on his and glances over at him.
"When you return to your quarters or workstations, you will find access codes for applications. Please only apply if you're serious about joining us." He stops a moment and then looks out into the crowd. Xavier shivers and when Yater-Wallace speaks again, he knows why. "This is a one-way mission, folks. You're not coming back."
There's a silent sentence Yater-Wallace doesn't utter, the same one that keeps Kevin and Xavier on this ship. There'll be nothing to come back to, Xavier thinks, curling his fingers around Kevin's. The boy says a few more things, but Xavier can't keep his mind off the application that's waiting for him to fill out. They have to go, he thinks, he can't stay here any longer, especially not now.
The meeting adjourns and both he and Kevin blow Thomas off and opt to return to their quarters. Looking around, most people are milling about, but Xavier can tell that Kevin's feeling the urgency. They don't talk as they walk, don't even touch. They're in the room before Xavier loses his grip, just for a moment. His breathing goes ragged and the world starts to spin. Kevin's arms around him, holding him up.
"We have to," Xavier sputters.
Kevin's mouth against Xavier's jaw. "I know. We will."
Xavier pulls himself together and they spent the next two hours filling out the application. It reminds him, in a morbid kind of way, like the first kind of applications they filled out. But this time they have more experiences, valuable knowledge that could get them off the HSH and onto something that's actually moving. Xavier doesn't care how he gets on there, just that he has to leave the satellite. He almost writes that on his application, but decides that the last thing he wants to be is desperate. The only thing he's worried about is the psych evaluation, but that won't happen unless they've been selected.
Part Two
Fandom: sports/freeski RPF
Rating: R
Pairing(s): Xavier Bertoni/Kevin Rolland
Disclaimer: This is not real, this never happened. I don't know them and this is all fiction. Made up stuff.
Notes: Thank you to metafic for the beta and much love to several of you for reading this over and telling me that it didn't suck. Also, a big BIG thank you to by tour_treasure for her wonderful mixes.
This is for the spacebigbang.
Mixes: My Other Life and Another Life by tour_treasure
---
Xavier always wanted to do something extraordinary with his life. When he was little, he'd wanted to ski. He loved the snow and the mountains. But then, around the time he turned 15, the snow started to melt and it never really stopped. He's twenty now and they say that in 10 years at least half the world'll be covered in water. He'd be thirty then, with more than half his life ahead of him. But he's not there yet, the world's not there yet. But even so, every time he looked out his window, he could see the mountains, bare. Not that he can see them anymore, not from Paris.
He finished school, but only barely. He'd made a summer/winter holiday friend into a best friend (maybe boyfriend, but it's confusing). They skateboard, there’s no snow for skiing, through the streets of Paris now that cars are banned. Sometimes they ride bikes that once belonged to their parents. Life in Europe is hard, after the riots. There’s a government back in power, but only just. It keeps the electricity on, and the army keeps the people in line, mostly.
There are places Xavier would've liked to visit. He has a map in his bedroom of all the places he wanted to go. Sometimes when Kevin's hanging out in Xavier's room, he'll lie on his bed and look up at the ceiling, where the map is. Xavier will join him, words only a whisper, I want to go to Boulder. Vancouver. I want to ski in California. Japan. Australia, he'll say and Kevin will tell him to shut up, because it makes Kevin upset, to think of all the things they could've (would’ve) done.
When Xavier's parents died, he thought his world was ending. They said the riots wouldn't reach the Alps. They wouldn't dare touch the resorts. But his parents, the government, they were all wrong. And on the night of his 17th birthday, his parents disappeared while he hid in the basement. When he emerged, a week later, they were dead, along with nearly everyone else in La Clusaz. He hadn't known what to do, so he'd just stayed, trying to survive.
Two weeks later the army, along with Kevin's parents, had shown up. Xavier moved in with them until he was 18. He was there a year, then he and Kevin moved out. They left Kevin's parents in a suburb of Paris and moved into the city itself. It was the safest place, Kevin had argued with his parents. Lots of army, no cars, just people.
The riots died down, eventually, but Kevin was all Xavier had left. And now he's 20 and the world is changing again, if it had ever stopped. The snow on Xavier's mountains melted, the ice caps were melting, the sea was rising and then the world was ending, at least that's what the homeless on the streets said. And the news. The papers, everything. Xavier didn't know what to believe anymore. Hours turned into days and days into weeks and weeks into months which turned into years and two years had passed.
22. Still living with Kevin, his boyfriend and yet not boyfriend. They both worked in a skate shop, part of a larger bike shop. His life was the same thing every day, except he no longer listened to the news. If there was something important going on, Kevin's parents would let them know. Xavier didn't want to spend the rest of his life, however short it was, living in fear of the end of the world. Every day, on the way to work, the heat or massive rain storms reminded him of the inevitable.
And then everything changed, as life was wont to do. It was exactly two months after his 22th birthday when Kevin came rushing up the stairs of their flat, right into Xavier's room.
"They're taking applications!" He was shouting, looking both terrified and excited.
Xavier, who'd been half-asleep in the July heat, sat up. "Who's taking what now?" He rubbed at his eyes.
Kevin was bouncing on the balls of his feet. "The International Space Agency!"
"They're … for what?" Xavier thought he should know this. He remembered a conversation with Kevin a few weeks ago, but it was blurring in his mind.
"The ISA's taking applications for the Human Satellite-Habitat." Kevin looked him expectantly.
Oh, that, Xavier thought as his memories of the earlier conversation came flooding back. He held his hand out, letting Kevin give him the brochure. He flipped through it and then looked up.
"Kev, for fuck's sake, sit down. You're going to bounce a hole in the floor." He turned back to the brochure which, he realized, was actually an application. When Kevin sat down next to him on the bed, Xavier realized he had another in his own hand.
"Xav?" Kevin asked.
Xavier bit his bottom lip and looked at his best friend. "You're not kidding about this."
Kevin looked so stricken that Xavier felt like a dick.
"Kev, look. I'm sorry, I didn't … Shit." He mumbled, looking away.
Kevin reached out and slid his hand into Xavier's. "I won't apply, if you won't."
"What about your parents?" Which was, in all honesty, Xavier's sticking point. He wanted to go, he had nothing here but Kevin and his family. Their friends had left Paris for other parts of the world or died. His whole family was gone, lost in the riots and later the floods.
Kevin swallowed hard. "Mum and dad, they're …"
Xavier turned abruptly to look at his best friend. "Dying? Moving? Spit it out, Kevin."
"They're opting for the early exit program,” he said quietly.
Xavier couldn't think clearly, he could only stare at Kevin. "They're going to …" He trailed off. Early exit was a program for adults who wanted to end their lives. Everyone under the age of 60 was excluded, but over 60, you could be part of the Mars expedition, the underwater habitat or early exit.
"Yeah." Kevin couldn't look at him.
Xavier grabbing Kevin's shoulders. "How long have you known?"
"Nearly a month." He looked at his hands.
Xavier pushed up off his bed, pacing across his small room. "When were you going to tell me?"
"Xav, I …" Kevin's voice broke and Xavier looked at his best friend. He didn't know what to do. Kevin was always there for him, when his parents were killed, when they moved into their own place. They'd always had each other's backs. It wasn't that Xavier was upset Kevin was keeping this from him, it was more that he completely understood why and it was killing him, because he'd do the same thing.
"I don't need protecting,” he whispered.
Kevin pushed up off the bed, walking toward Xavier. For a moment they did nothing, then Xavier held out a hand and pulled Kevin to him. He pressed his mouth against Kevin's, kissing him roughly. He could feel tears on his cheeks, but he didn't know who they belonged to and it didn’t matter.
"When?" He finally asked when they pulled apart.
"Next year," came Kevin's soft reply.
Silence seemed to swallow them whole. Xavier kept one hand in Kevin's while he reached for the brochure/application thing. He looked at it and then at Kevin.
"And this?"
Kevin looked at it, then back at Xavier. "That's why."
Xavier blanched. "What?"
"They thought it would be easier for us to leave if they were gone." Kevin looked stricken as the words left his mouth and Xavier couldn't blame him.
But the longer they stood there, in silence, the more Xavier realized that Kevin's parents were right. He looked at Kevin and then he had to look away. It hurt, thinking about this, but it wasn't like this was unexpected. Plenty of people were choosing this option, parents of their friends had done it, though perhaps not for the unselfish reasons that Kevin's were.
"They're right." Xavier said, filling the silence with what he felt was a tiny voice.
Kevin's grip on his hand tightened. "The worst … The worst part is that you're right." Kevin's voice broke again and Xavier wanted to break, too.
"We should apply. We shouldn't let them down," Xavier finally said after yet another infinite silence.
---
Two months later, at the beginning of September, they were admitted into the ISA's European academy. Kevin's parents were to take the Early Exit in September of next year, a week before the ISA's satellite habitat launched. Xavier tried not to think about it, but it was always there, lingering in the back of his mind.
The academy was hard, but they were lucky. Most of the new recruits, as they were called, were from across Europe, but the home base of the ISA was Paris. Xavier and Kevin hadn't had to move into the dorms, which meant they went home at night, to their tiny flat. It also meant they missed out on parties, but Xavier found he didn't want to party anyway and he knew Kevin didn't want to, either.
During the first six months of training, they barely saw Kevin's parents, but during the last six months they did. They had to attend end of life counseling, all four of them. It was horrible, too much tears and heartache. Xavier thought he'd never see Kevin smile again and that he, himself, would never be able to be happy again.
And then graduation came. It was the end of August and Kevin's parents were there. Proud and eyes glistening with tears. It was the last time Xavier would see them alive. He'd wanted to go to the ending ceremony, but the laws wouldn't permit it. Though Kevin's parents had treated him like a son, legally he wasn't a relative. So, instead, he went out and got drunk while Kevin buried his parents.
He was a shit boyfriend, he knew this, but he didn't care. Kevin hadn't, either, in the end. Because he'd come home and gotten drunk too They'd fucked, for the first time in a long time, or at least tried. But it was horrible. Xavier was too drunk and Kevin got sick and mostly they both just wanted to cry.
Two weeks later they were on the shuttle, flying them up to the satellite they'd soon call home.
---
Xavier had always always imagined space to be a big black vacuum of nothingness. And, in some ways, he was right. But every time he looked out the window of the cabin he shared with Kevin, he saw stars. The Earth. Sometimes even the Moon. Often, other planets. Space was nothing like he'd imagined and everything he'd hoped, even when he was reluctant to sign up.
In that year, between the day he found out about Kevin's parents and the lift off of their shuttle, Xavier had expected something to change. The world to suddenly heal itself, repairing the ozone layer. His parents returning to Paris, not having died after all. Kevin's parents not having to die. He harbored fantasies about living in the Alps and skiing with Kevin for the rest of his life. It wasn't until he was finally on that shuttle, flying toward the future, that Xavier realized that the world was not going to get better.
He hadn't told Kevin, didn't know how to, really. But every time the Earth passes in front of their window, he's reminded of his own secrets. Not that Kevin didn't have any, it was mostly that Xavier felt guilty for keeping his own. He would dwell on those secrets and convince himself too tell Kevin, but by the time an opportunity arose, something always got in the way.
Life wasn't really hard on the ship, at least no harder than the academy had been. The worst part was getting used to the changes in gravity. The scientists who ran most of the satellite explained that they couldn't mimic earth's gravity exactly, but that weightlessness wasn't healthy either. So the gravity of the satellite was close to Earth, but not quite. Kevin and several of the other recruits spent the first week sick, even though they'd all used the simulators. Xavier wasn't, though. Which meant that he spend the longest and loneliest week of his life missing Earth, Kevin, and both sets of parents.
When Kevin was finally fit enough to return to his cabin, Xavier almost burst into tears. He couldn't find the words to explain what he felt or why. But the end he didn't have to because Kevin understood. They didn't talk about it, but unlike Xavier's other secrets, this one was comfortable. They spent that first week, finally together, curled around each other. In bed when they weren't working or studying.
It turned out that they had a lot of learning ahead of them. Xavier remembers all the science fiction shows and movies he used to watch and understands that his world is completely different from those. Sure, the walls are white and everyone wears similar uniforms, but that's about where the similarities end. The Human Satellite-Habitat, or HSH, was part experiment and part permanent residence. They were guinea pigs, of a sort, to find out it if would be safe to build more of these, to save the human race.
It took Xavier almost six months realize that he hated the HSH. It took Kevin a year. The second set of six months was almost more than Xavier could stand. He hated the atmosphere, the people. Every time he looked out their window, it was like they hadn't moved at all, which he supposed wasn't technically true, but they weren't going anywhere. Earth wrenched his heart and whenever they passed over Europe, Xavier would feel himself start to break all over again. It wasn’t right, he told the HSH psychologist, but she had no answers for him. The solution would've been to go back to Earth, but they both know that even if Xavier could leave Kevin (which he wouldn't do), there wasn't much left on Earth for him.
It took Xavier that entire year before he could confess his fears to Kevin, only to find out that Kevin felt the same way. It comforted Xavier, to know that his best friend, his boyfriend (because that's what they were now, perhaps always had been, since Kevin's family had rescued him), understood him. Felt the same way.
"I can't live like this," Xavier whispered, his mouth against Kevin's neck.
Kevin's arms slid tight around him. "We could go home." There was an ache in his voice that Xavier felt vividly.
"There's nothing …" He couldn't complete the sentence, but he didn't need to, not really. Kevin knew, of course, what was waiting for them. Kevin's parents' abandoned house, if it was even still there. Perhaps their flat was available. But it didn't matter.
"I know." Kevin murmured. They could never go back, they knew that the moment they applied to the ISA, they knew it when Kevin's parents died, and when the shuttle took them to the HSH.
They talk about it, sometimes. Kevin indulges Xavier's fantasies. Prints out maps of the way Earth used to look. Of mountains and snow. Of back country skiing. Their walls are plastered with the pictures, because Xavier never wants to forget and Kevin loves him enough to understand this. Xavier's grateful, more than he can ever express. Their friends, the few that they have, understand. Sometimes Xavier will catch glimpses of other people's rooms. There are walls covered with pictures of athletes, mostly footballers, but also rainforests and rivers, deserts and cities, places that no longer exist, people who aren't alive anymore.
Another six months pass and four more HSHs have been launched. Both Xavier and Kevin learn different trades. Xavier can repair engines, he can read any schematic thrown in front of him. He feels a bit like Scotty from Star Trek, if only he could travel, he thinks as he shuttles back from one of the newer HSHs, having fixed a problem with one of their engines. Kevin's waiting for him by the docking bay, as always.
Kevin's job is different, he spends more time with plants than people. He'd found a love for green things, which means while their room is filled with dreams that don't exist anymore, their tables and chairs, counters and shelves, are full of life. It's the only thing that keeps them both going, outside of each other.
And then, one year and seven months since they'd moved into their HSH, a chance comes. Thomas, one of their friends (French, a boy who loved to ski as much as they did), pounds on their door, far too early. Xavier rolls out of bed, leaving Kevin behind. As he walks toward the door, he can hear Kevin getting up, groaning at the early hour, but Xavier thinks it must be important. He pulls the door open, sees Thomas bouncing up and down. It reminds Xavier, almost like a punch to the gut, of the moment Kevin told him about the ISA applications.
"They've done it!" Thomas says, pushing into the room.
Xavier shuts the door, turning and notices that Kevin's making coffee. He grabs a hoodie from a pile of clothes and pulls it out. He gestures for Thomas to sit, even though he knows it's futile.
"Who's done what?" Kevin asks, waiting for the water to boil.
Thomas beams at the two of them. "The ISA! They've completed their first shuttle."
"Shuttle?" Maybe it's too early, but Xavier's not catching on.
Thomas nods and then notices that both Kevin and Xavier have confused looks on his face and explains. "It's not … I mean, technically it's more like a ship. They want people to join."
"A ship," Kevin says and then looks over Thomas' head at Xavier.
"Where's it going?" Xavier can barely get the words out.
Thomas shrugs. "Dunno yet. Away from here, I suppose." He looks lost, serious and Xavier reaches out, squeezing his shoulder.
Silence, then the timer goes and the coffee's ready. Three cups and they sit in silence, even Thomas' excitement is subdued. They're still sitting that way, sipping the coffee when the announcement comes.
Thomas rushes back to his cabin, not far from Xavier and Kevin's, to change into his uniform. Twenty minutes later the three of them make their way to the briefing room, which is like a gigantic conference room of sorts. Their commander, named Jonathan something or other, Xavier never bothered to remember, is standing on the podium. Behind him is a screen with what looks like a spaceship, out of the science fiction stories Xavier's always trying to forget.
"Welcome, Human Satellite-Habitat One. I'd like to introduce you to Torin Yater-Wallace." Commander Jonathan steps out of the way and an extremely young-looking man steps up to the microphone.
Kevin leans over and whispers how young he looks to Xavier, who can only shrug in reply. They've been here for long enough that everyone from Earth looks young, different. He wonders if there are any old people left, if he even knows the meaning of the word. He tunes back in just as Yater-Wallace is making some sort of offer.
"We're looking for a committed crew. I already have some, but since all of you were the first to live in space, it's only fair that you get first dibs on the ship." He looks around and seems about to say something when someone shouts at him from the crowd, “Aren't you a little young to have your own ship?" Xavier can't see who it is, but he joins in the quiet laughter.
Yater-Wallace doesn't look concerned, though. He just shrugs. "Captain Dumont is dealing with issues back on Earth. I'm just first officer."
A hush falls over the crowd and Xavier swears that Yater-Wallace smirks, but he could be too far away to tell. And then the boy's talking again. He feels Kevin's hand on his and glances over at him.
"When you return to your quarters or workstations, you will find access codes for applications. Please only apply if you're serious about joining us." He stops a moment and then looks out into the crowd. Xavier shivers and when Yater-Wallace speaks again, he knows why. "This is a one-way mission, folks. You're not coming back."
There's a silent sentence Yater-Wallace doesn't utter, the same one that keeps Kevin and Xavier on this ship. There'll be nothing to come back to, Xavier thinks, curling his fingers around Kevin's. The boy says a few more things, but Xavier can't keep his mind off the application that's waiting for him to fill out. They have to go, he thinks, he can't stay here any longer, especially not now.
The meeting adjourns and both he and Kevin blow Thomas off and opt to return to their quarters. Looking around, most people are milling about, but Xavier can tell that Kevin's feeling the urgency. They don't talk as they walk, don't even touch. They're in the room before Xavier loses his grip, just for a moment. His breathing goes ragged and the world starts to spin. Kevin's arms around him, holding him up.
"We have to," Xavier sputters.
Kevin's mouth against Xavier's jaw. "I know. We will."
Xavier pulls himself together and they spent the next two hours filling out the application. It reminds him, in a morbid kind of way, like the first kind of applications they filled out. But this time they have more experiences, valuable knowledge that could get them off the HSH and onto something that's actually moving. Xavier doesn't care how he gets on there, just that he has to leave the satellite. He almost writes that on his application, but decides that the last thing he wants to be is desperate. The only thing he's worried about is the psych evaluation, but that won't happen unless they've been selected.
Part Two