"Caution: do not spill the magic bleach on the floor. Dumbass."
MY GUIDE TO SHIT I LIKE: Part Two
Top Three Things I Understand To Work 100% By Magic
1. Pencils. I'm not mystified by pencils as a construct. I know how they work, you know? What I don't have any grasp of is how they make pencils. How do they stuff the graphite inside that wooden tube without breaking it? And then why doesn't it just slip right out? You can destroy graphite practically by looking at it, so what mystical method to the pencil people use to make their freaky pencils?
2. Colour safe bleach. What is this? How can this be a real thing? This is like have allergy-safe peanut butter sandwhiches, or drunk-safe Jagermeister. Colour safe bleach is a contradiction in terms. It's not real. It's a made-up thing.
3. Airplanes. I know it's all "air pressure, Bernoulli principle, air molecules racing to meet each other on the other side of the wing, science-science-science," but what I hear when people try to explain it to me is, "This is so fucking wacky, it might as well be powered by invisible giants who are playing with these airplanes the way my little brother used to play with Matchbox cars." There is no part of how airplanes a) stay in the sky, b) come down without just, like, dropping to the earth like a Warner Bros. coyote who's just gone over the cliff or c) steer (how the shit do people steer airplanes?) that I understand. The science is so far away from how my brain works that it's a spell.