(no subject)
Happy birthday Paul!
Sometimes, I think about him when I feel like crying about "John John"! I'm like, "Girl, this used to be so much easier when you thought about the pervert one!"
Do you think that distance makes you love less someone you used to like? Isn't it possible that the love intensity remains and maybe just goes through a hibernation process during which the loved one will evolve and live and when he comes back again, you love him the same or even more than before?!
Is my heart engraved with the infatuation I felt for the one who doesn't know me?
You know what, I have a secret friend none of my friends knows about, well very often I wish he was here with me, in lovely sunny Paris. He's from San Fransisco.
Paris during springtime is so fresh and beautiful. You can leave work and then go out to meet friends at a terrasse drinking some fresh white wine or rosé. You let the sun carress your skin, and the wind through your skirt, and I tell you this, this is indeed very pleasant to feel the wind between your legs, it gets us all crazy and excited and happy and flirty.
I can totally imagine us walking down the streets and stopping at a random café, and talking and flirting. Oops, maybe I shouldn't be sayting that. The thing is I have been totally single for four years and totally chaste for almost 3 years, except some flirts here and there, but honestly I know I cannot have sex with anyone if I'm not in love and totally obsessed with him. But it is also gettin harder and harder to ignore the help cries my body screams out.
As my housemate Eric often tells me, I need love.
Ok... where was I going with that?! Phil, John John, Paul! Yeah Paul Banks, believe you me, this man is wawawawaw! I mean, everytime I saw or met him, he was always in a different mood, either sleepy, or totally excited , or really really shy, or just indifferent and cold, or absolutely charming and lovely! Well, I fell in love with him more than a year ago, and when I admitted it to my friends, either they laughed at me, or thought I was sad. Only two told me they understood, and they're not even in love with anyone, even now.
It's just that I believe, when you like a man, you like A man. It doesn't matter who he is, what he does. A man is a man, and men have so much to say and express, but sometimes they don't. So they show it in their behaviours, body language, in their eyes.
This is also what I loved about married John John. I know he is married and a father, yet by the look in his eyes, by the way he moves his hands or his body in front of me, by the choice of the words he tells me, I know he DOES like me, even if nothing is possible.
I got cross with one of my friends lately, who told me that she's not going to be sad about me because apparently I like difficult situations with boys. I love being in love with men I can't have! That's the stupidest thing I've heard. I dream to find a boy, who's cute and lovely and who also happens to be single and accessible. The thing is I have to admire a man before falling in love with him. I do admire my father, John John, Paul Banks, my ex bf Alex, Chino Moreno, Phil, David Lynch, Tim Burton, Agent Dale Cooper, Hercule Poirot, George Michael, FitzChivalry, Verity. Small list. I love these guys. The only thing is that most of them are either imaginary or totally inaccessible. I guess I am doomed forever.
So what do I do? I dream. I spend all my time dreaming. And that is what was so sweet about being in love with Paul Banks. I used to constantly daydream about him, and I could almost feel like he was next to me...*** yeah I know***...
The day I got to finally meet and talk to him was like a dream. He was like a dream. So sweet and lovely and always smiling, and ... and....Perfect for the moment.
So today is his birthday, he is 28. I will be 28 in July. He is Taurus, just like my wonderful father (May 10) and John John (May 15)!
Oh, did I tell you? My friend sent me this link: www.wealthymen.com and asked me to subscribe for fun. I did. I got so many replies hahaha...
I told one of the guys who was asking me where I came from, that my father was adopted by rich Swedish people in Albania and that they moved to Ploemeur, West France, and that my father got married to a woman from Reunion and that they founded a company specialised in salt and its derivates.
Then he asked me what I did for a living. I answered I work in a funeral home.
Also, I just finished rereading Bridget Jones, and god, I've been laughing so hard! I first read it when I was at Uni, and I was already laughing, thinking I'm never becoming like this old fat sex-weight-obsessed loser. At my age now though, I get a fresh new perspective and the result is I am seeing myself in her. Thi is the end, the end of my life. I mean, from being my antithetic anti-everything- ic Me, she has now become my soulmate somehow. I mean, I'm almost 28, and I have no boyfriend, and haven't had for aaaaaageezz, no stable job, because idea of commitment is just too hard to swallow for me, not even my own flat, because I am renting a room in a bigger apartment with other flatmates. My parents are getting more and more desperate because I am nearly 28 and I have never introduced them to anyone, I am not married, have no children. I have no money, get drunk everytime I go out, or almost, flirt with many boys at same party, and appears as the bimbo one at the office.
Bridget is lucky though because she gets to fuck her boss! Ok he is divorced, and all in all, a real asshole. But Hugh Grant, for god's sake, she did get him! I mean Hugh Grant and Colin "Darcy" Firth were running behind her, and she is just like me. So why cant, let's say John John and Paul B run after me as well? I know why, one is currently playing golf is Scotland with his friends while good pregnant wifey is watching him with jealous eyes in case a female bird falls into lust for him, and the other one is in NY/ London/ wherever and probably celebrating anything with friends, writing/painting/drinking/smoking under the eyes of the one he chose as sacred queen of his heart, the one I call Obstacle One.
But weren't there all these obstacles, I know for sure that something would have been possible, maybe more with John John than with the other drunk pervert(because not good for image).
Why, why, why??!!! What's wrong with me?!
Maybe I'm just like Sleeping Beauty?! I am asleep, and I have to be woken by some wonderful prince charming, and then I'll wake up being a princess, riding on the most exquisite and gracious white horse, hand in hand with my most charming prince charming...
Sometimes, I think about him when I feel like crying about "John John"! I'm like, "Girl, this used to be so much easier when you thought about the pervert one!"
Do you think that distance makes you love less someone you used to like? Isn't it possible that the love intensity remains and maybe just goes through a hibernation process during which the loved one will evolve and live and when he comes back again, you love him the same or even more than before?!
Is my heart engraved with the infatuation I felt for the one who doesn't know me?
You know what, I have a secret friend none of my friends knows about, well very often I wish he was here with me, in lovely sunny Paris. He's from San Fransisco.
Paris during springtime is so fresh and beautiful. You can leave work and then go out to meet friends at a terrasse drinking some fresh white wine or rosé. You let the sun carress your skin, and the wind through your skirt, and I tell you this, this is indeed very pleasant to feel the wind between your legs, it gets us all crazy and excited and happy and flirty.
I can totally imagine us walking down the streets and stopping at a random café, and talking and flirting. Oops, maybe I shouldn't be sayting that. The thing is I have been totally single for four years and totally chaste for almost 3 years, except some flirts here and there, but honestly I know I cannot have sex with anyone if I'm not in love and totally obsessed with him. But it is also gettin harder and harder to ignore the help cries my body screams out.
As my housemate Eric often tells me, I need love.
Ok... where was I going with that?! Phil, John John, Paul! Yeah Paul Banks, believe you me, this man is wawawawaw! I mean, everytime I saw or met him, he was always in a different mood, either sleepy, or totally excited , or really really shy, or just indifferent and cold, or absolutely charming and lovely! Well, I fell in love with him more than a year ago, and when I admitted it to my friends, either they laughed at me, or thought I was sad. Only two told me they understood, and they're not even in love with anyone, even now.
It's just that I believe, when you like a man, you like A man. It doesn't matter who he is, what he does. A man is a man, and men have so much to say and express, but sometimes they don't. So they show it in their behaviours, body language, in their eyes.
This is also what I loved about married John John. I know he is married and a father, yet by the look in his eyes, by the way he moves his hands or his body in front of me, by the choice of the words he tells me, I know he DOES like me, even if nothing is possible.
I got cross with one of my friends lately, who told me that she's not going to be sad about me because apparently I like difficult situations with boys. I love being in love with men I can't have! That's the stupidest thing I've heard. I dream to find a boy, who's cute and lovely and who also happens to be single and accessible. The thing is I have to admire a man before falling in love with him. I do admire my father, John John, Paul Banks, my ex bf Alex, Chino Moreno, Phil, David Lynch, Tim Burton, Agent Dale Cooper, Hercule Poirot, George Michael, FitzChivalry, Verity. Small list. I love these guys. The only thing is that most of them are either imaginary or totally inaccessible. I guess I am doomed forever.
So what do I do? I dream. I spend all my time dreaming. And that is what was so sweet about being in love with Paul Banks. I used to constantly daydream about him, and I could almost feel like he was next to me...*** yeah I know***...
The day I got to finally meet and talk to him was like a dream. He was like a dream. So sweet and lovely and always smiling, and ... and....Perfect for the moment.
So today is his birthday, he is 28. I will be 28 in July. He is Taurus, just like my wonderful father (May 10) and John John (May 15)!
Oh, did I tell you? My friend sent me this link: www.wealthymen.com and asked me to subscribe for fun. I did. I got so many replies hahaha...
I told one of the guys who was asking me where I came from, that my father was adopted by rich Swedish people in Albania and that they moved to Ploemeur, West France, and that my father got married to a woman from Reunion and that they founded a company specialised in salt and its derivates.
Then he asked me what I did for a living. I answered I work in a funeral home.
Also, I just finished rereading Bridget Jones, and god, I've been laughing so hard! I first read it when I was at Uni, and I was already laughing, thinking I'm never becoming like this old fat sex-weight-obsessed loser. At my age now though, I get a fresh new perspective and the result is I am seeing myself in her. Thi is the end, the end of my life. I mean, from being my antithetic anti-everything- ic Me, she has now become my soulmate somehow. I mean, I'm almost 28, and I have no boyfriend, and haven't had for aaaaaageezz, no stable job, because idea of commitment is just too hard to swallow for me, not even my own flat, because I am renting a room in a bigger apartment with other flatmates. My parents are getting more and more desperate because I am nearly 28 and I have never introduced them to anyone, I am not married, have no children. I have no money, get drunk everytime I go out, or almost, flirt with many boys at same party, and appears as the bimbo one at the office.
Bridget is lucky though because she gets to fuck her boss! Ok he is divorced, and all in all, a real asshole. But Hugh Grant, for god's sake, she did get him! I mean Hugh Grant and Colin "Darcy" Firth were running behind her, and she is just like me. So why cant, let's say John John and Paul B run after me as well? I know why, one is currently playing golf is Scotland with his friends while good pregnant wifey is watching him with jealous eyes in case a female bird falls into lust for him, and the other one is in NY/ London/ wherever and probably celebrating anything with friends, writing/painting/drinking/smoking under the eyes of the one he chose as sacred queen of his heart, the one I call Obstacle One.
But weren't there all these obstacles, I know for sure that something would have been possible, maybe more with John John than with the other drunk pervert(because not good for image).
Why, why, why??!!! What's wrong with me?!
Maybe I'm just like Sleeping Beauty?! I am asleep, and I have to be woken by some wonderful prince charming, and then I'll wake up being a princess, riding on the most exquisite and gracious white horse, hand in hand with my most charming prince charming...