2013 LuRe Yule challenge: Ultimate dreams chapter1
Title: Ultimate dreams, chapter 1
Author: parishs
Rating: pg-nc17
Summary: Noah alert! Luke thinks back at his old life… LUKE’S POV.
Disclaimer: I owe nothing.
A/N1: thanks to the wonderful teddybear9298 for her editing and good ideas! And to tldreamer for all her effort to make this Yule experience a success.
A/N 2: I blame the anarchist in me that I overstep some rules here, I have written 8 chapters and will post one chapter every day. It’s a continuation of the FFF entries from the past weeks, if you haven’t read them, no panic, I’ll post the links below if LJ does what I ask it to (chapter 1-6).
And my angel Teddybear 9298 has told me that you can also read it without reading the other chapters, so if you don’t have much time, just start the journey here.
Thanks Lurettes for reading! Have a good time with the people you love.
Chapter 1: http://parishs.livejournal.com/8674.html
Chapter 2: http://parishs.livejournal.com/9455.html
Chapter 3: http://parishs.livejournal.com/9839.html
Chapter 4: http://parishs.livejournal.com/10119.html
Chapter 5: http://parishs.livejournal.com/10337.html
Chapter 6: http://parishs.livejournal.com/10570.html
Chapter 7: http://parishs.livejournal.com/10960.html
I was watching him work. He had seen me enter the coffee house, I was sure of that, but he did his best to look busy.
We had been together for almost three years, but I still didn’t know him. Boy, was I glad I had left him; that I finally found the courage to tell him I didn’t want to be his boyfriend anymore. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t remember how he smelled.
After our break-up, I avoided coming to Java, afraid to meet his eyes and I don’t know, give in again. He said that he needed his space- that I smothered him with my good intentions.
Maybe I did. I wanted us to work so freaking much; my character forced me to be loyal and committed. My mother, who had adopted Noah, didn’t make it easier for me. She thought that Noah and I would last a lifetime.
Maybe it was her own need to belong that she projected on me. I had been a witness of her on-and-off relationship with my dad and maybe that made me believe that being with someone had to be a struggle.
I closed my eyes and recalled last weekend. Reid came to my little home on Saturday and I had been looking forward to our time together like children look forward to Christmas. Maybe he would stay for two days, I had no idea, he didn’t tell me and it didn’t matter. I was glad that he came to me and understood that he had other obligations. I did too, but they were forgotten the minute I heard his car.
I was nervous, really nervous. I closed my eyes and waited for him to come through the door, but he didn’t. He let me wait til I couldn’t take it anymore. I had felt his gaze on me, through the window, and somehow sensed his doubt. What did he see, when he looked inside?
Did he have second thoughts? He must have or he wouldn’t have walked to his car. Some invisible force pulled me up and made me realize that he was going to leave. I was carried outside just in time to stop him from driving away.
Wrapped up in the antique quilt my grandmother had made decades ago, I shivered. I was naked underneath. I wanted him, had been waiting for him. I needed his devotion and body to ease my heartbeat, o my god, yes, I was possessed.
I didn’t believe in a higher force, or a god, but looking back on our weekend, I started to think that there had to be something; something bigger than men that somehow pushed us in a direction. I had never felt it before, and if I had, I doubt if I would have acted on it. It’s so irrational.
Everything between Reid and me is irrational. I am a conventional guy, I dream of a relationship and kids. I have no idea how to achieve the latter one, but I have this feeling that somehow they will cross my path one day. What if this thing with Reid works out-would he want to raise children? Or will he be gone before we even come to that point?
Somehow thinking about us in the future is hard. I know nothing about him except for the things that matter now. I know he wants to be with me. My happiness is in his hands and he handles it with such great care that it takes my breath away. So different than….
“Hey Luke, what’s up?” I heard a voice say. A voice from the past. A noise that gave me an instant headache. Have I ever dreamed about him the way I dream about Reid? I can’t remember. I open my eyes and look into the blue eyes that I once loved; eyes that don’t evoke any reaction anymore. Is it true, that I am over him? That he can’t make me mad or sad?
“Hey Noah, sorry I spaced out for a moment. Coffee please, extra dark roasted”. I was talking to him the same way I would have talked to any other barista. He was just a guy. We shared a history, but suddenly it wasn’t painful anymore. Reid made it bearable even though he wasn’t around. The way he made me feel wanted meant that I could carry the world if I had to.
His eyes rested on my neck and I felt my cheeks redden. I thought that I had hidden the hickey under my polo, but obviously it was visible. Noah’s eyes searched mine but I didn’t want to show him my happiness. It was none of his business anymore. My soreness and blue-red spots were proof of someone who wanted me for who I was. For my body maybe. For what actually?
“Luke”. Now I had to look at him or things would become awkward. I saw the hurt in his eyes and wondered how I would have felt if the tables were turned. Would I be hurt if he had a new guy?
In all honesty I could say I wouldn’t. It would be a relief if I knew he would be happy again. That would take so much pressure off my shoulders.
“Yes I have a new……a……someone who gives great hickeys”, I babbled. Shit, so not what I wanted to tell him. Reid was so much more than a fling or someone who used my body for his own relief. Reid was famous for his lack of social skills if I read the articles on Google correctly, but with me he was sweet and kind.
No scratch that, he was passionate and provocative. The way he had shown me how sensitive my prostate was an act of love ; he didn’t want to force me to stretch my limits for his own benefit, he wanted me to feel good. And god, I had never felt better. This weekend had been exhausting but it also gave me an adrenaline boost I could fly on for days.
“Where did you meet him?” Noah asked.
I shrugged my shoulders. “Does it matter? It’s kinda private”.
Noah shook his head. “No Luke, it doesn’t matter, I was just curious. I am happy for you”. Although the look in his eyes was troubled, I could see that he really tried to give me a genuine smile. We had always been a bit awkward around each other, and now was no exception. I had no idea how to read him, and frankly I didn’t have time to determine his mood.
Before he could hurt me again with a sneer, I asked if my coffee was almost ready. He turned around to get me my order and I could finally exhale, glad to be freed from his gaze. What did I see in him once? What did I learn from this relationship that I could use in the future?
It was weird that I could look back at my past with Noah with such neutrality. I had to try and be nicer to him in the future because there was no need for me to be irritated by him anymore. It was a habit I had to let go. He was just a guy.
When Noah turned around and gave me my coffee-to-go, I looked at him and smiled.
“Thanks. And how are you? Are you still going to PT? With Richard?” Now he was the one feeling a little uneasy, but that hadn’t been my intention. I really wanted him to find a new guy .
“No, my PT sessions are over, but I see Richard now and then. I am taking it slow though, I need my time”.
That was so Noah. He made the rules, he needed time. Finally I could see how his brain worked.
“Sometimes you just need to jump Noah, and hope someone catches you. You can try and figure things out all you want, but if you don’t want to give it a try, the opportunity is gone before you blink your eyes”.
He looked at me with raised eyebrows. “I can’t believe you said that Luke”, he said. “It’s so out of character. But that is what you did, right? With the hickeyman?”
I nodded. “Yes I did. I saw him and I felt an instant click. And I just let it happen. I did what I needed to do and he let me. It was weird. But we are good”.
Noah gave me my coffee and squeezed my hand. “I am really happy for you Luke, if this is what you want. You look different, happy, marked, I don’t know, you are glowing or something. He must be doing something good”. I nodded and pulled back my hand. “Everything he does feels great”, I said and stood up.
Chapter 2