Life as of late, sleep, and wanting to feel like I matter
Things have not been great lately. To put it bluntly, this week sucked. One of my oldest and best friends died two years ago last Friday (April 12). It was hard to deal with. I felt it hit again, become reality. So often it's a distant concept, without substance. An intangible anomaly. I don't like reality much.
(Disclaimer: Sometimes I go through mental spirals where exhaustion fuels OCD and feelings of depression, connected to life events, elements, and triggers. I work through these thoughts and emotions by writing them out. They are not representative of my true feelings about people or life, as much as they are the worst fears and emotions spurred by events and my tiredness. Kind of pessimistic moments. Despair? I work through these moments. I care for my family, friends, and most cherished tufted-eared cats. Just thought I'd add this, after the moment that brought about the spiral had passed.)
I've been so tired. People will say, "So, what's new? You're always tired!" But that kind of misses the point. If I'm saying I'm tired on top of the usual tired, it means something. ...
The condo complex where I live is badly managed. The HOA handles things terribly, never is organized, and fails to communicate about things from mild to significant. They don't communicate directly with me, as I'm not the owner. That would be my landlord. He texts me about what he's told, sometimes. The water being turned off for the building is so normal anymore it's happening 4-5 times a year, it seems. There's always an emergency leak situation. The builders of this place did shoddy work with subpar materials. So now that's having consequences. At the beginning of the week, I was told not to use water in the kitchen as there was something wrong with the drain downstairs. I could still use the bathroom. I've never been told whether I can use the washing machine, so I've erred on the side of caution there. Who needs to do laundry?
The HOA couldn't figure out what it was going to do about the drain pipe. They recommend a plumber to condo owners, so the woman downstairs called them to get an evaluation, but was suddenly told by the HOA that they don't like that plumbing company anymore. So they negated the whole effort and were going to have a committee meeting to decide what to do. Meanwhile, they'd have their chosen plumbing company come out to evaluate things and perhaps do the work upon approval later in the week.
Then there was another leak in a different unit the day after the first plumber came about the drainpipe, some three days into this. I think that was Thursday. Water was turned off from early that morning to that evening. Then the landlord texted that they'd turn it off first thing Friday morning and have it off all day again. This happens to coincide with the hours I'm actually home from work and would need to use water. Why do that when you can not? Surely you don't want to shower, wash your hands, or anything. Did I mention that my rent went up $125mo this year? So I'm paying more and getting to deal with this fiasco.
The plumbers showed up early Friday, and off the water went. I just had time between when I got home and when they turned it off to take a quick shower. So at least there was that. Then the jackhammering began and would continue throughout the day. It was really cool. I love absurd levels of noise. Doesn't everyone? The drain pipe is beneath the unit directly under mine. So it was very audible. Who needs sleep?
My landlord texted me that evening to ask if I'd heard anything. I had not. If he hadn't, then how did he expect I would have? So I've no idea what's happening today. I'm so tired, just from this mess throughout the week, having sleep delayed and interrupted constantly. I already have trouble enough with sleep.
Speaking of, I just feel so worn down, all of the time. It's beginning to take a toll. My body isn't holding up. I injure myself more. I hurt my back last fall, and it's still not back to normal. Two doctors and a physician's assistant later, and the advice was to "stretch." I stretch every day. I still hurt. I've not had the best of experiences with doctors in my life. So often they've let me down or left me disillusioned. I'd like to trust them, but how can you when you're dismissed and discounted so often? Oh you hurt your back? It's the worst pain you've ever felt, you say? Well, I'll do a quick superficial exam without any real investigation, determine how you're hurt, and recommend you do some stretches. At least the doctor at urgent care prescribed high-dose ibuprofen. Sure it might eat your stomach, but at least the pain was less ... extreme. Then that ran out. I got used to hurting. I just didn't hurt as badly over time. Though, if I moved wrong or didn't stretch enough or was too tired and had no reserves left, I could aggravate the injury. Shouldn't I be completely recovered by now?
It's better than it was at least. If I keep stretching throughout the day, I can mostly function. There are times when it's notable and difficult to force my way to accomplish things. Work can be a challenge, but what can you do?
I've had other health issues I won't bring up. They also impact daily quality of life, a lot. I just don't want to type too much, or overshare.
As for sleep, I've told people before that I start my day feeling more tired than most people likely feel when they go to bed. I don't know if people understand the level of tiredness. "I know what it feels like to be tired." I too know what it feels like to be tired. I used to feel tired if I didn't sleep or if I had a long day. Now, I feel tired after sleeping all night, or day. I don't get rested. My body can't get the mend and repair period. So I pay for that. My brain can't get rest, or REM sleep, so I have terrible memory. It's frustrating and incredibly demoralizing. I think when you have sleep issues, disorders, etc. you experience a different level of tired. It's not being "tired" but being "exhausted." Barely functioning. Except life doesn't accept that. Telling people you're tired doesn't register. I'm literally putting everything I can into maintaining things. I go to work and somehow manage, but I know I'm not performing well, or as well as I should be. I can't think. I can't remember things. I don't retain things I should have picked up after a few months there, and here it's been 2 years.
I could compare it to chronic fatigue, something along those lines. You just don't know what it's like unless you've experienced it. And as people tend to, you get used to it. It's just what is your normal. That doesn't make it normal, or easy. People may take it for granted that you're always tired, that you don't get rest, that you can't sleep even when you are trying, and then kind of move on in the conversation. Expectations are if you are managing, then it must not be too bad. You've always been tired. You make life work. So you can do it. I don't know that I can. I barely am.
They asked us to come in for overtime today. I told them I haven't been getting sleep, and I just don't know if I can manage. I know it comes across as I don't want to be a team player, or put in the extra effort. I used to always go over and above at my jobs. I did that for so many years. It has had consequences on my health. I just look at the long term. How am I doing anymore? I have to put everything I have into just getting through the normal work week. Then I tend to sleep 12 hours a night on my days off. Well, I sleep during the day into the night. I get all out of sync with my sleep schedule. It doesn't help.
Recently, I went through the hoops of healthcare in order to be evaluated for sleep issues. The long, long, very long process over the course of many months finally resulted in a sleep test. The verdict? Similarly to the one I had done years ago. "You have sleep abnormalities. You have apnea events. You stop breathing, often. For up to a minute at a time." Except, unlike last time, they didn't say "You're fine" after telling me all that. Now, evidently I have sleep apnea. How was that not the case before? I had two tests in a year just to be sure when I tried to find out what was going on, I can't even remember how many years ago.
"You average waking up seven times an hour because you stop breathing. You may not become fully conscious, but your sleep is interrupted. This is why you don't feel rested."
So now I'm supposed to see a dentist to get something fitted that will help me breath. I had sinus surgery before to help with this. That was not a great experience. The doctor kept telling me I needed to know I can't have cosmetic surgery covered by insurance. I wanted to breath, you know? That's such a crazy idea. Ever since I broke my nose years ago, I have had trouble breathing through my nose. Allergies were intensified. I got sick far more often. When I got sick, it was far, far worse. And it lasted significantly longer. Something was wrong. Well, he kind of helped, but the structures weren't fully corrected, and I still have noticeable issues. Thousands out of pocket, after insurance, for that outcome. You can see why I'm less than enthused with doctors. They don't truly listen. They don't take things seriously enough. You have to persist and persist. These days, I don't have the energy. I'm tired.
We'll see what happens with the dentist. The nurse who did my sleep evaluation, since they wouldn't assign me a doctor (not that they charged me a discounted fee due to this), said health insurance would cover the expense. The dentist's office said that dentists can't and don't take medical insurance. They can only accept dental insurance, which couldn't be used for this. I'll have to pay out of pocket and get invoiced. Then I an submit it to my health insurance company for evaluation, to see if they'll cover any of it. But they said that rarely happens. Because you know, getting sleep is a luxury and not a health priority. Health care is kind of the opposite. They should call it "we don't care about your health."
Sad to say, this is just the beginning of my thoughts as of late. So much has been going through my mind.
I feel alone a lot of the time. I just want to feel like I matter. I don't know that I come first in anyone's life. That's normal for friends. Maybe family, in ways. My family ... is messed up. My mother, that. She inserts herself into my life, takes hold, removes control of my own daily existence from me. Piece by piece. Is "helping." Always, that's her explanation. But it undermines my confidence over time. Takes agency away from me. She wants to be needed. She feels lost in her own life. So she comes to "visit" and overruns mine. I don't think she means to. It just happens. My patience grows thin, I lose my temper. I feel bad. She doesn't understand how I'd want my own space. I've explained it multiple times. Meanwhile, her slowly embedding herself in my life and putting me above "so she says" her own interests, having no real self interest or motivation, means it's much as when I was a kid. I have less capacity to do for myself. That is taken away from me. I'm made to feel important. Even if it's unhealthy for someone to supplant their own self interest and well being for another. Then, she may say she's doing it for me, but whatever she does, she does because it makes her feel better. Alleviates guilt from the past. She's given a purpose. A direction. Distraction from her own life. Her discontent with her circumstances and where her decisions have brought her. So she puts all her focus on me. It's suffocating. Uncomfortable. Strange.
Then something in life stokes her own self interest. She suddenly has a different direction. Focus shifts. It reminds me much of my childhood. Where she'd pour herself into being a mother and caring when she had nothing else. She needed something. So she fed off being a parent, involved in everything. The ultimate good mom. The moment something came along to fulfill her, though, she'd redirect focus. Energy. Completely abandon her family. Just pursue that self interest, whatever it may be. There became such a cycle of overwhelming "caring" and involvement, only to be followed by disinterest and disengagement. My younger sister and I were brought up this way. It created insecurity and fear. I think much of my inability to sleep now comes from this. The nights spent alone as kids. Figuring out how to go about our daily lives. Get to school. Have lunch. Our older sister was supposed to help with things, but she had her own life, and often we fell through the cracks. She didn't live at home anymore. So we'd just make do with what we had, depending on the day. Things were unstable. Life was not normal. Nothing felt safe.
All we knew to do was to keep going through the motions of life. To carry on as we had when things were more normal, when we had a family. We stuck together as best we could and tried to make school work. We tried to make life continue, even if it didn't feel quite real.
She might come back into our lives again, suddenly dive back in, with interest. Want to derail our independence. Self sufficiency. She'd slowly integrate herself back into our lives. Well, it was more instantaneous, and jarring. She would get upset at our inability to instantly shift back into that reality, with a mother who cared, wanting to do all the things a parent does. Once she managed to convince us we were safe, maybe, and we could trust again, she'd go off as before. Pursue something that fulfilled her. We were no longer needed. For the time being. So it went.
So it feels now. With her here again for 5 months now, after spending more than 7 months last year, she's found another focus. Suddenly she's shifted. She's still in my apartment. Occupying space. But it doesn't feel like I matter much right now. It's not that I need her. Or even want to be needed by her. I shouldn't be surprised. I suppose I'm not. It's more just jarring. The sudden, instantaneous change. The forced insertion into my life, taking over of so many elements, limiting my capacity to "live." For her sake. She always says it's for my sake, but she doesn't do it for me. Whatever she does for me she does for herself. Because she gets something out of it. Fulfillment, in that moment? Penance? Or is it redemption? She wants to believe it's for me. She even convinces herself of that. I'm fairly certain of this.
She hasn't dealt with the death of her husband. She won't get counseling. Or join a grief counseling group of people like her. She just hides. She uses me to hide. Uses my life to distract herself from her own pain and dissatisfaction.
Now, I don't know. The shift to suddenly having something to interest her of her own is weird. It's not because I want to be the center of her life. That's uncomfortable. The actual comfort zone in my life has been so supplanted, by her, I can barely get through days anymore. I feel frustrated and tired. Irritated, exasperated even. I think it's more that she's reminded me of why I can't trust, count on, or depend upon her. The echoes of the past are unsettling. I remember all over how insecure I was made to feel as a kid. How out of sorts life felt. How lonely and frightening. Everything went off track, and nothing ever really got back on track again. Life has been derailed, and I've felt like I've just been surviving ever since. Doing what I have to do to get by. I haven't felt like I'm living life in a long time, though there are moments, when a friend includes me in something and I feel like there's something to life again. Moments. But mostly, I'm waiting for things to feel right again. Like the song, in a sense, perhaps with a different inspiration. "I'm waiting for my real life to begin."
Then there are thoughts lately, of whether I am on the autism spectrum. Every self evaluation or assessment test I take shows there's a strong likelihood. I bring this up to my therapist, along with ADHD, which often can and does coincide with OCD. That's the only thing I've been professionally diagnosed with. She seems hesitant, or unwilling, to try to evaluate me for these things. I'm not sure why. I don't know if I'm getting very far with therapy. It costs so much now. She went up $30 per session this year, which makes it $150 twice per month, and insurance won't cover it.
Anyway...
Is masking always pretending you're okay? Hiding how you really feel? Putting on a show? Trying to respond as you imagine you're supposed to, to be proper, appropriate, considerate? Always just kind of going through the motions of being social even when you don't really feel like it? Feeling drained from the effort? You don't want to be rude. You put on an act at work, with family, friends. Do your best to appear like you think a person is "supposed" to.
Sometimes the mask slips. True emotions come through. Or even angsty ones. Just discontent of life. Or lack of patience. Inability to tolerate much. Or maintain pretense. Being overly tired does this. When pushed to the point of utter exhaustion.
I can't say what that might hint at. Maybe it's just how I am, and I fit no particular diagnosis.
Circling back on my feeling alone. Losing my friend two years ago, having so many old friends fade over time, barely keep in touch, if at all, is a haunting feeling. I feel weary. Lonely. I don't know what I can count on. What will last. Things I put so much of myself into not lasting is unsettling. The feeling of insecurity surfaces. Wraps around me. I want to believe. In something. Someone. Death comes. I understand that. The loss is hard. But equally hard is the loss of friends for reasons I can't understand. Perhaps because my upbringing was so insecure, I held on more tightly to friends over the years. I wanted those friendships to last.
Now, most, I just feel are transitory. I don't feel emotionally invested. That's not the case for all of them of course. A cheetah friend comes to mind. There are others. Some. It's hard. I still don't feel things are quite real. That they'll last. Anymore. Nothing good lasts. Love? I've sought it more than anything in life for longer than I can recall. Even as a cub I imagined it. At 6 I was daydreaming about love. Being in a relationship. Having someone to share life with. It just seemed like something that would happen. It was meant to be part of life. For what was life alone?
My intense lack of comfort or security means I hold on to those I feel close to. In a relationship, I need reassurance. I'm less apt to handle the things I have in the past. To tolerate them. Feel like they are sustainable, or should be allowed for. I want someone to want to talk to me. Engage. Not to shy away from or avoid, evade. To wake and be excited to see what I've said. Since so much of my experience with relationships has been online. It's always been this way. Long distance. But I try to make them work. Each time. I feel less invested sometimes. Less sure, perhaps? Or assured. So many things cause me hesitance. Or is it insecurity? Fear?
I don't feel like I come first. Or that I'm thought of. I might be misinterpreting. Objectively, I probably am. It's hard to tell. I know from experience people often tell you what they think you want to hear, maybe even what they want to believe themselves. But actions speak louder than words. Especially over time, if things continue to occur. I am made to feel insecure. It's a trigger from the past, reverberations. Reminders. "This is how this behavior made you feel before. This is what it meant. Do you think this time is any different? Do you think you can trust words when actions occur that contradict them? Do you believe? Can you? Is it safe to believe? Wise even?" So my mind goes. Filling in the blanks, the silent moments.
I'll lose out on sleep. Worrying. Anxious. I'll stop checking to see if messages have been responded to. Avoid finding out, having confirmation of the apparent lack of interest. Foolishly imagining that must be the case, as it had been in the past. Experience is hard to overcome. I'll avoid everything online for a day or so. Hide. It feels awful. Usually, replying has happened. But that's not always the case.
Isn't checking to see if your SO has messaged you normal? Isn't excitement to see what they've said? Doesn't someone want to read them right away? Reply back if they can, or as soon as they can? Maybe. Maybe some of that motivation is insecurity, from my side of things. But it's not all of it, I don't believe. I think it's mostly that hopeful excitement. I never tire of a relationship. It doesn't get old to me. I don't stop feeling excited or wanting to talk, interact. I don't stop feeling enamored with the person. Happy when spending time with them. I don't stop feeling romantic. I don't lose the spark. It's just not how I work.
Ask me how I know. What my past experience has been. Even after years of being made to feel less important. Unnecessary. Like a nice accessory, when convenient. Even with all the reasons I was given to feel insecure, or discontent, I persisted. Persevered. Maintained hope. If I tried just a bit harder, gave a bit more, sacrificed more, compromised more, compromising myself and my feelings even, allowing myself to be talked into accepting my feelings were misguided or wrong, never warranted; I believed we could make things work. Eventually, he'd care as much, want it as much, want us as much. Commit. Pursue a future. A life. Stop letting me down. Hurting me. Taking away my hope and confidence. Dreams. Day by day I kept believing.
Now, I'm not sure what I believe in.
I want to believe in someone. To feel the way I used to. So sure. So committed. Invested to the point where it was unthinkable that things wouldn't work. I'm getting there. Maybe that's what scares me. Feeling too much. Not even understanding the feelings. And yet. It's just ... each time I'm made to feel words and actions don't mesh, what is said is not reflected in what is done, and I'm reminded of what I went through in the past, I lose a little of that feeling of hope. It's one step forward, two steps back. I've made progress. I trust more now. Believe. I just don't know if I can fully believe. Maybe I hope that I can. I want to.
And that brings us back to autism. Or is it OCD? When a person's actions don't match their words, when what is said is not what is done, it feels contrary to everything that makes sense. I have a very rigid sense of things in life. You follow through on what you say. If you say something, you mean it. If you mean it, you do it. You make life show your words as reality. Make good.
I don't think it's lack of intention. Maybe something else gets in the way. Others have their own mental situations to work through. Processes. Each of us is unique. We work differently. I try to remind myself of that. It's not lack of want, but something fails somewhere between intention and follow through. There's not the level of devotion to the outcome as I'm to want, to hope for. That's probably assumed again, driven by fear. Doubt. Yet it feels like I'm let down when a certain follow through doesn't happen. Or I'm left to second guess feelings. Do I really mean something? Do I matter? Do I need this person more than they need me? Do they need me at all? Do they wanted to communicate? Are they avoiding? Why do I fear that they are? Are they if they haven't replied? If they haven't followed through. Past fears, always surfacing. They haunt.
I need to learn to be fair, I think. To be better. But also not to compromise myself. As I did before. I don't want to go down that path. I want to have reason to believe. I want to learn to believe completely again. A little cat deserves that. I think they mean for me to. I hope there's enough patience, on both our parts. To learn and grow. And for me to heal.
I’m thinking out loud. Too much harks back to what happened before. I draw connections. Imagine reasons. I need to talk to them more. To worry less. They're younger than I. And have no such insecurity or baggage as I have. More independence. There’s not the same draw for them to always reply. Keep up with. Know what’s going on. Share. Perhaps that will come in time. Perhaps it will even bring balance, where I need a little less, rely less, while they do more? Or interest is more evident. I know it’s there.
Balance. I think that in part means I need to learn to be more self assured. Secure. Confident. Feel comfortable in a relationship.
The feeling of comfort and security I get when I know I fit into someone’s life, that they want me to. That they seek me out. I am part of their life. Not tertiary or peripheral, but at the center. Not “the” center. Two stars orbiting one another. The solar systems of our separate lives still exist, but we are at the core. We hold each other together. Or hold each other in our pull, most significant, at least according to physics, in the realm of gravity. Gravity of care. Life.
These are my musings. Tired, tired musings. I think I talk in circles, spiraling.
(Disclaimer: Sometimes I go through mental spirals where exhaustion fuels OCD and feelings of depression, connected to life events, elements, and triggers. I work through these thoughts and emotions by writing them out. They are not representative of my true feelings about people or life, as much as they are the worst fears and emotions spurred by events and my tiredness. Kind of pessimistic moments. Despair? I work through these moments. I care for my family, friends, and most cherished tufted-eared cats. Just thought I'd add this, after the moment that brought about the spiral had passed.)
I've been so tired. People will say, "So, what's new? You're always tired!" But that kind of misses the point. If I'm saying I'm tired on top of the usual tired, it means something. ...
The condo complex where I live is badly managed. The HOA handles things terribly, never is organized, and fails to communicate about things from mild to significant. They don't communicate directly with me, as I'm not the owner. That would be my landlord. He texts me about what he's told, sometimes. The water being turned off for the building is so normal anymore it's happening 4-5 times a year, it seems. There's always an emergency leak situation. The builders of this place did shoddy work with subpar materials. So now that's having consequences. At the beginning of the week, I was told not to use water in the kitchen as there was something wrong with the drain downstairs. I could still use the bathroom. I've never been told whether I can use the washing machine, so I've erred on the side of caution there. Who needs to do laundry?
The HOA couldn't figure out what it was going to do about the drain pipe. They recommend a plumber to condo owners, so the woman downstairs called them to get an evaluation, but was suddenly told by the HOA that they don't like that plumbing company anymore. So they negated the whole effort and were going to have a committee meeting to decide what to do. Meanwhile, they'd have their chosen plumbing company come out to evaluate things and perhaps do the work upon approval later in the week.
Then there was another leak in a different unit the day after the first plumber came about the drainpipe, some three days into this. I think that was Thursday. Water was turned off from early that morning to that evening. Then the landlord texted that they'd turn it off first thing Friday morning and have it off all day again. This happens to coincide with the hours I'm actually home from work and would need to use water. Why do that when you can not? Surely you don't want to shower, wash your hands, or anything. Did I mention that my rent went up $125mo this year? So I'm paying more and getting to deal with this fiasco.
The plumbers showed up early Friday, and off the water went. I just had time between when I got home and when they turned it off to take a quick shower. So at least there was that. Then the jackhammering began and would continue throughout the day. It was really cool. I love absurd levels of noise. Doesn't everyone? The drain pipe is beneath the unit directly under mine. So it was very audible. Who needs sleep?
My landlord texted me that evening to ask if I'd heard anything. I had not. If he hadn't, then how did he expect I would have? So I've no idea what's happening today. I'm so tired, just from this mess throughout the week, having sleep delayed and interrupted constantly. I already have trouble enough with sleep.
Speaking of, I just feel so worn down, all of the time. It's beginning to take a toll. My body isn't holding up. I injure myself more. I hurt my back last fall, and it's still not back to normal. Two doctors and a physician's assistant later, and the advice was to "stretch." I stretch every day. I still hurt. I've not had the best of experiences with doctors in my life. So often they've let me down or left me disillusioned. I'd like to trust them, but how can you when you're dismissed and discounted so often? Oh you hurt your back? It's the worst pain you've ever felt, you say? Well, I'll do a quick superficial exam without any real investigation, determine how you're hurt, and recommend you do some stretches. At least the doctor at urgent care prescribed high-dose ibuprofen. Sure it might eat your stomach, but at least the pain was less ... extreme. Then that ran out. I got used to hurting. I just didn't hurt as badly over time. Though, if I moved wrong or didn't stretch enough or was too tired and had no reserves left, I could aggravate the injury. Shouldn't I be completely recovered by now?
It's better than it was at least. If I keep stretching throughout the day, I can mostly function. There are times when it's notable and difficult to force my way to accomplish things. Work can be a challenge, but what can you do?
I've had other health issues I won't bring up. They also impact daily quality of life, a lot. I just don't want to type too much, or overshare.
As for sleep, I've told people before that I start my day feeling more tired than most people likely feel when they go to bed. I don't know if people understand the level of tiredness. "I know what it feels like to be tired." I too know what it feels like to be tired. I used to feel tired if I didn't sleep or if I had a long day. Now, I feel tired after sleeping all night, or day. I don't get rested. My body can't get the mend and repair period. So I pay for that. My brain can't get rest, or REM sleep, so I have terrible memory. It's frustrating and incredibly demoralizing. I think when you have sleep issues, disorders, etc. you experience a different level of tired. It's not being "tired" but being "exhausted." Barely functioning. Except life doesn't accept that. Telling people you're tired doesn't register. I'm literally putting everything I can into maintaining things. I go to work and somehow manage, but I know I'm not performing well, or as well as I should be. I can't think. I can't remember things. I don't retain things I should have picked up after a few months there, and here it's been 2 years.
I could compare it to chronic fatigue, something along those lines. You just don't know what it's like unless you've experienced it. And as people tend to, you get used to it. It's just what is your normal. That doesn't make it normal, or easy. People may take it for granted that you're always tired, that you don't get rest, that you can't sleep even when you are trying, and then kind of move on in the conversation. Expectations are if you are managing, then it must not be too bad. You've always been tired. You make life work. So you can do it. I don't know that I can. I barely am.
They asked us to come in for overtime today. I told them I haven't been getting sleep, and I just don't know if I can manage. I know it comes across as I don't want to be a team player, or put in the extra effort. I used to always go over and above at my jobs. I did that for so many years. It has had consequences on my health. I just look at the long term. How am I doing anymore? I have to put everything I have into just getting through the normal work week. Then I tend to sleep 12 hours a night on my days off. Well, I sleep during the day into the night. I get all out of sync with my sleep schedule. It doesn't help.
Recently, I went through the hoops of healthcare in order to be evaluated for sleep issues. The long, long, very long process over the course of many months finally resulted in a sleep test. The verdict? Similarly to the one I had done years ago. "You have sleep abnormalities. You have apnea events. You stop breathing, often. For up to a minute at a time." Except, unlike last time, they didn't say "You're fine" after telling me all that. Now, evidently I have sleep apnea. How was that not the case before? I had two tests in a year just to be sure when I tried to find out what was going on, I can't even remember how many years ago.
"You average waking up seven times an hour because you stop breathing. You may not become fully conscious, but your sleep is interrupted. This is why you don't feel rested."
So now I'm supposed to see a dentist to get something fitted that will help me breath. I had sinus surgery before to help with this. That was not a great experience. The doctor kept telling me I needed to know I can't have cosmetic surgery covered by insurance. I wanted to breath, you know? That's such a crazy idea. Ever since I broke my nose years ago, I have had trouble breathing through my nose. Allergies were intensified. I got sick far more often. When I got sick, it was far, far worse. And it lasted significantly longer. Something was wrong. Well, he kind of helped, but the structures weren't fully corrected, and I still have noticeable issues. Thousands out of pocket, after insurance, for that outcome. You can see why I'm less than enthused with doctors. They don't truly listen. They don't take things seriously enough. You have to persist and persist. These days, I don't have the energy. I'm tired.
We'll see what happens with the dentist. The nurse who did my sleep evaluation, since they wouldn't assign me a doctor (not that they charged me a discounted fee due to this), said health insurance would cover the expense. The dentist's office said that dentists can't and don't take medical insurance. They can only accept dental insurance, which couldn't be used for this. I'll have to pay out of pocket and get invoiced. Then I an submit it to my health insurance company for evaluation, to see if they'll cover any of it. But they said that rarely happens. Because you know, getting sleep is a luxury and not a health priority. Health care is kind of the opposite. They should call it "we don't care about your health."
Sad to say, this is just the beginning of my thoughts as of late. So much has been going through my mind.
I feel alone a lot of the time. I just want to feel like I matter. I don't know that I come first in anyone's life. That's normal for friends. Maybe family, in ways. My family ... is messed up. My mother, that. She inserts herself into my life, takes hold, removes control of my own daily existence from me. Piece by piece. Is "helping." Always, that's her explanation. But it undermines my confidence over time. Takes agency away from me. She wants to be needed. She feels lost in her own life. So she comes to "visit" and overruns mine. I don't think she means to. It just happens. My patience grows thin, I lose my temper. I feel bad. She doesn't understand how I'd want my own space. I've explained it multiple times. Meanwhile, her slowly embedding herself in my life and putting me above "so she says" her own interests, having no real self interest or motivation, means it's much as when I was a kid. I have less capacity to do for myself. That is taken away from me. I'm made to feel important. Even if it's unhealthy for someone to supplant their own self interest and well being for another. Then, she may say she's doing it for me, but whatever she does, she does because it makes her feel better. Alleviates guilt from the past. She's given a purpose. A direction. Distraction from her own life. Her discontent with her circumstances and where her decisions have brought her. So she puts all her focus on me. It's suffocating. Uncomfortable. Strange.
Then something in life stokes her own self interest. She suddenly has a different direction. Focus shifts. It reminds me much of my childhood. Where she'd pour herself into being a mother and caring when she had nothing else. She needed something. So she fed off being a parent, involved in everything. The ultimate good mom. The moment something came along to fulfill her, though, she'd redirect focus. Energy. Completely abandon her family. Just pursue that self interest, whatever it may be. There became such a cycle of overwhelming "caring" and involvement, only to be followed by disinterest and disengagement. My younger sister and I were brought up this way. It created insecurity and fear. I think much of my inability to sleep now comes from this. The nights spent alone as kids. Figuring out how to go about our daily lives. Get to school. Have lunch. Our older sister was supposed to help with things, but she had her own life, and often we fell through the cracks. She didn't live at home anymore. So we'd just make do with what we had, depending on the day. Things were unstable. Life was not normal. Nothing felt safe.
All we knew to do was to keep going through the motions of life. To carry on as we had when things were more normal, when we had a family. We stuck together as best we could and tried to make school work. We tried to make life continue, even if it didn't feel quite real.
She might come back into our lives again, suddenly dive back in, with interest. Want to derail our independence. Self sufficiency. She'd slowly integrate herself back into our lives. Well, it was more instantaneous, and jarring. She would get upset at our inability to instantly shift back into that reality, with a mother who cared, wanting to do all the things a parent does. Once she managed to convince us we were safe, maybe, and we could trust again, she'd go off as before. Pursue something that fulfilled her. We were no longer needed. For the time being. So it went.
So it feels now. With her here again for 5 months now, after spending more than 7 months last year, she's found another focus. Suddenly she's shifted. She's still in my apartment. Occupying space. But it doesn't feel like I matter much right now. It's not that I need her. Or even want to be needed by her. I shouldn't be surprised. I suppose I'm not. It's more just jarring. The sudden, instantaneous change. The forced insertion into my life, taking over of so many elements, limiting my capacity to "live." For her sake. She always says it's for my sake, but she doesn't do it for me. Whatever she does for me she does for herself. Because she gets something out of it. Fulfillment, in that moment? Penance? Or is it redemption? She wants to believe it's for me. She even convinces herself of that. I'm fairly certain of this.
She hasn't dealt with the death of her husband. She won't get counseling. Or join a grief counseling group of people like her. She just hides. She uses me to hide. Uses my life to distract herself from her own pain and dissatisfaction.
Now, I don't know. The shift to suddenly having something to interest her of her own is weird. It's not because I want to be the center of her life. That's uncomfortable. The actual comfort zone in my life has been so supplanted, by her, I can barely get through days anymore. I feel frustrated and tired. Irritated, exasperated even. I think it's more that she's reminded me of why I can't trust, count on, or depend upon her. The echoes of the past are unsettling. I remember all over how insecure I was made to feel as a kid. How out of sorts life felt. How lonely and frightening. Everything went off track, and nothing ever really got back on track again. Life has been derailed, and I've felt like I've just been surviving ever since. Doing what I have to do to get by. I haven't felt like I'm living life in a long time, though there are moments, when a friend includes me in something and I feel like there's something to life again. Moments. But mostly, I'm waiting for things to feel right again. Like the song, in a sense, perhaps with a different inspiration. "I'm waiting for my real life to begin."
Then there are thoughts lately, of whether I am on the autism spectrum. Every self evaluation or assessment test I take shows there's a strong likelihood. I bring this up to my therapist, along with ADHD, which often can and does coincide with OCD. That's the only thing I've been professionally diagnosed with. She seems hesitant, or unwilling, to try to evaluate me for these things. I'm not sure why. I don't know if I'm getting very far with therapy. It costs so much now. She went up $30 per session this year, which makes it $150 twice per month, and insurance won't cover it.
Anyway...
Is masking always pretending you're okay? Hiding how you really feel? Putting on a show? Trying to respond as you imagine you're supposed to, to be proper, appropriate, considerate? Always just kind of going through the motions of being social even when you don't really feel like it? Feeling drained from the effort? You don't want to be rude. You put on an act at work, with family, friends. Do your best to appear like you think a person is "supposed" to.
Sometimes the mask slips. True emotions come through. Or even angsty ones. Just discontent of life. Or lack of patience. Inability to tolerate much. Or maintain pretense. Being overly tired does this. When pushed to the point of utter exhaustion.
I can't say what that might hint at. Maybe it's just how I am, and I fit no particular diagnosis.
Circling back on my feeling alone. Losing my friend two years ago, having so many old friends fade over time, barely keep in touch, if at all, is a haunting feeling. I feel weary. Lonely. I don't know what I can count on. What will last. Things I put so much of myself into not lasting is unsettling. The feeling of insecurity surfaces. Wraps around me. I want to believe. In something. Someone. Death comes. I understand that. The loss is hard. But equally hard is the loss of friends for reasons I can't understand. Perhaps because my upbringing was so insecure, I held on more tightly to friends over the years. I wanted those friendships to last.
Now, most, I just feel are transitory. I don't feel emotionally invested. That's not the case for all of them of course. A cheetah friend comes to mind. There are others. Some. It's hard. I still don't feel things are quite real. That they'll last. Anymore. Nothing good lasts. Love? I've sought it more than anything in life for longer than I can recall. Even as a cub I imagined it. At 6 I was daydreaming about love. Being in a relationship. Having someone to share life with. It just seemed like something that would happen. It was meant to be part of life. For what was life alone?
My intense lack of comfort or security means I hold on to those I feel close to. In a relationship, I need reassurance. I'm less apt to handle the things I have in the past. To tolerate them. Feel like they are sustainable, or should be allowed for. I want someone to want to talk to me. Engage. Not to shy away from or avoid, evade. To wake and be excited to see what I've said. Since so much of my experience with relationships has been online. It's always been this way. Long distance. But I try to make them work. Each time. I feel less invested sometimes. Less sure, perhaps? Or assured. So many things cause me hesitance. Or is it insecurity? Fear?
I don't feel like I come first. Or that I'm thought of. I might be misinterpreting. Objectively, I probably am. It's hard to tell. I know from experience people often tell you what they think you want to hear, maybe even what they want to believe themselves. But actions speak louder than words. Especially over time, if things continue to occur. I am made to feel insecure. It's a trigger from the past, reverberations. Reminders. "This is how this behavior made you feel before. This is what it meant. Do you think this time is any different? Do you think you can trust words when actions occur that contradict them? Do you believe? Can you? Is it safe to believe? Wise even?" So my mind goes. Filling in the blanks, the silent moments.
I'll lose out on sleep. Worrying. Anxious. I'll stop checking to see if messages have been responded to. Avoid finding out, having confirmation of the apparent lack of interest. Foolishly imagining that must be the case, as it had been in the past. Experience is hard to overcome. I'll avoid everything online for a day or so. Hide. It feels awful. Usually, replying has happened. But that's not always the case.
Isn't checking to see if your SO has messaged you normal? Isn't excitement to see what they've said? Doesn't someone want to read them right away? Reply back if they can, or as soon as they can? Maybe. Maybe some of that motivation is insecurity, from my side of things. But it's not all of it, I don't believe. I think it's mostly that hopeful excitement. I never tire of a relationship. It doesn't get old to me. I don't stop feeling excited or wanting to talk, interact. I don't stop feeling enamored with the person. Happy when spending time with them. I don't stop feeling romantic. I don't lose the spark. It's just not how I work.
Ask me how I know. What my past experience has been. Even after years of being made to feel less important. Unnecessary. Like a nice accessory, when convenient. Even with all the reasons I was given to feel insecure, or discontent, I persisted. Persevered. Maintained hope. If I tried just a bit harder, gave a bit more, sacrificed more, compromised more, compromising myself and my feelings even, allowing myself to be talked into accepting my feelings were misguided or wrong, never warranted; I believed we could make things work. Eventually, he'd care as much, want it as much, want us as much. Commit. Pursue a future. A life. Stop letting me down. Hurting me. Taking away my hope and confidence. Dreams. Day by day I kept believing.
Now, I'm not sure what I believe in.
I want to believe in someone. To feel the way I used to. So sure. So committed. Invested to the point where it was unthinkable that things wouldn't work. I'm getting there. Maybe that's what scares me. Feeling too much. Not even understanding the feelings. And yet. It's just ... each time I'm made to feel words and actions don't mesh, what is said is not reflected in what is done, and I'm reminded of what I went through in the past, I lose a little of that feeling of hope. It's one step forward, two steps back. I've made progress. I trust more now. Believe. I just don't know if I can fully believe. Maybe I hope that I can. I want to.
And that brings us back to autism. Or is it OCD? When a person's actions don't match their words, when what is said is not what is done, it feels contrary to everything that makes sense. I have a very rigid sense of things in life. You follow through on what you say. If you say something, you mean it. If you mean it, you do it. You make life show your words as reality. Make good.
I don't think it's lack of intention. Maybe something else gets in the way. Others have their own mental situations to work through. Processes. Each of us is unique. We work differently. I try to remind myself of that. It's not lack of want, but something fails somewhere between intention and follow through. There's not the level of devotion to the outcome as I'm to want, to hope for. That's probably assumed again, driven by fear. Doubt. Yet it feels like I'm let down when a certain follow through doesn't happen. Or I'm left to second guess feelings. Do I really mean something? Do I matter? Do I need this person more than they need me? Do they need me at all? Do they wanted to communicate? Are they avoiding? Why do I fear that they are? Are they if they haven't replied? If they haven't followed through. Past fears, always surfacing. They haunt.
I need to learn to be fair, I think. To be better. But also not to compromise myself. As I did before. I don't want to go down that path. I want to have reason to believe. I want to learn to believe completely again. A little cat deserves that. I think they mean for me to. I hope there's enough patience, on both our parts. To learn and grow. And for me to heal.
I’m thinking out loud. Too much harks back to what happened before. I draw connections. Imagine reasons. I need to talk to them more. To worry less. They're younger than I. And have no such insecurity or baggage as I have. More independence. There’s not the same draw for them to always reply. Keep up with. Know what’s going on. Share. Perhaps that will come in time. Perhaps it will even bring balance, where I need a little less, rely less, while they do more? Or interest is more evident. I know it’s there.
Balance. I think that in part means I need to learn to be more self assured. Secure. Confident. Feel comfortable in a relationship.
The feeling of comfort and security I get when I know I fit into someone’s life, that they want me to. That they seek me out. I am part of their life. Not tertiary or peripheral, but at the center. Not “the” center. Two stars orbiting one another. The solar systems of our separate lives still exist, but we are at the core. We hold each other together. Or hold each other in our pull, most significant, at least according to physics, in the realm of gravity. Gravity of care. Life.
These are my musings. Tired, tired musings. I think I talk in circles, spiraling.