I'm not doing well
I've never felt so low. I'm trying to hold on to things that are positive. It's just so hard. I feel sadness. Like drowning. The abyss is within me. Where I felt happiness before. I can barely breath. Life is unstable. I thought I'd have found a job by now. I'm worried how that's going. What's going to happen with the holidays here? Family dynamics make things difficult as well. Who would I visit? Is it worth it? So many people on the brink of death it seems, with my father and stepfather, with respective conditions. I feel like I have little to grasp hold of. To believe in.
My chee friend is kind, supportive, but I lean on him so much. I don't want to overwhelm. I'm trying to be a good friend, but I fear I'm more a weight lately.
Is that what Ash was afraid of? He said he felt like a weight on me. But he never was. I felt so content just holding him, lifting him up. I couldn't believe he would think he was a weight when he was like light. He gave me strength. Energy. Hope. I believed. For the first time in so long, I truly believed. I even dreamed.
I still have dreams of him. Simple things. Usually trying to find him. But recently, I dreamed I was simply holding him. Petting his hair as one does. Soothing, trying to reassure him. He's no idea how lovely he is to me. Like an angel. I can't see flaws in him. Not that he sees. I just see the light. I wanted to love him forever. No matter how much I hurt, the love keeps overflowing. It's impossible to imagine life without him. It seems so empty.
With so many facets of my life going wrong, I feel like there's no ground to stand on. I'm in quicksand, sinking. I'm drowning in the sea. I'm in space without air to breath. There's only emptiness for me...
Benadryl didn't work. Perhaps I didn't try enough. I wonder. Sleep is so hard, yet it's the only way I can escape the pain. Mostly. Unless I dream.
My chee friend is kind, supportive, but I lean on him so much. I don't want to overwhelm. I'm trying to be a good friend, but I fear I'm more a weight lately.
Is that what Ash was afraid of? He said he felt like a weight on me. But he never was. I felt so content just holding him, lifting him up. I couldn't believe he would think he was a weight when he was like light. He gave me strength. Energy. Hope. I believed. For the first time in so long, I truly believed. I even dreamed.
I still have dreams of him. Simple things. Usually trying to find him. But recently, I dreamed I was simply holding him. Petting his hair as one does. Soothing, trying to reassure him. He's no idea how lovely he is to me. Like an angel. I can't see flaws in him. Not that he sees. I just see the light. I wanted to love him forever. No matter how much I hurt, the love keeps overflowing. It's impossible to imagine life without him. It seems so empty.
With so many facets of my life going wrong, I feel like there's no ground to stand on. I'm in quicksand, sinking. I'm drowning in the sea. I'm in space without air to breath. There's only emptiness for me...
Benadryl didn't work. Perhaps I didn't try enough. I wonder. Sleep is so hard, yet it's the only way I can escape the pain. Mostly. Unless I dream.