Sadness mingled with hope
Things have not been going well...
I don't know if I've ever felt so sad. Too much is going wrong at once. My stepfather's cancer has been worsening. The team of doctors that treat cancer at the hospital he's been going to tried a new regiment of chemo treatment, but it was too harsh, and he had a UTI that complicated matters. So he was in the hospital for a week to recover enough in order to go home. There he spent weeks recuperating so he could begin another type of chemo treatment. This is done less often, and his doctors hope it will not impact him as badly. It began a few weeks ago, and he's not doing great, but he's enduring. He had to get multiple blood transfusions this past week as well as platelets.
My mother is using me as her support system. I hate to wish for it, but I do wish she had some other people to rely on. I'm feeling so weak myself. I can barely manage. Things are so hard on her though, things have gone wrong in her life, and now this seems to be weathering her to the point of breaking. Her husband hardly eats, doesn't feel hungry, and is depressed. He mostly sleeps. Their income is low due to him not being able to run his business, which is practically at a standstill. I don't know how long they'll be able to keep things going as they are. I am concerned, but I can't do much myself.
Long ago my mother and stepfather took advantage of my own finances to aid a previous business they had. It's taken me most of my adult life to try to overcome what debts I was left with. I'm currently unemployed thanks to being laid off in July, and no matter how many things I apply to, I'm not getting anywhere it feels like. I just don't know how much hope I have left. I'm trying. I just don't know what to do. I feel like every direction I look has such risks. After taking the job that got me where I am now, I'm not sure if I have PTSD. Can you have that in life, over life choices, where things just go wrong and then more wrong? I can't seem to act. Everything seems like a bad choice. So I barely manage daily life, sitting still. I'm applying to jobs. I just don't feel hopeful about any of them. All directions seem like a dangerous path.
I don't want to live in a city. They feel stifling to me. Suffocating. I live in a "city" compared to what I'm used to. It's just miserable somehow. Maybe I never wanted to be here and that affects how I feel? Moving to a bigger city for a job though, not being able to live in the mountains like I've always wanted, seems like surrender. Like there will be nothing beyond it. I'm not a kid anymore. I wish I were. My family pretty much ruined that time in my life, making it so I had to sacrifice a lot just to get started on my own. I'm probably not as far along as many people half my age. I worry that taking a job and moving someplace I don't know I want to be would be trapping me, a long-term reality I wouldn't ever get past. I feel much less hope for the future now than when I moved for the job where I currently live. Back then, I just knew it was going to be temporary. Then five years passed. Some experiences in life damage us. I wonder how much damage I've taken.
Last, I don't want to say too much on this final subject. It's the most impactful. You wouldn't think something could be more impactful than what I've already spoken about. Integral to my happiness though is love. I've been like this for as long as I can remember. I was the kid who dreamed of romance. How many six-year-old boys are like that? I always wanted to love someone. I knew I'd have a better relationship than my parents. The messes I saw. I would somehow. It's all I really wanted. More than living in the mountains or any type of career. I wanted love.
People tell me this is wrong, that there's more to life. I don't feel it. I don't understand. Everything is so transitory. Love is about having someone to spend your life with. Through the good times and the bad. To always be there and rely on. To coexist. To feel comfortable with. To be yourself with. To find security. To have someone you always feel safe with like that. It's my dream.
I fell in love this year. It's the fourth time in my life I've loved someone. I guess it was unexpected. We just meshed. I've never had that before. I've never met someone with whom I could just feel comfortable with from the beginning. We melted together. Or melted one another. Like snow. It was so easy to love him. To feel safe and happy. Wanted. Appreciated. From the moment we started talking, friendship was forged. Then we just became more. There were no real words to state this. We just were. I resisted saying too much early on, afraid to express love after what I've been through. I wish I'd been less afraid. The word means too much to me though. If I was going to say it, I was going to mean it, and I committed to never cause him harm. He found security with me. Felt safe. I would not jeopardize that. I swore to myself I would not betray his heart. I'd show care in everything. I think I did this. I tried my best. I've never done anything negative or hurtful that I can think of. I've always wanted to be the kind of person who wouldn't hurt the one they loved. It might be impossible to fulfill that promise, but it's something I wanted to aspire to.
Now he's fallen silent. Vanished. Without warning. I'm worried. I can only hope he's alright and will eventually open himself back up to me. He's virtually gone right now. I have to hold faith that patience and love will see me through, and see him through. He knows I love him and will be here waiting for him to come out the other side of this dark time. You never want to feel powerless to help someone you care about. With the distance often involved with such relationships thus is the reality. If someone withdraws, you can do little to be there for them. Even if you know they could probably use your presence. Even if just to give them a hug and "be" there.
I guess that wasn't last. ... Everything has impacted my health. Since moving here, I've lost 20 lbs. or more, what seems to be muscle. I have no stamina. Many days I have no will to eat. I'll go 14-20 hours without eating at times. Then I have to force myself to eat something. Nothing seems appealing. I just don't care. I was already feeling sad, down and worried over everything. This latest thing though, it's hit harder than everything else combined. I don't know how to describe it. Whatever hope or optimism I had left is gone. But, somehow I keep hold of hope that things will work out. I can't believe the one I love would hurt me on purpose. I believe in him. I have to believe he's going to open back up. Even if it's dreaming at this point. I dreamed of him, and he was real.
I should probably see a therapist. I should probably see a doctor. I feel so tired and weak. I've wondered for a few years if something is physically wrong. Perhaps feeling this tired and run down isn't normal, or explainable by what's happening in my life. I can't bring myself to do anything though. I don't want to die, but I don't really want to live right now either. It's not like I'm living anyhow. I'm just existing, going through the motions as I try to keep things from getting worse. Yet they inevitably do. I was trying so hard. I was exploring photography. I thought I'd get a gallery of some kind up, sharing more than just animal photos sporadically here on FA. Now, I don't feel any drive to. I don't feel much hope. I know it's not healthy to depend upon one person, for them to be integral to your happiness. I just don't know how to be otherwise. It's how I am. How I've always been. When I love someone, stability with them is necessary for me to face life. Otherwise, nothing seems worthwhile.
I've said too much. I told myself I wouldn't. I'll probably come back and edit this later.
To get sleep I take melatonin. Sometimes Benadryl. It's so hard to get real sleep. I just want to lie down and not be awake, so I don't have to feel. It doesn't help that dark thoughts sometimes occur. But as much as I feel miserable right now, I fear such an outcome more. So I go on.
I don't know if I've ever felt so sad. Too much is going wrong at once. My stepfather's cancer has been worsening. The team of doctors that treat cancer at the hospital he's been going to tried a new regiment of chemo treatment, but it was too harsh, and he had a UTI that complicated matters. So he was in the hospital for a week to recover enough in order to go home. There he spent weeks recuperating so he could begin another type of chemo treatment. This is done less often, and his doctors hope it will not impact him as badly. It began a few weeks ago, and he's not doing great, but he's enduring. He had to get multiple blood transfusions this past week as well as platelets.
My mother is using me as her support system. I hate to wish for it, but I do wish she had some other people to rely on. I'm feeling so weak myself. I can barely manage. Things are so hard on her though, things have gone wrong in her life, and now this seems to be weathering her to the point of breaking. Her husband hardly eats, doesn't feel hungry, and is depressed. He mostly sleeps. Their income is low due to him not being able to run his business, which is practically at a standstill. I don't know how long they'll be able to keep things going as they are. I am concerned, but I can't do much myself.
Long ago my mother and stepfather took advantage of my own finances to aid a previous business they had. It's taken me most of my adult life to try to overcome what debts I was left with. I'm currently unemployed thanks to being laid off in July, and no matter how many things I apply to, I'm not getting anywhere it feels like. I just don't know how much hope I have left. I'm trying. I just don't know what to do. I feel like every direction I look has such risks. After taking the job that got me where I am now, I'm not sure if I have PTSD. Can you have that in life, over life choices, where things just go wrong and then more wrong? I can't seem to act. Everything seems like a bad choice. So I barely manage daily life, sitting still. I'm applying to jobs. I just don't feel hopeful about any of them. All directions seem like a dangerous path.
I don't want to live in a city. They feel stifling to me. Suffocating. I live in a "city" compared to what I'm used to. It's just miserable somehow. Maybe I never wanted to be here and that affects how I feel? Moving to a bigger city for a job though, not being able to live in the mountains like I've always wanted, seems like surrender. Like there will be nothing beyond it. I'm not a kid anymore. I wish I were. My family pretty much ruined that time in my life, making it so I had to sacrifice a lot just to get started on my own. I'm probably not as far along as many people half my age. I worry that taking a job and moving someplace I don't know I want to be would be trapping me, a long-term reality I wouldn't ever get past. I feel much less hope for the future now than when I moved for the job where I currently live. Back then, I just knew it was going to be temporary. Then five years passed. Some experiences in life damage us. I wonder how much damage I've taken.
Last, I don't want to say too much on this final subject. It's the most impactful. You wouldn't think something could be more impactful than what I've already spoken about. Integral to my happiness though is love. I've been like this for as long as I can remember. I was the kid who dreamed of romance. How many six-year-old boys are like that? I always wanted to love someone. I knew I'd have a better relationship than my parents. The messes I saw. I would somehow. It's all I really wanted. More than living in the mountains or any type of career. I wanted love.
People tell me this is wrong, that there's more to life. I don't feel it. I don't understand. Everything is so transitory. Love is about having someone to spend your life with. Through the good times and the bad. To always be there and rely on. To coexist. To feel comfortable with. To be yourself with. To find security. To have someone you always feel safe with like that. It's my dream.
I fell in love this year. It's the fourth time in my life I've loved someone. I guess it was unexpected. We just meshed. I've never had that before. I've never met someone with whom I could just feel comfortable with from the beginning. We melted together. Or melted one another. Like snow. It was so easy to love him. To feel safe and happy. Wanted. Appreciated. From the moment we started talking, friendship was forged. Then we just became more. There were no real words to state this. We just were. I resisted saying too much early on, afraid to express love after what I've been through. I wish I'd been less afraid. The word means too much to me though. If I was going to say it, I was going to mean it, and I committed to never cause him harm. He found security with me. Felt safe. I would not jeopardize that. I swore to myself I would not betray his heart. I'd show care in everything. I think I did this. I tried my best. I've never done anything negative or hurtful that I can think of. I've always wanted to be the kind of person who wouldn't hurt the one they loved. It might be impossible to fulfill that promise, but it's something I wanted to aspire to.
Now he's fallen silent. Vanished. Without warning. I'm worried. I can only hope he's alright and will eventually open himself back up to me. He's virtually gone right now. I have to hold faith that patience and love will see me through, and see him through. He knows I love him and will be here waiting for him to come out the other side of this dark time. You never want to feel powerless to help someone you care about. With the distance often involved with such relationships thus is the reality. If someone withdraws, you can do little to be there for them. Even if you know they could probably use your presence. Even if just to give them a hug and "be" there.
I guess that wasn't last. ... Everything has impacted my health. Since moving here, I've lost 20 lbs. or more, what seems to be muscle. I have no stamina. Many days I have no will to eat. I'll go 14-20 hours without eating at times. Then I have to force myself to eat something. Nothing seems appealing. I just don't care. I was already feeling sad, down and worried over everything. This latest thing though, it's hit harder than everything else combined. I don't know how to describe it. Whatever hope or optimism I had left is gone. But, somehow I keep hold of hope that things will work out. I can't believe the one I love would hurt me on purpose. I believe in him. I have to believe he's going to open back up. Even if it's dreaming at this point. I dreamed of him, and he was real.
I should probably see a therapist. I should probably see a doctor. I feel so tired and weak. I've wondered for a few years if something is physically wrong. Perhaps feeling this tired and run down isn't normal, or explainable by what's happening in my life. I can't bring myself to do anything though. I don't want to die, but I don't really want to live right now either. It's not like I'm living anyhow. I'm just existing, going through the motions as I try to keep things from getting worse. Yet they inevitably do. I was trying so hard. I was exploring photography. I thought I'd get a gallery of some kind up, sharing more than just animal photos sporadically here on FA. Now, I don't feel any drive to. I don't feel much hope. I know it's not healthy to depend upon one person, for them to be integral to your happiness. I just don't know how to be otherwise. It's how I am. How I've always been. When I love someone, stability with them is necessary for me to face life. Otherwise, nothing seems worthwhile.
I've said too much. I told myself I wouldn't. I'll probably come back and edit this later.
To get sleep I take melatonin. Sometimes Benadryl. It's so hard to get real sleep. I just want to lie down and not be awake, so I don't have to feel. It doesn't help that dark thoughts sometimes occur. But as much as I feel miserable right now, I fear such an outcome more. So I go on.