Remembering this day years passed
I posted this elsewhere, and it was suggested I cross post here. I try to keep my public and private lives, especially this side, separate. Well, with as few people who still read here, hopefully that will maintain.
This should be dated Monday, btw. It's meant as of that date, relatively.
( Read more... )
This should be dated Monday, btw. It's meant as of that date, relatively.
( Read more... )
You share so little of what's going on in your life. Glimpses are all I get. Your Twitter is mostly haphazardness and RTs of who knows what? It's true things were never perfect, but the irony I find is that as bad as they were, from my future perspective I can look back and think ... they weren't so bad. Not just due to ommission of the bad, but because things are worse in many ways now.
Maybe a lot has to do with perspective even in the moment, as you said. I'm not sure I've ever been in such a depressed state or helplessness. I can't function, and I'm not sure what to do.
I sometimes see older LJ entries and think about how lame I was back then. I wish I felt more accomplished now. I really have a sense of having wasted my life. Yet it's daunting to look ahead. Overwhelming as I don't know what to do. I stay put, trying to endure, figure things out, and improve, but I'm slowly losing hold of this ledge. My claws are slipping. I wish I'd seen the good for what it was in the past. Not taken so much for granted. Now, I'm terrified of further loss, ever aware of my age and mortality, and wondering why it's an effort just to get groceries. I don't do enough, even to sustain the basic life I have.
Reality is pretty much subjective, ever changing, and in memory altered. I realize. I think a lot I've learned from you. You have maintained motivation, somehow. I envy that. I want to regain my drive. My worst problem is the isolation I feel. It's taken all my joy and hope away. I can barely breath sometimes when I'm trying to sleep and it all rises up in my mind. I get so tired, also. I'm wondering. Am I healthy? I slept for 12 hours, zonked out all day Sunday. I'm not 25 anymore, and 4-5 hours sleep work nights isn't enough. But something more seems off. I've lost weight and feel weak. My muscle mass is gone. I'm like a husk. That's diverting from the subject though. ... Pliable. Huh. I have this OCD thing that keeps a linear thought process with the many "must do" things that I can't seem to catch up on, and new things cropping up. I feel like I'm suffocating. Twitter may be dangerous for my mental state in that regard alone. It's not something you know, so it's easy to let it go, but my mind won't let anything go. How do you make life pliable, not laying it all out and following through, or feeling a failure when you do? I'm not at all good at adapting.
Maybe your considerations of buying a house need to hold off until you're in a place in life where you'd want to settle? Where you feel things are more "right"? A career field and a career place are different. You've had two jobs since grad school. It may take more moving around until you find the right fit?
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