Remembering this day years passed

[pardouncia]

I posted this elsewhere, and it was suggested I cross post here. I try to keep my public and private lives, especially this side, separate. Well, with as few people who still read here, hopefully that will maintain.

This should be dated Monday, btw. It's meant as of that date, relatively.

Comments

[nexrad]

Sir, I was thinking on past-times in a rather similar way over the past day or two. My life's not exactly been a bowl of jello lately. In my own life, I realize (esp. perusing old LJ entries) that the times that often seem so good in memory were riddled with problems, concerns, and situations that rendered the positive less apparent. Curiously, most people's memory seems to evolve over time such that the better recollections tend to take a bit of precedence over the worse. So, looking upon these past times now, I suggest may be akin to seeing only part of the whole.

What I'd encourage you to consider is checking your LJ entries and maybe even chat logs from about these same times - around the same times you formed these great memories of being up in Victor and of when you were back in Texas four years ago (August 2013?). As I recall from our chats... you were confronting many problems and many negative emotions even then.

The reason I point this out is the same I try to explain to Loop' a lot these days -- our reality is mediated by our perspective; we in-part create our own reality. It's why with my most recent angsty LJ post, I've not cursed my life, bemoaned how I'm depressed. Instead, I've emphasized how I have a lot of cruddy situations right now. They're just cruddy situations. Life's more than just these. With some good sleep, maybe figuring out a better approach to some class sessions later this week and next, a lot of the problems can be resolved. See, that's looking forward - seeing the moment as pliable - and forming ideas to adapt. You can do this, too, and in so doing can create new great memories.

As for settling... I still don't feel like I'm settled here. While I want to buy a house, I also don't know if I want to stay here.

[pardouncia]

Photobucket stopped allowing hosting of images for use on other sites, and Planetfurry hosts stuff for me from years ago, but I don't know where my login is, and it's not letting me link to the background image either. So my LJ is boring now.

You share so little of what's going on in your life. Glimpses are all I get. Your Twitter is mostly haphazardness and RTs of who knows what? It's true things were never perfect, but the irony I find is that as bad as they were, from my future perspective I can look back and think ... they weren't so bad. Not just due to ommission of the bad, but because things are worse in many ways now.

Maybe a lot has to do with perspective even in the moment, as you said. I'm not sure I've ever been in such a depressed state or helplessness. I can't function, and I'm not sure what to do.

I sometimes see older LJ entries and think about how lame I was back then. I wish I felt more accomplished now. I really have a sense of having wasted my life. Yet it's daunting to look ahead. Overwhelming as I don't know what to do. I stay put, trying to endure, figure things out, and improve, but I'm slowly losing hold of this ledge. My claws are slipping. I wish I'd seen the good for what it was in the past. Not taken so much for granted. Now, I'm terrified of further loss, ever aware of my age and mortality, and wondering why it's an effort just to get groceries. I don't do enough, even to sustain the basic life I have.

Reality is pretty much subjective, ever changing, and in memory altered. I realize. I think a lot I've learned from you. You have maintained motivation, somehow. I envy that. I want to regain my drive. My worst problem is the isolation I feel. It's taken all my joy and hope away. I can barely breath sometimes when I'm trying to sleep and it all rises up in my mind. I get so tired, also. I'm wondering. Am I healthy? I slept for 12 hours, zonked out all day Sunday. I'm not 25 anymore, and 4-5 hours sleep work nights isn't enough. But something more seems off. I've lost weight and feel weak. My muscle mass is gone. I'm like a husk. That's diverting from the subject though. ... Pliable. Huh. I have this OCD thing that keeps a linear thought process with the many "must do" things that I can't seem to catch up on, and new things cropping up. I feel like I'm suffocating. Twitter may be dangerous for my mental state in that regard alone. It's not something you know, so it's easy to let it go, but my mind won't let anything go. How do you make life pliable, not laying it all out and following through, or feeling a failure when you do? I'm not at all good at adapting.

Maybe your considerations of buying a house need to hold off until you're in a place in life where you'd want to settle? Where you feel things are more "right"? A career field and a career place are different. You've had two jobs since grad school. It may take more moving around until you find the right fit?