(no subject)
aug. 24,06-
i've already ripped out two pages but you knew that right? inevitably, this will porbably be the next in a series of hundreds of ripped out, not good enough pages of meaningless (well potentially meaningful i supposed depending on the reader and my ability to actually convey whats in my soul somehow..)...pages of jargon, of word vomit, or thoughts i have a hard time believing are even my own. see, it's starting...because all of that, yes all of those words i just wrote and am writing right now ....well, i dont feel like they are mine. i dont even think about them before they come out, and the thoughts i do think about first are typicalyl forgotten or lost before i ever have the chance to let pen collide with paper.
on a side note, i love the word collide. it seems to me to perhaps be the most powerful word in existence. it's so....personal. intimate. abrupt. directly effecting. meaningful. the word crash makes me feel the same way. they are both such literal and spiritual words that describe human (and all aspects of humanity as well) interaction. crashes or collisions are amazing because they aren't intentional. although i still believe they are most likely destined to happen. they are accidentals dreams and miracles...and i of course am no longer talking in a physical sense of the word necessarily....although, this way i'm describing it could have stemmed from moments of that literal meaning as well.
thursday has this song called 'understanding in a car crash' , and honest to god, that song title is probably the only reason i ever liked them. that and their damn bird emblem that i almost want a tattoo of. in fact, i remember thinking at one point listening to them that i didnt know how poeple put up with this guy's voice. i probably shouldn't say that though considering its been a long tiem since i've heard them and because my musical taste is forever changing and i now like millionis of things i never thought i would.
besides that i would feel absolutely wretched if the guy from thursday ever knew that i said that though, even if he never knew who i was. even if he were the biggest jerk in the world... although i highly doubt that considering his genre and the fact that he writes like he does. (if in fact it is him that wrote those songs..because you never know who writes their own songs these days...)
speaking of which, that highly disturbs me. i realize that not all writers have the greatest voices and potentially no musical abilities whatsoever, and i think
that their words are often so easy to relate to and should be shared, and often make amazing songs that i myself obsess over and rave about....part of me doesnt feel like its right for those people to sing ( and thus usually get credit for ) those things that they did not write or feel. i understand that they could have felt something simliar (although i think all people can relate about all things anyway if we really think about it and put down our pride to realize we are all the same anyway...) but yaeh i guess i just dont feel like it's theirs to sing, and portray, and share with the world.
i know though that in many cases, those situations are the only wahy that some of those thoughts can ever be shared, and well really music is an amazing, soul grasping way to do that, so if that's what it takes then i suppose that's acceptable beacuse i wont lie, i probably couldn't live without music, and especially without lyrics. sometimes i think i could live life in lyric without ever speaking a word. well, i'd live i guess because really there's a lot more important things to focus on anyway, but nonetheless i love music and art, feelings, thoughts, and the humanity that's behind it. it adds up to a lot of me that i can't describe, write, or draw, or play myself.
i love to see musicians that live and breathe their music- *thus the thoughts before about people who write and perform their own music)
anyway, i love a good heartfelt song with a heartfelt face and voice behind it. each note played precisely as if their very soul and emotion were moving the instrument's keys and chords itself.
anywayu, on the page i ripped out, i told you that this was my first attempt at writing for the sake of writing in a long time and i'm surprised i haven't thrown it away yet. but you give it time you poor paper and pen...for i will most likely destroy you just as i usually destroy these parts of my soul and thoughts. and it will be tragic, yes, as it always is...but you will not be nonexistent, you may be forgotten ( sorry ...sadly its just because i have quite the memory loss lately, its very frustrating i wont lie) - but you will forever remain a piece of me and a thought ( or thoughts) that somehow managed to escape through my fingers. and now that i'e actually started writing, its becoming
so easy, yet so time consuming. and probably boring, beacuse i feel as if i'm rambling ...but i . cant. stop.
this is reminding me of somnething i wrote about a month ago, more than likely that i scribbled on some scrap paper at work or while driving. i'm giong to try to find it and rememeber that it is MINE. to remember that those were my thoughts and words, and try to make sense of that fact and feel the reality of colliding with myself. oh what a beautiful collision it will be...
and before i forget, i wanted to thank those people who may never read this, (and more than likely wont unless i decide to share whether with few or many)
but that inspired me to do this. that told me its okay to be real, and be who i am about things, even when i' not sure who i am sometimes. anyway, to those people, you specific IMPACTS, (another good word), i thank you for unlocking this door to myself that i may or may not be glad to have opened. i'll let you know someday if it was for better or worse. if i'm still living to tell you though i'm going to assume it was for the better. and if i'm not here, will you be the first to cry 'houston we have a heartbreak?'
::to be continued::
i've already ripped out two pages but you knew that right? inevitably, this will porbably be the next in a series of hundreds of ripped out, not good enough pages of meaningless (well potentially meaningful i supposed depending on the reader and my ability to actually convey whats in my soul somehow..)...pages of jargon, of word vomit, or thoughts i have a hard time believing are even my own. see, it's starting...because all of that, yes all of those words i just wrote and am writing right now ....well, i dont feel like they are mine. i dont even think about them before they come out, and the thoughts i do think about first are typicalyl forgotten or lost before i ever have the chance to let pen collide with paper.
on a side note, i love the word collide. it seems to me to perhaps be the most powerful word in existence. it's so....personal. intimate. abrupt. directly effecting. meaningful. the word crash makes me feel the same way. they are both such literal and spiritual words that describe human (and all aspects of humanity as well) interaction. crashes or collisions are amazing because they aren't intentional. although i still believe they are most likely destined to happen. they are accidentals dreams and miracles...and i of course am no longer talking in a physical sense of the word necessarily....although, this way i'm describing it could have stemmed from moments of that literal meaning as well.
thursday has this song called 'understanding in a car crash' , and honest to god, that song title is probably the only reason i ever liked them. that and their damn bird emblem that i almost want a tattoo of. in fact, i remember thinking at one point listening to them that i didnt know how poeple put up with this guy's voice. i probably shouldn't say that though considering its been a long tiem since i've heard them and because my musical taste is forever changing and i now like millionis of things i never thought i would.
besides that i would feel absolutely wretched if the guy from thursday ever knew that i said that though, even if he never knew who i was. even if he were the biggest jerk in the world... although i highly doubt that considering his genre and the fact that he writes like he does. (if in fact it is him that wrote those songs..because you never know who writes their own songs these days...)
speaking of which, that highly disturbs me. i realize that not all writers have the greatest voices and potentially no musical abilities whatsoever, and i think
that their words are often so easy to relate to and should be shared, and often make amazing songs that i myself obsess over and rave about....part of me doesnt feel like its right for those people to sing ( and thus usually get credit for ) those things that they did not write or feel. i understand that they could have felt something simliar (although i think all people can relate about all things anyway if we really think about it and put down our pride to realize we are all the same anyway...) but yaeh i guess i just dont feel like it's theirs to sing, and portray, and share with the world.
i know though that in many cases, those situations are the only wahy that some of those thoughts can ever be shared, and well really music is an amazing, soul grasping way to do that, so if that's what it takes then i suppose that's acceptable beacuse i wont lie, i probably couldn't live without music, and especially without lyrics. sometimes i think i could live life in lyric without ever speaking a word. well, i'd live i guess because really there's a lot more important things to focus on anyway, but nonetheless i love music and art, feelings, thoughts, and the humanity that's behind it. it adds up to a lot of me that i can't describe, write, or draw, or play myself.
i love to see musicians that live and breathe their music- *thus the thoughts before about people who write and perform their own music)
anyway, i love a good heartfelt song with a heartfelt face and voice behind it. each note played precisely as if their very soul and emotion were moving the instrument's keys and chords itself.
anywayu, on the page i ripped out, i told you that this was my first attempt at writing for the sake of writing in a long time and i'm surprised i haven't thrown it away yet. but you give it time you poor paper and pen...for i will most likely destroy you just as i usually destroy these parts of my soul and thoughts. and it will be tragic, yes, as it always is...but you will not be nonexistent, you may be forgotten ( sorry ...sadly its just because i have quite the memory loss lately, its very frustrating i wont lie) - but you will forever remain a piece of me and a thought ( or thoughts) that somehow managed to escape through my fingers. and now that i'e actually started writing, its becoming
so easy, yet so time consuming. and probably boring, beacuse i feel as if i'm rambling ...but i . cant. stop.
this is reminding me of somnething i wrote about a month ago, more than likely that i scribbled on some scrap paper at work or while driving. i'm giong to try to find it and rememeber that it is MINE. to remember that those were my thoughts and words, and try to make sense of that fact and feel the reality of colliding with myself. oh what a beautiful collision it will be...
and before i forget, i wanted to thank those people who may never read this, (and more than likely wont unless i decide to share whether with few or many)
but that inspired me to do this. that told me its okay to be real, and be who i am about things, even when i' not sure who i am sometimes. anyway, to those people, you specific IMPACTS, (another good word), i thank you for unlocking this door to myself that i may or may not be glad to have opened. i'll let you know someday if it was for better or worse. if i'm still living to tell you though i'm going to assume it was for the better. and if i'm not here, will you be the first to cry 'houston we have a heartbreak?'
::to be continued::