The Dummy's Guide to the Care and Maintenance of Vases, Part 9 of 9
I feel wonderfully light and empty. I am worried that I might float away if I am not careful. I am perfectly selfless. I have neither purpose nor direction.
I am very angry with the girl Willow killed. Why did she have to spoil everything? How can she possibly pretend her life is worth as much as Willow's?
This is the bar I used to tend. I believe I will go in. This is what people do when they are hurt: They drink until they do not hurt any more.
“I want something to drink,” I tell the bartender.
“What will you have?”
I blink at him.
“Xander!” says Willow.
I am hearing things. I think I might be going mad. I would very much like to be mad.
“Xander!” says Willow.
Two Willows, of course. This is the one I don't have to kill and who doesn't like me. She would be very annoyed with me for using so many negatives, but she can't hear inside my head.
“You can't hear inside my head,” I tell her, and giggle. I am aware that I am not making sense. This is disappointing. My awareness means that I am probably sane.
“You remembered,” she sniffles. “My birthday. I didn't think you would remember and you remembered.”
She tries to stand up and almost falls over. She giggles as well. She's been drinking. I am suddenly very angry with her. She's probably upset about an exam, or Oz or somebody I'm not important enough to know about.
I am suddenly furious with her for caring about such petty things. I am outside of time, and I see all at once how marvelously petty the whole world is.
“We're going home,” I tell her. She responds by stumbling against me and giggling again. I wrap an arm around her and guide her outside.
Willow isn't allowed to drink. I can't fit drinking into the collection of things I know about Willow. I steer her through the streets, and I steer her through the halls, and I steer her through the door of her dorm room; and I look at her, and I think about her double the vampire, and I understand what I have to do.
I pull Willow's shoes off and put her to bed, and she looks up at me.
“Do you want to come in?” she says.
“I'm already in,” I tell her, and pat her hand, and she starts crying. I want to comfort her, but I can't. I'm always going to want to be the guy she needs to comfort her. I'm always going to want to be the guy who's allowed to tell her she shouldn't be drinking. I'm always going to want her to remain a good little high schooler whose worst rebellion is eating a banana at the wrong time. But she doesn't need me, and I'm not allowed, and we're never going to be in high school again.
I take her head in my hands, and I kiss her on the forehead. And I don't say anything, but I say goodbye.
I don't have my old life any more. You can turn back a clock, but there is not a single person who can turn back time. But I do have the other Willow, and somebody should kill her, but I'm kidding myself if I think I can do it. Even the phrase itself sounds ridiculously melodramatic.
Willow holds my hand and tells me not to go, but I pull free and walk to the door. I can hear a thump behind me as she falls out of bed. I want to go back and help her, but I'm not the one picking her up any more.
I feel wonderfully light and empty as I walk back to the apartment.
It takes me a few moments to realize she isn't there. There's a pile of chains in the middle of the floor, and in the middle of them a note:
Dear Xander,
I know it doesn't mean anything to say that I'm sorry, but I am. I tried so hard, but as my parents used to say, trying doesn't count.
Three years ago I forgot the meaning of law, and I will never go to heaven. But I care for you, and for that reason I tried as hard as I could. Please don't gauge my love by my weakness.
Love you always,
Not Willow”
I crumple the note in my hand, and I stare at the wall for a while before walking upstairs to the front door.
It doesn't matter. I have to go after her. She might kill me, but it doesn't matter. I'll still love her.
I button up ANGEL IS A TWATBASKET, and I open the door, and a pair of panties hits me in the face.
End of Part 2
Part 3, currently untitled, will begin shortly.