looking for elightenment?
i realize that i haven't written anything recently, the fact is that i've been slipping somewhat. but that's ok, what i'm trying to do is a huge change in so many ways, i never expected it to be easy. and i anticipated what's been happening too. it's disappointing but it's also one of the signs that tells me it's good for me and to keep pushing on. i have my friend to help me with that too, she's a very driven person and can be pretty motivating. :)
i am making progress towards my goal, i challenge myself every day and i don't think i usually get through the day without spending at least a little time thinking about this and working towards my goal. the steps are just smaller than i'd like.
*** one "interruption" later ***
i was just talking to another friend of mine whom i hardly ever get to talk to recently. it's my dutch friend who is studying to become a dentist. i love talking to her, especially after not getting to regularly, because it makes her perspective more fresh and new and helps me to get more insights from talking to her. while talking to her i realized that looking back over the last month or two, one area where i've really made good progress that i hadn't even been looking at is in how i interact with women. it's kind of funny because this is an area i've been trying to change for quite a long time, but it's the one that i've been putting the perhaps the least amount of conscious effort into recently whilst still putting in *some* effort. that's an observation that i think i want to keep in mind and consider more, because maybe it works kind of like the pink elephant thing. i.e. "don't think about a pink elephant." and all you can do is think about a pink elephant that there's a 99.9999% chance you weren't thinking about until you were consciously directed not to think about it. interesting thought....
anyway, i've been quite a bit more... umm... open? i'm really not sure what word i need here. something along the lines of open, receptive, or something like that when i'm around a girl i'm interested in. in terms of making eye-contact, smiling, talking to her, trying to break the ice more etc. i think that's a positive thing even beyond my searching for a mate, especially since over 50% of the population are female.
and that brings up another thing i need to think about some more. when i talk to women, i am a different person than when i talk to men. i talk more softly, more sensitively, more emotionally, more considerately and so on. when i talk to men i am more blunt, crude, and direct. what does that mean? and is that representative of most men? i think i'll ask my gay friend about that next time i see him. my guess is that in his case he would be the same way around other men, or at least gay men, and not do the things i do around women so much. i'm wondering if it's some kind of strange sexual interaction or if it's something society teaches us or if it's chemical/genetic/physiological or if it's simply some kind of personal bias or what.
i believe this one thing in particular is largely responsible for the miserable failure that so many relationships turn into these days. what if we could live out our lives completely uncensored? what if we felt free to just be ourselves and not hold back who we are no matter what company we're in? and how much of this is a problem with how easily we allow ourselves to be offended? how much is due to our own insecurities in our beliefs that we don't want to allow someone to differ too much from our own norm? and how much of it is due to the faulty beliefs we hold and the way we live our lives? that's something interesting to think about. i'll see if i can find a way to write more about this in my next update.
in the meantime, i am alive and well, and will be changing jobs in the next few weeks. it has come time for me and the company i am working for to part ways, we have reached what i believe is an empasse. the direction they are going does not align with the direction i am going now, and the best and most productive thing i can do at this point is to cut the string and diverge from their course. well, so maybe i have been more successful than i thought these past couple of months. :)
i am making progress towards my goal, i challenge myself every day and i don't think i usually get through the day without spending at least a little time thinking about this and working towards my goal. the steps are just smaller than i'd like.
*** one "interruption" later ***
i was just talking to another friend of mine whom i hardly ever get to talk to recently. it's my dutch friend who is studying to become a dentist. i love talking to her, especially after not getting to regularly, because it makes her perspective more fresh and new and helps me to get more insights from talking to her. while talking to her i realized that looking back over the last month or two, one area where i've really made good progress that i hadn't even been looking at is in how i interact with women. it's kind of funny because this is an area i've been trying to change for quite a long time, but it's the one that i've been putting the perhaps the least amount of conscious effort into recently whilst still putting in *some* effort. that's an observation that i think i want to keep in mind and consider more, because maybe it works kind of like the pink elephant thing. i.e. "don't think about a pink elephant." and all you can do is think about a pink elephant that there's a 99.9999% chance you weren't thinking about until you were consciously directed not to think about it. interesting thought....
anyway, i've been quite a bit more... umm... open? i'm really not sure what word i need here. something along the lines of open, receptive, or something like that when i'm around a girl i'm interested in. in terms of making eye-contact, smiling, talking to her, trying to break the ice more etc. i think that's a positive thing even beyond my searching for a mate, especially since over 50% of the population are female.
and that brings up another thing i need to think about some more. when i talk to women, i am a different person than when i talk to men. i talk more softly, more sensitively, more emotionally, more considerately and so on. when i talk to men i am more blunt, crude, and direct. what does that mean? and is that representative of most men? i think i'll ask my gay friend about that next time i see him. my guess is that in his case he would be the same way around other men, or at least gay men, and not do the things i do around women so much. i'm wondering if it's some kind of strange sexual interaction or if it's something society teaches us or if it's chemical/genetic/physiological or if it's simply some kind of personal bias or what.
i believe this one thing in particular is largely responsible for the miserable failure that so many relationships turn into these days. what if we could live out our lives completely uncensored? what if we felt free to just be ourselves and not hold back who we are no matter what company we're in? and how much of this is a problem with how easily we allow ourselves to be offended? how much is due to our own insecurities in our beliefs that we don't want to allow someone to differ too much from our own norm? and how much of it is due to the faulty beliefs we hold and the way we live our lives? that's something interesting to think about. i'll see if i can find a way to write more about this in my next update.
in the meantime, i am alive and well, and will be changing jobs in the next few weeks. it has come time for me and the company i am working for to part ways, we have reached what i believe is an empasse. the direction they are going does not align with the direction i am going now, and the best and most productive thing i can do at this point is to cut the string and diverge from their course. well, so maybe i have been more successful than i thought these past couple of months. :)