Long time no post
As JD said tonight, I haven't posted anything but quizes lately and to be honest I haven't had much time to write. Though this may be so, I still have had numerous thoughts running through my head. One of them being: What if I had stopped and talked to Ahmed at fanime?
I don't know why I keep thinking about that, I did get him out of my life and it was mostly my fault. I believed in something that was never there to begin with and I am the one responsible for hurting myself. The thing I feel most badly about is the fact that when he broke down in front of me and I supported him, I told him I would never leave him and that I would always be his friend. Now where am I? I've abandon him. And while I think I have my reasons, it was still wrong of me. This is for the best though, I don't need the added drama in my life or risk getting hurt again by the same person.
A few other things I've been thinking about have been showcased to me tonight with a vital reality. I do not fit in with most gay guys (not in the good way) and I do have a lot of money. The second one is understandable, some have it, some work for it, and some don't have it at all. I've always grown up knowing my mom worked hard to make what she could and is doing her best to raise my brother and I with little to no help from my dad. Even though she may make a good chunk of money for herself, she still has us two brats to worry about and take care of. And tonight my friend JD and Karry come over to pick me up and hang out and I know they are better off then me and its okay, I have no problems with it. Their parents work hard and so do they, so they are entitled to those things. I know someday I will have vast amounts of money and buy nice things, its a goal I'm working very hard for but in the meantime I need to stick to just doing my bit. Anywho, tonight their friend Matt has come to pick me up (with them in the car) and he's driving around his little Jetta, talking about buying Luis Viton (however the fuck you spell it) at the mall tonight, and talking about money as if its no problem. My other friends work hard but have their parents help at the same time however... I feel all alone. I know I shouldn't be complaining about this because I'm still better off then a lot of people in this world but it just erks me to death. I work hard, I do my own thing, wash my own dishes, wash my own clothes, get up early and take myself to work, cook my own food, etc etc etc I'm a very independant person. And where has it gotten me? Struggling with school payment stuff, hoping I can get financial aid, and stressing along the way. ::insert sigh:: I just look at clothes these days and know I can't afford them and see others just charge it while their parents foot the bill every month. But again... I shouldn't be complaining. I just know where I stand and thats the way its gonna be.
The other topic is that I don't mix in well with other gay guys. I mean its hard enough to even find someone who is gay (3% of the world male population), let alone someone who I'm compatable with, but it doesn't help that I feel uncomfortable and don't have the same intrests as many. Tonight, Matt and a few of the other guys were all talking about clothes, and hand bags, and singers, and other things that I feel maybe I should know about but I know its just not me. I know I'm differant, odd, a nerd, a geek and it eats me up inside. I am making the biggest effort to be more forward with people and say "Hello" to friends' friends and just be friendly, but I'm still scared. Tonight I felt so out of place. I walked around the mall, sat there and ate my chicken, watched the tv show with everyone but at the same time anxious to go. I know this makes me sound like a bad friend but it was weird, I'm just not like them. I don't want to sleep around. I don't want to buy a damn purse (my messanger bag is fine). I don't want to be on top of fashion. I just want to be me and have people like me for that. I know my friends do, I don't know what I'd do with out Cyndia, Meli, Josh, Kristen, Chris, JD, etc. (sorry if I missed anyone) They took the time to really get to know me and didn't care how I looked or how stupid I can be. They enjoyed being with me because I am me and I guess what I'm really stressing over is not fitting in with other gay men; its that I want to find another gay man who likes me for me and I like him. While I do still want to be able to hang out with a group of gay men and not feel out of place, I want someone to be there who can be more to me then just a friend. ::sigh::
I tend to do this rambling thing on the same damn issues. ::shrug:: oh well.
I don't know why I keep thinking about that, I did get him out of my life and it was mostly my fault. I believed in something that was never there to begin with and I am the one responsible for hurting myself. The thing I feel most badly about is the fact that when he broke down in front of me and I supported him, I told him I would never leave him and that I would always be his friend. Now where am I? I've abandon him. And while I think I have my reasons, it was still wrong of me. This is for the best though, I don't need the added drama in my life or risk getting hurt again by the same person.
A few other things I've been thinking about have been showcased to me tonight with a vital reality. I do not fit in with most gay guys (not in the good way) and I do have a lot of money. The second one is understandable, some have it, some work for it, and some don't have it at all. I've always grown up knowing my mom worked hard to make what she could and is doing her best to raise my brother and I with little to no help from my dad. Even though she may make a good chunk of money for herself, she still has us two brats to worry about and take care of. And tonight my friend JD and Karry come over to pick me up and hang out and I know they are better off then me and its okay, I have no problems with it. Their parents work hard and so do they, so they are entitled to those things. I know someday I will have vast amounts of money and buy nice things, its a goal I'm working very hard for but in the meantime I need to stick to just doing my bit. Anywho, tonight their friend Matt has come to pick me up (with them in the car) and he's driving around his little Jetta, talking about buying Luis Viton (however the fuck you spell it) at the mall tonight, and talking about money as if its no problem. My other friends work hard but have their parents help at the same time however... I feel all alone. I know I shouldn't be complaining about this because I'm still better off then a lot of people in this world but it just erks me to death. I work hard, I do my own thing, wash my own dishes, wash my own clothes, get up early and take myself to work, cook my own food, etc etc etc I'm a very independant person. And where has it gotten me? Struggling with school payment stuff, hoping I can get financial aid, and stressing along the way. ::insert sigh:: I just look at clothes these days and know I can't afford them and see others just charge it while their parents foot the bill every month. But again... I shouldn't be complaining. I just know where I stand and thats the way its gonna be.
The other topic is that I don't mix in well with other gay guys. I mean its hard enough to even find someone who is gay (3% of the world male population), let alone someone who I'm compatable with, but it doesn't help that I feel uncomfortable and don't have the same intrests as many. Tonight, Matt and a few of the other guys were all talking about clothes, and hand bags, and singers, and other things that I feel maybe I should know about but I know its just not me. I know I'm differant, odd, a nerd, a geek and it eats me up inside. I am making the biggest effort to be more forward with people and say "Hello" to friends' friends and just be friendly, but I'm still scared. Tonight I felt so out of place. I walked around the mall, sat there and ate my chicken, watched the tv show with everyone but at the same time anxious to go. I know this makes me sound like a bad friend but it was weird, I'm just not like them. I don't want to sleep around. I don't want to buy a damn purse (my messanger bag is fine). I don't want to be on top of fashion. I just want to be me and have people like me for that. I know my friends do, I don't know what I'd do with out Cyndia, Meli, Josh, Kristen, Chris, JD, etc. (sorry if I missed anyone) They took the time to really get to know me and didn't care how I looked or how stupid I can be. They enjoyed being with me because I am me and I guess what I'm really stressing over is not fitting in with other gay men; its that I want to find another gay man who likes me for me and I like him. While I do still want to be able to hang out with a group of gay men and not feel out of place, I want someone to be there who can be more to me then just a friend. ::sigh::
I tend to do this rambling thing on the same damn issues. ::shrug:: oh well.