Its been awhile...
Wow... I haven't written in a long while. I guess now is a better time then ever, especially since I need to start packing up my stuff and I can't think of where to begin. This semester has flown by and I will be leaving San Jose for the summer the day after fanime. I've had both good and bad memories while I've been here this spring, but overall I think I made a good choice in coming here to this school instead of going to San Diego State. Dispite how busy I've been lately with essays, finals coming up and the vast amount of hours I put into work, I have been thinking a lot lately.
Recently I've begun to think of my dad. Him and I never really did speak much and after my parents split up my brother and I saw him occassionally and over the years we've become more and more distant. Growing up I may have seen him as a role model but as I grew up and came to realize who I am, I don't see those qualities in him anymore. As a little kid you don't know much more then your parents or close friends so naturally I felt that my dad was the best guy in the world. While I don't see him as a role model any more, I know that he is still my dad. It's because of these conflicted feelings that I feel guilty for not calling him, checking up on him and seeing how he is doing. Then again, its not like he's gone out of his way to call me or see how I'm doing up here in San Jose. I'm beginning to worry about him and what his future may hold. Currently he is a janitor for San Diego city schools and at age 50 (on July 6th) he has no asperations to become anything more. He's currently a roommate living at a friend's place and barely making ends meet. He doesn't have a bank account, credit cards or even a phone so that he can be reached or traced. I'm worried that when he retires he may not have anything to live on or anyone to support him. As a son I feel compelled to do so but at the same time I don't think he diserves it. It may be creul of me to think this way, but like I've said him and I aren't that close anymore. Even his mother who lives down the street from him is tired of helping him out. Speaking of which, she's getting up there too and her and I aren't that close either. She prefers to connect with my other cousins then with my brother and I who live in the same city as her. ::sigh:: I honestly don't know why these thoughts have started to run through my head but I'm sure there is a reason for it. Maybe its a subconcious way for me to tell myself that I need to connect back with that side of my family again. I mean, he is my dad but at the same time I know that even if i make the attempt that doesn't mean he will be willing to do so. And even if he does make that attempt, I know that he will pull the same stuff as he did when my brother and I were kids. As it is, my brother tries to visit and be with him constantly only to be let down by empty promises and little to no bonding time. Well that was a nice rant, now lets move onto someone else I've started to think about lately.
Last weekend I was at work doing my thing, the usual cashier stuff when suddenly I smelled something. According to some psychologists, smell is one of the most effective ways to trigger a memory and thats what happend to me. I was busying ringing up a customer when suddenly I smelled this exotic scent with a hint of spice and a bitter sweetness to it. My head shot up and I began to look around furiously to see who was wearing it. I'd know that scent from anywhere but the person who I thought it belonged to was no where to be seen. It must have been someone else. I know I've kicked Ahmed out of my life (again) and while I know its for the best a part of me says that it was wrong of me to do so. We had differant ideas of what was appropriate and I know I made a few wrong choices in allowing myself to give into acts I'm not always proud of but I'm glad I shared them with him. After I told him I wrote about how I didn't want to see him again, he ran into my store to hand off a few videos he had of mine (he still has one more apparently) and he left a note with them. I was suprised to see him there, speechless, but at the same time I was upset with him still. I know we didn't see eye to eye on what we wanted but I could no longer look at him the same and I expressed that to him earlier. After he handed me the videos he said good bye and made his way out of the store and that afternoon I attended Josh' birthday party. Cyndia wouldn't let me read the letter and I'm not sure I wanted to either, I still haven't to this day however I have a feeling as to what it's about. Anyways, back to the smell. The scent brought back a flood of memories and they have been sturring inside my head. I feel that it was extremely harsh of me to just cut him out of my life and maybe I should let him back in but my brain says no. Its a conflict between my heart and my head. One is all feelings and emotions while the other is full of ration and logic. I know from past experiences that letting him back in my life will allow me to continue a great friendship but at the same time I know the risks of liking him again for a part of me will probably always feel that way. But in doing so I will only be hurt and when I get hurt I throw people out of my life.
I've noticed that I have a habit of doing that, tossing people aside if they hurt me. Thats probably why my father and I aren't close, I didn't want to put up with his empty words and false intentions of wanting to be there for my brother and I. I know it makes me a bad person and I tell myself I do it so that I can heal and become stronger but has it really made me any better? If anything I think it has made me a weaker person for not attacking the problem head on and instead just leaving it behind so that I can forget about it someday. Its a hypocritical thing I do because I always tell my friends to fix their problems right away and yet I'm the one who walks away. Until I am able to fix this, I don't think I will have a healthy relationship with anyone. Not friends, family or even a possible love interest. It will all be for nothing if I cannot learn to live and deal with what life brings my way.
Currently, I am writing a song to help express these feelings and maybe its a way for me to work things out. I'll make sure to post it when its finished.
Recently I've begun to think of my dad. Him and I never really did speak much and after my parents split up my brother and I saw him occassionally and over the years we've become more and more distant. Growing up I may have seen him as a role model but as I grew up and came to realize who I am, I don't see those qualities in him anymore. As a little kid you don't know much more then your parents or close friends so naturally I felt that my dad was the best guy in the world. While I don't see him as a role model any more, I know that he is still my dad. It's because of these conflicted feelings that I feel guilty for not calling him, checking up on him and seeing how he is doing. Then again, its not like he's gone out of his way to call me or see how I'm doing up here in San Jose. I'm beginning to worry about him and what his future may hold. Currently he is a janitor for San Diego city schools and at age 50 (on July 6th) he has no asperations to become anything more. He's currently a roommate living at a friend's place and barely making ends meet. He doesn't have a bank account, credit cards or even a phone so that he can be reached or traced. I'm worried that when he retires he may not have anything to live on or anyone to support him. As a son I feel compelled to do so but at the same time I don't think he diserves it. It may be creul of me to think this way, but like I've said him and I aren't that close anymore. Even his mother who lives down the street from him is tired of helping him out. Speaking of which, she's getting up there too and her and I aren't that close either. She prefers to connect with my other cousins then with my brother and I who live in the same city as her. ::sigh:: I honestly don't know why these thoughts have started to run through my head but I'm sure there is a reason for it. Maybe its a subconcious way for me to tell myself that I need to connect back with that side of my family again. I mean, he is my dad but at the same time I know that even if i make the attempt that doesn't mean he will be willing to do so. And even if he does make that attempt, I know that he will pull the same stuff as he did when my brother and I were kids. As it is, my brother tries to visit and be with him constantly only to be let down by empty promises and little to no bonding time. Well that was a nice rant, now lets move onto someone else I've started to think about lately.
Last weekend I was at work doing my thing, the usual cashier stuff when suddenly I smelled something. According to some psychologists, smell is one of the most effective ways to trigger a memory and thats what happend to me. I was busying ringing up a customer when suddenly I smelled this exotic scent with a hint of spice and a bitter sweetness to it. My head shot up and I began to look around furiously to see who was wearing it. I'd know that scent from anywhere but the person who I thought it belonged to was no where to be seen. It must have been someone else. I know I've kicked Ahmed out of my life (again) and while I know its for the best a part of me says that it was wrong of me to do so. We had differant ideas of what was appropriate and I know I made a few wrong choices in allowing myself to give into acts I'm not always proud of but I'm glad I shared them with him. After I told him I wrote about how I didn't want to see him again, he ran into my store to hand off a few videos he had of mine (he still has one more apparently) and he left a note with them. I was suprised to see him there, speechless, but at the same time I was upset with him still. I know we didn't see eye to eye on what we wanted but I could no longer look at him the same and I expressed that to him earlier. After he handed me the videos he said good bye and made his way out of the store and that afternoon I attended Josh' birthday party. Cyndia wouldn't let me read the letter and I'm not sure I wanted to either, I still haven't to this day however I have a feeling as to what it's about. Anyways, back to the smell. The scent brought back a flood of memories and they have been sturring inside my head. I feel that it was extremely harsh of me to just cut him out of my life and maybe I should let him back in but my brain says no. Its a conflict between my heart and my head. One is all feelings and emotions while the other is full of ration and logic. I know from past experiences that letting him back in my life will allow me to continue a great friendship but at the same time I know the risks of liking him again for a part of me will probably always feel that way. But in doing so I will only be hurt and when I get hurt I throw people out of my life.
I've noticed that I have a habit of doing that, tossing people aside if they hurt me. Thats probably why my father and I aren't close, I didn't want to put up with his empty words and false intentions of wanting to be there for my brother and I. I know it makes me a bad person and I tell myself I do it so that I can heal and become stronger but has it really made me any better? If anything I think it has made me a weaker person for not attacking the problem head on and instead just leaving it behind so that I can forget about it someday. Its a hypocritical thing I do because I always tell my friends to fix their problems right away and yet I'm the one who walks away. Until I am able to fix this, I don't think I will have a healthy relationship with anyone. Not friends, family or even a possible love interest. It will all be for nothing if I cannot learn to live and deal with what life brings my way.
Currently, I am writing a song to help express these feelings and maybe its a way for me to work things out. I'll make sure to post it when its finished.