June/July: NO-GOOD

[paranoiddroid]

Boy was I more optimistic in my previous post than how I'm feeling right now. All this free time is slowly destroying me. Too much time to think myself into a deep depression and I feel like I don't have a purpose in life. I feel irrationally lonely on top of things. I barely have any motivation to do anything except for exercise and that's only because my efforts are fueled with raging self-hatred. Outside of work (twice a week) I don't sign on my free time and my studying is inconsistent. I barely practice my bass at all. I can't even get motivated to play any video games outside of third strike for an hour. I have like twenty dollars in my account as I wait on pins and needles for my paycheck to come. My paychecks are pathetic considering how little I work at the moment since only a handful of Deaf students go to school during the summer. That's another thing; it's so irritating that my work doesn't do direct deposit. Very dumb. I was gonna get a mcjob for the summer but there was (and still is) a high possibility that we're moving because my parents are struggling with the house payments so I didn't bother. I should've done it anyway. Fuck. I can't wait for the Fall semester to start. I'll be so busy with school full time and I'll have more hours to work so I won't have the time to mull around feeling like a loser. Not to mention being around people on a consistent basis will help me not feel so alone. Speaking of loser, it'll be great once I'm done with school so I can work full time and be on my own. Living with my parents just shames me to no end. They always ask me to go out with them to the movies and I just can't do it; I feel way too pathetic tagging along with my parents. Before I'd go just on free movie status, but now I just can't do it. On the money tip, first thing I do when my financial aid comes in is get new tires and have the dealership check my car out for any issues. I keep good maintenance with my car but it's better to be safe than sorry. I do a fuckton of driving when school/work kicks up so my car has to be on point.

If nothing else, it actually feels nice to write all this down.