Time to get back into this
I used to just write all of the time and then I somehow got away from it, like it was indecent to expose my thoughts to the minimal audience this journal receives. It's always been just for me and it's therapeutic so I'm going to try to get back into regular entries. Life is different now; kids are really draining, especially when they don't sleep through the night. I have a daily schedule of exercising myself, the dog and the baby since that is what keeps all of us happy. That is generally followed up by some studying for my licensure exam and lots of general housework and baby entertaining. I do love this life but it's a drastic change from how I viewed myself living. Kids are really rough; anyone who tells you differently is either lying or just dead inside. There are certainly good moments, I wouldn't go back and make a different choice but I'm just a different me; a once awesome person who kind of died but also loves the new things I get to do with the kids. It's really hard. I have a difficult job but I went to grad school for a decade to do a theoretically much harder job that I feel I do well....but it's on hold for now until I pass this exam and the kid sleeps through the night. It's funny, the thing that only a few people get the opportunity to do, I'm happy with and the thing that everyone can do, it's so fucking hard I feel challenged, guilty and failing regularly. I think they call that post partum depression but it's a legit thing. Everyone needs you all the time and you give and give and you're just out of it. My brain dies. At the same time I feel like superwoman sometimes.....I get up at the crack of dawn and take a pitbull and a baby on a 3 mile walk, come home and study horribly boring/difficult aspects of psychology I never use like I/O or stats, and then keep the house clean and care for a baby....and then I feel bad somehow at the end of the day that I didn't do that one or two things I intended to do. I just need to chill.....and more tequila.