It's About Time
time is creeping behind me
surrounding around me
claiming the words so desperately
now give me a reason that i can believe in
time is something you cant rewind
I feel as if time is whirling past me like a tornado, and close my eyes and stumble forward to greet the dirt-filtrated gusts of wind in my face. Caught behind this overwhemlingly tall brick wall, I am gazing through the window behind closed bars, and somehow I desperately cry out for a voice. A voice to guide me, a voice to help me make the right decisions. A voice that wil guide me, blinded and deaf, around the potholes and obstacles in life. I know that life isn't always going to be easy. And while the rewards may be gratifying, I know that what lies ahead in order to achieve the rewards will be hard and difficult.
But really, I don't think im actually intimidated by what lies ahead. No. I'm phased out as it is, and I know whats ahead - I'm expecting it, and I'm expecting to collide with it head-on. No. What scares me the most is the possibility of making new friendships, and the possibility of losing the potential of old ones. Love is often a fickle subject - its quite delicate and any slipup could scar the heart for life. For the past two years I've kept in contact with him, and we've been on very good terms. Now, I don't know whether it was out of pity, out of sympathy, or out of pure genuine generosity, but I just know that we've been close. And his signals are so confusing - so I don't know what to make of them. I don't know whether to live in this little fantasy world, or just dunk my head into a bathtub and wake up. I don't know if he really is just subtle and whether we still have something real, or whether all of this is just make up in my head. Infatuation, he called it. Maybe it was the fantasies and the false illusions that kept my spirits high for the past 2 years. Living in my own world, Isolated from everyone else, I often led myself to believe that there was still hope for something more. Whenever I see him, I feel that same intense connection we had two years ago. But yet, at the same time, the more frequently I see him, I realize that I am stable and that I have the ability to move on. I think i do- since the thought of the past doesn't bring me to tears anymore. I think I am growing stronger each and every time I see him, but I'm still taking baby steps, when I need to still make leaps before I am ready.
I don't know what to do about it. Maybe, once again, I am exaggerating this and blowing this up way out of proportion. Perhaps there is something between us - I don't think I'll ever find out. I just know that sooner or later, realistically, I'll probably have to move on and, deal with it. But I'm not sure if I'm ready to forget just yet. I don't know if I'll have the courage to move on. I don't know if I'm ready to face to truth - and at this point, I don't know if that'll ever happen. But I want to figure this out soon.
I want to finally make a decision because now we are going to the same school. The renewed hope that flashes in my mind, bringing me back to old conversations of the "unlikeliness of ever meeting again unless we go to the same university." We knew back then that the odds of that happening were slim. But it happened. And now we have the opportunity to attempt to form a relationship that we didn't have the opportunity to form two years ago. But now, we're not sure if we want to do that. I'm not sure if I want to, because I'm not sure if he wants to. But now that I'm stuck in this sticky situtaion, I guess the next question is, now what?
And I say
I say goodbye to you
I say hi to you
Wthout a clue its about time
That i make up my mind