When Stars Align On Borrowed Time - Kris x Tao - 3/3
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For the following days they try to do whatever they can on the list - riding bikes together, getting a (temporary) tattoo together because the Huangs will kill Yifan if Tao gets a permanent tattoo. Tao is even able to drag Yifan to the musical 'Rent' being played downtown regardless of how much Yifan tried to bail himself out of watching it.
Before they know it, another month has gone by between them.
It's a Saturday and they're both lying on the grass in their secret place that morning. Tao turns to his side so he can face Yifan, "You missed last Thursday's support meeting. I was trying to contact you via radio and you weren't responding. Did something happen?"
"Sort of." Yifan grunts, "That man is back from the dead."
"Your dad? Why?"
"My mom called him. He's a doctor, did I tell you that?"
Tao shakes his head, no. He looks at Yifan questioningly and Yifan shrugs his shoulders, "Nothing serious. Don't worry."
"Are you... Sure? Your dad comes back out of the blue..."
Yifan leans on his shoulders and looks at his boyfriend, "Not really out of the blue. He comes every 3 months. He was there in Canada for a while too. It's not like he really took himself out of my life, I just never acknowledge his existence anymore."
"If... If you say so."
"Hey, if there's one thing you really, really wanna do on our bucket list, what would it be?"
"Hmn..." Tao sits up and places himself on Yifan's lap, "Well... Let's see..." Tao takes the notepad on the ground and the both of them looks at it, Yifan chuckles and looks at his boyfriend, "Well, mine's no. 5. No questions asked."
Tao laughs and hits him lightly on the shoulder, "Bad boyfriend!"
Yifan smiles and places a kiss on Tao's lips, "How long have we been dating? 2? 3 months? This is the first time you actually called me your boyfriend."
Tao turns red and bites his lower lip, "D... Don't you like it when I call you my boyfriend?"
"Quite the contrary. I love it. I love you."
Tao smiles and wraps his arms around Yifan's neck, "I can't answer the question of how long we've been together already, Yifan. Every day spent with you is infinity."
"So, what do we do next?" Yifan eyes the notepad and Tao sighs, "I really want to do the roadtrip but as if mama and papa will let us."
"I'll talk to them. Privately, if you'd let me."
"Why won't you let me come with you?"
"Because you're whiney and you'll end up throwing a tantrum."
"Hmph. You know me too well."
"Of course. So, should I ask for your parents' permission now?"
Tao nods and jumps off of Yifan. He drags Yifan across the fields so they can reach the impala and get started on the roadtrip Tao really wants to do.
When they arrive at the Huangs, Yifan tells Tao to stay in his room while he talks to his parents. "Why so secretive?" Tao asks before he enters his bedroom. Yifan just grins and pushes him inside. "I will know if you eavesdrop."
Tao stomps his feet and Yifan chuckles, "You're whining already."
"Okay! Okay..." Tao pouts and heads inside the room. Yifan ruffles his hair before the older returns to the living room where the Huangs are waiting for him. Tao waits inside his room for at least 15 minutes before he dozes off unconsciously.
It must be about 30 minutes later when he feels someone nudging him awake. He blinks rapidly and Yifan is looking at him with a huge smile on his face, "What did they say?" Tao asks and Yifan pinches his nose. "Of course they said yes. I'm a charmer, remember?"
"When do we leave?"
"Well, your dad is nice enough to provide me a place we can go and your mom already called for a room. So, I guess you can start packing now?"
"You were able to ask them for all of that?"
"Yeah! Go! Pack and then we'll drop by my house to get my stuff."
Tao jumps off the bed and starts to rummage his closet, "Wait, how long are we staying there?"
"We'll come home on Monday."
"Alright." Tao smiles and starts to pack. Twenty minutes later, the couple gets out of the room, Tao turns to his parents who are waiting for them in the living room, "What did he tell you?"
"That you really wanna go to the beach." His father tells his son, Tao raises an eyebrow and turns to his mother, "What about my maintenance check-up tomorrow?"
"I had you scheduled on Tuesday." His mother smiles at him then looks at Yifan, "Have fun, both of you."
"Yeah. We'll do that." Yifan steps closer to Tao's parents and hugs both of them. Tao clears his throat because it's weird that they're hugging; the both of them are just going to the beach.
They tell their goodbyes to his parents and they drive to Yifan's house. The older tells him to just stay in the car and he nods. When Yifan doesn't come out 20 minutes later, Tao decides to get out of the car and walk to the door. He's about to knock when the door opens, "I told you to stay in the car."
"I'm sorry. You were taking too long."
"It's alright. Come on."
"Yifan!" His mother calls out and Yifan turns to her. He sighs, "Mother, please."
"Is something wrong?" Tao asks in a whisper and Yifan shakes his head, "Mother, we promised each other."
The older woman sighs in defeat and walks over to them. She gives her son a lingering hug and then gives Tao a peck on the cheek, "Make good memories, alright?"
"Yes, ma'am..." Tao mumbles and then Yifan is waving goodbye and pulling him out of the house. It's when they're driving that Tao finally asks Yifan what's bothering him, "What's with our parents hugging you?"
"What? Don't tell me you're jealous of them?"
"I'm not! Don't be silly! I'm just wondering..."
Yifan laughs and pinches Tao's cheek, "Oh, love. I'm just really huggable, I mean, I'd hug myself all day too if it won't make me look crazy."
"You're unbelievable."
-----
The drive to the resort takes them at least four hours and they immediately head to their room, "This is beautiful! My parents really paid for this?"
"Yeah. But for the record, I insisted on paying, okay?"
"Wow... We have a beach front view. So pretty!" Tao exclaims. He jumps excitedly and Yifan hugs him from behind, "You're really happy with this."
"Yes!" He turns to Yifan to give the other a kiss on the cheek, "I never go out of our town. It's more wonderful since I'm here with you."
Yifan hums in response before pulling Tao, "Come on. Late lunch and we can take a stroll by the seashore."
"We're crossing out a lot of things from our list just by being here!" Tao adds and happily follows Yifan out of the room.
Once they finish their lunch, the couple heads out to take a walk by the beach hand in hand. The water is nice as it hits their barefeet, "So, this is like our little Amsterdam, huh?" Tao asks and Yifan nods, "Though it's very unlikely we'll meet John Green here."
Tao laughs and holds Yifan's hand tighter, "That's true." They keep walking in silence until Tao notices something being set up a few feet away from where they're standing, "What is that?"
"Looks like they're setting up a stage." Yifan answers and then Tao is pulling him to the direction of the stage. A woman in bikini immediately hands Yifan a flyer when he gets close, "There'll be a reggae concert tonight! It's gonna be fun! And it's free!" She tells them and winks at Yifan, "I hope to see you there later, handsome!" She smiles flirtatiously at him before walking away.
"Is she serious?!" Tao exclaims, "What? Didn't she see me?"
"Aww. My peach is jealous!" Yifan teases and Tao only huffs in anger when he notices that the woman is walking back. Yifan doesn't notice her because Tao suddenly pulls him down for a kiss, "You're only mine."
"Of course I am." Yifan laughs and kisses him again. When they pull back, Tao smiles at Yifan and to himself because the woman is finally out of sight. "Hey, Zitao..."
"Hmn?"
"Is it okay if we go back to our room first? I'm a little exhausted."
"Sure."
Yifan immediately takes a nap when they arrive in their room while Tao busies himself by watching TV. He notices how short Yifan's breathing is, but decides that it must be just because he's really exhausted from driving and taking a walk right after lunch.
Yifan wakes maybe 2 hours later with Tao cuddling next to him. He runs his fingers through Tao's hair and he likes how it feels soft yet prickly against his fingertips. The younger groans and wakes up when he feels his boyfriend's hand's movement on his head.
"You wake up so easily, love."
"And you are a heavy sleeper..." Tao mumbles as he hugs Yifan closer. Yifan runs his hand down the younger's back and Tao chuckles a bit, "Didn't think you're a cuddler nor are you ticklish."
"Didn't know. Nobody's been this intimate with me before." Tao leans up to kiss Yifan by his jaw before sitting up, "I'm hungry."
"That's a really fast transition from cuddling to dinner."
"Well, because I am....?"
"Let me take a shower." Yifan jumps off the bed and rummages his bag for his change of clothes before he runs to the bathroom. Tao decides to turn on the TV again to pass the time.
He doesn't notice how much time passes by until Yifan walks out of the bathroom in only his lose cotton pants and a towel around his neck, "Aren't you gonna shower, too?"
Tao averts his eyes from lingering too much on Yifan's half-nakedness and turns back to the TV, "I already had shower before I dozed off."
"I see. Let me dry my hair and we can go find some place to eat."
"Alright." Tao tells him but his attention is stolen by Yifan's bare back facing him and his heart races a little inside his chest. Tao turns away and immediately jumps off the bed because seeing Yifan like this is making him feel things and yeah, things. He grabs Yifan's shirt and tosses it to his boyfriend, "I'm really hungry now. Put on your shirt and let's go."
"But my hair!"
"Don't be a girl." Tao smirks and takes the key before rushing out of the room. Yifan comes out a few seconds later with his wallet while putting on his shirt. Yifan stares at Tao before heading back inside the room and returns with Tao's cardigan with him, "We're watching the concert, right? You're gonna get cold."
"Oh. Thanks." Tao smiles and extends his hand, Yifan locks the door behind him before taking Tao's hand in his.
The dinner is light and refreshing at the same time. They walk along the beach after until they reach the place where the concert is being held. "It looks fun!" Tao exclaims and Yifan nods. Tao drags Yifan nearer but not exactly amongst the crowd.
They start off by just quietly listening to the beat of the drums and the strum of the guitars, minutes later they're swaying their bodies to the music.
Not long after, the crowd increases and the both of them are pushed further in - joining the concert-goers who are all out dancing to the beat. Yifan and Tao looks at each other with a smile before they start bumping hips and doing their own silly dance moves as if they're not in a crowd, as if nobody's watching, as if they're dancing inside their own private dance floor.
Other concert goers start to dance randomly around them, some even pulling Tao and dancing with him, or some pushing Yifan to Tao so that the both of them can dance closer as the music plays live onstage. They laugh with the locals, cheer with the drinkers, and enjoy the night with the crowd. They stay amongst the audience for more than an hour before Yifan pulls on Tao's wrist and drags him to the back. Tao smiles at Yifan when his cardigan is placed over his shoulder and the sleeves are pulled by Yifan to bring him closer to the older.
Yifan puts Tao's hand around his neck and then places his own hand on the younger's waist. The older then presses their foreheads together and he leads Tao to dance slowly with him even if they're not in tuned with the reggae music playing.
"You look like you're having fun..." Yifan whispers into his ear and Tao agrees, "I am, aren't you?"
"Of course. There's no reason not to be." Yifan pulls back to look at Tao, "You look so beautiful when you're happy."
"All thanks to you. You make me the happiest."
Yifan leans closer and kisses him. At the back of the cheering and dancing crowd; amidst the deafening music, they kiss. Tao wraps his arms around Yifan's neck while the other pulls him closer by the waist. As they kiss, passion grows and soon enough tongues are dancing in their mouths and moans are escaping between their lips. The younger pulls Yifan closer, almost dragging him down and the other has to brace himself so that the both of them don't fall flat on the sand. Tao gasps when he feels Yifan's growing erection brush against his thigh, he puts one hand on the other's chest and Yifan immediately pulls away, "I'm sorry. I'm stopping... I'm stopping."
"I-it's not that..." Tao whispers as he looks at Yifan and the other is surprised to see how dillated Tao's eyes are and how the other is still panting from across him. The younger bites his lower lip and stares at Yifan as he speaks, "I... I don't think I want to do it here. In public..."
"Oh." Is Yifan's only response before he's dragging Tao back to their hotel. He immediately pulls Tao into a searing kiss when they make it back to their room and hands are already touching each of their skin.
"Y... Yifan..." Tao moans out the other's name as they keep kissing and taking off each other's clothes. Yifan throws off Tao's cardigan to the floor and cuts the kiss to remove both their shirts, "Scar..." Tao brushes a finger across a prominent scar in the middle of Yifan's chest, the blond smiles and kisses the scar on the right side of Tao's chest, "You have one, too..."
Tao turns his face away from Yifan and bites his lower lip, "M... Mine's ugly and bruised."
"It's beautiful..." Yifan kisses the scar and then turns Tao's head to kiss him on the lips. "It helped you survive. You're alive. I met you..." Yifan kisses Tao's scar again before latching his lips with Tao's own. He puts his hands on the back of the younger's knees and lifts him up; the other wraps his legs around Yifan's waist and the latter carries him towards the bed without cutting off the kiss. Yifan gently puts Tao on the bed and strokes his sides before he pulls away from their lip lock, "I..." Yifan starts with his breath short and ragged, "I need to know if you're ready..."
Tao nods his head without breaking his gaze away from the other, "Yes. Yes, I am..."
"Oh... Okay." Yifan smiles at Tao and removes himself on top of him. He rummages his backpack for the lube and condoms before returning to bed with Tao. The younger giggles when the other places the items on the bedside table, "Were you expecting this?"
Yifan brushes the tip of his nose from Tao's navel, leaving butterfly kisses until he reaches his ear and whispers, "No... But I was hoping..."
Tao brushes his face against the side of Yifan's face, "Kiss me..." He breathes out and Yifan immediately kisses him full on the lips and explores the younger's mouth with his tongue. His hand pinches one of Tao's nipples making the younger moan while his other hand works on removing both of their pants and underwear.
"Yifan!" Tao yelps when the older takes his hard cock around his hand, "Love, it's just me..."
Tao nods his head and he pulls Yifan for another kiss while the other works on pumping his cock. He moans in pleasure, calling out Yifan's name over and over, "Yifan... I'm..." Tao groans as he feels a sensation build up in his groin, Yifan nuzzle his neck and licks his ear, "Come for me, love..." He whispers, his hand going faster as he pumps Tao's cock. "Yifan...!" Tao screams the other's name when he comes in Yifan's hand a few moments after. Yifan stares down at Tao who's looking spent yet lovely all at the same time.
Tao tries to catch his breath as he keeps his eyes closed. He opens them and looks at Yifan when the blond spreads his legs and puts it on his waist, "Zitao, please relax for me..."
"I... I think I already am..." Tao smiles as he looks at Yifan who's already coating his fingers with lube. Tao hisses and bites his lower lip when Yifan pushes a finger inside. "Are you okay...?" Yifan asks and Tao nods his head, "Just bear with it for a while..."
Yifan pushes his finger in and out of Tao, the younger moans and arches his back when Yifan adds another finger. "Are you hurt? Are you in pain?" Yifan asks when he adds the third finger. He pushes in deeper, the other gasps in pleasure, Yifan leans down to kiss him, "Tell me if it hurts, Zitao..." Tao shakes his head with his lower lip caught between his teeth, "I... I want more..."
Yifan removes his fingers and takes the condom. Tao sits up and takes it away from him, "I'm pretty sure we're okay without it..." The younger leans closer and kisses Yifan briefly, "I want to feel every bit of you inside me..."
"Alright..." Yifan tries to push Tao back on the bed but the other stops him, "I want to try something..." Tao mumbles before he turns both their bodies around and pushes Yifan onto the bed. The older boy just watches as Tao sits between his legs and takes Yifan's erected cock in his hand, "Let me... Okay?" Tao smiles at Yifan before he positions his prepared hole on the tip of his lover's cock. He slowly pushes himself down while Yifan holds him by his pelvic area. It takes a while of getting used to the fullness he feels of Yifan slowly filling him up but eventually, the older boy's cock is inside him balls deep.
"Zitao... This is how I first met you.."
Tao giggles and then rolls his hips, "I don't think I remember having you inside me when I first met you."
"God, Huang Zitao... You tease." Yifan bucks his hips and Tao moans lustfully. The younger responds by lifting himself up and pushing down slowly at first; Yifan won't have it and thrusts halfway as Tao rides him faster and harder. Yifan wraps his arms around Tao and pulls him down before flipping their positions again. The older turns Tao sideways and lifts a leg up his shoulder and continues to thrust inside the younger as his free hand pumps Tao's cock in sync with his minstrations inside his younger boyfriend.
They both moan out each other's names over and over. Tao screams louder this time when he reaches his 2nd orgasm. The clenching of his muscles around Yifan's cock sends the older over the edge and fills Tao fully after a few more thrusts.
Yifan plops down on top of Tao almost lifelessly and lazily kisses the younger all over his face, "I love you, Huang Zitao. I'll forever be in love with you..."
"I love you, too..." Tao breathes out and kisses the side of Yifan's face. The older gives Tao another kiss on the lips before pulling out of him. "You're a trooper..." Yifan whispers before he lies next to Tao and pulls the younger in a tight embrace.
-----
Tao wakes up the next morning cuddled in Yifan's arms. The older boy is still asleep and he decides to wake him up, "Yifan..."
Yifan grunts and slowly opens his eyes, "Hey..."
"I've been meaning to ask..."
"What is it?" Yifan shifts to a more comfortable position, Tao presses his cheek harder on Yifan's chest, "Yifan... Was there somebody else before me?"
"Nobody as serious as this." Yifan runs his fingers through Tao's hair and continues, "I've had flings, and I've dated. I was young and reckless once. Cancer changed everything, I became more serious with life and with how I deal with other people."
Tao is silent for a bit before reluctantly looking up to meet Yifan's gaze, "H... Have you done this with anybody?"
"With a girl. You're my first boy."
"Oh." Tao looks down and Yifan watches as the younger runs a finger on the scar on his chest, Yifan smirks and nudges the other, "Jealous?"
"I don't know. I'm wondering if I should have fooled around with random people, too."
Yifan lifts Tao so that the younger is straddling him, "I would be really jealous of that though." The older runs his finger on Tao's bare chest, "I take so much pride that I'm your first, and your only."
Tao gasps when Yifan's hands leave feather touches on his thighs and sides, "I'm proud that I'm the only one who can turn you like this..." Yifan then pulls Tao into a kiss, "And I'm the only one who's touched your lips."
Tao chuckles and presses himself closer to Yifan, "Selfish."
"Only when it comes to you..."
They spend the morning making love in their room and the later part of the day lounging under the sun or swimming in the water. By late afternoon, the two of them decide to walk through the long stretch of the beach.
"Wow! Yifan! We must try that!" Tao suddenly exclaims and points to a cliff where some people are screaming and jumping off of it.
"You? Really?"
Tao nods with a smile, "We're dying soon, anyway!"
Yifan kisses Tao softly on the lips, "Right. We're dying soon."
"I... Is something wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong." Yifan smiles and kisses Tao again, "Come on!"
They climb the trek towards the cliff. Yifan watches as Tao's face brighten as they get near the edge where the people are diving. "This is crazy..." Tao exclaims then pulls on Yifan, they watch a girl jump off and then pop her head out of the water. Tao turns to Yifan excitedly, "I'll go first!"
The younger kisses Yifan first before running and jumping off the cliff. Yifan watches Tao as he screams and plummets down underwater. "YIFANNNN! COME ON!!!"
Yifan takes a deep breath before jumping off the cliff to follow Tao to the water. "I LOVE YOU HUANG ZITAO!!!" He screams all the way down and Tao can't help but laugh. He swims towards Yifan and wraps his arms around the other as they drift under the rocks, "You're crazy..."
"Just wanted to make sure you know what I feel in case I died." Yifan chuckles and kisses Tao passionately.
"Hey..." Tao purrs and Yifan hums, the younger bites his lower lip and bats his lashes at Yifan, "You think we can do something crazier...?"
Yifan looks around and it seems that the people from earlier has left and the sky is getting darker due to the setting sun, the blond turns too Tao with a grin, "I guess we can." Yifan backs Tao against the rocks and locks the younger's legs on his waist.
They make love in the water, even if it burns and hurts for the both of them but they are to engrossed with each other to actually care. When they both get down from their sexual high, Tao hugs Yifan tight, "I love you. I really, really love you."
"You're crying... Did I hurt you...?"
Tao shakes his head, "No. I'm just really in love with you..."
Yifans stays silent for a moment before he kisses the top of Tao's head. "I feel the same way. Come on, let's go back to our room."
They swim back to the shore and quietly returns to their room where they take a peaceful shower together. They have their dinner inside their room and they lie on the bed in silence. Tao falls asleep immediately and Yifan turns to his side and watches his young lover. He brushes the back of his hand on Tao's cheek, traces it down to his neck where he has left a number of love marks.
'I love you, Huang Zitao. I'm so sorry...'
-----
It's three days later after their quick rendezvous on the beach and they're back home. It's one afternoon when Yifan and Tao has invited Baekhyun out to play basketball with them. The Korean boy is resting by the bench and checking his phone when he hears a heavy thud and a loud scream.
"HYUNG! CALL FOR AN AMBULANCE!!!"
Baekhyun immediately calls the emergency hotline as he runs to Tao who's cradling Yifan's head on his lap. "My friend's fainted! Please, come immediately! We're at the gym on 24th street!" Baekhyun ends the call and turns to Tao, "They'll be here in 5 minutes! What happened?!"
"I don't know..." Tao is already sobbing, "He was trying to steal the ball from me and then he just suddenly fainted!"
"He'll be okay..." Baekhyun pats Tao's shoulder before dialling Yifan's mother's phone number.
"Yifan... Yifan..." Tao keeps shaking Yifan awake but to no avail, "Stop fooling around...!"
Tao and Baekhyun hear the sound of sirens coming and a number of paramedics rush to them. Yifan is placed on a stretcher and they put an oxygen mask on him - much to Tao's horror. "My... My Yifan! Is he going to be okay??!" He asks and a paramedic turns to him, "We won't know for sure. We're taking him to the hospital."
"I'm going with you! Hyung! Drive his car and follow us!" Tao tells Baekhyun before boarding the ambulance.
When they arrive at the hospital, Yifan is rushed to the emergency room and Tao is left outside. He doesn't even care that he loathes hospitals because something is happening to his Yifan and there's nothing he can do about it.
"Tao!"
Tao turns to the voice and finds Yifan's mother running to him, "Where's he?!"
"E.R..." Tao mumbles and Yifan's mother cries and hugs Tao, "My baby... Please don't take him yet..."
"What... What's going on?" Tao mumbles and Yifan's mother just hugs him tighter, "Please... I need to know what's going on..."
Yifan's mother pulls Tao onto a bench and holds both his hands, "Please don't hate Yifan for not telling you immediately..."
"Tell me what...?"
"He didn't want me to tell you but... We found out he's having recurrence a few days after Chanyeol's funeral. His tumor has started growing again and the doctor tried to stop the growth through radiation but it won't stop growing..."
Tao is already quietly crying as he listens, Yifan's mother continues, "We tried chemotheraphy again but he's stopped responding to any medication. His doctor gave him two months at most, if he won't be physically active, shorter if he does otherwise. My baby decided not to take any more medicine and he said he just wants to spend his healthier days with you..."
Tao panics and starts to sob erratically, "And I kept him out! I exhausted him!"
"Tao, no. If anything, you kept him feeling more alive than ever..."
Tao hugs Yifan's mother and cries harder. It must have been only a few minutes when someone calls his name.
"Tao!" Baekhyun calls and runs to him, Tao releases himself from Mrs. Wu and hugs Baekhyun, "He's dying..."
Baekhyun starts cursing and crying as he hugs Tao tighter, "Fucking hypocrite. And he was mad at Chanyeol for lying yet he's the same. We fell in love with assholes..."
Tao keeps crying until he falls asleep in Baekhyun's arms and Mrs. Wu's comforting words.
It's two hours later when Tao is shaken awake by Mrs. Wu. She's smiling at him but her eyes tell otherwise, "He's awake. He wants to see you."
Tao nods. Baekhyun pats him on the shoulder, "Stay calm, Tao. Don't be like me. I almost murdered Chanyeol when I found out."
Tao smiles and nods, "I'll try not to do the same." The young Chinese walks slowly to Yifan's room, he takes a deep breath before opening the door. Yifan is lying on the bed with his face turned to him, "Zitao... I..."
"Don't say anything. I'm still thinking of what to do or say to you."
It's only a few seconds but it could be a lifetime of silence between them. Tao thinks his whole life is slipping away because Yifan is dying. Tao breathes faster because Yifan is his life, and he is dying and there might only be a few weeks, days, hours even, left for the two of them and Tao's feet march towards Yifan and he starts kissing him, embracing him, and pulling him close.
"... Yifan." Tao starts, "Why didn't you tell me?" The younger stares at the other. Yifan smiles and puts a hand on Tao's cheek, "If you knew, we'll never finish our bucket list..."
"Stupid..." Tao mumbles in a sob. Yifan chuckles, "If you knew, I'm sure you'll keep me cooped inside and I'll die bored. We did a lot and I'm happy. I'll die---"
"Stop saying that!" Tao cuts him off and starts crying frantically, "How dare you...? How dare you do this to me? You said you're gonna fight it again! Aren't you supposed to be my superhero?"
"I'm so sorry..."
Tao hugs Yifan and it's only then that he notices that Yifan's lost weight, and he feels lighter, "It really isn't your fault."
Yifan chuckles and hugs Tao tighter, "It's not the fault in our stars, either."
Tao buries his head on Yifan's shoulder and cries silently, "Then I guess I can't blame anyone..."
"You didn't really have to." Yifan kisses the side of Tao's face, "I'm really glad I did all those things with you, but I regret one thing..."
"What is it?"
"I made you believe in a forever that doesn't exist."
Tao pulls himself back and stares at Yifan with tear-stricken eyes, "Because it doesn't. We only have tomorrow, Yifan." Tao kisses Yifan briefly and returns to staring at him, "We will always have tomorrow."
The first two days of Yifan's stay in the hospital doesn't seem less than an ordinary patient suffering food poisoning or something. Except that he doesn't have an appetite, and he throws up anything shoved down his throat and he finds it hard to breathe normally.
When Tao arrives on the third day, Yifan is fast asleep with a cannula attached to his nose. Tao sits next to Mrs. Wu and leans his head on his shoulder, "H... How is he?"
Mrs. Wu takes Tao's hand and holds him tight, "Well, the tumor is getting bigger and it's affecting his lungs. He still won't respond to any medicine and all the pain relievers have to be injected in him just so he can take them."
"But it won't keep him alive, won't it...?" Tao asks bluntly without taking his eyes off Yifan, "It only masks the pain of dying..."
Mrs. Wu is silent for a moment, she knows that Tao is right, she also knows that Tao was an angry and depressed child, according to what Yifan has told her from before. She kisses the back of his hand, "I'm going to step out for a bit, okay?"
"Yes, Mrs. Wu."
When Yifan's mother leaves, Tao walks to the bed and sits on it. He stares at Yifan fast asleep and he takes his hand in his, "I love you. I love you, Yifan..." He kisses the palm of Yifan's hand and starts sobbing quietly with Yifan's hand pressed against his cheek. He flicks his eyes open when Yifan's thumb traces circles on his cheek.
"I love you, too."
"Please don't die." Tao pleads and cries on Yifan's chest, "Please don't die..."
"I'll be alive in your memories."
"Yifan..."
Yifan doesn't say anything but he starts sobbing. He hugs Tao against him and it hurts to see Tao like this, because if he can, he won't die. He won't leave Tao, not ever.
Tao leans up and wipes away Yifan's tears, "I made you cry..." The younger kisses Yifan, "I'm going to stop now. It's bad for us both to be like this..."
"I just... I'm gonna lose you, too. I don't know if I have loved you enough, if I have loved you less." Yifan continues to cry, "Before today, I never questioned anybody why it had to be me and you, but now, I know why Chanyeol didn't fear dying, he feared making Baekhyun unhappy."
"Yifan..."
The blond shakes his head, "I'm so sorry, Huang Zitao. I didn't mean to make you unhappy for the remaining life that you have..."
"Stupid." Tao sobs again and kisses Yifan, "You make me the happiest."
They embrace each other in silent sobs and they stay locked together for who knows how long when the door opens. The both of them looks up to see Baekhyun standing by the doorway.
"Did I interrupt anything?"
Tao shakes his head and gestures Baekhyun to come inside. "I brought what you wanted me to find. It was a chore but I got it!"
"What is it?" Yifan asks and Baekhyun hands over what seemed like Japanese paper folded inside a small plastic. Tao smiles at Yifan and shows him his notepad, "There's only 3 left. You think we can cross out another one?"
"Yes. Of course..."
"I talked to his mom already and she talked to the nurses. They can help you to the rooftop tonight and we'll leave you two for a bit." Baekhyun explains and the couple says their thanks. Tao tells Baekhyun that they'll be ready in a bit since it's almost sunset and it's the perfect time for them to do this.
A few minutes later Yifan is assisted towards the rooftop and once the nurses settled his oxygen tank and wheelchair in the middle of the rooftop, the rest of the other people leave the couple alone.
"Let's write our wishes on the lantern, Yifan..." Tao tells him and hands a pen to the older, "Let's not show each other, okay?"
"Okay."
The two of them writes their respective wishes on each side of the paper lantern. When they're done, Tao takes a peek at Yifan's side, "Shall we let it go?"
"Yeah."
"On three. 1... 2... 3."
The couple releases the paper lantern and it flies up above the darkened skies. The couple watches as it turns and goes higher and smaller until it looks like a star in the sky. "I love you, Zitao."
Tao smiles and hugs Yifan, "I love you, too."
The nurses return and one of them goes to take Yifan back to his room. Tao joins them and when they return, Baekhyun and his mom are inside. Baekhyun turns to them with a question, "Did it fly?"
"Yeah. Thank you for buying it for us."
"No problem."
Tao turns to Yifan who's already lying back on the bed, "Tomorrow, Yifan?"
"Tomorrow, Zitao."
Tao smiles and kisses Yifan's cheek, "I'll come back tomorrow."
Tao and Baekhyun say their goodbyes before they both leave the hospital for the day.
'I wish for an infinite tomorrow with you. - Tao'
'Let me stay by his side a little longer... - Yifan'
-----
When Tao arrives the next day he's surprised to find Yifan out of his hospital gown and in his casual clothes, "What's going on?"
"I'm granted one day to get out of the hospital. Drive for me?"
"Are you suicidal?"
"Love, I know you won't let me die. And if it does happen, we're together."
"Asshole." Tao chuckles and hugs Yifan, "Are the nurses coming with us?"
"Minseok and Kyungsoo will."
"Ok."
Minseok and Kyungsoo assist Yifan to his Impala and Tao takes the wheel. The drive is slow and which makes Yifan tease Tao that the younger drives slower than his grandmother. Tao hits the gas and everyone start screaming - including the nurses. They laugh uncontrollably when they finally reach the cemetery where Chanyeol's buried.
The nurses put Yifan on a wheelchair while Tao holds his oxygen tank. He trades the tank with Minseok and tells the nurse he'll push Yifan towards their spot.
They make it to Yifan's grave site and the nurses help Tao lay out a blanket on the grass before they place Yifan on it. When the couple is settled comfortably, both the nurses leave them alone.
"So, why are we here?" Tao asks and Yifan leans closer to kiss him. "Huang Zitao, recite your eulogy for me."
"What?"
"I want to hear it."
Tao shakes his head, "NO."
Yifan kisses Tao again and stares at him, "Tao. I'm dying and we can't deny that anymore. I want to hear it. I want to see you saying those words for me."
Tao hugs Yifan and lies his head on his chest for awhile. After a few seconds, Tao pulls back and stares at Yifan.
"I would never do this to your actual funeral because you know I hate crowd, and people. I hate people, I used to hate people and then came you. Little by little, you changed me, and in the simplest way that you can, you made me happy." Tao stops for a moment and he starts crying but he continues, "You still make me happy, Wu Yifan. You'll never stop making me happy." The younger presses a soft kiss on Yifan's cheek, "You changed me, Yifan. I was hell-bent on withering away even after I got on remission. I hated waking up in the mornings but you made me look forward for another day. I hated the evenings because I needed to say goodbye to you but I loved the mornings when I wake up and see you sleeping next to me, my love." Tao presses a lingering kiss on Yifan's lips then sighs. He looks down on the grass and continues, "Sometimes I wonder though if I did something terrible in my past life since..." Tao cries harder and reaches out to grab onto Yifan's hands, they're cold but the older tightens his hold, "Since whoever is up there made me the happiest person alive when I met you and you loved me, but now He wants to take you away from me. I love you, Yifan. You're the love of my life. You made me look forward to every tomorrow, to every tomorrow's tomorrow and to the infinite tomorrows. I'm glad we did things right in this lifetime, because maybe in our next lives, we can stay together longer, maybe forever." Tao stops speaking and stares at Yifan who's silently crying across him, "Thank you for coming into my life, Wu Yifan. I love you."
Yifan weakly leans closer and hugs Tao who carefully hugs him tighter, "I don't think I'll ever be ready to say goodbye to you, Yifan..."
"Huang Zitao..." Yifan breathes out in between his sobs, "D... Did I leave a mark on you...?"
"More than just a mark, Yifan... You gave me life, you gave me everything..." Tao clenches his fist on the thin material of Yifan's shirt as he cries, "Yifan... Yifan..."
"I'm... I'm glad to have lived just enough to love you and for you to love me back. Thank you for sharing your time with me even just for a while..."
"Can I ask you to stay much, much longer...?"
Yifan kisses the top of Tao's head and hugs him closer, "I'll stay as long as I can..."
-----
But Yifan only stays until 8 days later. 7 hours after his last and very weak radio call with Tao. When the static of his radio activated at 2:08 AM, Tao knows, especially since there's no voice coming from the other end of the frequency, only a soft sobbing of Yifan's mother and the silence. Tao screams and his mother rushes to his room.
"Tao...!!!"
"Mama..." He cries and his mother hugs him, his father is quick to follow with a glass of water, "He... He's gone. My Yifan is gone..."
Tao doesn't know how long he's cried, nor how many times he's said the words because even if he repeatedly told himself that Yifan is gone, he still won't believe it, as if he still needs a little more convincing but it will never be enough. He doesn't remember falling asleep in his parents embrace but he remembers the pain when he wakes up hours later.
He goes to the Wu's place when the morning light comes and Yifan's mother hugs him immediately. There are a few people present since it's only around 7 in the morning. "Do you want to see him?"
Tao nods and Yifan's mother leads him to where his lover lies. Tao turns to Yifan's mother and whispers, "C... Can I have a moment with him alone?"
"Of course, my dear..." Yifan's mother kisses Tao's cheek before asking the other mourners out of the living room. His mother even closes the door behind her just so nobody can disturb Tao.
"I... I asked you to stay longer." Tao starts and chuckles bitterly, "Yet, you do an Augustus Waters on me and dies 8 days later after I said my eulogy. How ironic can you be...?"
Tao stares at Yifan and sighs to himself, "Sometimes I still think you're unfair, do you know that?" He bites his lower lip and chokes back a sob, "W...we were supposed to fight together."
Tao breaks down and slumps to the floor, "Say something... Anything! Yifan!!!"
The door bursts open and Baekhyun runs to Tao's side, "Tao..."
"Baekhyun... He left. He just left me..." The younger clings on to the younger Korean as the shorter male gathers him up in his arms. Baekhyun leads Tao on a couch and lets him cry his eye out. He stays silent the whole time until Tao finally calms down.
Tao never left the wake and his parents check on him everyday for his medicine but the rest of the wake he stays by the coffin and by Mrs. Wu's side. Baekhyun stays with him in the morning and leaves in the afternoon.
Tao sobs silently next to Mrs. Wu and his parents when the funeral comes. When Yifan's mother asks if he's giving a eulogy, he says no and tells her that he already told Yifan everything he wanted to say.
When the funeral is over Tao cries in the backseat of the car while his parents stay silent on the drive home. His mother guides him to his room while his father gets him a glass of water.
"Tao..."
"Please... I need a moment, mom."
"Son, he wouldn't want to see you like this." His father tells him but Tao cries harder, "But he's no longer here! Please... Leave me alone..."
His parents sigh in defeat. They each give him a hug before leaving him inside his bedroom.
-----
For the days that follow, Tao stays in his room reading 'The Fault in our Stars' over and over. He wonders where Hazel Grace found the strength to move on after Augustus Waters then he realizes that Hazel and Gus is no Zitao and Yifan. While Hazel and Gus lives within the pages of the book, he lives in the reality that there is no more Yifan beside him to hold his hand and no more Yifan to kiss, to hug, to love.
It's two weeks later when Tao's mother comes into his room to not just give him his meds but to talk to him.
"Tao, isn't it time you go back to Support group?"
Tao shakes his head without looking up from his book. His mother sighs and sits next to him, "You've been reading the same book everyday. You need to get out of the house, you need to---"
"I don't need to hear his name at the bottom of Sunny's list, mom." Tao tells her sharply but he obviously chokes back a sob, "He's my strongest support, mom. Without him, it's pointless."
"Tao... You're reverting back to your angry self..."
"Because I am, mom." Tao starts to cry more openly then, "I miss him... And I don't know how to deal with this. I thought I'll be ready because I saw it coming but I don't think I can..."
"Tao..." His mother hugs him and Tao cries on her chest, "I miss him, mom..."
Tao never returns to support group again.
-----
"I guess it's really hard, Baekhyun."
"What's hard?"
Tao traces Yifan's name on the tombstone while they're both sitting on the grass a month after Yifan's death, "I remember you told me it's hard not being able to talk about Chanyeol to your friends. I guess it's hard for me too. You're my only friend, aside from Chanyeol and Yifan."
"Having fun with friends can help ease the pain. I can introduce you to Jongin and Luhan, they're really nice. Maybe one day you can start dating too."
Tao looks at Baekhyun with a smile, "Too? Are you dating somebody now?"
"Y... Yeah. I'm dating someone from my choir group. His name's Jongdae and he makes me happy, too."
"I... I don't think I can replace Yifan."
Baekhyun holds Tao's hand and squeezes it, "You're not gonna replace him, Tao."
Tao doesn't answer. They hear the sound of thunder from a distance and the both of them decides it's time to go home. Tao kisses the marble tombstone goodbye and whispers something to it before leaving.
'See you soon, my love.'
The rain doesn't stop for days and Tao ends up cooped inside his room. It's around noon when he wakes up. He walks to the window to check on the weather but he doesn't get to. He faints with a loud thud on the floor and his mother finds him just in time to wake him up for lunch.
When Tao wakes up, he's greeted by white ceiling and white walls. Moments later, his mother sits next to him with tears in her eyes, "Huang Zitao, is there something you're not telling us?"
Tao shrugs his shoulders and his mother cries more, "Tao... Your doctor just told me how you stopped showing up on your check ups. You promised you'll go. You missed two weeks, Tao. What's happening to you?"
"Mom... I... I'm sorry."
"Are you killing yourself?!"
Tao sobs and shakes his head, "I'm so sorry. I just... Mom... I can't be without Yifan..."
"I can't be without you, Zitao!"
"I'm sorry mom. I really am..." Tao covers his eyes with an arm, "I started throwing up my medicines 2 weeks ago. I didn't want to tell you so that you won't panic. And my selfishness won me over, mom. I love you and dad, but I just... I really love him a lot and at the back of my head..." Tao sniffs and continues, "I want to join him soon, too."
His mother hugs him and cries on his chest, "Tao... Just like him, you stopped responding to medications. I'm going to really lose you this time..."
"I'm so sorry, mom. That's all I can ever say."
"Tao, you should have talked to me. I am your mother..."
"Mom..." Tao hugs her and cries harder on her chest, "I knew from the very beginning ever since I had cancer that there are chances that I will die before you and dad. Mom... I'm sorry if you ever felt like I've drifted away from you but I didn't want you both to feel more attached than ever when I'll be gone sooner than you. I want you to get used to living without me."
"Tao... Why do you apologize? We're your parents. We are supposed to be attached to you."
"You won't be a mother anymore when I'm gone. I'm so sorry..."
"Huang Zitao... Why did you ever think that way...?" Tao's mother kisses him and hugs him tighter, "You are my son, as long as I live, even if I die, you are our son."
"You will always be my mother. I love you..."
Tao falls asleep in exhaustion embraced by his mother. He wakes up the next day to find his father sleeping by his side. Tao runs his frail hands on his father's cheek and the old man jolts awake.
"Did I wake you?" Tao asks and his father shakes his head. "I... I'm sorry, dad."
Tao's father smiles at him sincerely, "Sorry about what?"
"Daddy..." Tao starts to sob and his father hugs him, "Zitao, have I ever told you how much I love you?" Tao nods his head and his father pats his back, "I'm sorry I wasn't expressive enough but when you were born and I first held you in my arms, I cried. When you first smiled, I felt like the king of the world. You were such a tiny baby with tiny hands and feet. I felt like I could put you in my pocket and take you everywhere I go."
Tao chuckles and hugs his father tighter, "I'm almost 6 feet now, dad. I don't think I can fit in your pocket anymore."
"I can put you in a backpack."
"Daddy..."
"When you were growing up, I wanted you to be the best man you can be... But I knew from watching you that you are going to another direction, especially when you started talking more about your boy classmates instead of girls."
"Were you disappointed that your only son is gay?"
"Never." Tao's father hugs him tighter and kisses the top of his head, "I get to have a superhero and a princess at the same time, why should I be disappointed?"
Tao cries harder and buries himself deeper in his father's chest, "You still have the same smile, sure, your hands and feet are larger and you've grown, but you're still the little baby I held, you will always be my little boy."
"I love you, dad..."
"I wanted to be the best man in your life and I never thought I'd just give you to anybody. But Yifan, he loves you so much, and I'm more than happy to give up my seat of being the best to him."
"You're not giving up any seats, dad. Yifan just happened to sit next to you on the 'best boyfriend' chair."
Tao's father kisses his forehead and he sees that his father is crying, "It's not right to bury your children before the parents. I can't bear losing you, Zitao."
Tao wipes the tears on his father's cheeks with his thumbs. His father takes his hands and cradles it near his heart, "Find Yifan in heaven, okay?"
"I will." Tao smiles and hugs his father again.
-----
Tao stays in the hospital and slowly weakens. He doesn't show any sign of health improvements and he just worsens everyday. One time, Baekhyun walks in on him sleeping but smelling of piss, another time his mother finds him throwing up on the floor. Not long after, Tao loses almost half of his weight and loses all his will to live.
Tao is awake when Baekhyun visits him two months since he got admitted to the hospital. "Hi, Tao."
Tao smiles weakly and raises an eyebrow to the guy next to his friend, "Who...?"
Baekhyun smiles, "His name's Jongdae. I mentioned him once, right?"
Tao nods, Jongdae smiles at him. "It's nice to meet you. I'm gonna go now, since Baekhyun said he wants to be with you privately."
"Nice to meet you, too." Tao smiles at him weakly before Jongdae leaves the room. "Where's your mother?" Baekhyun asks.
"Talking to my doctors, maybe..."
Baekhyun rummages his bag and hands a piece of paper to Tao, "H... He told me to give this to you when I find it appropriate."
Tao grabs the paper and starts reading the hand-written letter from Yifan.
'Huang Zitao.
I'll be gone by the time you read this letter and I'm not sure if you're 20 or 70 by now. Wouldn't it be better if we have grown older together? I wonder how you'd look with wrinkles and white hair. Anyway, I'm not sure if you're married now, or if you've remained single. I don't want to think of you married to somebody else, though. See? I'm still selfish even in the afterlife.
I love you, Huang Zitao.
I don't know how many times I've told you that I do, but we never really counted, right?
I wrote this letter because I know I wouldn't be there to give you my eulogy when the time comes but I want you to know that you're the brightest star in my dark sky, you're the light at the end of the tunnel, you're the love of my life.
I don't think I ever said goodbye to you because I know I will see you tomorrow. We don't have forever but we will always have tomorrow, Huang Zitao. I love you, and I told you before that I will always be in love with you - and now, even in death.
I'm so thankful that I met you, Zitao. I guess you never knew my whole past - I was like you, once. I was angry and I hated life. I went to support group because I was starting to feel okay mentally and emotionally. I thought it was a good distraction from my random bouts of rage. I never knew how that very first meeting would change my whole perspective in life and it's all because of you. Did you know that Chanyeol had to check if I was sick after my first attendance? I wasn't that positive about support group a few days prior. Those words of bravery on the first day? I only said those because of you, because for some reason, I wanted to appear strong in your eyes. I wanted to be your superhero.
You told me I changed you, but you never knew that you changed me, too.
So, thank you.
I miss you and I'll see you tomorrow, Huang Zitao.'
Tao cries frantically as he hugs the letter to his chest, "Yifan... My Yifan..."
Baekhyun hugs Tao and cries with him, "Tao..."
"When did he do this...?" Tao sniffs and buries himself deeper into the embrace. "The day after you two went to the gravesite. He trusted me to keep this letter and give it to you someday. I never read it, but he told me he hopes you're old and wrinkly when you do." Baekhyun chokes back a sob and hugs Tao tighter, "But I guess, it's time now, too."
"That guy..." Tao releases himself from Baekhyun and tries to calm himself a little.
"He also gave me this." Baekhyun hands Tao a journal, "Looks like he chronicled your days together and the things that you did. He wrote down some of the things he told you and the things you told him."
Tao turns the pages of the journal and he cries harder this time as he reads how Yifan described their first meeting, their dates, their fight - everything. Baekhyun sighs, "He told me he wants me to cross out some parts of your bucketlist. He hopes that this can be my guide."
Tao is quiet for a while and Baekhyun watches his friend wipe his face with the blanket. When Tao has calmed, he turns to Baekhyun with a soft smile, "We can talk about some of them..."
"Can you still? Aren't you hurting?"
"I'll be fine..."
Tao recalls the things they did and Baekhyun listens most eagerly. In between the stories, Tao becomes a rollercoaster of emotions - he laughs and he cries. Baekhyun gets teary-eyed with the memories they've shared with Chanyeol and also with the memories he witnessed even after Chanyeol died. It takes awhile and Tao realizes how thankful he should be that Yifan made sure to gather a lot of great memories together instead of bad ones.
When Baekhyun leaves a few hours later, Tao reads the letter again. Until before he falls asleep that night, he holds the letter close to his heart.
'See you tomorrow, Yifan...
Huang Zitao dies in his sleep and is pronounced dead at 1:03 AM.
-----
Baekhyun adjusts his position on the grass and Jongdae sits next to him. "Hey, both of you." He starts then brushes the leaves off Yifan's and Tao's tombstones, "Took me 3 years to get this done but the first copy is already out."
Baekhyun places a book between the gravestones, "You always made me your middleman or something."
Jongdae sighs and continues, "I never knew the both of you personally but hearing it from Baek, and reading the drafts, I just can't help but admire the love you both have for each other."
"Tao..." Baekhyun starts, "I guess you never knew how Yifan begged your parents to get you buried next to him. I just hope you two found each other in cancer-free heaven."
Baekhyun pulls out a worn out notepad from his bag and gently scratches off the last two on the list.
"Took a few years, Yifan, Tao, but you finished the bucketlist. I love you both." Baekhyun stands up and takes the book, "I'll come back and bring you another copy, okay?"
Jongdae takes Baekhyun's hand, "Farewell, you two."
Baekhyun reads the gravestones before he leaves, he smiles to himself and whispers, "Yeah. Thank you for tomorrow, for we will always have it."
/end/
-------------------
Author’s Notes: The scar on Yifan’s chest is caused by the removal of his tumor, since the thymic tumor can be found between the lungs. Tao’s scar is caused by the removal of portacath. I did a little research on the types of cancer and I’m sorry if I have missed some important details about it.
Here is Tao and Yifan’s bucket list:
Bucket list:
- Learn how to drive under Yifan's instructions
- Eat as much junk food as we can
- Lay in bed all day
- Sleep over someone else's house.
- Make love with Yifan when I'm ready
- Bake for Yifan
- Get a couple tattoo
- Ride bikes until our legs give up
- Play basketball
- Watch a musical
- Watch a concert
- Dance together
- Go on a roadtrip
- Fly floating lanterns
- Walk by the seashore
- Do something crazy
- Get our lovestory written no matter how cliche we are
- Stay by his side forever
------------------------------------
PART 1 | PART 2 | PART 3
P.S.: Took a while before i posted this here. I hope I didn't butcher the book, and if you think I did, I am so sorry.
For the following days they try to do whatever they can on the list - riding bikes together, getting a (temporary) tattoo together because the Huangs will kill Yifan if Tao gets a permanent tattoo. Tao is even able to drag Yifan to the musical 'Rent' being played downtown regardless of how much Yifan tried to bail himself out of watching it.
Before they know it, another month has gone by between them.
It's a Saturday and they're both lying on the grass in their secret place that morning. Tao turns to his side so he can face Yifan, "You missed last Thursday's support meeting. I was trying to contact you via radio and you weren't responding. Did something happen?"
"Sort of." Yifan grunts, "That man is back from the dead."
"Your dad? Why?"
"My mom called him. He's a doctor, did I tell you that?"
Tao shakes his head, no. He looks at Yifan questioningly and Yifan shrugs his shoulders, "Nothing serious. Don't worry."
"Are you... Sure? Your dad comes back out of the blue..."
Yifan leans on his shoulders and looks at his boyfriend, "Not really out of the blue. He comes every 3 months. He was there in Canada for a while too. It's not like he really took himself out of my life, I just never acknowledge his existence anymore."
"If... If you say so."
"Hey, if there's one thing you really, really wanna do on our bucket list, what would it be?"
"Hmn..." Tao sits up and places himself on Yifan's lap, "Well... Let's see..." Tao takes the notepad on the ground and the both of them looks at it, Yifan chuckles and looks at his boyfriend, "Well, mine's no. 5. No questions asked."
Tao laughs and hits him lightly on the shoulder, "Bad boyfriend!"
Yifan smiles and places a kiss on Tao's lips, "How long have we been dating? 2? 3 months? This is the first time you actually called me your boyfriend."
Tao turns red and bites his lower lip, "D... Don't you like it when I call you my boyfriend?"
"Quite the contrary. I love it. I love you."
Tao smiles and wraps his arms around Yifan's neck, "I can't answer the question of how long we've been together already, Yifan. Every day spent with you is infinity."
"So, what do we do next?" Yifan eyes the notepad and Tao sighs, "I really want to do the roadtrip but as if mama and papa will let us."
"I'll talk to them. Privately, if you'd let me."
"Why won't you let me come with you?"
"Because you're whiney and you'll end up throwing a tantrum."
"Hmph. You know me too well."
"Of course. So, should I ask for your parents' permission now?"
Tao nods and jumps off of Yifan. He drags Yifan across the fields so they can reach the impala and get started on the roadtrip Tao really wants to do.
When they arrive at the Huangs, Yifan tells Tao to stay in his room while he talks to his parents. "Why so secretive?" Tao asks before he enters his bedroom. Yifan just grins and pushes him inside. "I will know if you eavesdrop."
Tao stomps his feet and Yifan chuckles, "You're whining already."
"Okay! Okay..." Tao pouts and heads inside the room. Yifan ruffles his hair before the older returns to the living room where the Huangs are waiting for him. Tao waits inside his room for at least 15 minutes before he dozes off unconsciously.
It must be about 30 minutes later when he feels someone nudging him awake. He blinks rapidly and Yifan is looking at him with a huge smile on his face, "What did they say?" Tao asks and Yifan pinches his nose. "Of course they said yes. I'm a charmer, remember?"
"When do we leave?"
"Well, your dad is nice enough to provide me a place we can go and your mom already called for a room. So, I guess you can start packing now?"
"You were able to ask them for all of that?"
"Yeah! Go! Pack and then we'll drop by my house to get my stuff."
Tao jumps off the bed and starts to rummage his closet, "Wait, how long are we staying there?"
"We'll come home on Monday."
"Alright." Tao smiles and starts to pack. Twenty minutes later, the couple gets out of the room, Tao turns to his parents who are waiting for them in the living room, "What did he tell you?"
"That you really wanna go to the beach." His father tells his son, Tao raises an eyebrow and turns to his mother, "What about my maintenance check-up tomorrow?"
"I had you scheduled on Tuesday." His mother smiles at him then looks at Yifan, "Have fun, both of you."
"Yeah. We'll do that." Yifan steps closer to Tao's parents and hugs both of them. Tao clears his throat because it's weird that they're hugging; the both of them are just going to the beach.
They tell their goodbyes to his parents and they drive to Yifan's house. The older tells him to just stay in the car and he nods. When Yifan doesn't come out 20 minutes later, Tao decides to get out of the car and walk to the door. He's about to knock when the door opens, "I told you to stay in the car."
"I'm sorry. You were taking too long."
"It's alright. Come on."
"Yifan!" His mother calls out and Yifan turns to her. He sighs, "Mother, please."
"Is something wrong?" Tao asks in a whisper and Yifan shakes his head, "Mother, we promised each other."
The older woman sighs in defeat and walks over to them. She gives her son a lingering hug and then gives Tao a peck on the cheek, "Make good memories, alright?"
"Yes, ma'am..." Tao mumbles and then Yifan is waving goodbye and pulling him out of the house. It's when they're driving that Tao finally asks Yifan what's bothering him, "What's with our parents hugging you?"
"What? Don't tell me you're jealous of them?"
"I'm not! Don't be silly! I'm just wondering..."
Yifan laughs and pinches Tao's cheek, "Oh, love. I'm just really huggable, I mean, I'd hug myself all day too if it won't make me look crazy."
"You're unbelievable."
-----
The drive to the resort takes them at least four hours and they immediately head to their room, "This is beautiful! My parents really paid for this?"
"Yeah. But for the record, I insisted on paying, okay?"
"Wow... We have a beach front view. So pretty!" Tao exclaims. He jumps excitedly and Yifan hugs him from behind, "You're really happy with this."
"Yes!" He turns to Yifan to give the other a kiss on the cheek, "I never go out of our town. It's more wonderful since I'm here with you."
Yifan hums in response before pulling Tao, "Come on. Late lunch and we can take a stroll by the seashore."
"We're crossing out a lot of things from our list just by being here!" Tao adds and happily follows Yifan out of the room.
Once they finish their lunch, the couple heads out to take a walk by the beach hand in hand. The water is nice as it hits their barefeet, "So, this is like our little Amsterdam, huh?" Tao asks and Yifan nods, "Though it's very unlikely we'll meet John Green here."
Tao laughs and holds Yifan's hand tighter, "That's true." They keep walking in silence until Tao notices something being set up a few feet away from where they're standing, "What is that?"
"Looks like they're setting up a stage." Yifan answers and then Tao is pulling him to the direction of the stage. A woman in bikini immediately hands Yifan a flyer when he gets close, "There'll be a reggae concert tonight! It's gonna be fun! And it's free!" She tells them and winks at Yifan, "I hope to see you there later, handsome!" She smiles flirtatiously at him before walking away.
"Is she serious?!" Tao exclaims, "What? Didn't she see me?"
"Aww. My peach is jealous!" Yifan teases and Tao only huffs in anger when he notices that the woman is walking back. Yifan doesn't notice her because Tao suddenly pulls him down for a kiss, "You're only mine."
"Of course I am." Yifan laughs and kisses him again. When they pull back, Tao smiles at Yifan and to himself because the woman is finally out of sight. "Hey, Zitao..."
"Hmn?"
"Is it okay if we go back to our room first? I'm a little exhausted."
"Sure."
Yifan immediately takes a nap when they arrive in their room while Tao busies himself by watching TV. He notices how short Yifan's breathing is, but decides that it must be just because he's really exhausted from driving and taking a walk right after lunch.
Yifan wakes maybe 2 hours later with Tao cuddling next to him. He runs his fingers through Tao's hair and he likes how it feels soft yet prickly against his fingertips. The younger groans and wakes up when he feels his boyfriend's hand's movement on his head.
"You wake up so easily, love."
"And you are a heavy sleeper..." Tao mumbles as he hugs Yifan closer. Yifan runs his hand down the younger's back and Tao chuckles a bit, "Didn't think you're a cuddler nor are you ticklish."
"Didn't know. Nobody's been this intimate with me before." Tao leans up to kiss Yifan by his jaw before sitting up, "I'm hungry."
"That's a really fast transition from cuddling to dinner."
"Well, because I am....?"
"Let me take a shower." Yifan jumps off the bed and rummages his bag for his change of clothes before he runs to the bathroom. Tao decides to turn on the TV again to pass the time.
He doesn't notice how much time passes by until Yifan walks out of the bathroom in only his lose cotton pants and a towel around his neck, "Aren't you gonna shower, too?"
Tao averts his eyes from lingering too much on Yifan's half-nakedness and turns back to the TV, "I already had shower before I dozed off."
"I see. Let me dry my hair and we can go find some place to eat."
"Alright." Tao tells him but his attention is stolen by Yifan's bare back facing him and his heart races a little inside his chest. Tao turns away and immediately jumps off the bed because seeing Yifan like this is making him feel things and yeah, things. He grabs Yifan's shirt and tosses it to his boyfriend, "I'm really hungry now. Put on your shirt and let's go."
"But my hair!"
"Don't be a girl." Tao smirks and takes the key before rushing out of the room. Yifan comes out a few seconds later with his wallet while putting on his shirt. Yifan stares at Tao before heading back inside the room and returns with Tao's cardigan with him, "We're watching the concert, right? You're gonna get cold."
"Oh. Thanks." Tao smiles and extends his hand, Yifan locks the door behind him before taking Tao's hand in his.
The dinner is light and refreshing at the same time. They walk along the beach after until they reach the place where the concert is being held. "It looks fun!" Tao exclaims and Yifan nods. Tao drags Yifan nearer but not exactly amongst the crowd.
They start off by just quietly listening to the beat of the drums and the strum of the guitars, minutes later they're swaying their bodies to the music.
Not long after, the crowd increases and the both of them are pushed further in - joining the concert-goers who are all out dancing to the beat. Yifan and Tao looks at each other with a smile before they start bumping hips and doing their own silly dance moves as if they're not in a crowd, as if nobody's watching, as if they're dancing inside their own private dance floor.
Other concert goers start to dance randomly around them, some even pulling Tao and dancing with him, or some pushing Yifan to Tao so that the both of them can dance closer as the music plays live onstage. They laugh with the locals, cheer with the drinkers, and enjoy the night with the crowd. They stay amongst the audience for more than an hour before Yifan pulls on Tao's wrist and drags him to the back. Tao smiles at Yifan when his cardigan is placed over his shoulder and the sleeves are pulled by Yifan to bring him closer to the older.
Yifan puts Tao's hand around his neck and then places his own hand on the younger's waist. The older then presses their foreheads together and he leads Tao to dance slowly with him even if they're not in tuned with the reggae music playing.
"You look like you're having fun..." Yifan whispers into his ear and Tao agrees, "I am, aren't you?"
"Of course. There's no reason not to be." Yifan pulls back to look at Tao, "You look so beautiful when you're happy."
"All thanks to you. You make me the happiest."
Yifan leans closer and kisses him. At the back of the cheering and dancing crowd; amidst the deafening music, they kiss. Tao wraps his arms around Yifan's neck while the other pulls him closer by the waist. As they kiss, passion grows and soon enough tongues are dancing in their mouths and moans are escaping between their lips. The younger pulls Yifan closer, almost dragging him down and the other has to brace himself so that the both of them don't fall flat on the sand. Tao gasps when he feels Yifan's growing erection brush against his thigh, he puts one hand on the other's chest and Yifan immediately pulls away, "I'm sorry. I'm stopping... I'm stopping."
"I-it's not that..." Tao whispers as he looks at Yifan and the other is surprised to see how dillated Tao's eyes are and how the other is still panting from across him. The younger bites his lower lip and stares at Yifan as he speaks, "I... I don't think I want to do it here. In public..."
"Oh." Is Yifan's only response before he's dragging Tao back to their hotel. He immediately pulls Tao into a searing kiss when they make it back to their room and hands are already touching each of their skin.
"Y... Yifan..." Tao moans out the other's name as they keep kissing and taking off each other's clothes. Yifan throws off Tao's cardigan to the floor and cuts the kiss to remove both their shirts, "Scar..." Tao brushes a finger across a prominent scar in the middle of Yifan's chest, the blond smiles and kisses the scar on the right side of Tao's chest, "You have one, too..."
Tao turns his face away from Yifan and bites his lower lip, "M... Mine's ugly and bruised."
"It's beautiful..." Yifan kisses the scar and then turns Tao's head to kiss him on the lips. "It helped you survive. You're alive. I met you..." Yifan kisses Tao's scar again before latching his lips with Tao's own. He puts his hands on the back of the younger's knees and lifts him up; the other wraps his legs around Yifan's waist and the latter carries him towards the bed without cutting off the kiss. Yifan gently puts Tao on the bed and strokes his sides before he pulls away from their lip lock, "I..." Yifan starts with his breath short and ragged, "I need to know if you're ready..."
Tao nods his head without breaking his gaze away from the other, "Yes. Yes, I am..."
"Oh... Okay." Yifan smiles at Tao and removes himself on top of him. He rummages his backpack for the lube and condoms before returning to bed with Tao. The younger giggles when the other places the items on the bedside table, "Were you expecting this?"
Yifan brushes the tip of his nose from Tao's navel, leaving butterfly kisses until he reaches his ear and whispers, "No... But I was hoping..."
Tao brushes his face against the side of Yifan's face, "Kiss me..." He breathes out and Yifan immediately kisses him full on the lips and explores the younger's mouth with his tongue. His hand pinches one of Tao's nipples making the younger moan while his other hand works on removing both of their pants and underwear.
"Yifan!" Tao yelps when the older takes his hard cock around his hand, "Love, it's just me..."
Tao nods his head and he pulls Yifan for another kiss while the other works on pumping his cock. He moans in pleasure, calling out Yifan's name over and over, "Yifan... I'm..." Tao groans as he feels a sensation build up in his groin, Yifan nuzzle his neck and licks his ear, "Come for me, love..." He whispers, his hand going faster as he pumps Tao's cock. "Yifan...!" Tao screams the other's name when he comes in Yifan's hand a few moments after. Yifan stares down at Tao who's looking spent yet lovely all at the same time.
Tao tries to catch his breath as he keeps his eyes closed. He opens them and looks at Yifan when the blond spreads his legs and puts it on his waist, "Zitao, please relax for me..."
"I... I think I already am..." Tao smiles as he looks at Yifan who's already coating his fingers with lube. Tao hisses and bites his lower lip when Yifan pushes a finger inside. "Are you okay...?" Yifan asks and Tao nods his head, "Just bear with it for a while..."
Yifan pushes his finger in and out of Tao, the younger moans and arches his back when Yifan adds another finger. "Are you hurt? Are you in pain?" Yifan asks when he adds the third finger. He pushes in deeper, the other gasps in pleasure, Yifan leans down to kiss him, "Tell me if it hurts, Zitao..." Tao shakes his head with his lower lip caught between his teeth, "I... I want more..."
Yifan removes his fingers and takes the condom. Tao sits up and takes it away from him, "I'm pretty sure we're okay without it..." The younger leans closer and kisses Yifan briefly, "I want to feel every bit of you inside me..."
"Alright..." Yifan tries to push Tao back on the bed but the other stops him, "I want to try something..." Tao mumbles before he turns both their bodies around and pushes Yifan onto the bed. The older boy just watches as Tao sits between his legs and takes Yifan's erected cock in his hand, "Let me... Okay?" Tao smiles at Yifan before he positions his prepared hole on the tip of his lover's cock. He slowly pushes himself down while Yifan holds him by his pelvic area. It takes a while of getting used to the fullness he feels of Yifan slowly filling him up but eventually, the older boy's cock is inside him balls deep.
"Zitao... This is how I first met you.."
Tao giggles and then rolls his hips, "I don't think I remember having you inside me when I first met you."
"God, Huang Zitao... You tease." Yifan bucks his hips and Tao moans lustfully. The younger responds by lifting himself up and pushing down slowly at first; Yifan won't have it and thrusts halfway as Tao rides him faster and harder. Yifan wraps his arms around Tao and pulls him down before flipping their positions again. The older turns Tao sideways and lifts a leg up his shoulder and continues to thrust inside the younger as his free hand pumps Tao's cock in sync with his minstrations inside his younger boyfriend.
They both moan out each other's names over and over. Tao screams louder this time when he reaches his 2nd orgasm. The clenching of his muscles around Yifan's cock sends the older over the edge and fills Tao fully after a few more thrusts.
Yifan plops down on top of Tao almost lifelessly and lazily kisses the younger all over his face, "I love you, Huang Zitao. I'll forever be in love with you..."
"I love you, too..." Tao breathes out and kisses the side of Yifan's face. The older gives Tao another kiss on the lips before pulling out of him. "You're a trooper..." Yifan whispers before he lies next to Tao and pulls the younger in a tight embrace.
-----
Tao wakes up the next morning cuddled in Yifan's arms. The older boy is still asleep and he decides to wake him up, "Yifan..."
Yifan grunts and slowly opens his eyes, "Hey..."
"I've been meaning to ask..."
"What is it?" Yifan shifts to a more comfortable position, Tao presses his cheek harder on Yifan's chest, "Yifan... Was there somebody else before me?"
"Nobody as serious as this." Yifan runs his fingers through Tao's hair and continues, "I've had flings, and I've dated. I was young and reckless once. Cancer changed everything, I became more serious with life and with how I deal with other people."
Tao is silent for a bit before reluctantly looking up to meet Yifan's gaze, "H... Have you done this with anybody?"
"With a girl. You're my first boy."
"Oh." Tao looks down and Yifan watches as the younger runs a finger on the scar on his chest, Yifan smirks and nudges the other, "Jealous?"
"I don't know. I'm wondering if I should have fooled around with random people, too."
Yifan lifts Tao so that the younger is straddling him, "I would be really jealous of that though." The older runs his finger on Tao's bare chest, "I take so much pride that I'm your first, and your only."
Tao gasps when Yifan's hands leave feather touches on his thighs and sides, "I'm proud that I'm the only one who can turn you like this..." Yifan then pulls Tao into a kiss, "And I'm the only one who's touched your lips."
Tao chuckles and presses himself closer to Yifan, "Selfish."
"Only when it comes to you..."
They spend the morning making love in their room and the later part of the day lounging under the sun or swimming in the water. By late afternoon, the two of them decide to walk through the long stretch of the beach.
"Wow! Yifan! We must try that!" Tao suddenly exclaims and points to a cliff where some people are screaming and jumping off of it.
"You? Really?"
Tao nods with a smile, "We're dying soon, anyway!"
Yifan kisses Tao softly on the lips, "Right. We're dying soon."
"I... Is something wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong." Yifan smiles and kisses Tao again, "Come on!"
They climb the trek towards the cliff. Yifan watches as Tao's face brighten as they get near the edge where the people are diving. "This is crazy..." Tao exclaims then pulls on Yifan, they watch a girl jump off and then pop her head out of the water. Tao turns to Yifan excitedly, "I'll go first!"
The younger kisses Yifan first before running and jumping off the cliff. Yifan watches Tao as he screams and plummets down underwater. "YIFANNNN! COME ON!!!"
Yifan takes a deep breath before jumping off the cliff to follow Tao to the water. "I LOVE YOU HUANG ZITAO!!!" He screams all the way down and Tao can't help but laugh. He swims towards Yifan and wraps his arms around the other as they drift under the rocks, "You're crazy..."
"Just wanted to make sure you know what I feel in case I died." Yifan chuckles and kisses Tao passionately.
"Hey..." Tao purrs and Yifan hums, the younger bites his lower lip and bats his lashes at Yifan, "You think we can do something crazier...?"
Yifan looks around and it seems that the people from earlier has left and the sky is getting darker due to the setting sun, the blond turns too Tao with a grin, "I guess we can." Yifan backs Tao against the rocks and locks the younger's legs on his waist.
They make love in the water, even if it burns and hurts for the both of them but they are to engrossed with each other to actually care. When they both get down from their sexual high, Tao hugs Yifan tight, "I love you. I really, really love you."
"You're crying... Did I hurt you...?"
Tao shakes his head, "No. I'm just really in love with you..."
Yifans stays silent for a moment before he kisses the top of Tao's head. "I feel the same way. Come on, let's go back to our room."
They swim back to the shore and quietly returns to their room where they take a peaceful shower together. They have their dinner inside their room and they lie on the bed in silence. Tao falls asleep immediately and Yifan turns to his side and watches his young lover. He brushes the back of his hand on Tao's cheek, traces it down to his neck where he has left a number of love marks.
'I love you, Huang Zitao. I'm so sorry...'
-----
It's three days later after their quick rendezvous on the beach and they're back home. It's one afternoon when Yifan and Tao has invited Baekhyun out to play basketball with them. The Korean boy is resting by the bench and checking his phone when he hears a heavy thud and a loud scream.
"HYUNG! CALL FOR AN AMBULANCE!!!"
Baekhyun immediately calls the emergency hotline as he runs to Tao who's cradling Yifan's head on his lap. "My friend's fainted! Please, come immediately! We're at the gym on 24th street!" Baekhyun ends the call and turns to Tao, "They'll be here in 5 minutes! What happened?!"
"I don't know..." Tao is already sobbing, "He was trying to steal the ball from me and then he just suddenly fainted!"
"He'll be okay..." Baekhyun pats Tao's shoulder before dialling Yifan's mother's phone number.
"Yifan... Yifan..." Tao keeps shaking Yifan awake but to no avail, "Stop fooling around...!"
Tao and Baekhyun hear the sound of sirens coming and a number of paramedics rush to them. Yifan is placed on a stretcher and they put an oxygen mask on him - much to Tao's horror. "My... My Yifan! Is he going to be okay??!" He asks and a paramedic turns to him, "We won't know for sure. We're taking him to the hospital."
"I'm going with you! Hyung! Drive his car and follow us!" Tao tells Baekhyun before boarding the ambulance.
When they arrive at the hospital, Yifan is rushed to the emergency room and Tao is left outside. He doesn't even care that he loathes hospitals because something is happening to his Yifan and there's nothing he can do about it.
"Tao!"
Tao turns to the voice and finds Yifan's mother running to him, "Where's he?!"
"E.R..." Tao mumbles and Yifan's mother cries and hugs Tao, "My baby... Please don't take him yet..."
"What... What's going on?" Tao mumbles and Yifan's mother just hugs him tighter, "Please... I need to know what's going on..."
Yifan's mother pulls Tao onto a bench and holds both his hands, "Please don't hate Yifan for not telling you immediately..."
"Tell me what...?"
"He didn't want me to tell you but... We found out he's having recurrence a few days after Chanyeol's funeral. His tumor has started growing again and the doctor tried to stop the growth through radiation but it won't stop growing..."
Tao is already quietly crying as he listens, Yifan's mother continues, "We tried chemotheraphy again but he's stopped responding to any medication. His doctor gave him two months at most, if he won't be physically active, shorter if he does otherwise. My baby decided not to take any more medicine and he said he just wants to spend his healthier days with you..."
Tao panics and starts to sob erratically, "And I kept him out! I exhausted him!"
"Tao, no. If anything, you kept him feeling more alive than ever..."
Tao hugs Yifan's mother and cries harder. It must have been only a few minutes when someone calls his name.
"Tao!" Baekhyun calls and runs to him, Tao releases himself from Mrs. Wu and hugs Baekhyun, "He's dying..."
Baekhyun starts cursing and crying as he hugs Tao tighter, "Fucking hypocrite. And he was mad at Chanyeol for lying yet he's the same. We fell in love with assholes..."
Tao keeps crying until he falls asleep in Baekhyun's arms and Mrs. Wu's comforting words.
It's two hours later when Tao is shaken awake by Mrs. Wu. She's smiling at him but her eyes tell otherwise, "He's awake. He wants to see you."
Tao nods. Baekhyun pats him on the shoulder, "Stay calm, Tao. Don't be like me. I almost murdered Chanyeol when I found out."
Tao smiles and nods, "I'll try not to do the same." The young Chinese walks slowly to Yifan's room, he takes a deep breath before opening the door. Yifan is lying on the bed with his face turned to him, "Zitao... I..."
"Don't say anything. I'm still thinking of what to do or say to you."
It's only a few seconds but it could be a lifetime of silence between them. Tao thinks his whole life is slipping away because Yifan is dying. Tao breathes faster because Yifan is his life, and he is dying and there might only be a few weeks, days, hours even, left for the two of them and Tao's feet march towards Yifan and he starts kissing him, embracing him, and pulling him close.
"... Yifan." Tao starts, "Why didn't you tell me?" The younger stares at the other. Yifan smiles and puts a hand on Tao's cheek, "If you knew, we'll never finish our bucket list..."
"Stupid..." Tao mumbles in a sob. Yifan chuckles, "If you knew, I'm sure you'll keep me cooped inside and I'll die bored. We did a lot and I'm happy. I'll die---"
"Stop saying that!" Tao cuts him off and starts crying frantically, "How dare you...? How dare you do this to me? You said you're gonna fight it again! Aren't you supposed to be my superhero?"
"I'm so sorry..."
Tao hugs Yifan and it's only then that he notices that Yifan's lost weight, and he feels lighter, "It really isn't your fault."
Yifan chuckles and hugs Tao tighter, "It's not the fault in our stars, either."
Tao buries his head on Yifan's shoulder and cries silently, "Then I guess I can't blame anyone..."
"You didn't really have to." Yifan kisses the side of Tao's face, "I'm really glad I did all those things with you, but I regret one thing..."
"What is it?"
"I made you believe in a forever that doesn't exist."
Tao pulls himself back and stares at Yifan with tear-stricken eyes, "Because it doesn't. We only have tomorrow, Yifan." Tao kisses Yifan briefly and returns to staring at him, "We will always have tomorrow."
The first two days of Yifan's stay in the hospital doesn't seem less than an ordinary patient suffering food poisoning or something. Except that he doesn't have an appetite, and he throws up anything shoved down his throat and he finds it hard to breathe normally.
When Tao arrives on the third day, Yifan is fast asleep with a cannula attached to his nose. Tao sits next to Mrs. Wu and leans his head on his shoulder, "H... How is he?"
Mrs. Wu takes Tao's hand and holds him tight, "Well, the tumor is getting bigger and it's affecting his lungs. He still won't respond to any medicine and all the pain relievers have to be injected in him just so he can take them."
"But it won't keep him alive, won't it...?" Tao asks bluntly without taking his eyes off Yifan, "It only masks the pain of dying..."
Mrs. Wu is silent for a moment, she knows that Tao is right, she also knows that Tao was an angry and depressed child, according to what Yifan has told her from before. She kisses the back of his hand, "I'm going to step out for a bit, okay?"
"Yes, Mrs. Wu."
When Yifan's mother leaves, Tao walks to the bed and sits on it. He stares at Yifan fast asleep and he takes his hand in his, "I love you. I love you, Yifan..." He kisses the palm of Yifan's hand and starts sobbing quietly with Yifan's hand pressed against his cheek. He flicks his eyes open when Yifan's thumb traces circles on his cheek.
"I love you, too."
"Please don't die." Tao pleads and cries on Yifan's chest, "Please don't die..."
"I'll be alive in your memories."
"Yifan..."
Yifan doesn't say anything but he starts sobbing. He hugs Tao against him and it hurts to see Tao like this, because if he can, he won't die. He won't leave Tao, not ever.
Tao leans up and wipes away Yifan's tears, "I made you cry..." The younger kisses Yifan, "I'm going to stop now. It's bad for us both to be like this..."
"I just... I'm gonna lose you, too. I don't know if I have loved you enough, if I have loved you less." Yifan continues to cry, "Before today, I never questioned anybody why it had to be me and you, but now, I know why Chanyeol didn't fear dying, he feared making Baekhyun unhappy."
"Yifan..."
The blond shakes his head, "I'm so sorry, Huang Zitao. I didn't mean to make you unhappy for the remaining life that you have..."
"Stupid." Tao sobs again and kisses Yifan, "You make me the happiest."
They embrace each other in silent sobs and they stay locked together for who knows how long when the door opens. The both of them looks up to see Baekhyun standing by the doorway.
"Did I interrupt anything?"
Tao shakes his head and gestures Baekhyun to come inside. "I brought what you wanted me to find. It was a chore but I got it!"
"What is it?" Yifan asks and Baekhyun hands over what seemed like Japanese paper folded inside a small plastic. Tao smiles at Yifan and shows him his notepad, "There's only 3 left. You think we can cross out another one?"
"Yes. Of course..."
"I talked to his mom already and she talked to the nurses. They can help you to the rooftop tonight and we'll leave you two for a bit." Baekhyun explains and the couple says their thanks. Tao tells Baekhyun that they'll be ready in a bit since it's almost sunset and it's the perfect time for them to do this.
A few minutes later Yifan is assisted towards the rooftop and once the nurses settled his oxygen tank and wheelchair in the middle of the rooftop, the rest of the other people leave the couple alone.
"Let's write our wishes on the lantern, Yifan..." Tao tells him and hands a pen to the older, "Let's not show each other, okay?"
"Okay."
The two of them writes their respective wishes on each side of the paper lantern. When they're done, Tao takes a peek at Yifan's side, "Shall we let it go?"
"Yeah."
"On three. 1... 2... 3."
The couple releases the paper lantern and it flies up above the darkened skies. The couple watches as it turns and goes higher and smaller until it looks like a star in the sky. "I love you, Zitao."
Tao smiles and hugs Yifan, "I love you, too."
The nurses return and one of them goes to take Yifan back to his room. Tao joins them and when they return, Baekhyun and his mom are inside. Baekhyun turns to them with a question, "Did it fly?"
"Yeah. Thank you for buying it for us."
"No problem."
Tao turns to Yifan who's already lying back on the bed, "Tomorrow, Yifan?"
"Tomorrow, Zitao."
Tao smiles and kisses Yifan's cheek, "I'll come back tomorrow."
Tao and Baekhyun say their goodbyes before they both leave the hospital for the day.
'I wish for an infinite tomorrow with you. - Tao'
'Let me stay by his side a little longer... - Yifan'
-----
When Tao arrives the next day he's surprised to find Yifan out of his hospital gown and in his casual clothes, "What's going on?"
"I'm granted one day to get out of the hospital. Drive for me?"
"Are you suicidal?"
"Love, I know you won't let me die. And if it does happen, we're together."
"Asshole." Tao chuckles and hugs Yifan, "Are the nurses coming with us?"
"Minseok and Kyungsoo will."
"Ok."
Minseok and Kyungsoo assist Yifan to his Impala and Tao takes the wheel. The drive is slow and which makes Yifan tease Tao that the younger drives slower than his grandmother. Tao hits the gas and everyone start screaming - including the nurses. They laugh uncontrollably when they finally reach the cemetery where Chanyeol's buried.
The nurses put Yifan on a wheelchair while Tao holds his oxygen tank. He trades the tank with Minseok and tells the nurse he'll push Yifan towards their spot.
They make it to Yifan's grave site and the nurses help Tao lay out a blanket on the grass before they place Yifan on it. When the couple is settled comfortably, both the nurses leave them alone.
"So, why are we here?" Tao asks and Yifan leans closer to kiss him. "Huang Zitao, recite your eulogy for me."
"What?"
"I want to hear it."
Tao shakes his head, "NO."
Yifan kisses Tao again and stares at him, "Tao. I'm dying and we can't deny that anymore. I want to hear it. I want to see you saying those words for me."
Tao hugs Yifan and lies his head on his chest for awhile. After a few seconds, Tao pulls back and stares at Yifan.
"I would never do this to your actual funeral because you know I hate crowd, and people. I hate people, I used to hate people and then came you. Little by little, you changed me, and in the simplest way that you can, you made me happy." Tao stops for a moment and he starts crying but he continues, "You still make me happy, Wu Yifan. You'll never stop making me happy." The younger presses a soft kiss on Yifan's cheek, "You changed me, Yifan. I was hell-bent on withering away even after I got on remission. I hated waking up in the mornings but you made me look forward for another day. I hated the evenings because I needed to say goodbye to you but I loved the mornings when I wake up and see you sleeping next to me, my love." Tao presses a lingering kiss on Yifan's lips then sighs. He looks down on the grass and continues, "Sometimes I wonder though if I did something terrible in my past life since..." Tao cries harder and reaches out to grab onto Yifan's hands, they're cold but the older tightens his hold, "Since whoever is up there made me the happiest person alive when I met you and you loved me, but now He wants to take you away from me. I love you, Yifan. You're the love of my life. You made me look forward to every tomorrow, to every tomorrow's tomorrow and to the infinite tomorrows. I'm glad we did things right in this lifetime, because maybe in our next lives, we can stay together longer, maybe forever." Tao stops speaking and stares at Yifan who's silently crying across him, "Thank you for coming into my life, Wu Yifan. I love you."
Yifan weakly leans closer and hugs Tao who carefully hugs him tighter, "I don't think I'll ever be ready to say goodbye to you, Yifan..."
"Huang Zitao..." Yifan breathes out in between his sobs, "D... Did I leave a mark on you...?"
"More than just a mark, Yifan... You gave me life, you gave me everything..." Tao clenches his fist on the thin material of Yifan's shirt as he cries, "Yifan... Yifan..."
"I'm... I'm glad to have lived just enough to love you and for you to love me back. Thank you for sharing your time with me even just for a while..."
"Can I ask you to stay much, much longer...?"
Yifan kisses the top of Tao's head and hugs him closer, "I'll stay as long as I can..."
-----
But Yifan only stays until 8 days later. 7 hours after his last and very weak radio call with Tao. When the static of his radio activated at 2:08 AM, Tao knows, especially since there's no voice coming from the other end of the frequency, only a soft sobbing of Yifan's mother and the silence. Tao screams and his mother rushes to his room.
"Tao...!!!"
"Mama..." He cries and his mother hugs him, his father is quick to follow with a glass of water, "He... He's gone. My Yifan is gone..."
Tao doesn't know how long he's cried, nor how many times he's said the words because even if he repeatedly told himself that Yifan is gone, he still won't believe it, as if he still needs a little more convincing but it will never be enough. He doesn't remember falling asleep in his parents embrace but he remembers the pain when he wakes up hours later.
He goes to the Wu's place when the morning light comes and Yifan's mother hugs him immediately. There are a few people present since it's only around 7 in the morning. "Do you want to see him?"
Tao nods and Yifan's mother leads him to where his lover lies. Tao turns to Yifan's mother and whispers, "C... Can I have a moment with him alone?"
"Of course, my dear..." Yifan's mother kisses Tao's cheek before asking the other mourners out of the living room. His mother even closes the door behind her just so nobody can disturb Tao.
"I... I asked you to stay longer." Tao starts and chuckles bitterly, "Yet, you do an Augustus Waters on me and dies 8 days later after I said my eulogy. How ironic can you be...?"
Tao stares at Yifan and sighs to himself, "Sometimes I still think you're unfair, do you know that?" He bites his lower lip and chokes back a sob, "W...we were supposed to fight together."
Tao breaks down and slumps to the floor, "Say something... Anything! Yifan!!!"
The door bursts open and Baekhyun runs to Tao's side, "Tao..."
"Baekhyun... He left. He just left me..." The younger clings on to the younger Korean as the shorter male gathers him up in his arms. Baekhyun leads Tao on a couch and lets him cry his eye out. He stays silent the whole time until Tao finally calms down.
Tao never left the wake and his parents check on him everyday for his medicine but the rest of the wake he stays by the coffin and by Mrs. Wu's side. Baekhyun stays with him in the morning and leaves in the afternoon.
Tao sobs silently next to Mrs. Wu and his parents when the funeral comes. When Yifan's mother asks if he's giving a eulogy, he says no and tells her that he already told Yifan everything he wanted to say.
When the funeral is over Tao cries in the backseat of the car while his parents stay silent on the drive home. His mother guides him to his room while his father gets him a glass of water.
"Tao..."
"Please... I need a moment, mom."
"Son, he wouldn't want to see you like this." His father tells him but Tao cries harder, "But he's no longer here! Please... Leave me alone..."
His parents sigh in defeat. They each give him a hug before leaving him inside his bedroom.
-----
For the days that follow, Tao stays in his room reading 'The Fault in our Stars' over and over. He wonders where Hazel Grace found the strength to move on after Augustus Waters then he realizes that Hazel and Gus is no Zitao and Yifan. While Hazel and Gus lives within the pages of the book, he lives in the reality that there is no more Yifan beside him to hold his hand and no more Yifan to kiss, to hug, to love.
It's two weeks later when Tao's mother comes into his room to not just give him his meds but to talk to him.
"Tao, isn't it time you go back to Support group?"
Tao shakes his head without looking up from his book. His mother sighs and sits next to him, "You've been reading the same book everyday. You need to get out of the house, you need to---"
"I don't need to hear his name at the bottom of Sunny's list, mom." Tao tells her sharply but he obviously chokes back a sob, "He's my strongest support, mom. Without him, it's pointless."
"Tao... You're reverting back to your angry self..."
"Because I am, mom." Tao starts to cry more openly then, "I miss him... And I don't know how to deal with this. I thought I'll be ready because I saw it coming but I don't think I can..."
"Tao..." His mother hugs him and Tao cries on her chest, "I miss him, mom..."
Tao never returns to support group again.
-----
"I guess it's really hard, Baekhyun."
"What's hard?"
Tao traces Yifan's name on the tombstone while they're both sitting on the grass a month after Yifan's death, "I remember you told me it's hard not being able to talk about Chanyeol to your friends. I guess it's hard for me too. You're my only friend, aside from Chanyeol and Yifan."
"Having fun with friends can help ease the pain. I can introduce you to Jongin and Luhan, they're really nice. Maybe one day you can start dating too."
Tao looks at Baekhyun with a smile, "Too? Are you dating somebody now?"
"Y... Yeah. I'm dating someone from my choir group. His name's Jongdae and he makes me happy, too."
"I... I don't think I can replace Yifan."
Baekhyun holds Tao's hand and squeezes it, "You're not gonna replace him, Tao."
Tao doesn't answer. They hear the sound of thunder from a distance and the both of them decides it's time to go home. Tao kisses the marble tombstone goodbye and whispers something to it before leaving.
'See you soon, my love.'
The rain doesn't stop for days and Tao ends up cooped inside his room. It's around noon when he wakes up. He walks to the window to check on the weather but he doesn't get to. He faints with a loud thud on the floor and his mother finds him just in time to wake him up for lunch.
When Tao wakes up, he's greeted by white ceiling and white walls. Moments later, his mother sits next to him with tears in her eyes, "Huang Zitao, is there something you're not telling us?"
Tao shrugs his shoulders and his mother cries more, "Tao... Your doctor just told me how you stopped showing up on your check ups. You promised you'll go. You missed two weeks, Tao. What's happening to you?"
"Mom... I... I'm sorry."
"Are you killing yourself?!"
Tao sobs and shakes his head, "I'm so sorry. I just... Mom... I can't be without Yifan..."
"I can't be without you, Zitao!"
"I'm sorry mom. I really am..." Tao covers his eyes with an arm, "I started throwing up my medicines 2 weeks ago. I didn't want to tell you so that you won't panic. And my selfishness won me over, mom. I love you and dad, but I just... I really love him a lot and at the back of my head..." Tao sniffs and continues, "I want to join him soon, too."
His mother hugs him and cries on his chest, "Tao... Just like him, you stopped responding to medications. I'm going to really lose you this time..."
"I'm so sorry, mom. That's all I can ever say."
"Tao, you should have talked to me. I am your mother..."
"Mom..." Tao hugs her and cries harder on her chest, "I knew from the very beginning ever since I had cancer that there are chances that I will die before you and dad. Mom... I'm sorry if you ever felt like I've drifted away from you but I didn't want you both to feel more attached than ever when I'll be gone sooner than you. I want you to get used to living without me."
"Tao... Why do you apologize? We're your parents. We are supposed to be attached to you."
"You won't be a mother anymore when I'm gone. I'm so sorry..."
"Huang Zitao... Why did you ever think that way...?" Tao's mother kisses him and hugs him tighter, "You are my son, as long as I live, even if I die, you are our son."
"You will always be my mother. I love you..."
Tao falls asleep in exhaustion embraced by his mother. He wakes up the next day to find his father sleeping by his side. Tao runs his frail hands on his father's cheek and the old man jolts awake.
"Did I wake you?" Tao asks and his father shakes his head. "I... I'm sorry, dad."
Tao's father smiles at him sincerely, "Sorry about what?"
"Daddy..." Tao starts to sob and his father hugs him, "Zitao, have I ever told you how much I love you?" Tao nods his head and his father pats his back, "I'm sorry I wasn't expressive enough but when you were born and I first held you in my arms, I cried. When you first smiled, I felt like the king of the world. You were such a tiny baby with tiny hands and feet. I felt like I could put you in my pocket and take you everywhere I go."
Tao chuckles and hugs his father tighter, "I'm almost 6 feet now, dad. I don't think I can fit in your pocket anymore."
"I can put you in a backpack."
"Daddy..."
"When you were growing up, I wanted you to be the best man you can be... But I knew from watching you that you are going to another direction, especially when you started talking more about your boy classmates instead of girls."
"Were you disappointed that your only son is gay?"
"Never." Tao's father hugs him tighter and kisses the top of his head, "I get to have a superhero and a princess at the same time, why should I be disappointed?"
Tao cries harder and buries himself deeper in his father's chest, "You still have the same smile, sure, your hands and feet are larger and you've grown, but you're still the little baby I held, you will always be my little boy."
"I love you, dad..."
"I wanted to be the best man in your life and I never thought I'd just give you to anybody. But Yifan, he loves you so much, and I'm more than happy to give up my seat of being the best to him."
"You're not giving up any seats, dad. Yifan just happened to sit next to you on the 'best boyfriend' chair."
Tao's father kisses his forehead and he sees that his father is crying, "It's not right to bury your children before the parents. I can't bear losing you, Zitao."
Tao wipes the tears on his father's cheeks with his thumbs. His father takes his hands and cradles it near his heart, "Find Yifan in heaven, okay?"
"I will." Tao smiles and hugs his father again.
-----
Tao stays in the hospital and slowly weakens. He doesn't show any sign of health improvements and he just worsens everyday. One time, Baekhyun walks in on him sleeping but smelling of piss, another time his mother finds him throwing up on the floor. Not long after, Tao loses almost half of his weight and loses all his will to live.
Tao is awake when Baekhyun visits him two months since he got admitted to the hospital. "Hi, Tao."
Tao smiles weakly and raises an eyebrow to the guy next to his friend, "Who...?"
Baekhyun smiles, "His name's Jongdae. I mentioned him once, right?"
Tao nods, Jongdae smiles at him. "It's nice to meet you. I'm gonna go now, since Baekhyun said he wants to be with you privately."
"Nice to meet you, too." Tao smiles at him weakly before Jongdae leaves the room. "Where's your mother?" Baekhyun asks.
"Talking to my doctors, maybe..."
Baekhyun rummages his bag and hands a piece of paper to Tao, "H... He told me to give this to you when I find it appropriate."
Tao grabs the paper and starts reading the hand-written letter from Yifan.
'Huang Zitao.
I'll be gone by the time you read this letter and I'm not sure if you're 20 or 70 by now. Wouldn't it be better if we have grown older together? I wonder how you'd look with wrinkles and white hair. Anyway, I'm not sure if you're married now, or if you've remained single. I don't want to think of you married to somebody else, though. See? I'm still selfish even in the afterlife.
I love you, Huang Zitao.
I don't know how many times I've told you that I do, but we never really counted, right?
I wrote this letter because I know I wouldn't be there to give you my eulogy when the time comes but I want you to know that you're the brightest star in my dark sky, you're the light at the end of the tunnel, you're the love of my life.
I don't think I ever said goodbye to you because I know I will see you tomorrow. We don't have forever but we will always have tomorrow, Huang Zitao. I love you, and I told you before that I will always be in love with you - and now, even in death.
I'm so thankful that I met you, Zitao. I guess you never knew my whole past - I was like you, once. I was angry and I hated life. I went to support group because I was starting to feel okay mentally and emotionally. I thought it was a good distraction from my random bouts of rage. I never knew how that very first meeting would change my whole perspective in life and it's all because of you. Did you know that Chanyeol had to check if I was sick after my first attendance? I wasn't that positive about support group a few days prior. Those words of bravery on the first day? I only said those because of you, because for some reason, I wanted to appear strong in your eyes. I wanted to be your superhero.
You told me I changed you, but you never knew that you changed me, too.
So, thank you.
I miss you and I'll see you tomorrow, Huang Zitao.'
Tao cries frantically as he hugs the letter to his chest, "Yifan... My Yifan..."
Baekhyun hugs Tao and cries with him, "Tao..."
"When did he do this...?" Tao sniffs and buries himself deeper into the embrace. "The day after you two went to the gravesite. He trusted me to keep this letter and give it to you someday. I never read it, but he told me he hopes you're old and wrinkly when you do." Baekhyun chokes back a sob and hugs Tao tighter, "But I guess, it's time now, too."
"That guy..." Tao releases himself from Baekhyun and tries to calm himself a little.
"He also gave me this." Baekhyun hands Tao a journal, "Looks like he chronicled your days together and the things that you did. He wrote down some of the things he told you and the things you told him."
Tao turns the pages of the journal and he cries harder this time as he reads how Yifan described their first meeting, their dates, their fight - everything. Baekhyun sighs, "He told me he wants me to cross out some parts of your bucketlist. He hopes that this can be my guide."
Tao is quiet for a while and Baekhyun watches his friend wipe his face with the blanket. When Tao has calmed, he turns to Baekhyun with a soft smile, "We can talk about some of them..."
"Can you still? Aren't you hurting?"
"I'll be fine..."
Tao recalls the things they did and Baekhyun listens most eagerly. In between the stories, Tao becomes a rollercoaster of emotions - he laughs and he cries. Baekhyun gets teary-eyed with the memories they've shared with Chanyeol and also with the memories he witnessed even after Chanyeol died. It takes awhile and Tao realizes how thankful he should be that Yifan made sure to gather a lot of great memories together instead of bad ones.
When Baekhyun leaves a few hours later, Tao reads the letter again. Until before he falls asleep that night, he holds the letter close to his heart.
'See you tomorrow, Yifan...
Huang Zitao dies in his sleep and is pronounced dead at 1:03 AM.
-----
Baekhyun adjusts his position on the grass and Jongdae sits next to him. "Hey, both of you." He starts then brushes the leaves off Yifan's and Tao's tombstones, "Took me 3 years to get this done but the first copy is already out."
Baekhyun places a book between the gravestones, "You always made me your middleman or something."
Jongdae sighs and continues, "I never knew the both of you personally but hearing it from Baek, and reading the drafts, I just can't help but admire the love you both have for each other."
"Tao..." Baekhyun starts, "I guess you never knew how Yifan begged your parents to get you buried next to him. I just hope you two found each other in cancer-free heaven."
Baekhyun pulls out a worn out notepad from his bag and gently scratches off the last two on the list.
"Took a few years, Yifan, Tao, but you finished the bucketlist. I love you both." Baekhyun stands up and takes the book, "I'll come back and bring you another copy, okay?"
Jongdae takes Baekhyun's hand, "Farewell, you two."
Baekhyun reads the gravestones before he leaves, he smiles to himself and whispers, "Yeah. Thank you for tomorrow, for we will always have it."
/end/
-------------------
Author’s Notes: The scar on Yifan’s chest is caused by the removal of his tumor, since the thymic tumor can be found between the lungs. Tao’s scar is caused by the removal of portacath. I did a little research on the types of cancer and I’m sorry if I have missed some important details about it.
Here is Tao and Yifan’s bucket list:
Bucket list:
- Learn how to drive under Yifan's instructions
- Eat as much junk food as we can
- Lay in bed all day
- Sleep over someone else's house.
- Make love with Yifan when I'm ready
- Bake for Yifan
- Get a couple tattoo
- Ride bikes until our legs give up
- Play basketball
- Watch a musical
- Watch a concert
- Dance together
- Go on a roadtrip
- Fly floating lanterns
- Walk by the seashore
- Do something crazy
- Get our lovestory written no matter how cliche we are
- Stay by his side forever
------------------------------------
PART 1 | PART 2 | PART 3
P.S.: Took a while before i posted this here. I hope I didn't butcher the book, and if you think I did, I am so sorry.