Signing away
I'm just full of so much rage now which I might say makes it a bit difficult for me to formulate proper thought at the moment, but I will try. So I'm joining the Air Force, plan to become a Fighter Pilot (damn them all that doubt I can do it, even if I fail at least I did something with myself). People are fearful for me joining up, they keep thinking I could die. In all honesty I am not sure when the last time death scared me, in fact this seems a more noble way to go if I do get killed, at least it was better than wasting away at some dead end desk job perpetuating a decaying society of monotony. I've just lost so much care now, I'm running out of time for happy things in my life, I got the nasty gruesome tasks to take care of soon. It'f funny really I just seem to occasionally come and sit here and pour out these raw thoughts and when I look back over it all I seem to have had some interesting, if at least insane, moments in my life. 'Write a book' one person said. I'm starting to worry myself again, something I didn't notice at first till I realized I was constantly broke is that I am drinking excessively too much these days, and smoking without abandon, it's as if I'm subconsciously trying to kill myself earlier than expected. I'm most likely depressed, but as always my depression is based on some logical conclusion in my head that I am not pleased with. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I feel like Ennyver is going to back out on me, not because I don't have faith in her (honestly I don't seem to believe in faith at all anymore), but just because it seems to be the track record with her and everyone else in my life. I feel like I am finally seeing the ground after free falling and realize that there is no avoiding this hurt. I miss what it felt like to be hopeful and romanticized by life, now all I got is a fearless nature, a maniacal laugh, and a cold stare. Please, please! Show me I am wrong and that I have more before I sign my life over to the armed forces!