Abilify Prose
As if two medications aren't enough --- a new pill has been added to my diet ----- Abilify, patented by Bristol Meyers Sqibb for the treatment of bipolar disorder and manic depression... So to Glaxo, Smith, and Kline --- the makers of Paxil--- all I can say is, you no longer have a monopoly over the control of my neurotransmitters. May the battle of the pharmacutical manufacturers begin --- and where is the staging ground for this epic battle to take place ??? No place other than that mass of grey matter known as Dinesh's brain.
So what has induced my shrink to prescribe yet another medication for the patient that he has described as being 'just plain nuts' ? Like many a man, the source of all my agonizing distress happens to be a woman --- a woman who is apparently in love with me, has been in love with me for the last seven months, and is absolutely sure than I am the right man for her.
Unfortunately, after all this time, I am far from being sure that she is the right woman for me. I constantly struggle with trying to determine exactly how I feel about her, and yet, more introspection seems to lead only to more questions. What am I really looking for ?? Will I ever be satisfied with any woman, period ? Perhaps a I was never meant to have a long term relationship with a member of the opposite sex.
I have given her many opportunities to break up with me, and I myself attempted to bail out right after the new year. But I simply couldnt go through with the act --- I couldnt bear to cause her so much pain, and seeing the tears stream down her cheeks, seeing her tell me that she would still love me even though I was about to break up with her, feeling that somehow I had hurt her so severely that her pain was nearly indistingishable from mine was enough to cause my backbone to weaken to the point where it was practically nonexistent. It could not be done. I could not bring myself to break up with her.
So we have continued to see one another for the last 3 months, and yet I am still unsure as to exactly what it is that I want. She is sweet, caring, and understanding woman, and beyond a doubt, she is utterly devoted to me -- but somehow, in some way, that is simply not enough for me. I cannot quite put my finger on it, but there is something lacking in our relationship. As she all to clearly perceives, she wants me more than I want her. She wants to hold me in her arms EVERY night, awaken to the sight of my face, and perform countless naughty acts with me. This is love --- true love on her part. My eyes water I think of the degree of her attachment to me. But in some way the intensity of my attachment is not quite the same. Perhaps her clinginess and neediness, while satisfying my ego and sense of power over her, also feels like a burden that I must somehow come to terms with. There are times, indeed, quite a few times, when she is not at the forefront of my thoughts in the way that I am at the forefront of hers. Yes, I do think of and fantasize about other women-- but, perhaps more importantly, I think of myself, my life, and how she fits into my goals and aspirations. I long for the days of being single and being able to do as I wished when I wished. Now, if she asks me to spend the night at her place, I must give some good reason for not wishing to do so --- I cant simply say that Im not in the mood for it, which would, in fact, be the truth. I wish I could somehow relay to her my state of mind to her --- there are times when I just need to be free, free to find my inner self, free to make sense of this world, and free to enagage in the kind of contemplation that I find to be somehow theraputic.
Maybe I was meant to be single --- or maybe I have been single for so long that it is the only state of existence that I can possibly imagine . Maybe a serious, committed long term relationship is not possible for me because I simply dont know what it is.
I obviousuly dont have the answer to this question yet. I am still seraching. However, in the great quest for an answer, I have enlisted a new weapon --- a weapon invented by none other than Bristol , Meyers, and Sqibb. That weapon, touted as a mighty source of great wisdom, is known by the name of Abilify.
Thank you Brstol Meyers Squibb.
And, for all that it's worth, while I was writing this journal entry, the following conversation transpired :
marshymarsh32: how you doing tonight
Dinesh Kaushal: oh ---- writing a book....
Dinesh Kaushal: and you ???
marshymarsh32: just got home from work
Dinesh Kaushal: howd it go ?
marshymarsh32: it went
marshymarsh32: i have a hellish cold now and it sucked\
Dinesh Kaushal: lol
Dinesh Kaushal: well ----- I could see how one could have a hellish fever---- but a hellish cold ?
Dinesh Kaushal: lol
Dinesh Kaushal: I didnt think that one got colds in hell
marshymarsh32: it is alful is all i meant by that
Dinesh Kaushal: friggin hot place down there
Dinesh Kaushal: you ever hear a story about someone getting a runny nose in hell ?
marshymarsh32: nope
Dinesh Kaushal: lol
Dinesh Kaushal: well --- I am sorry to hear about your hellish cold....
Dinesh Kaushal: maybe next time ---
Dinesh Kaushal: you can get a 'heavenly cold'....
Make of this what you wish.....
So what has induced my shrink to prescribe yet another medication for the patient that he has described as being 'just plain nuts' ? Like many a man, the source of all my agonizing distress happens to be a woman --- a woman who is apparently in love with me, has been in love with me for the last seven months, and is absolutely sure than I am the right man for her.
Unfortunately, after all this time, I am far from being sure that she is the right woman for me. I constantly struggle with trying to determine exactly how I feel about her, and yet, more introspection seems to lead only to more questions. What am I really looking for ?? Will I ever be satisfied with any woman, period ? Perhaps a I was never meant to have a long term relationship with a member of the opposite sex.
I have given her many opportunities to break up with me, and I myself attempted to bail out right after the new year. But I simply couldnt go through with the act --- I couldnt bear to cause her so much pain, and seeing the tears stream down her cheeks, seeing her tell me that she would still love me even though I was about to break up with her, feeling that somehow I had hurt her so severely that her pain was nearly indistingishable from mine was enough to cause my backbone to weaken to the point where it was practically nonexistent. It could not be done. I could not bring myself to break up with her.
So we have continued to see one another for the last 3 months, and yet I am still unsure as to exactly what it is that I want. She is sweet, caring, and understanding woman, and beyond a doubt, she is utterly devoted to me -- but somehow, in some way, that is simply not enough for me. I cannot quite put my finger on it, but there is something lacking in our relationship. As she all to clearly perceives, she wants me more than I want her. She wants to hold me in her arms EVERY night, awaken to the sight of my face, and perform countless naughty acts with me. This is love --- true love on her part. My eyes water I think of the degree of her attachment to me. But in some way the intensity of my attachment is not quite the same. Perhaps her clinginess and neediness, while satisfying my ego and sense of power over her, also feels like a burden that I must somehow come to terms with. There are times, indeed, quite a few times, when she is not at the forefront of my thoughts in the way that I am at the forefront of hers. Yes, I do think of and fantasize about other women-- but, perhaps more importantly, I think of myself, my life, and how she fits into my goals and aspirations. I long for the days of being single and being able to do as I wished when I wished. Now, if she asks me to spend the night at her place, I must give some good reason for not wishing to do so --- I cant simply say that Im not in the mood for it, which would, in fact, be the truth. I wish I could somehow relay to her my state of mind to her --- there are times when I just need to be free, free to find my inner self, free to make sense of this world, and free to enagage in the kind of contemplation that I find to be somehow theraputic.
Maybe I was meant to be single --- or maybe I have been single for so long that it is the only state of existence that I can possibly imagine . Maybe a serious, committed long term relationship is not possible for me because I simply dont know what it is.
I obviousuly dont have the answer to this question yet. I am still seraching. However, in the great quest for an answer, I have enlisted a new weapon --- a weapon invented by none other than Bristol , Meyers, and Sqibb. That weapon, touted as a mighty source of great wisdom, is known by the name of Abilify.
Thank you Brstol Meyers Squibb.
And, for all that it's worth, while I was writing this journal entry, the following conversation transpired :
marshymarsh32: how you doing tonight
Dinesh Kaushal: oh ---- writing a book....
Dinesh Kaushal: and you ???
marshymarsh32: just got home from work
Dinesh Kaushal: howd it go ?
marshymarsh32: it went
marshymarsh32: i have a hellish cold now and it sucked\
Dinesh Kaushal: lol
Dinesh Kaushal: well ----- I could see how one could have a hellish fever---- but a hellish cold ?
Dinesh Kaushal: lol
Dinesh Kaushal: I didnt think that one got colds in hell
marshymarsh32: it is alful is all i meant by that
Dinesh Kaushal: friggin hot place down there
Dinesh Kaushal: you ever hear a story about someone getting a runny nose in hell ?
marshymarsh32: nope
Dinesh Kaushal: lol
Dinesh Kaushal: well --- I am sorry to hear about your hellish cold....
Dinesh Kaushal: maybe next time ---
Dinesh Kaushal: you can get a 'heavenly cold'....
Make of this what you wish.....