This is a day that can try a man's soul
What is a 'soul' anyway ??? Do I really have much of one ? I wish I could say that I did, but there are some days on which one feels neither good nor bad. One just feels a sort of 'so what ' feeling, wondering what there is to et excited about. Today could be one such day.
There have been times when I have felt a great deal of enthusiasm for something ... meeting someone new, taking a new job, trying something that I've never tried before. Perhaps I've been referred to as anxious before, but is anxiety such a bad thing ? It leads to excitement and passion, gives one that feeling of an intense beating of one's heart that's difficult to describe. Take away anxiety, and from my perspective, one takes away one's zest and enthusiasm for life, one's yearning for something more , and one's desire for action over passivity.
I am a man of action--- I despise stagnation. My speech is intense, dynamic, rapid, and energetic . A conversation with me may not seem relaxed - but one would be hard pressed to say that its not stimulating. And yet I feel that as a result of my medication, I am being robbed of the very traits that make me who I am. I feel, somehow, as I have been sedated, even 'neutered'. Undoubtedly, SSRIs do have an effect on one's neurotransmitters, and I feel as if I have been forced to undergo 'behavioral modification'. The main question is, and it may be a dangerous one to pose, is, whose interests does my behavioral modification serve ?
I spoke to John Evans, a licensed nurse practitioner who specializes in medication management, on Monday. And what did he say ? Essentially, stay the course. No, he said, he wasn't going to reduce my dosage of Paroxetene just yet --- I will have to consult with Dr.Dye, and Dr.Dye may put me on something else rather than reduce my medication. I asked Evans about the sexual side effects of Paxil, and his respose was simple, oh yeah, we can fix it he said....What's he gonna do , give me some Viagra ? Probably, meaning I'll be on two meds rather than one. What a wonderful way to line the pockets of the drug manufacturers.
They dont want me off the medication -- they have a vested interest in keeping me on it. Its scary to think that the medication that they're putting me on happens to be mind altering ---- from one perspective, this could be seen as a form of 'thought control', something that seems characteristic of totalitarian societies. They use scare tactics to keep me on he medication ---i.e.'if you were to go off Paxil too quickly you'll be sicker than you've ever been'...etc, etc... Seen in another light, medication and therapy can be likened to fascist 're-education' camps where political opponents are sent. Don't think for yourself, we'll do all of the thinking for you, if you think in away that disturbs the system, you need 'treatment'...
Sometimes it all seems to fall into place. The corporate elites in this country, the drug manufactures, the insurance companies, and the huge multinational corporations have a vested interest in keeping me a 'medicated man', for the whole economic system seems to thrive on convincing me that I am somehow lacking, that if I dont have this or that I am inadequate in one way or another. The system wants me to be lonely, to be isolated, so that I will seek counseling and medication. The system wants me to grow fat and clog my arteries by having me consume double bacon-cheesburgers and then purchase lipitor to unclog those same arteries. The system wants me to go on Paxil to relieve symptoms of 'anxiety' and then suffer Erectile Disfunction as a result of taking that Paxil so that it can sell me some Viagra. And it goes on and on and on. You havent seen this movie ?? Dang, what planet are you on, go out and rent it ! You havent played this video game ??? Go out and buy it What if its a waste of my time and money ??? What if I'd rather spend my time breathing fresh air or hiking in the woods or reading or canoeing or actually sitting down and having a meaningful discussion with my fellow human beings. What id I happen to prefer Vivaldi to Usher or 50 Cent ? Then I'm a flake. Than I'm weird. Then I'm living in the 17th century.
Doesnt anyone get it ? I want my soul back . My individuality. My ability to be myself and not what society tells me I should want to be. Screw the medications. Screw the insurance companies and the therapists and the 'nurse practitioners .Let me be who I am, who I was meant to be, even if that means that I will come across as an eccentic nonconformist who refuses to adhere to society's conventions. Give me my essence. That essence, that individuality in each one of us, is what makes the world such an interesting place.
There have been times when I have felt a great deal of enthusiasm for something ... meeting someone new, taking a new job, trying something that I've never tried before. Perhaps I've been referred to as anxious before, but is anxiety such a bad thing ? It leads to excitement and passion, gives one that feeling of an intense beating of one's heart that's difficult to describe. Take away anxiety, and from my perspective, one takes away one's zest and enthusiasm for life, one's yearning for something more , and one's desire for action over passivity.
I am a man of action--- I despise stagnation. My speech is intense, dynamic, rapid, and energetic . A conversation with me may not seem relaxed - but one would be hard pressed to say that its not stimulating. And yet I feel that as a result of my medication, I am being robbed of the very traits that make me who I am. I feel, somehow, as I have been sedated, even 'neutered'. Undoubtedly, SSRIs do have an effect on one's neurotransmitters, and I feel as if I have been forced to undergo 'behavioral modification'. The main question is, and it may be a dangerous one to pose, is, whose interests does my behavioral modification serve ?
I spoke to John Evans, a licensed nurse practitioner who specializes in medication management, on Monday. And what did he say ? Essentially, stay the course. No, he said, he wasn't going to reduce my dosage of Paroxetene just yet --- I will have to consult with Dr.Dye, and Dr.Dye may put me on something else rather than reduce my medication. I asked Evans about the sexual side effects of Paxil, and his respose was simple, oh yeah, we can fix it he said....What's he gonna do , give me some Viagra ? Probably, meaning I'll be on two meds rather than one. What a wonderful way to line the pockets of the drug manufacturers.
They dont want me off the medication -- they have a vested interest in keeping me on it. Its scary to think that the medication that they're putting me on happens to be mind altering ---- from one perspective, this could be seen as a form of 'thought control', something that seems characteristic of totalitarian societies. They use scare tactics to keep me on he medication ---i.e.'if you were to go off Paxil too quickly you'll be sicker than you've ever been'...etc, etc... Seen in another light, medication and therapy can be likened to fascist 're-education' camps where political opponents are sent. Don't think for yourself, we'll do all of the thinking for you, if you think in away that disturbs the system, you need 'treatment'...
Sometimes it all seems to fall into place. The corporate elites in this country, the drug manufactures, the insurance companies, and the huge multinational corporations have a vested interest in keeping me a 'medicated man', for the whole economic system seems to thrive on convincing me that I am somehow lacking, that if I dont have this or that I am inadequate in one way or another. The system wants me to be lonely, to be isolated, so that I will seek counseling and medication. The system wants me to grow fat and clog my arteries by having me consume double bacon-cheesburgers and then purchase lipitor to unclog those same arteries. The system wants me to go on Paxil to relieve symptoms of 'anxiety' and then suffer Erectile Disfunction as a result of taking that Paxil so that it can sell me some Viagra. And it goes on and on and on. You havent seen this movie ?? Dang, what planet are you on, go out and rent it ! You havent played this video game ??? Go out and buy it What if its a waste of my time and money ??? What if I'd rather spend my time breathing fresh air or hiking in the woods or reading or canoeing or actually sitting down and having a meaningful discussion with my fellow human beings. What id I happen to prefer Vivaldi to Usher or 50 Cent ? Then I'm a flake. Than I'm weird. Then I'm living in the 17th century.
Doesnt anyone get it ? I want my soul back . My individuality. My ability to be myself and not what society tells me I should want to be. Screw the medications. Screw the insurance companies and the therapists and the 'nurse practitioners .Let me be who I am, who I was meant to be, even if that means that I will come across as an eccentic nonconformist who refuses to adhere to society's conventions. Give me my essence. That essence, that individuality in each one of us, is what makes the world such an interesting place.