S/L "Letters"
Look what I did again instead of reading for class...
Title: "Letters"
Pairing: Sirius/Remus, with a bit of Sirius and Regulus (non romantic)
Rating: R
Summary: Sirius' last summer with his family ends in a discovery. Written for the elemental prompt fire: Passion, youth, catharsis
Letters
The squeal of the electric guitar nearly drowned out a shrill laugh echoing from somewhere beneath the floorboard. Staring up at the ceiling, Sirius watched the pendant light vibrate as a pulsing bass filled his room. Crystals swung wildly back and forth, their slight tinkle only adding to the music streaming from his 8 track player. He hummed, trying to lose himself in the song, squeezing his eyes closed and almost forgetting that he had heard his cousin downstairs.
“Nobody wants him, he just stares at the world,” he sang under his breath, rumpling his curly black hair as he pressed his head into the pillow. “Planning his vengeance, that he will soon-”
His door swung open without a knock. He heard the hinges squeak but only acknowledged his brother’s presence by ceasing to sing. His eyes, which had once watched the pendant lamp with mild detachment, now grew fascinated with the prisms of light bouncing around the room. He grinned, nodding his head slightly to the rhythm of the guitar.
“Mother says to turn off that rotten Muggle music.” Regulus stood in the doorway, arms crossed. His stringy black hair covered his eyes, but Sirius didn’t need to look to know that his eyebrows were furiously knitting together. If there was anything his brother hated, it was rock music. Sirius smirked, reaching over and twisting a knob on his Stereo 8. The song got louder.
“Did you hear me, Sirius?” The younger boy’s hands were now clasped over his ears, his fingers shaking slightly. “Mum says to turn off that hideous Muggle music box before she comes up and tosses it out the window. Bellatrix and Narcissa are-”
“Cissy, too?” Groaning, Sirius sat up in bed, his head whipping around to stare at the other boy. He frowned for a moment, but a smirk soon crossed his unhappy face. “All the more reason to keep this turned up then, don’t you think? Wouldn’t want to hear that twat giggling all night.”
Regulus stared for a moment, open mouthed. Sirius reckoned a Snitch could have flown right down his throat by the way he was gaping. ‘At least he’d finally make a catch.’ Sirius let out a bark of a laugh, watching him. “What? Did big brother say a bad word?”
“Narcissa is our cousin! If this family means anything to you, you should show her some respect, and Bellatrix, too.”
“Oh? Then show me some bloody respect and leave. How does that sound?”
Flinging himself back on the bed, Sirius closed his eyes, letting his brother know that the conversation was over. Regulus let out an unintelligible grumble but his voice disappeared under a mounting guitar solo. The door slammed, the light overhead swinging precariously.
Sirius waited until he heard his brother stomp onto the second floor landing. Reaching over towards the Stereo 8 he had snuck into his room at the start of the holiday, he grasped the knob. He considered turning it down, but, not wanting to give his mother the satisfaction, he decided against it. Instead his hand withdrew from the plastic nub, moving to a square of parchment neatly creased and tucked beneath the corner of the lamp. He eased it out, unfolding it and letting it rest on his chest, propped open so that he could read.
Dearest Padfoot,
I hope things aren’t too terrible back at home. Dad is stressing about work, but other than that, things around here are normal. I haven’t heard anything about our O.W.L.S. yet. I wish they’d just send us the scores so I could stop thinking about it. I know my essay on switching spells was pretty awful. I guess I should’ve studied transfiguration a bit more, right? Hopefully McGonagall will still take me on for N.E.W.T.S. so I can stay with you and James…
Sirius rolled his eyes. Why on earth Remus still bothered with this kind of small talk, Sirius would never know. Small talk about grades, no less. But he knew what was coming. He had read the letter three times since receiving it last night, the parchment corners already rumpled with use. His eyes moved quickly down the page.
I think about you all the time. I wish we were back at Hogsmeade, sitting together at the Three Broomsticks or walking out by the hill at the edge of town. I loved it most when we stayed late so I could hold your hand after everyone else went back to school.
A satisfied smile spread across Sirius’ face. He could feel the embarrassment in every word; his friend’s trepidation showed in every halted stroke of his quill. His writing, usually loopy and smooth, looked somewhat smaller and messier than normal. He could see Remus bent over his writing desk, his cheeks flushed and his sandy hair hanging down over his eyes. Sirius licked his lips, his hand trembling as he slipped it under the covers.
Most of all I wish we were back in the dormitories. Every night while I try to fall asleep I remember watching you, curtains cracked open so I could hear your breath getting faster and watch you smiling at me from the bed next to mine…
Sirius’ fingers fumbled with his zipper, his hand finally making it into his jeans. The shy Remus in his mind transformed into a wanton, breathless Remus, suddenly courageous in the darkness of their dorm. It had been a game with them, to watch each other when they knew the others had drifted off to sleep. Sirius remembered Remus throwing back his head, his arm jerking faster beneath the sheets as his lips formed Sirius’ name. Sirius’ own hand wrapped around his swollen flesh, his hips bucking slightly into his palm.
Do you think James ever realized that we never saw his last match? Even if he did, it was worth it to feel your body pressed against mine, your fingers scratching my back as we kissed. I wish I could spend every night with you like that. I miss you so much…
Remus’ memory led Sirius back to the day of the final game against Ravenclaw. They had left the stands and crept into their room after everyone else had cleared out. Sirius had pressed Remus against their door, ravaging his mouth as his fingers explored his body. Remus’ cheeks, his skin dented by scars, already drenched in sweat. His chest: His heart hammering as Sirius’ hand slipped into his school robes, tracing over the lean muscles of his abdomen. His…
“What’s that letter?”
At the sound of his brother’s voice, Sirius snapped back to reality, snatching the parchment with his free hand as he struggled to close his pants with the other. He drew in a shaky breath, trying to hold back the blush that threatened to stain his cheeks. “What the fucking hell do you want now?” He had planned on sounding intimidating, but his voice came out strained and panting.
“I knocked.” Regulus eyed him, remaining, much to Sirius’ relief, lurking in the doorway. Though as Sirius forced up his zipper, relief seemed highly impossible. Scanning his brother’s face, he couldn’t be certain whether he knew what he had caught him at or not. “Maybe if you didn’t have your music up so loud you would’ve heard me.”
“Yeah, yeah, so what is it now? Playing mum’s lapdog again?”
“Supper is ready. Mother wants you to join us.”
“Wants?” Snorting, he pushed his hair down over his forehead, hoping to hide the sweat prickling above his brow. He drew in a deep breath, regaining some of his composure. “Wants to make sure I’m as miserable as possible tonight, then?”
“Or I could tell her you’re…busy.”
Their eyes met, and Sirius quickly looked away, the blush he had fought to conceal now burning his cheeks. “Get out. I’ll be down.”
Regulus nodded slightly, whirling around on his heels and heading towards the stairs. Watching him go, Sirius couldn’t help but notice that his pallid cheeks were a bit pinker than normal. Sliding out of bed, Sirius looked down, gritting his teeth and adjusting himself. With one last longing glance at the parchment, he flicked off the 8 track, leaving the room in silence as he disappeared into the hall.
He had barely made it onto the landing before his cousin’s shrill voice sent a shiver down his spine. “This is lovely Aunt Walburga, just lovely,” Narcissa giggled, her voice far from convincing. “How nice of you to serve us in the dining room. We really aren’t that important, are we?” From Narcissa’s drawl, it was clear she thought herself very important indeed. Sirius dragged his fingers through his tousled locks, tugging them a bit too hard as he forced his feet to shuffle down the stairs.
“Nonsense, Narcissa, nonsense,” his mother quipped. He could almost see her shaking her head emphatically, her loose bun swaying back and forth. “Come now, tell me more about young Malfoy. Druella is just thrilled with him. What a fine boy.”
Narcissa forced another giggle. Sirius stomped onto the bottom floor, his bare feet slapping as he burst into the dining room. As he entered, all heads turned in his direction.
“By Salazar, boy, what are you wearing?” His mother snapped, her beady eyes narrowing. He felt her gaze moving over his jeans, making him painfully conscious of their tightness. He straightened his shoulders, trying to keep his cool, and strutted towards an empty seat. The black candles hovering over the table lurched as he yanked out a chair.
Walburga turned to the girls, heaving an emphatic sigh. “I’m sorry, dears. I just don’t know what to do with him. I swear he does these things to upset me.”
Bellatrix laughed a bit too loudly, throwing back her head. Her feathered hairpiece nearly fell from its perch atop her thick nest of curls. “Auntie Walburga, no need to apologize. These things happen even in the purest of families. He may be as stunning as his father, but family resemblance isn’t everything. Look at our dear sister.” At the mention of their sibling, Narcissa made a face like she had caught wind of a house elf. Sirius struggled to hold back a snicker, remembering how his mother had once called Cissy ‘serene.’
Walburga finally averted her eyes from Sirius, offering Bellatrix a weak smile. “I suppose you are right, dearest. It is so hard for my husband, wondering how the family heir could have turned out so dreadful. We are trying our best to pass full inheritance rights to Regulus, but it is such a process.”
Sirius glanced at his brother out of the corner of his eye. The younger boy stared down at his wine glass, a smug smile on his lips. “I guess someone has to like you best, Regi.”
“Enough, Sirius!”
He rolled his eyes. His brother, who had seemed so pleased with himself moments before, now looked a bit crestfallen.
Bellatrix, who had managed to push the plumes back into her hair, gave no indication that she had heard them. “But as I was saying, Auntie, my Rodolphus is doing everything to pass this motion calling for the death of those giants up north. If it goes through, he’ll round them up and make them pay for what they’ve done. Won’t that be lovely?” She laughed shrilly.
Sirius lifted his glass to his lips, his eyes half lidded, lulled by the flicker of dipping candles and the smell of roasting duck wafting through the door. Soon they would be complaining about goblins again, as if Sirius didn’t hear enough about goblins back at school. His frustration nearly forgotten, he zoned out, imagining his arms wrapping around Remus as they lingered by the edge of the forest, the moon already high above Gryffindor tower…
“Giants are one thing, dear Bellatrix, and not the least of our concerns. But your uncle fears that soon they will be treating werewolves like our equals. Can you imagine? I heard this monster is pressuring the ministry for reforms to the employment laws. What on earth is this country coming to?”
Sirius’ eyes snapped open.
“Are you serious?” Narcissa exhaled sharply. “Well, I never…”
“Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting, it is. Treating them like they matter, like they have feelings…”
“One of the fifth years reckons there’s a werewolf at Hogwarts.” At the sound of his brother’s choked whisper, his insides gave a jolt. His hand tightened around the stem of his glass, fingers shaking and blood draining from his knuckles. He could feel his palm sweating against the crystal.
“Nonsense, Regulus. Dumbledore may be a fool, but even he would have the good sense…”
“He’s in Gryffindor. N-name’s Remus Lupin,” If Sirius could’ve used magic, his brother would have already been on the floor in flames. Sirius’ eyes burned with hatred, blue irises glinting in the candlelight. His brother was too much like his parents, to be sure, but even he didn’t usually go asking for trouble like this. The glass in Sirius’ hand shook so hard that a bit of wine sloshed on his shirt.
“Gryffindor, you say?” Bellatrix gave a strangled yelp, her eyes on Sirius. “No surprise there. Maybe he’ll bite this one, give you an excuse to get rid of him, Auntie.”
“I just don’t think, Regulus…”
“Severus swears up and down that he disappears every month at the full moon. None of the Slytherins want to sit next to him in class, it’s just terrible. He’s one of Sirius’ mates...”
“Severus, you say? Eileen’s boy?” Walburga’s hatred of werewolves seemed to have won out over her contempt for half-bloods. She turned on Sirius, shooting him a furious stare. “Werewolf or not, I can’t believe you’re dirtying our name with this…this filthy…”
The glass stem in Sirius’ hand shattered, a shower of wine splattering on the lace tablecloth. Trails of red trickled down his wrist, dripping from his elbow onto the floor. A shard of glass jammed into his palm. He didn’t notice. His lip shook with fury as he pushed back his chair, kicking it onto the rug. “You know nothing about Remus, you old hag.” He spat, storming out of the room without a second glance at his cousins.
“Goodness.” Walburga’s laugh came as a yelp, loathing and shame swelling in her voice. “R-Regulus, dear, c-could you get Kreacher? Y-yes…I am so terribly sorry, Narcissa…”
Sirius could hear his brother chasing him, his clumsy footfalls tailing him up two flights of stairs. He forced himself to breathe, his entire body alight with rage. He wanted nothing more than to whip around and give his younger brother a shove over the banister. His hands twitched as he imagined them lifting him up by his shirt collar, slamming him…
“You were asking for it,” Regulus hissed, now only a few steps behind him. “Strutting around like some kind of king, treating mother like rubbish…”
“She is rubbish. Doesn’t need me to point that out, does she?” Sirius reached the end of the third floor hallway, giving his doorknob a tug. His palm stung as the glass sank further into his flesh.
“J-just because she prefers me to you. Just because I got in Slytherin and you didn’t!”
Standing in the doorway, Sirius crossed his arms, snarling as if daring the younger boy to take another step. “I’d sooner drop out of school than be in Slytherin with you. So, getting on with Snivellus now? I mean, I know you’re not as popular as me, but I didn’t realize you had stooped to that level. Reckon you’ll stop bathing any time soon?”
“Shut up!” Regulus snapped, keeping his distance. “At least I didn’t tell mum Filch caught you and that werewolf snogging in the broom closet during winter holiday! You should be grateful I didn’t tell her that you’re nothing but an arrogant poof and everyone knows it.”
The color drained from Sirius’ cheeks. “What did you say?” He growled, barring his teeth as he advanced on his brother. Regulus backed away, knowing at once that he had said too much. “W-what did you…? How…?”
Looking somewhere between satisfied and terrified, Regulus leaned against the wall. “These things get around, Sirius…I-I hope it bites you. It’d serve you right for shagging that nasty scar-faced bloke.”
“Get the fuck out,” He took a step into the hall, pointing towards the staircase. “Get. Out.”
Regulus opened his mouth to say something, but as his eyes met Sirius’ he quickly regressed. Stumbling back towards the other end of the hall, he spun on his heels, lunging for the stairs. Sirius balled his hands into fists, listening as the other boy’s footfalls faded into the rooms below. He squeezed his eyes closed, the knot in his stomach throbbing. Trying his best to breathe, he wobbled backwards, not stopping until his thighs met the edge of his bed. He slumped across the mattress.
Staring at the ceiling for a moment, expecting to wake up and find that he had simply dozed off while listening to music, he tried to sort out his thoughts. He felt like he could be sick: rage, fear, and shock churning in the pit of his chest. ‘I should’ve puked on him, that would showed the little prat…’
After a long pause, he curled up onto his side, his clean hand fumbling on his nightstand for his quill. His hand shook as he clutched the parchment, scrawling a few sloppy words.
Moony, I need you. Meet me in the Leaky Cauldron at noon tomorrow if you can.
He paused, trying to steady his hand as he added a tiny heart to the bottom of the note. Folding it quickly, he rose from bed, staggering across the room to Argyros’ cage.
____________________
By the time Sirius appeared in the archway at the back of the Leaky Cauldron, Remus was already hovering by the door. Hands shoved deep in his pockets, he shifted his weight from one foot to the other, gazing longingly at the street beyond. Sirius cracked a smile, knowing too well that the other boy expected him to be late. In truth he had been hanging around Diagon Alley for hours waiting for him. It wasn’t easy leaving Grimmauld Place while his parents were awake.
Clutching a package under his arm, Sirius crossed the deserted pub, creeping up behind Remus and wrapping an arm around his waist. “Waiting for someone?” He pulled him back into an embrace.
Remus’ face, reflected at him in the glass, darkened to a deep shade of pink. “You’re early, Padfoot. I’m impressed.” He winked.
“Mmh, couldn’t wait to see you,” he nuzzled his neck with his nose, slipping the package into Remus’ bag. It was plain wrapped and tied with twine, its shape indistinguishable, though Sirius knew it contained a set of neatly folded school robes. Remus’ old uniform, which had been bought secondhand, had suffered several unfortunate accidents during their trysts last year, one of which had left a few seams beyond repair. “Don’t open it until you get home, and don’t you dare send it back.”
Remus opened his mouth to protest, but at that moment the door swung open. They separated, stumbling away from each other, both looking like they had spotted Mrs. Norris. The old warlock in the doorway didn’t seem to understand what he had just walked in on, squinting at them over his filthy glasses. “Looking a bit peaky there, chaps. Could stand for a few drinks, eh?”
Sirius coughed, “Uh, yeah, good idea. One second, Remus.” He headed for the bar. Waiting for a moment, he glanced around the corner and trying to figure out what had become of the landlord. The only other man in the room was the fat old warlock they had met in the entryway. Sirius looked at him again, reaching over the counter and grabbing a bottle of firewhiskey and two butterbeers. He left a stack of Sickles by the cash register. “Hey, you. When Tom gets back, tell him I left the money for these right here, got it?”
The warlock offered a curt nod, unperturbed by the sixteen year old dashing for the door with a bottle of Ogden’s clutched to his chest. When Remus saw him, his mouth fell open. “I hope you didn’t…”
“I paid for it, love, I swear.” He offered him a silly smile, nodding towards the street. “Come on, up for a walk?”
“Out there?” Remus raised an eyebrow.
“I fancy it would be more private than Diagon Alley. By the way, Moony, dear, you wouldn’t mind keeping these in your bag, would you?” He passed him the drinks, not waiting for a response.
Remus sighed, the corners of his mouth twitching. “I suppose not. Getting caught with firewhiskey shoved in my school bag sounds like loads of fun, Padfoot.”
“Knew you’d agree.” With a roguish wink, Sirius pulled open the door, waiting for Remus to step outside. Falling into step beside him, he reached for his hand as soon as they disappeared into the swarm of Muggles. When their fingers crossed, Remus gave him a gentle squeeze. The couple walked in silence, winding their way through the mob as they traveled down Charing Cross Road. Remus watched his lover’s face, worried that he might not know where they were heading, but after a turn onto Sutton Row a cluster of trees appeared before them.
“Here we go,” he nodded towards the square. “Soho. The last place in the city mum would come hunting for me. But only because she doesn’t know where it is, mind you.”
Remus chuckled, glancing to his side as they passed what he guessed to be a Muggle gay bar. As reckless as Sirius might be, he was smart. Judging by the flashy crowds and performing artists on the streets, he highly doubted anyone would take note of two young wizards out for a date. All reservations aside, he followed him to a clear spot of grass beneath the branches of a tree.
As soon as Remus had discarded his bag, Sirius tugged him down into a kiss. Their mouths pressed together, lips parting as Remus buried his hand in the other boy’s curly hair. Flicking his tongue into his mouth, Sirius let out a tiny gasp as Remus caught the tip between his teeth and gave it a careful tug. His own hand pressed against his friend’s chest, his thumb tracing his collarbone through the thin cotton fabric. “You look good in Muggle clothes,” he mumbled against his lips, his voice husky.
Remus’ cheeks flushed. “Um, thanks, I think.”
“You think?” Breaking the kiss reluctantly, Sirius settled down by his side, slipping his arm around his slender waist. “Sometimes you don’t realize how good you look, Remus. You need a bit of self-confidence.”
A chuckle escaped Remus’ lips. “I could borrow a bit from you or James, seeing as you have plenty to spare.”
“Good idea,” Sirius responded in mock seriousness. “I’d recommend James. Whenever I see him playing Quidditch I expect him to float away like a hot air balloon. We wouldn’t want that, would we?”
Remus laughed wholeheartedly, resting his head on Sirius’ shoulder. “Oh? And what about you, then?”
“You misunderstand me, Moony. My confidence is well founded. Stunning good looks, more money at my disposal than most of our professors, top marks, and…” He turned his neck, kissing the top of Remus’ head. “Not to mention, of course, having the best looking lover at Hogwarts.”
“If you’re into vagrants and monsters, maybe.”
Sirius nudged his side playfully, the hand at his waist sliding down to rest on his hip. “Well, turns out I am. Lucky for you, right?”
Remus rolled his eyes, lifting his head to kiss Sirius’ neck. “If I thought you were serious, I’d be very turned off right now.”
“Well, I’m serious about the last bit. The bit about you, I mean.”
Chuckling softly, Remus reached into his bag, producing three bottles. He passed one of the butterbeers to Sirius. “Thanks for the drinks, by the way. I’ll get them next time.”
“No way. I know your parents have been spending a ton on potions. At least my old hag can do something nice for us sometimes. Or, at least, her money vault can.” He watched Remus’ expression, frowning as a look of discomfort flickered in his eyes. Sirius leaned forward, tracing his earlobe with his tongue. “Besides,” he whispered, letting his breath tickle the other boy’s neck. “I can think of a few things you can do to repay me when we get some alone time.”
Sirius grinned, feeling his lover shiver beneath his touch. “I was thinking about that yesterday, how much I’d like to feel your lips around me, sucking me-”
“Sirius, we’re in public!” He hissed under his breath, but a slight moan betrayed his own enjoyment of the conversation. Sirius offered him a knowing smile. “I-I mean,” Remus began again. “For someone who’s always looking behind us every few seconds at school, you certainly don’t seem to care what you do out here.”
“Muggles, Remus,” he gestured wildly to the passing crowds. “Queer Muggles, at that. It’s not like I care about people finding out, just, you know…”
“James,” Remus’ expression changed, now looking a bit sullen. “Yeah, I know, Padfoot. I know.”
Sirius noticed the hurt in the other boy’s voice, but didn’t know what to do. After an awkward moment of unformed words, Sirius leaned over him, grabbing the bottle of Ogden’s and snapping off the cap. He held it up to Remus’ lips. “Want a swig?”
Remus hesitated, his eyes scanning Sirius’ face. Seeing the apology in his friend’s eyes, he took the bottle, his own frown dissipating. No matter what Sirius did, he couldn’t stay mad at him. “Well, I guess a bit would do me some good.”
“That’s the spirit. Even perfect little prefects should have a bit of fun.”
Shaking his head, Remus took a long sip from the bottle. The whiskey burned all the way down, leaving him a bit flushed. He felt Sirius’ thumb caressing his hip, barely dipping beneath the top of his pants. “Perfect little prefects,” he watched him, a soft smile on his lips, “don’t get caught snogging with their mate on Christmas Eve.”
Sirius coughed, sputtering, nearly missing the bottle that Remus tried to pass to him. “Er, about that…” He matched Remus’ surprise with a sheepish smile, unable to meet his friend’s gaze. “Snivellus is in with Filch. He’s been spreading that story around Slytherin a bit. He told my brother before leaving for summer holiday.”
Remus averted his eyes, his hand moving down to rest on Sirius’. His tone suddenly changed. “He probably blames you for the bit with his trousers, after O.W.L.S.” He watched Sirius’ face, stopping his friend before he had the chance to argue. “I know it was James, but you were laughing. Don’t deny it.”
“Who wasn’t laughing? Snivellus is rotten.”
Not bothering to correct him, Remus merely shrugged. “I hope Regulus doesn’t get you in trouble with your mum. From my end, I don’t care if everyone finds out, but my parents are different. They’d be thrilled that someone wants to be with me, I think.”
Sirius opened his mouth, but, seeing the serene look on his lover’s face, decided he hadn’t the heart to tell him what other secret Snape had passed along to Regulus. The worst that could happen if someone exposed their relationship was a bit of teasing from James, maybe an ugly row with his mum. But if the school found out about Remus, Dumbledore would have no choice but to expel him. The outcry would be unbearable. Biting his lip slightly at the thought, Sirius leaned back against the tree, inviting Remus to join him. “Well, you know what, fuck them. Fuck them all, and Snivellus especially. Half the blokes in our year get on with birds all the time, no one has the right to give us shit.”
Remus smiled in spite of himself, guessing these words might be fueled by false confidence, but deciding he didn’t much care. He leaned back with Sirius, his head resting gently against his chest. “In any case, Severus probably just wants in with your brother and his friends. I doubt many people will take him seriously. Most of the girls like you, you know.”
“Well, I mean, who could blame them, eh, Moony?” Offering him a goofy grin, Sirius pushed his hair back in a gesture that, unfortunately, reminded him of James. Remus might have scolded him for it if the other boy hadn’t chosen that moment to roll on top of him and pin him to the ground. With a devilish look, Sirius pressed their lips together, stopping his protests before they could leave his mouth.
____________________
The pair parted at the bottom of the Underground steps, Remus swearing he would come into London again as soon as the full moon had passed. With one last awkward embrace, he turned away, disappearing through the turnstile. Sirius lingered a moment, trying to get another glimpse of his sandy hair through the crowds, satisfied only when he heard the faint roar of a train pulling in below his feet. There was another soft rumble, and he was gone.
Climbing the concrete stairs, Sirius frowned. Though the sun blazed above him, he felt a slight prickle of rain on his exposed arms. He lifted his hand to shade his eyes, his suspicion confirmed as droplets splashed off the backs of his fingers. Around him, Muggles dug in their bags for umbrellas, but the rain seemed to disappear as soon as it hit his skin, evaporating in the summer heat. He heaved a sigh, trudging back to Diagon Alley.
Nearly a quarter of an hour passed before he found himself in front of the Leaky Cauldron. Giving the door a jerk, he caught a glimpse of his reflection in the glass. The rain had done a number on his hair, his thick curls now frizzy and disheveled. He dragged his fingers through them, yanking vainly at a knot. Once satisfied with his appearance, he turned to the fireplace. He lingered a bit too long, pretending to dig for floo powder even though he knew very well that it was in his back pocket. Glancing around the friendly pub, he parted his lips, forcing the words from his mouth. “Number 12 Grimmauld Place.”
His stomach lurched, and soon he stood at the hearth in his kitchen. Kreacher, who wore a sneer of contempt, looked up from the sink. “Young master has returned, yes, yes he has. The Mistress will be pleased, or will she be? We will see.”
Sirius rolled his eyes, pretending he hadn’t heard the elf as he made for the stairs. The portraits lining the entryway darted from frame to frame, whispering frantically amongst themselves. It took a day in the warm sun to remind Sirius how bloody rotten this place really was. He slunk to the stairs, the bottom step letting out a creak as his foot weighed down on it.
“Sirius?” The cool voice of his father drifted in from the dining room.
Pausing only a moment, Sirius wondered if he still had time to pretend he hadn’t heard. But before he could make for the next step, another voice called to him. “You heard your father, you filthy brat. He wants to talk to you. Show some respect!”
Sirius hid his face in his palms to stifle a groan. He withdrew his foot, turning back towards the door. His mother sounded particularly venomous today, which could mean nothing good for him. Removing his hands, he drew in a deep breath, puffing up his chest and stepping into the dining room. “Yeah? What do you want, dad?”
Orion didn’t look up as his son entered, his expression cold but vague. Walburga, however, studied him with every ounce of loathing she had ever shown in her eyes, which, by Sirius’ reckoning, was enough to kill kittens with a mere glance. He tensed in spite of himself, hovering in the doorway. “You, uh, you wanted me?”
“Sit.”
“Yeah, sure,” he mumbled, his confidence deflating by the second. He reached for the nearest chair, slumping down into it, wracking his brain for anything that might have made his parents this upset. They hated when he snuck out, of course, but never like this. His eyes studied the purple splotches on the tablecloth before him. “So I snuck out for a bit of fun. I’m sixteen, you know. No need for mum to get her knickers in a knot…”
Walburga snarled, but Orion cut her off. “Your mother caught your owl flying in after you left this morning.”
Sirius blinked. ‘Argyros? What the…?’ A strange thought crossed his mind. What if O.W.L.S. had arrived and he had somehow tanked them? But he quickly dismissed these worries. He had aced those tests, he was sure of it. If not O.W.L.S., though, then what…?
His father removed a square of parchment from his pocket, pushing it across the table. Sirius followed it with his eyes, noticing his name scrawled on the front in a familiar, loopy hand. His stomach sank. Glancing up at his parents, he snatched the letter, tearing it open.
Dearest Sirius,
I’d love to! The moon isn’t full for another week, and mum and dad are off visiting mum’s cousin in Wales. I’ll be waiting for you at noon. I can hardly wait.
With all my love,
Remus
Ps. Your note sounded a bit frantic. I hope everything is all right. You can tell me if your mother is being miserable, you know. Anyways, we’ll talk tomorrow. I’ll be dreaming of you until then.
Admittedly, the letter wasn’t nearly as bad as it could have been, though this was no small relief for Sirius. He let out a cough, tucking his shaking hands under the table and mustering a brave face. “So…? I met my mate downtown. W-what’s the bloody deal with you two?”
“Remus,” his mother spat, her bony hands curling into fists on the table. “Remus Lupin, was it? ‘The moon isn’t full for another week.’ Your brother was telling us the truth, and you knew it! Are you out of your bloody mind?! You…you...!”
Sirius met his mother’s anger with frantic protests, leaping to his feet. “Remus likes astronomy, all right? Just because you’re a racist old hag doesn’t mean you have to jump to conclusions about my mates all the time. If he were in Slytherin, you wouldn’t give a fuck!”
“W-what…what did you just call me? You need to learn some manners, boy!”
“Sit down, Sirius.” His father finally met his eyes, nodding tersely towards the empty seat. His lip curled, betraying the anger beneath his composed façade. “Sit.”
Shoving his hands into his pockets, Sirius circled around the chair, flinging his body into it. He remained silent, not trusting his own voice.
After a pause, his father began again. “I have not shared my thoughts with your mother, but judging by your reaction to this boy’s name, I’m afraid I have to address them. When I was in school, Sirius, my mates never signed letters ‘with all my love,’ nor would they have admitted to dreaming about me. There is something between you and this Remus. It disgusts me to say this, but I fear this boy is your lover.”
Walburga screeched, her eyes darting between the two men. “W-what?! WHAT?” She threw back her chair, charging at Sirius. “You’ve been…with this…” She sputtered, her fury beyond words. Sirius clenched his hands together, fighting the urge to recoil as he felt his mum’s hot breath on his cheek. She leaned over him, staring intently into his eyes.
He answered without hesitation. “Yeah, he is,” he gritted his teeth in defiance. “And what’s it to you? Fuck the lot of you. He’s better than anyone in this rotten family.”
His father was now on his feet. With a flick of Orion’s hand, the knives placed around the table rose up, suspended for a moment in time. Sirius glanced between them, struggling to rise with his mother still pressed against the back of his chair. ‘He’s going to kill me,’ Sirius thought, another wave of dread washing over him as he realized with a start that he didn’t have his wand.
But as Sirius raised his hand, prepared to break the sanction on underage wizardry with a summoning charm, the knives slammed down into the table in front of him. His father watched, his face red with rage. “How can you call yourself a Black? How can you dishonor everything we’ve given to you, everything this family stands for?”
Realizing he was not about to die had rekindled his confidence. Now he could tell them everything: all the secrets he had kept for years, all his hatred for their family. It was catharsis by fire, and Sirius could not refuse it. “What this family stands for?” He growled. “You mean the dark arts, then? Or mum’s fantasies about being better than everyone else when you’re really a bunch of overbred trolls? I’m ashamed to call myself a Black! I’d rather be a werewolf than heir to this lot!”
His mother yanked the chair from behind him, grabbing him by the shoulders and whirling him around. Her eyes bulged, “How dare you forsake the blood that gave you life, the blessing we have passed on to you! While your brother worked hard to honor us knowing he would never be heir, you took up with some…some…”
“This isn’t about Remus!” He gave his mother a shove, beyond caring about consequences. “All my life I’ve hated this family. I never brought my mates around because I didn’t want them to know what my parents are. Your talk about pureblood is a joke when you’re such a miserable excuse for a human yourself.”
“Says the prat who’s buggering a werewolf.”
Tearing away from his mother, Sirius rounded back on his father, his body now quivering with rage. “Yeah, says me.”
“I will do anything to have you disinherited, even if I have to kill you myself, boy.”
“No need. I’m leaving.” The words left his mouth before he had time to think, but, once said, he knew he couldn’t take them back. He wracked his brain for a plan. He had dreamed of leaving for years. Life would be better. He’d go to live with Remus…no, not Remus. His parents couldn’t afford another person in their house. James. He’d go to the Potters. He’d write to his uncle for money. Everything would be fine, he would be free…
Silence descended between them as Sirius envisioned his escape. When his mother finally spoke, there was a hint of panic in her voice that he found quite unexpected. “A-are you, boy? Where will you go, then? Who would want a little monster like you around?”
He shrugged slowly, knowing better than to give them any hints as to where he planned to stay. “Maybe a bench in Knockturn Alley. I reckon it would be better than here.”
“Oh, you’ll see boy! You’ll see how we pampered you, and then you’ll come crawling back begging for our forgiveness. You think you know everything, but you don’t know the first thing about living alone! But you’ll see, you’ll see what we’ve done for our little blood traitor.”
Sirius tossed his hair, only fueling his mother’s screams as he breezed past her on his way to the stairs. She called to him as he made his way onto the second floor, the screeches finally fading as he rounded the corner and started on the next flight. His mind thoroughly made up by the time he reached the top step, he took off down the hall and flung open his door, tearing down posters and photos as he did a check of the room. He opened his school trunk, letting the lid slam to the ground.
By the time he had rounded up his textbooks and 8 track tapes, the house seemed ablaze with noise. Maybe this was why he didn’t notice his brother until he whirled around to snatch the rest of his clothes from his wardrobe. Regulus stood only a few feet in front of him, his expression unreadable. “Well?” Sirius snapped, perhaps a bit too loudly. “What do you want?”
“I swear to you, I didn’t tell them.”
Sirius let out a strangled laugh, tossing his clothes into the trunk. “I reckon you’re going to get everything you’ve ever wanted, Regi. Things will be much better for the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black without your brother fucking things up.”
“I didn’t say anything about you two,” he insisted, and, while Sirius knew he was telling the truth, he couldn’t quell the anger that had boiled up inside of him.
After shoving his trunk closed, he looked up at Regulus, scanning his face with a mix of confusion and contempt. Their eyes met, and Sirius’ insides gave a jolt. Was he…sorry? He shook his head, dismissing the very thought that his brother was capable of remorse. It was his own regrets about leaving the only family member who he had ever pitied that tricked him into seeing sadness that wasn’t there. Or was it?
Reaching under his nightstand, he gathered his old letters, lighting one on fire and tossing them onto the floor. Regulus stared, dumbfounded. “You’re really mean to leave, then?”
“Yeah, I do.”
“F-fine, then. Get out! H-how dare you try to burn down this house!”
“Keep practicing, you’re sounding more like mum every day.” Sirius scooped up his owl cage and lifted his trunk by its handle. Regulus stepped to the side, his eyes darting between his brother and the blazing parchment on the floor. When Sirius passed him, he reached for his shoulder, turning to him with every intention of saying goodbye. But the words in his mind were not those that left his mouth. “Don’t you ever speak to me again. Got it?”
Regulus responded with a curt nod.
As Sirius made his way down the stairs, he paused for only a second, listening to his brother stamping at the flames. Satisfied that the boy was still alive, he jumped down the stairs as quickly as possible with a trunk dragging behind him, a pleasant lightness replacing the dread that had clung to his shoulder. He was never coming back to this house. He would never see his parents again. In a few hours he would be laughing with James about the spectacular row with his mum and the look on his brother’s face when he had passed him by…
His mother waited, screeching incoherently in the entryway, but his father had her by the arm, his own mouth thin and silent. Sirius opened the door without a glance in their direction. It wasn’t until he was down the stairs and out on the sidewalk that he looked back. He saw her leering at him, her beaky nose pressed against the window. It was there for a moment, then vanished as Number 11 and Number 13 closed over the house like shutters. Finally, she was gone.
The air had cooled with the coming of dusk, rain now falling in steady curtains, splashing in puddles on the pavement. The water wiped the mad flush from his cheeks as it rolled down his face. As he lifted his hand to signal the Knight Bus, he wondered how the Potters were going to react when he turned up on their doorstep a few hours later, looking a bit too much like a drowned ragdoll. There would be questions, but everyone knew how much he hated his family. Only Remus would be able to read between his vague replies.
But, even if it meant lying through his teeth, Remus could never know.
Title: "Letters"
Pairing: Sirius/Remus, with a bit of Sirius and Regulus (non romantic)
Rating: R
Summary: Sirius' last summer with his family ends in a discovery. Written for the elemental prompt fire: Passion, youth, catharsis
Letters
The squeal of the electric guitar nearly drowned out a shrill laugh echoing from somewhere beneath the floorboard. Staring up at the ceiling, Sirius watched the pendant light vibrate as a pulsing bass filled his room. Crystals swung wildly back and forth, their slight tinkle only adding to the music streaming from his 8 track player. He hummed, trying to lose himself in the song, squeezing his eyes closed and almost forgetting that he had heard his cousin downstairs.
“Nobody wants him, he just stares at the world,” he sang under his breath, rumpling his curly black hair as he pressed his head into the pillow. “Planning his vengeance, that he will soon-”
His door swung open without a knock. He heard the hinges squeak but only acknowledged his brother’s presence by ceasing to sing. His eyes, which had once watched the pendant lamp with mild detachment, now grew fascinated with the prisms of light bouncing around the room. He grinned, nodding his head slightly to the rhythm of the guitar.
“Mother says to turn off that rotten Muggle music.” Regulus stood in the doorway, arms crossed. His stringy black hair covered his eyes, but Sirius didn’t need to look to know that his eyebrows were furiously knitting together. If there was anything his brother hated, it was rock music. Sirius smirked, reaching over and twisting a knob on his Stereo 8. The song got louder.
“Did you hear me, Sirius?” The younger boy’s hands were now clasped over his ears, his fingers shaking slightly. “Mum says to turn off that hideous Muggle music box before she comes up and tosses it out the window. Bellatrix and Narcissa are-”
“Cissy, too?” Groaning, Sirius sat up in bed, his head whipping around to stare at the other boy. He frowned for a moment, but a smirk soon crossed his unhappy face. “All the more reason to keep this turned up then, don’t you think? Wouldn’t want to hear that twat giggling all night.”
Regulus stared for a moment, open mouthed. Sirius reckoned a Snitch could have flown right down his throat by the way he was gaping. ‘At least he’d finally make a catch.’ Sirius let out a bark of a laugh, watching him. “What? Did big brother say a bad word?”
“Narcissa is our cousin! If this family means anything to you, you should show her some respect, and Bellatrix, too.”
“Oh? Then show me some bloody respect and leave. How does that sound?”
Flinging himself back on the bed, Sirius closed his eyes, letting his brother know that the conversation was over. Regulus let out an unintelligible grumble but his voice disappeared under a mounting guitar solo. The door slammed, the light overhead swinging precariously.
Sirius waited until he heard his brother stomp onto the second floor landing. Reaching over towards the Stereo 8 he had snuck into his room at the start of the holiday, he grasped the knob. He considered turning it down, but, not wanting to give his mother the satisfaction, he decided against it. Instead his hand withdrew from the plastic nub, moving to a square of parchment neatly creased and tucked beneath the corner of the lamp. He eased it out, unfolding it and letting it rest on his chest, propped open so that he could read.
Dearest Padfoot,
I hope things aren’t too terrible back at home. Dad is stressing about work, but other than that, things around here are normal. I haven’t heard anything about our O.W.L.S. yet. I wish they’d just send us the scores so I could stop thinking about it. I know my essay on switching spells was pretty awful. I guess I should’ve studied transfiguration a bit more, right? Hopefully McGonagall will still take me on for N.E.W.T.S. so I can stay with you and James…
Sirius rolled his eyes. Why on earth Remus still bothered with this kind of small talk, Sirius would never know. Small talk about grades, no less. But he knew what was coming. He had read the letter three times since receiving it last night, the parchment corners already rumpled with use. His eyes moved quickly down the page.
I think about you all the time. I wish we were back at Hogsmeade, sitting together at the Three Broomsticks or walking out by the hill at the edge of town. I loved it most when we stayed late so I could hold your hand after everyone else went back to school.
A satisfied smile spread across Sirius’ face. He could feel the embarrassment in every word; his friend’s trepidation showed in every halted stroke of his quill. His writing, usually loopy and smooth, looked somewhat smaller and messier than normal. He could see Remus bent over his writing desk, his cheeks flushed and his sandy hair hanging down over his eyes. Sirius licked his lips, his hand trembling as he slipped it under the covers.
Most of all I wish we were back in the dormitories. Every night while I try to fall asleep I remember watching you, curtains cracked open so I could hear your breath getting faster and watch you smiling at me from the bed next to mine…
Sirius’ fingers fumbled with his zipper, his hand finally making it into his jeans. The shy Remus in his mind transformed into a wanton, breathless Remus, suddenly courageous in the darkness of their dorm. It had been a game with them, to watch each other when they knew the others had drifted off to sleep. Sirius remembered Remus throwing back his head, his arm jerking faster beneath the sheets as his lips formed Sirius’ name. Sirius’ own hand wrapped around his swollen flesh, his hips bucking slightly into his palm.
Do you think James ever realized that we never saw his last match? Even if he did, it was worth it to feel your body pressed against mine, your fingers scratching my back as we kissed. I wish I could spend every night with you like that. I miss you so much…
Remus’ memory led Sirius back to the day of the final game against Ravenclaw. They had left the stands and crept into their room after everyone else had cleared out. Sirius had pressed Remus against their door, ravaging his mouth as his fingers explored his body. Remus’ cheeks, his skin dented by scars, already drenched in sweat. His chest: His heart hammering as Sirius’ hand slipped into his school robes, tracing over the lean muscles of his abdomen. His…
“What’s that letter?”
At the sound of his brother’s voice, Sirius snapped back to reality, snatching the parchment with his free hand as he struggled to close his pants with the other. He drew in a shaky breath, trying to hold back the blush that threatened to stain his cheeks. “What the fucking hell do you want now?” He had planned on sounding intimidating, but his voice came out strained and panting.
“I knocked.” Regulus eyed him, remaining, much to Sirius’ relief, lurking in the doorway. Though as Sirius forced up his zipper, relief seemed highly impossible. Scanning his brother’s face, he couldn’t be certain whether he knew what he had caught him at or not. “Maybe if you didn’t have your music up so loud you would’ve heard me.”
“Yeah, yeah, so what is it now? Playing mum’s lapdog again?”
“Supper is ready. Mother wants you to join us.”
“Wants?” Snorting, he pushed his hair down over his forehead, hoping to hide the sweat prickling above his brow. He drew in a deep breath, regaining some of his composure. “Wants to make sure I’m as miserable as possible tonight, then?”
“Or I could tell her you’re…busy.”
Their eyes met, and Sirius quickly looked away, the blush he had fought to conceal now burning his cheeks. “Get out. I’ll be down.”
Regulus nodded slightly, whirling around on his heels and heading towards the stairs. Watching him go, Sirius couldn’t help but notice that his pallid cheeks were a bit pinker than normal. Sliding out of bed, Sirius looked down, gritting his teeth and adjusting himself. With one last longing glance at the parchment, he flicked off the 8 track, leaving the room in silence as he disappeared into the hall.
He had barely made it onto the landing before his cousin’s shrill voice sent a shiver down his spine. “This is lovely Aunt Walburga, just lovely,” Narcissa giggled, her voice far from convincing. “How nice of you to serve us in the dining room. We really aren’t that important, are we?” From Narcissa’s drawl, it was clear she thought herself very important indeed. Sirius dragged his fingers through his tousled locks, tugging them a bit too hard as he forced his feet to shuffle down the stairs.
“Nonsense, Narcissa, nonsense,” his mother quipped. He could almost see her shaking her head emphatically, her loose bun swaying back and forth. “Come now, tell me more about young Malfoy. Druella is just thrilled with him. What a fine boy.”
Narcissa forced another giggle. Sirius stomped onto the bottom floor, his bare feet slapping as he burst into the dining room. As he entered, all heads turned in his direction.
“By Salazar, boy, what are you wearing?” His mother snapped, her beady eyes narrowing. He felt her gaze moving over his jeans, making him painfully conscious of their tightness. He straightened his shoulders, trying to keep his cool, and strutted towards an empty seat. The black candles hovering over the table lurched as he yanked out a chair.
Walburga turned to the girls, heaving an emphatic sigh. “I’m sorry, dears. I just don’t know what to do with him. I swear he does these things to upset me.”
Bellatrix laughed a bit too loudly, throwing back her head. Her feathered hairpiece nearly fell from its perch atop her thick nest of curls. “Auntie Walburga, no need to apologize. These things happen even in the purest of families. He may be as stunning as his father, but family resemblance isn’t everything. Look at our dear sister.” At the mention of their sibling, Narcissa made a face like she had caught wind of a house elf. Sirius struggled to hold back a snicker, remembering how his mother had once called Cissy ‘serene.’
Walburga finally averted her eyes from Sirius, offering Bellatrix a weak smile. “I suppose you are right, dearest. It is so hard for my husband, wondering how the family heir could have turned out so dreadful. We are trying our best to pass full inheritance rights to Regulus, but it is such a process.”
Sirius glanced at his brother out of the corner of his eye. The younger boy stared down at his wine glass, a smug smile on his lips. “I guess someone has to like you best, Regi.”
“Enough, Sirius!”
He rolled his eyes. His brother, who had seemed so pleased with himself moments before, now looked a bit crestfallen.
Bellatrix, who had managed to push the plumes back into her hair, gave no indication that she had heard them. “But as I was saying, Auntie, my Rodolphus is doing everything to pass this motion calling for the death of those giants up north. If it goes through, he’ll round them up and make them pay for what they’ve done. Won’t that be lovely?” She laughed shrilly.
Sirius lifted his glass to his lips, his eyes half lidded, lulled by the flicker of dipping candles and the smell of roasting duck wafting through the door. Soon they would be complaining about goblins again, as if Sirius didn’t hear enough about goblins back at school. His frustration nearly forgotten, he zoned out, imagining his arms wrapping around Remus as they lingered by the edge of the forest, the moon already high above Gryffindor tower…
“Giants are one thing, dear Bellatrix, and not the least of our concerns. But your uncle fears that soon they will be treating werewolves like our equals. Can you imagine? I heard this monster is pressuring the ministry for reforms to the employment laws. What on earth is this country coming to?”
Sirius’ eyes snapped open.
“Are you serious?” Narcissa exhaled sharply. “Well, I never…”
“Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting, it is. Treating them like they matter, like they have feelings…”
“One of the fifth years reckons there’s a werewolf at Hogwarts.” At the sound of his brother’s choked whisper, his insides gave a jolt. His hand tightened around the stem of his glass, fingers shaking and blood draining from his knuckles. He could feel his palm sweating against the crystal.
“Nonsense, Regulus. Dumbledore may be a fool, but even he would have the good sense…”
“He’s in Gryffindor. N-name’s Remus Lupin,” If Sirius could’ve used magic, his brother would have already been on the floor in flames. Sirius’ eyes burned with hatred, blue irises glinting in the candlelight. His brother was too much like his parents, to be sure, but even he didn’t usually go asking for trouble like this. The glass in Sirius’ hand shook so hard that a bit of wine sloshed on his shirt.
“Gryffindor, you say?” Bellatrix gave a strangled yelp, her eyes on Sirius. “No surprise there. Maybe he’ll bite this one, give you an excuse to get rid of him, Auntie.”
“I just don’t think, Regulus…”
“Severus swears up and down that he disappears every month at the full moon. None of the Slytherins want to sit next to him in class, it’s just terrible. He’s one of Sirius’ mates...”
“Severus, you say? Eileen’s boy?” Walburga’s hatred of werewolves seemed to have won out over her contempt for half-bloods. She turned on Sirius, shooting him a furious stare. “Werewolf or not, I can’t believe you’re dirtying our name with this…this filthy…”
The glass stem in Sirius’ hand shattered, a shower of wine splattering on the lace tablecloth. Trails of red trickled down his wrist, dripping from his elbow onto the floor. A shard of glass jammed into his palm. He didn’t notice. His lip shook with fury as he pushed back his chair, kicking it onto the rug. “You know nothing about Remus, you old hag.” He spat, storming out of the room without a second glance at his cousins.
“Goodness.” Walburga’s laugh came as a yelp, loathing and shame swelling in her voice. “R-Regulus, dear, c-could you get Kreacher? Y-yes…I am so terribly sorry, Narcissa…”
Sirius could hear his brother chasing him, his clumsy footfalls tailing him up two flights of stairs. He forced himself to breathe, his entire body alight with rage. He wanted nothing more than to whip around and give his younger brother a shove over the banister. His hands twitched as he imagined them lifting him up by his shirt collar, slamming him…
“You were asking for it,” Regulus hissed, now only a few steps behind him. “Strutting around like some kind of king, treating mother like rubbish…”
“She is rubbish. Doesn’t need me to point that out, does she?” Sirius reached the end of the third floor hallway, giving his doorknob a tug. His palm stung as the glass sank further into his flesh.
“J-just because she prefers me to you. Just because I got in Slytherin and you didn’t!”
Standing in the doorway, Sirius crossed his arms, snarling as if daring the younger boy to take another step. “I’d sooner drop out of school than be in Slytherin with you. So, getting on with Snivellus now? I mean, I know you’re not as popular as me, but I didn’t realize you had stooped to that level. Reckon you’ll stop bathing any time soon?”
“Shut up!” Regulus snapped, keeping his distance. “At least I didn’t tell mum Filch caught you and that werewolf snogging in the broom closet during winter holiday! You should be grateful I didn’t tell her that you’re nothing but an arrogant poof and everyone knows it.”
The color drained from Sirius’ cheeks. “What did you say?” He growled, barring his teeth as he advanced on his brother. Regulus backed away, knowing at once that he had said too much. “W-what did you…? How…?”
Looking somewhere between satisfied and terrified, Regulus leaned against the wall. “These things get around, Sirius…I-I hope it bites you. It’d serve you right for shagging that nasty scar-faced bloke.”
“Get the fuck out,” He took a step into the hall, pointing towards the staircase. “Get. Out.”
Regulus opened his mouth to say something, but as his eyes met Sirius’ he quickly regressed. Stumbling back towards the other end of the hall, he spun on his heels, lunging for the stairs. Sirius balled his hands into fists, listening as the other boy’s footfalls faded into the rooms below. He squeezed his eyes closed, the knot in his stomach throbbing. Trying his best to breathe, he wobbled backwards, not stopping until his thighs met the edge of his bed. He slumped across the mattress.
Staring at the ceiling for a moment, expecting to wake up and find that he had simply dozed off while listening to music, he tried to sort out his thoughts. He felt like he could be sick: rage, fear, and shock churning in the pit of his chest. ‘I should’ve puked on him, that would showed the little prat…’
After a long pause, he curled up onto his side, his clean hand fumbling on his nightstand for his quill. His hand shook as he clutched the parchment, scrawling a few sloppy words.
Moony, I need you. Meet me in the Leaky Cauldron at noon tomorrow if you can.
He paused, trying to steady his hand as he added a tiny heart to the bottom of the note. Folding it quickly, he rose from bed, staggering across the room to Argyros’ cage.
____________________
By the time Sirius appeared in the archway at the back of the Leaky Cauldron, Remus was already hovering by the door. Hands shoved deep in his pockets, he shifted his weight from one foot to the other, gazing longingly at the street beyond. Sirius cracked a smile, knowing too well that the other boy expected him to be late. In truth he had been hanging around Diagon Alley for hours waiting for him. It wasn’t easy leaving Grimmauld Place while his parents were awake.
Clutching a package under his arm, Sirius crossed the deserted pub, creeping up behind Remus and wrapping an arm around his waist. “Waiting for someone?” He pulled him back into an embrace.
Remus’ face, reflected at him in the glass, darkened to a deep shade of pink. “You’re early, Padfoot. I’m impressed.” He winked.
“Mmh, couldn’t wait to see you,” he nuzzled his neck with his nose, slipping the package into Remus’ bag. It was plain wrapped and tied with twine, its shape indistinguishable, though Sirius knew it contained a set of neatly folded school robes. Remus’ old uniform, which had been bought secondhand, had suffered several unfortunate accidents during their trysts last year, one of which had left a few seams beyond repair. “Don’t open it until you get home, and don’t you dare send it back.”
Remus opened his mouth to protest, but at that moment the door swung open. They separated, stumbling away from each other, both looking like they had spotted Mrs. Norris. The old warlock in the doorway didn’t seem to understand what he had just walked in on, squinting at them over his filthy glasses. “Looking a bit peaky there, chaps. Could stand for a few drinks, eh?”
Sirius coughed, “Uh, yeah, good idea. One second, Remus.” He headed for the bar. Waiting for a moment, he glanced around the corner and trying to figure out what had become of the landlord. The only other man in the room was the fat old warlock they had met in the entryway. Sirius looked at him again, reaching over the counter and grabbing a bottle of firewhiskey and two butterbeers. He left a stack of Sickles by the cash register. “Hey, you. When Tom gets back, tell him I left the money for these right here, got it?”
The warlock offered a curt nod, unperturbed by the sixteen year old dashing for the door with a bottle of Ogden’s clutched to his chest. When Remus saw him, his mouth fell open. “I hope you didn’t…”
“I paid for it, love, I swear.” He offered him a silly smile, nodding towards the street. “Come on, up for a walk?”
“Out there?” Remus raised an eyebrow.
“I fancy it would be more private than Diagon Alley. By the way, Moony, dear, you wouldn’t mind keeping these in your bag, would you?” He passed him the drinks, not waiting for a response.
Remus sighed, the corners of his mouth twitching. “I suppose not. Getting caught with firewhiskey shoved in my school bag sounds like loads of fun, Padfoot.”
“Knew you’d agree.” With a roguish wink, Sirius pulled open the door, waiting for Remus to step outside. Falling into step beside him, he reached for his hand as soon as they disappeared into the swarm of Muggles. When their fingers crossed, Remus gave him a gentle squeeze. The couple walked in silence, winding their way through the mob as they traveled down Charing Cross Road. Remus watched his lover’s face, worried that he might not know where they were heading, but after a turn onto Sutton Row a cluster of trees appeared before them.
“Here we go,” he nodded towards the square. “Soho. The last place in the city mum would come hunting for me. But only because she doesn’t know where it is, mind you.”
Remus chuckled, glancing to his side as they passed what he guessed to be a Muggle gay bar. As reckless as Sirius might be, he was smart. Judging by the flashy crowds and performing artists on the streets, he highly doubted anyone would take note of two young wizards out for a date. All reservations aside, he followed him to a clear spot of grass beneath the branches of a tree.
As soon as Remus had discarded his bag, Sirius tugged him down into a kiss. Their mouths pressed together, lips parting as Remus buried his hand in the other boy’s curly hair. Flicking his tongue into his mouth, Sirius let out a tiny gasp as Remus caught the tip between his teeth and gave it a careful tug. His own hand pressed against his friend’s chest, his thumb tracing his collarbone through the thin cotton fabric. “You look good in Muggle clothes,” he mumbled against his lips, his voice husky.
Remus’ cheeks flushed. “Um, thanks, I think.”
“You think?” Breaking the kiss reluctantly, Sirius settled down by his side, slipping his arm around his slender waist. “Sometimes you don’t realize how good you look, Remus. You need a bit of self-confidence.”
A chuckle escaped Remus’ lips. “I could borrow a bit from you or James, seeing as you have plenty to spare.”
“Good idea,” Sirius responded in mock seriousness. “I’d recommend James. Whenever I see him playing Quidditch I expect him to float away like a hot air balloon. We wouldn’t want that, would we?”
Remus laughed wholeheartedly, resting his head on Sirius’ shoulder. “Oh? And what about you, then?”
“You misunderstand me, Moony. My confidence is well founded. Stunning good looks, more money at my disposal than most of our professors, top marks, and…” He turned his neck, kissing the top of Remus’ head. “Not to mention, of course, having the best looking lover at Hogwarts.”
“If you’re into vagrants and monsters, maybe.”
Sirius nudged his side playfully, the hand at his waist sliding down to rest on his hip. “Well, turns out I am. Lucky for you, right?”
Remus rolled his eyes, lifting his head to kiss Sirius’ neck. “If I thought you were serious, I’d be very turned off right now.”
“Well, I’m serious about the last bit. The bit about you, I mean.”
Chuckling softly, Remus reached into his bag, producing three bottles. He passed one of the butterbeers to Sirius. “Thanks for the drinks, by the way. I’ll get them next time.”
“No way. I know your parents have been spending a ton on potions. At least my old hag can do something nice for us sometimes. Or, at least, her money vault can.” He watched Remus’ expression, frowning as a look of discomfort flickered in his eyes. Sirius leaned forward, tracing his earlobe with his tongue. “Besides,” he whispered, letting his breath tickle the other boy’s neck. “I can think of a few things you can do to repay me when we get some alone time.”
Sirius grinned, feeling his lover shiver beneath his touch. “I was thinking about that yesterday, how much I’d like to feel your lips around me, sucking me-”
“Sirius, we’re in public!” He hissed under his breath, but a slight moan betrayed his own enjoyment of the conversation. Sirius offered him a knowing smile. “I-I mean,” Remus began again. “For someone who’s always looking behind us every few seconds at school, you certainly don’t seem to care what you do out here.”
“Muggles, Remus,” he gestured wildly to the passing crowds. “Queer Muggles, at that. It’s not like I care about people finding out, just, you know…”
“James,” Remus’ expression changed, now looking a bit sullen. “Yeah, I know, Padfoot. I know.”
Sirius noticed the hurt in the other boy’s voice, but didn’t know what to do. After an awkward moment of unformed words, Sirius leaned over him, grabbing the bottle of Ogden’s and snapping off the cap. He held it up to Remus’ lips. “Want a swig?”
Remus hesitated, his eyes scanning Sirius’ face. Seeing the apology in his friend’s eyes, he took the bottle, his own frown dissipating. No matter what Sirius did, he couldn’t stay mad at him. “Well, I guess a bit would do me some good.”
“That’s the spirit. Even perfect little prefects should have a bit of fun.”
Shaking his head, Remus took a long sip from the bottle. The whiskey burned all the way down, leaving him a bit flushed. He felt Sirius’ thumb caressing his hip, barely dipping beneath the top of his pants. “Perfect little prefects,” he watched him, a soft smile on his lips, “don’t get caught snogging with their mate on Christmas Eve.”
Sirius coughed, sputtering, nearly missing the bottle that Remus tried to pass to him. “Er, about that…” He matched Remus’ surprise with a sheepish smile, unable to meet his friend’s gaze. “Snivellus is in with Filch. He’s been spreading that story around Slytherin a bit. He told my brother before leaving for summer holiday.”
Remus averted his eyes, his hand moving down to rest on Sirius’. His tone suddenly changed. “He probably blames you for the bit with his trousers, after O.W.L.S.” He watched Sirius’ face, stopping his friend before he had the chance to argue. “I know it was James, but you were laughing. Don’t deny it.”
“Who wasn’t laughing? Snivellus is rotten.”
Not bothering to correct him, Remus merely shrugged. “I hope Regulus doesn’t get you in trouble with your mum. From my end, I don’t care if everyone finds out, but my parents are different. They’d be thrilled that someone wants to be with me, I think.”
Sirius opened his mouth, but, seeing the serene look on his lover’s face, decided he hadn’t the heart to tell him what other secret Snape had passed along to Regulus. The worst that could happen if someone exposed their relationship was a bit of teasing from James, maybe an ugly row with his mum. But if the school found out about Remus, Dumbledore would have no choice but to expel him. The outcry would be unbearable. Biting his lip slightly at the thought, Sirius leaned back against the tree, inviting Remus to join him. “Well, you know what, fuck them. Fuck them all, and Snivellus especially. Half the blokes in our year get on with birds all the time, no one has the right to give us shit.”
Remus smiled in spite of himself, guessing these words might be fueled by false confidence, but deciding he didn’t much care. He leaned back with Sirius, his head resting gently against his chest. “In any case, Severus probably just wants in with your brother and his friends. I doubt many people will take him seriously. Most of the girls like you, you know.”
“Well, I mean, who could blame them, eh, Moony?” Offering him a goofy grin, Sirius pushed his hair back in a gesture that, unfortunately, reminded him of James. Remus might have scolded him for it if the other boy hadn’t chosen that moment to roll on top of him and pin him to the ground. With a devilish look, Sirius pressed their lips together, stopping his protests before they could leave his mouth.
____________________
The pair parted at the bottom of the Underground steps, Remus swearing he would come into London again as soon as the full moon had passed. With one last awkward embrace, he turned away, disappearing through the turnstile. Sirius lingered a moment, trying to get another glimpse of his sandy hair through the crowds, satisfied only when he heard the faint roar of a train pulling in below his feet. There was another soft rumble, and he was gone.
Climbing the concrete stairs, Sirius frowned. Though the sun blazed above him, he felt a slight prickle of rain on his exposed arms. He lifted his hand to shade his eyes, his suspicion confirmed as droplets splashed off the backs of his fingers. Around him, Muggles dug in their bags for umbrellas, but the rain seemed to disappear as soon as it hit his skin, evaporating in the summer heat. He heaved a sigh, trudging back to Diagon Alley.
Nearly a quarter of an hour passed before he found himself in front of the Leaky Cauldron. Giving the door a jerk, he caught a glimpse of his reflection in the glass. The rain had done a number on his hair, his thick curls now frizzy and disheveled. He dragged his fingers through them, yanking vainly at a knot. Once satisfied with his appearance, he turned to the fireplace. He lingered a bit too long, pretending to dig for floo powder even though he knew very well that it was in his back pocket. Glancing around the friendly pub, he parted his lips, forcing the words from his mouth. “Number 12 Grimmauld Place.”
His stomach lurched, and soon he stood at the hearth in his kitchen. Kreacher, who wore a sneer of contempt, looked up from the sink. “Young master has returned, yes, yes he has. The Mistress will be pleased, or will she be? We will see.”
Sirius rolled his eyes, pretending he hadn’t heard the elf as he made for the stairs. The portraits lining the entryway darted from frame to frame, whispering frantically amongst themselves. It took a day in the warm sun to remind Sirius how bloody rotten this place really was. He slunk to the stairs, the bottom step letting out a creak as his foot weighed down on it.
“Sirius?” The cool voice of his father drifted in from the dining room.
Pausing only a moment, Sirius wondered if he still had time to pretend he hadn’t heard. But before he could make for the next step, another voice called to him. “You heard your father, you filthy brat. He wants to talk to you. Show some respect!”
Sirius hid his face in his palms to stifle a groan. He withdrew his foot, turning back towards the door. His mother sounded particularly venomous today, which could mean nothing good for him. Removing his hands, he drew in a deep breath, puffing up his chest and stepping into the dining room. “Yeah? What do you want, dad?”
Orion didn’t look up as his son entered, his expression cold but vague. Walburga, however, studied him with every ounce of loathing she had ever shown in her eyes, which, by Sirius’ reckoning, was enough to kill kittens with a mere glance. He tensed in spite of himself, hovering in the doorway. “You, uh, you wanted me?”
“Sit.”
“Yeah, sure,” he mumbled, his confidence deflating by the second. He reached for the nearest chair, slumping down into it, wracking his brain for anything that might have made his parents this upset. They hated when he snuck out, of course, but never like this. His eyes studied the purple splotches on the tablecloth before him. “So I snuck out for a bit of fun. I’m sixteen, you know. No need for mum to get her knickers in a knot…”
Walburga snarled, but Orion cut her off. “Your mother caught your owl flying in after you left this morning.”
Sirius blinked. ‘Argyros? What the…?’ A strange thought crossed his mind. What if O.W.L.S. had arrived and he had somehow tanked them? But he quickly dismissed these worries. He had aced those tests, he was sure of it. If not O.W.L.S., though, then what…?
His father removed a square of parchment from his pocket, pushing it across the table. Sirius followed it with his eyes, noticing his name scrawled on the front in a familiar, loopy hand. His stomach sank. Glancing up at his parents, he snatched the letter, tearing it open.
Dearest Sirius,
I’d love to! The moon isn’t full for another week, and mum and dad are off visiting mum’s cousin in Wales. I’ll be waiting for you at noon. I can hardly wait.
With all my love,
Remus
Ps. Your note sounded a bit frantic. I hope everything is all right. You can tell me if your mother is being miserable, you know. Anyways, we’ll talk tomorrow. I’ll be dreaming of you until then.
Admittedly, the letter wasn’t nearly as bad as it could have been, though this was no small relief for Sirius. He let out a cough, tucking his shaking hands under the table and mustering a brave face. “So…? I met my mate downtown. W-what’s the bloody deal with you two?”
“Remus,” his mother spat, her bony hands curling into fists on the table. “Remus Lupin, was it? ‘The moon isn’t full for another week.’ Your brother was telling us the truth, and you knew it! Are you out of your bloody mind?! You…you...!”
Sirius met his mother’s anger with frantic protests, leaping to his feet. “Remus likes astronomy, all right? Just because you’re a racist old hag doesn’t mean you have to jump to conclusions about my mates all the time. If he were in Slytherin, you wouldn’t give a fuck!”
“W-what…what did you just call me? You need to learn some manners, boy!”
“Sit down, Sirius.” His father finally met his eyes, nodding tersely towards the empty seat. His lip curled, betraying the anger beneath his composed façade. “Sit.”
Shoving his hands into his pockets, Sirius circled around the chair, flinging his body into it. He remained silent, not trusting his own voice.
After a pause, his father began again. “I have not shared my thoughts with your mother, but judging by your reaction to this boy’s name, I’m afraid I have to address them. When I was in school, Sirius, my mates never signed letters ‘with all my love,’ nor would they have admitted to dreaming about me. There is something between you and this Remus. It disgusts me to say this, but I fear this boy is your lover.”
Walburga screeched, her eyes darting between the two men. “W-what?! WHAT?” She threw back her chair, charging at Sirius. “You’ve been…with this…” She sputtered, her fury beyond words. Sirius clenched his hands together, fighting the urge to recoil as he felt his mum’s hot breath on his cheek. She leaned over him, staring intently into his eyes.
He answered without hesitation. “Yeah, he is,” he gritted his teeth in defiance. “And what’s it to you? Fuck the lot of you. He’s better than anyone in this rotten family.”
His father was now on his feet. With a flick of Orion’s hand, the knives placed around the table rose up, suspended for a moment in time. Sirius glanced between them, struggling to rise with his mother still pressed against the back of his chair. ‘He’s going to kill me,’ Sirius thought, another wave of dread washing over him as he realized with a start that he didn’t have his wand.
But as Sirius raised his hand, prepared to break the sanction on underage wizardry with a summoning charm, the knives slammed down into the table in front of him. His father watched, his face red with rage. “How can you call yourself a Black? How can you dishonor everything we’ve given to you, everything this family stands for?”
Realizing he was not about to die had rekindled his confidence. Now he could tell them everything: all the secrets he had kept for years, all his hatred for their family. It was catharsis by fire, and Sirius could not refuse it. “What this family stands for?” He growled. “You mean the dark arts, then? Or mum’s fantasies about being better than everyone else when you’re really a bunch of overbred trolls? I’m ashamed to call myself a Black! I’d rather be a werewolf than heir to this lot!”
His mother yanked the chair from behind him, grabbing him by the shoulders and whirling him around. Her eyes bulged, “How dare you forsake the blood that gave you life, the blessing we have passed on to you! While your brother worked hard to honor us knowing he would never be heir, you took up with some…some…”
“This isn’t about Remus!” He gave his mother a shove, beyond caring about consequences. “All my life I’ve hated this family. I never brought my mates around because I didn’t want them to know what my parents are. Your talk about pureblood is a joke when you’re such a miserable excuse for a human yourself.”
“Says the prat who’s buggering a werewolf.”
Tearing away from his mother, Sirius rounded back on his father, his body now quivering with rage. “Yeah, says me.”
“I will do anything to have you disinherited, even if I have to kill you myself, boy.”
“No need. I’m leaving.” The words left his mouth before he had time to think, but, once said, he knew he couldn’t take them back. He wracked his brain for a plan. He had dreamed of leaving for years. Life would be better. He’d go to live with Remus…no, not Remus. His parents couldn’t afford another person in their house. James. He’d go to the Potters. He’d write to his uncle for money. Everything would be fine, he would be free…
Silence descended between them as Sirius envisioned his escape. When his mother finally spoke, there was a hint of panic in her voice that he found quite unexpected. “A-are you, boy? Where will you go, then? Who would want a little monster like you around?”
He shrugged slowly, knowing better than to give them any hints as to where he planned to stay. “Maybe a bench in Knockturn Alley. I reckon it would be better than here.”
“Oh, you’ll see boy! You’ll see how we pampered you, and then you’ll come crawling back begging for our forgiveness. You think you know everything, but you don’t know the first thing about living alone! But you’ll see, you’ll see what we’ve done for our little blood traitor.”
Sirius tossed his hair, only fueling his mother’s screams as he breezed past her on his way to the stairs. She called to him as he made his way onto the second floor, the screeches finally fading as he rounded the corner and started on the next flight. His mind thoroughly made up by the time he reached the top step, he took off down the hall and flung open his door, tearing down posters and photos as he did a check of the room. He opened his school trunk, letting the lid slam to the ground.
By the time he had rounded up his textbooks and 8 track tapes, the house seemed ablaze with noise. Maybe this was why he didn’t notice his brother until he whirled around to snatch the rest of his clothes from his wardrobe. Regulus stood only a few feet in front of him, his expression unreadable. “Well?” Sirius snapped, perhaps a bit too loudly. “What do you want?”
“I swear to you, I didn’t tell them.”
Sirius let out a strangled laugh, tossing his clothes into the trunk. “I reckon you’re going to get everything you’ve ever wanted, Regi. Things will be much better for the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black without your brother fucking things up.”
“I didn’t say anything about you two,” he insisted, and, while Sirius knew he was telling the truth, he couldn’t quell the anger that had boiled up inside of him.
After shoving his trunk closed, he looked up at Regulus, scanning his face with a mix of confusion and contempt. Their eyes met, and Sirius’ insides gave a jolt. Was he…sorry? He shook his head, dismissing the very thought that his brother was capable of remorse. It was his own regrets about leaving the only family member who he had ever pitied that tricked him into seeing sadness that wasn’t there. Or was it?
Reaching under his nightstand, he gathered his old letters, lighting one on fire and tossing them onto the floor. Regulus stared, dumbfounded. “You’re really mean to leave, then?”
“Yeah, I do.”
“F-fine, then. Get out! H-how dare you try to burn down this house!”
“Keep practicing, you’re sounding more like mum every day.” Sirius scooped up his owl cage and lifted his trunk by its handle. Regulus stepped to the side, his eyes darting between his brother and the blazing parchment on the floor. When Sirius passed him, he reached for his shoulder, turning to him with every intention of saying goodbye. But the words in his mind were not those that left his mouth. “Don’t you ever speak to me again. Got it?”
Regulus responded with a curt nod.
As Sirius made his way down the stairs, he paused for only a second, listening to his brother stamping at the flames. Satisfied that the boy was still alive, he jumped down the stairs as quickly as possible with a trunk dragging behind him, a pleasant lightness replacing the dread that had clung to his shoulder. He was never coming back to this house. He would never see his parents again. In a few hours he would be laughing with James about the spectacular row with his mum and the look on his brother’s face when he had passed him by…
His mother waited, screeching incoherently in the entryway, but his father had her by the arm, his own mouth thin and silent. Sirius opened the door without a glance in their direction. It wasn’t until he was down the stairs and out on the sidewalk that he looked back. He saw her leering at him, her beaky nose pressed against the window. It was there for a moment, then vanished as Number 11 and Number 13 closed over the house like shutters. Finally, she was gone.
The air had cooled with the coming of dusk, rain now falling in steady curtains, splashing in puddles on the pavement. The water wiped the mad flush from his cheeks as it rolled down his face. As he lifted his hand to signal the Knight Bus, he wondered how the Potters were going to react when he turned up on their doorstep a few hours later, looking a bit too much like a drowned ragdoll. There would be questions, but everyone knew how much he hated his family. Only Remus would be able to read between his vague replies.
But, even if it meant lying through his teeth, Remus could never know.