136; to make up for earlier mistakes~

[paralinguistic]

This was on my flist, and I've never done this one before ever. As I also cocked up earlier with the anonymous meme, I thought I'd do this one instead, since this one's far nicer and doesn't revolve around me.

Leave me an anonymous comment pouring your heart out. Say anything. Tell me your stories, your secrets, those things no one ever asks but

Comments

[anonymous]

I'm horrible when it comes to getting close to people. I wish I weren't; I wish I didn't sabotage my relationships the moment it feels like someone's getting too close. I'm not quite sure why I do it, beyond my worry that any perceived closeness and comradery is one-sided, and an increase in distance is necessary so I don't make a fool of myself and wind up hurt. This goes against instinct for me. For me, instinct is to trust and confide, to share, to listen, to let people in. I used to do this; I used to devote myself to my friendships and pour an insane amount of effort into helping them flourish, and then maintaining them. But I found myself getting used and taken advantage of.

Now, I'm afraid. I pull away and increase that distance. The relationships suffer, and I'm certainly not happy pulling away, but it's either that or become too close to people and be let down by them, hurt by them, because I care too fucking much and my skin is too thin. I want to trust these people I refer to as my friends, but it's absurdly difficult, and I wonder what the hell is wrong with me, because I haven't always been this way.

Well, that's what I think about myself. Now, what do I think about you? I like you. I find you intriguing and wonderful to talk to. I want to know you better, because you're like a labyrinth - so many twists and turns and hidden corners. But... I'm just not sure how much I trust you yet.

[anonymous]

I cried when I read this, because I realised I could have written the exact same thing.

[anonymous]

♥

And that's the tragedy of anonymity, I guess. Finding someone who feels the same way, and knowing you'll never know them.

[anonymous]

Me, too. I'm not sure how to get close to people. It happens by accident sometimes, though, and it's the best thing ever except that I'm so certain that it won't last.

[anonymous]

Yup. Same here. And I'm certain it won't last because I just know there's going to be something I say or do, or some personality trait of mine that will screw everything to hell, and that if the closeness doesn't last, it will inevitably be my fault.

[paralinguistic]

You know? I can definitely empathize with what you've said. For me, many times in the past, the effort I've put in has been inversely proportional to what I get out. But I think if you don't keep trying, then we'll never get anywhere in life, right? I had maybe five, six years where nobody seemed to give a damn about me, but I tried and tried until now, where I seem to know so many wonderful people. It happens, it really does. I didn't want to rub that in your face, I just wanted to let you know that sometimes? Things change. They really do. And they get better.

I've never thought of myself as a labyrinth before. But then, to me, I am straightforward. But I guess I can see why others might think it. I'm sorry that I've not been worthy of trust. I'll, uh. I'll work at it? ♥ Good luck with everything.

[anonymous]

No, I don't think you're rubbing in at all. I've had the wonderful relationships, and then, for whatever reason, I became afraid, and then I backed away. And I regret it, I always do, because I see the relationships I used to have, and I miss those people horribly. The worst part is, that I did it to myself. However, I've also been in the same position as you, where the effort I used to put into friendships has been inversely proportional to what I got out. It's so exhausting, isn't it? Disheartening too.

I don't mean to say you're not worthy of trust. More that... trust in general frightens me. I want to trust people, but just find it difficult to open myself up to people, because when you lay yourself emotionally bare to someone, anyone, it's terrifying and thrilling at the same time, because you've finally taken that plunge and trusted them - really trusted them. But there's always that nagging worry that don't really care about that leap you've taken, and don't care about the trust you've put into them. And that's when things go badly. So it's not that I believe you're untrustworthy, it's that I'm terrified of taking that leap and finding out the hard way you might not care about the trust I want to put in you.

[paralinguistic]

I care. ♥ Absolutely.