Seems to fit
I built my life like my bike on a rigid frame
So nothing bends it only breaks into pieces and pieces
I waited for hope to arrive but it never came
Leaving me with only pain inside
I'm going off the deep end
Holding on is harder than it seems
When you're reaching for so much more
Seems so much easier to just give in
When you're reaching for so much more
Another wasted Saturday so here I stay
Where nothing seems to ever change anyway hey
All this hype about life bein' great
Where's the love for me these days
I'm goin off the deep end
Something about this song just seems to strike a chord in me these days. Not sure exactly why. I've had some good things happen of late, and some bad.
Most recent is my transfer to help desk at work so that i can finally begin my career, sort of. I'm over there learning the proprietary stuff and beginning to do the work. I have the reduced schedule of 35 hours a week, but not the pay yet. So at the moment I've lost about $90 a pay check to my raise. I'm less than thrilled about this. I'm hoping the raise kicks in soon, but with the same ass in charge that runs the customer service side of the room, I have large doubts it will happen inside a month. It took nearly 5 months to the day to move me across a room. I have little faith in the man anymore.
I also found out I'm going to be an uncle again. My older sis is about 10 weeks pregnant. So I'm going to have to head to San Antonio some time around the middle of February to see this child born. Kind of looking forward to it, though I think for the wrong reason. It's fun watching my parents act like grandparents. They spoil the kids and are generally nice to everyone. It's one of the few times my dad and I get along and don't grate on each others nerves. Same with my little sister. And I hate using my niece, and the new child (not sure if it's a boy or girl yet) as a crutch like that.
For neutral things, there are my computer games. I am rapidly getting bored with FFXI and UO as all of my friends quit playing, but I don’t want to quit because of all the hours I have put into the games over the years I’ve played them. I need to find a new way to make them interesting to me again.
On the not so good side of thing, I have taken a look at myself and judged that I am wanting. I'm 26 now, and find I have accomplished absolutely nothing with my life so far. The only thing that can be said of me is that I have a degree from college. But as that is next than useless these days, I don't consider it much.
My social life is next to nothing. A regular D&D game and some occasional movies with a friend or 2. I'm becoming more reclusive than I'd prefer and I'm not sure how to fix it. My work schedule doesn't help, as I have to be up early every day but Tuesday and Wednesday. I need to find a way to expand my social life but am not sure how. Normally people would go to bars, but as I don’t drink, and hesitate to start doing so again, I’m not sure this is a good idea for me. I have no clue where else to begin. And this also ties into my love life, or lack thereof.
I thought I had found someone I could have a lasting relationship with. I knew her from college, though she had moved to Colorado after finishing school. She got back in touch with me because she was planning to move back to Dallas and was seeing if any old friends were still around. It’s kind of sad how eagerly I jumped on this opportunity. It bit me in the ass. She made the 11 hour trip to be down for 3 days to spend time with me and look around and check out the area again. We got along great. When she went back for a month to start getting everything ready to move I made a trip up to Colorado to spend some time with her and see the Rockies. I had fun and thought we clicked. Once I got back we stayed in touch. I figured everything was going well and she’d be in Dallas by about this time. When she told me she had changed her mind and was moving to Pennsylvania, to be closer to her family in New Jersey, I wasn’t sure how to feel. It felt like a metaphorical kick in the gut. I’m still a bit bitter about it. I feel like I got used as a diversion and then discarded. I’m trying to be the bigger person and stay a friend, but it’s hard.
It would help if I had other options available, but when I take stock, I see I have jack. Out of my circle of friends there are none left that I would date. All of you are off limits because you’re either guys, previously dated, currently attached to someone, freaking crazy, or just plain not my type. A look at the women I know at work doesn’t provide me with much in the way of options either. Again, I could go to bars, speed dating, etc. But I can’t make myself feel like it has a shot or would be fun. I seem to be stuck between apathy and pessimism.
But I guess other than my work life and my non-work life I’m great. ?*insert sigh here* This sucks. It’s like the song above. I think I built my life and my mind with too rigid a frame on what I need/want to be happy. And now that I try to bend it so I can still be somewhat happy, it feels like it will break before I get it right. I need to make some serious changes. Not sure where to start.