Sanctification
Pairing: Davey/Hando [Romper Stomper]
Date Written: March 25-29, 2008
Davey is sitting cross-legged against the wall and you're flat on your back looking up at him and you're talking about purity and protection and he's nodding every once in awhile. You can't tell if he's nodding in agreement or nodding to show he's listening or nodding so it looks like he's listening, so you start counting the seconds between nods. Soon you realise that they're following the timbre of your voice and you smile. He just stares at you like always, but you can see his eyes sparkle just a bit and you know he's feeling something in response to you, but you're not sure what. You're definitely feeling this fluttering sensation in your gut and it thrills and scares you in equal turns. So you grab his hand and yank him out the door, into the world, where you scream and kick and punch to your heart's content, so you can shove down whatever other desires are festering inside of you.
**
Often you forget that Davey knows much more than he ever says. This might be because Davey never says much of anything. He's always there, always there with you, even when he's not. You can feel his body heat when he stands next to you at the pub and it lingers there long after he's headed off to his own bed. Long ago you gave up trying to stop yourself from basking in that warmth even though you feel so bloody weak doing it. Worse yet, you feel weak when you don't see him for a day or two. No matter how much you want to deny it, you're lost without him. So at night, alone in bed, you rest your hands over your heart and think of him despite yourself.
**
When you start dreaming of Davey, you know you've lost it. These aren't regular dreams about fights and glimmers of memories; these are dreams born out of lust and love. These are dreams where you kiss him until neither of you can breathe. Where he's fucking you and you're loving every second of it. The kind that make you wake up hard and aching so badly that you have to jack off right then and there for fear you'll die otherwise. Never mind that he's down the hall and can probably hear you moaning his name as you come all over your fist.
**
More than once, you have to stop yourself from grabbing him. Grabbing him and yanking him against you until there's nothing but the thinnest sliver of air between you. His breath hot on your cheek, his warmth enveloping you until it's too much to stand and you have to kiss him, you have to strip him bare. You have to let him take you and make you his. Even though you already are; he just doesn't know it.
**
It isn't supposed to be like this. Mainly because there isn't supposed to be a "this" in the first place. This goes against everything you believe in. This makes you want to beat the piss out of yourself in the hopes that you'll see reason. This fuels your self-hatred until you can't contain it anymore and you have to spread it out into the world. And that, perhaps, is the only good thing about this.
Date Written: March 25-29, 2008
Davey is sitting cross-legged against the wall and you're flat on your back looking up at him and you're talking about purity and protection and he's nodding every once in awhile. You can't tell if he's nodding in agreement or nodding to show he's listening or nodding so it looks like he's listening, so you start counting the seconds between nods. Soon you realise that they're following the timbre of your voice and you smile. He just stares at you like always, but you can see his eyes sparkle just a bit and you know he's feeling something in response to you, but you're not sure what. You're definitely feeling this fluttering sensation in your gut and it thrills and scares you in equal turns. So you grab his hand and yank him out the door, into the world, where you scream and kick and punch to your heart's content, so you can shove down whatever other desires are festering inside of you.
**
Often you forget that Davey knows much more than he ever says. This might be because Davey never says much of anything. He's always there, always there with you, even when he's not. You can feel his body heat when he stands next to you at the pub and it lingers there long after he's headed off to his own bed. Long ago you gave up trying to stop yourself from basking in that warmth even though you feel so bloody weak doing it. Worse yet, you feel weak when you don't see him for a day or two. No matter how much you want to deny it, you're lost without him. So at night, alone in bed, you rest your hands over your heart and think of him despite yourself.
**
When you start dreaming of Davey, you know you've lost it. These aren't regular dreams about fights and glimmers of memories; these are dreams born out of lust and love. These are dreams where you kiss him until neither of you can breathe. Where he's fucking you and you're loving every second of it. The kind that make you wake up hard and aching so badly that you have to jack off right then and there for fear you'll die otherwise. Never mind that he's down the hall and can probably hear you moaning his name as you come all over your fist.
**
More than once, you have to stop yourself from grabbing him. Grabbing him and yanking him against you until there's nothing but the thinnest sliver of air between you. His breath hot on your cheek, his warmth enveloping you until it's too much to stand and you have to kiss him, you have to strip him bare. You have to let him take you and make you his. Even though you already are; he just doesn't know it.
**
It isn't supposed to be like this. Mainly because there isn't supposed to be a "this" in the first place. This goes against everything you believe in. This makes you want to beat the piss out of yourself in the hopes that you'll see reason. This fuels your self-hatred until you can't contain it anymore and you have to spread it out into the world. And that, perhaps, is the only good thing about this.