Running into walls
I'm starting to go a bit loopy, I think. I'm getting paranoid. I have this idea that my body is broken and can't absorb protein or vitamins from what I eat, and the only thing it's absorbing is sugar and saturated fat. I know that's ridiculous, but I can't help it. I've stopped being able to drink juice again. I was having a few mouthfuls of something sweet when my intake for the day was too low, but I'm not sure how much longer that'll carry on for. Eating a spoonful of lemon curd because I'd only managed 1300 calories for the day just makes me feel incredibly guilty. I'm trying for 1500-1600 calories a day, less on non-exercise days.
I don't even know how far behind I am with college work. I should probably get on and do some, but burying my head in the sand seems easier. I'm not used to having to work for things - at school I could pass exams without bothering to revise, but I need my work to be signed off as well as passing my exam before I'm qualified. When I do have a day off, I spend ages messing about on public transport because my exercise routine is more important. Gym on Sunday finishes at 11.30 - I'm lucky to get home by 1pm. Running for 30 minutes tonight means being out from 3:10 to 9pm, because I usually run in Brighton after work and I can't not do something once I've decided I'm doing it.
My psychotherapist isn't working for a while for "personal reasons," so I'm in the market for a new one. Again. It's completely thrown me in a way I'd never have expected - I see myself as being so strong and resilient and unaffected by things like that, and it's always a shock when I'm reminded of what I see as my weakness. That just creates more guilt and anger. I don't really know what I'm doing at the moment, to be honest. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow once I'm back at work and distracted.