All of the humiliation, man...creatingalegacySeptember 27 2011, 00:36:26 UTC
You have it easier than some. I can't masturbate anymore. I don't have a healthy sex drive now and the capacity for sexual interaction was burned out of me, but I don't allow myself to masturbate either because I want to be above that and fervently believe I need to devote all of my energy towards a greater purpose. That's why when I kill or test people, I tend to get right up close and give off unintentionally seductive body language. I almost never even realize it's happening because I don't get off on it; it's just the closest high-intensity activity I have to sex.
This disturbs me, though, more than the things I'm saying. All of this shit. I was immobilized in the infirmary when Coyolxauhqui was killing people, so it's not that. It's because I could hear my warden talking about her willingness to sleep with you before I replied and I don't like to think of her as having sexual desires. That's just one more way she could find someone to replace me and I'm terrified that will happen, even though she insists it won't. We don't have sex, so don't think that. I don't want to have sex with her or anyone else, ever. I just don't like her interacting with anyone but me because I'm an angry, paranoid, jealous person.
Yeah, I heard you say that you were repulsed, but I have a hard time not feeling jealous and threatened when I think of someone important to me getting close to other people. That's why I acted abusively towards Lynn Denlon even though she was working to save John's life.
It's less of an actual, true energy I'm thinking of, but something more nebulous and symbolic that really only makes sense in my head.
Even though I would fucking hate for you to have sex with her, if you do, make sure she knows you don't want a relationship beforehand. If she expects more and you hurt her by turning her down, I will probably jump you in the hall and beat you until subdued.
I don't assign any special significance to dreams. That was more John's thing than mine. He was sort of spiritual and considered both Hindu and Buddhist schools of thought as well as standard psychology concerning them.
Good. She can reassure me over and over that she won't replace me but I'll always fear it anyway.
This disturbs me, though, more than the things I'm saying. All of this shit. I was immobilized in the infirmary when Coyolxauhqui was killing people, so it's not that. It's because I could hear my warden talking about her willingness to sleep with you before I replied and I don't like to think of her as having sexual desires. That's just one more way she could find someone to replace me and I'm terrified that will happen, even though she insists it won't. We don't have sex, so don't think that. I don't want to have sex with her or anyone else, ever. I just don't like her interacting with anyone but me because I'm an angry, paranoid, jealous person.
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Don't worry about Sarah. If we ever had sex, it wouldn't lead to anything, because I'm not interested in getting into a relationship.
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Even though I would fucking hate for you to have sex with her, if you do, make sure she knows you don't want a relationship beforehand. If she expects more and you hurt her by turning her down, I will probably jump you in the hall and beat you until subdued.
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Anyway, I think I blew my chances by triggering unpleasant memories for her.
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Good. She can reassure me over and over that she won't replace me but I'll always fear it anyway.
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