And then life hits you and you go down.
Why, hello there livejournal, it's been a long time. It's been a hard time.
The past two months have been the most difficult of my entire life. I've had other times that are sadder, that have made me angrier, that have been worse but that has all been the result of other people, other things. As soon as I got back from winter break I had what I can only describe as a mental mindfuck,and my anxiety pretty much swallowed me alive. I could barely do homework, hang out with people, practice my guitar, write, anything. It made things with John too stressful. We broke up. A month ago yesterday. And that was incredibly painful BUT just so we know thing are going well. We are planning on discussing getting back together in the fall. Anyway. I was paralyzed: that's the only way I can think to put it. But I started going to the counseling center, and whoa, that didn't work out at first. Met with the wrong person, I guess, and I was still pretty desperate, and things still sucked so eventually my mother told me that I needed something. I'm not usually like that. Even if I'm unhappy I spring back from it fairly quickly - happiness tends to be my usual state even if I am in the midst of an anxious time. So, anyway, now I'm taking two different antianxiety medications, one for longer term, one which I should be off next week or the week after. I've started meditating at least twice every day.
I feel like I've just had the hardest fight of my life and somehow, somehow, I came out on top. Four weeks ago the future seemed crushing, every day a struggle with the promise of waking up the next morning with my heart racing and all my thoughts infected. I feel happier now, and stronger - these past two weeks have been amazing. My mom and John have been sources of strength like I couldn't even imagine - without them I don't know where I'd be. My friends here have also been so helpful, and most of them don't even know what's been going on.
I've been to a couple friends' birthday parties, smoked a few times, hung out and played video games, written poetry, practiced my guitar. I feel happier. I feel stronger. I've started to declare my majors - almost done with that. Everything is starting to go well and I think it will get even better.
I saw Muse with John on Saturday and holy shit it was AMAZING. AMAAAAZING AND EPIC AND AMAZING. There were lasers and towers and spinning drums and Matt Bellamy being completely insane and OH MAH GAAHHHD. Played Uprising at the beginning, favorites in the middle were Starlight and Time is Running Out and Hysteria, and an epic epic epic encore finish with Knights of Cydonia. It was an incredible concert, and we had a great view even if we were very far off. The green lasers looked like fireflies all over the audience. In the space between the last song and the encore, people were waving their lighters and cellphones and since we were above it all it looked beautiful, like a giant constellation. After the concert we went back to my house and stayed there the night (a little weird since John slept on the floor and I on the bed) and mummy drove us back to Trinity the next morning.
Yesterday night I hung out in a friend's room and we watched scary movies until three in the morning and I rolled around the floor in lovely lovely comforters.
Things are going well. I am happier. I hope this keeps getting better.
The past two months have been the most difficult of my entire life. I've had other times that are sadder, that have made me angrier, that have been worse but that has all been the result of other people, other things. As soon as I got back from winter break I had what I can only describe as a mental mindfuck,and my anxiety pretty much swallowed me alive. I could barely do homework, hang out with people, practice my guitar, write, anything. It made things with John too stressful. We broke up. A month ago yesterday. And that was incredibly painful BUT just so we know thing are going well. We are planning on discussing getting back together in the fall. Anyway. I was paralyzed: that's the only way I can think to put it. But I started going to the counseling center, and whoa, that didn't work out at first. Met with the wrong person, I guess, and I was still pretty desperate, and things still sucked so eventually my mother told me that I needed something. I'm not usually like that. Even if I'm unhappy I spring back from it fairly quickly - happiness tends to be my usual state even if I am in the midst of an anxious time. So, anyway, now I'm taking two different antianxiety medications, one for longer term, one which I should be off next week or the week after. I've started meditating at least twice every day.
I feel like I've just had the hardest fight of my life and somehow, somehow, I came out on top. Four weeks ago the future seemed crushing, every day a struggle with the promise of waking up the next morning with my heart racing and all my thoughts infected. I feel happier now, and stronger - these past two weeks have been amazing. My mom and John have been sources of strength like I couldn't even imagine - without them I don't know where I'd be. My friends here have also been so helpful, and most of them don't even know what's been going on.
I've been to a couple friends' birthday parties, smoked a few times, hung out and played video games, written poetry, practiced my guitar. I feel happier. I feel stronger. I've started to declare my majors - almost done with that. Everything is starting to go well and I think it will get even better.
I saw Muse with John on Saturday and holy shit it was AMAZING. AMAAAAZING AND EPIC AND AMAZING. There were lasers and towers and spinning drums and Matt Bellamy being completely insane and OH MAH GAAHHHD. Played Uprising at the beginning, favorites in the middle were Starlight and Time is Running Out and Hysteria, and an epic epic epic encore finish with Knights of Cydonia. It was an incredible concert, and we had a great view even if we were very far off. The green lasers looked like fireflies all over the audience. In the space between the last song and the encore, people were waving their lighters and cellphones and since we were above it all it looked beautiful, like a giant constellation. After the concert we went back to my house and stayed there the night (a little weird since John slept on the floor and I on the bed) and mummy drove us back to Trinity the next morning.
Yesterday night I hung out in a friend's room and we watched scary movies until three in the morning and I rolled around the floor in lovely lovely comforters.
Things are going well. I am happier. I hope this keeps getting better.