Victor
ive been sitting here, fidgeting, getting distracted, running thoughts of you fleeting across my mind. i cannot focus. so i have to write it down. i have to put it all into words.
i have to write about the way everything felt comfortable with you, the way you were so comfortable with me, the way i can tell that you care more than you should, the way you're fascinated by me, but also not intimidated by me.
the way our fingers fit so perfectly together, the roughness of your hands when i fun my fingers over your palms, the way you brushed my hair away from my eyes,
i hate hands, but i like yours. i hate feet, but i like yours. i hate beards, but i like yours, maybe not against my skin, but i like the way it looks on you. i like how you dont tell me im cute, i like how you look at me as if you think im tough, but yet knowing im gentle also. you dont want to fix me, i feel as if you think im perfectly fine the way i am. you understand darkness, and what it's like to want to not exist anymore, and yet staying.
The way my body has been so drawn to yours; i feel this incredible need to touch you, brush my arm against yours, slide my hand over your back, hold you close, feel your skin against my skin...
you kissed my hands but didnt demand anything. you didnt try to hold me, but when i put my arm around you, that was enough. i like that you let me go my own pace. i like that when i put my hand on your chest, you didnt try to pull all of me closer, you were content that that was all i wanted to give you.
you're a little wild, but gentle. knowledgeable yet open minded. you knew that the things i say meant i care even if everything else i say are insults. you know how to compliment me without directly complimenting me. i feel like you could balance me out. you seem to be such an adult in thought, and yet be able to not be consumed by it.
i can see us living our lives, and still be able to be together. there's no rush, and yet, there is an urgency, to know you more, to delve deep inside of you, to find your darkest secrets and treasure them.
i wanted to sidle up to you, sneak into the curves of your body, bury my face in your chest, and savour the way your arms feel around me. i felt an incredible sense of greed to be in your embrace. but i was also terrified. terrified that this might be too fast, that this might be wrong, that it might turn out to be a bad thing, that i might end up hurting you. i was terrified that i'd be sending messages that i'd regret sending, that you might kiss me, because i'm not yet ready for that. i wanted everything to go so fast, and yet, iw anted everything to go so slowly, so i can savour each moment, and every new thing. i didnt want to rush it, and yet, i am craving for you.
for once in my life, it doesnt matter what other people will think of you, what matters is that i want it to be you that i choose. i want it to be you that i choose despite what the world would yell at me. i want it to be you that i soften for, i want it to be you that i give my magic to. i want to be there to hold you when the world falls apart, and i want you out of all my friends to be the first one to see me completely break down. i feel that you could handle it, you'd know what to do. i want you to be the one i go against all odds with, i want you to be the one i defy the world with.
god, all i want to do is be with you, i want to be there when you wake up, and i want to come home to you. i want to have your company, your quietness, your passion, your eccentricity.
i am terrified because i know that i can fall in love with you. but im not afraid enough to not show you or let you know. i feel as if this is worth the plunge.