45-minute dinners at Daly's with friends > 10-minute, lonely dinners at Subway
As I was walking to my office from my car today (it's sort of a long walk in the cold), some scent in the air reminded me of Rider, and I got a little nostalgic. Maybe it was the cold, cloudy, yet not snowy/rainy atmosphere outside. Who knows?
This is the first time in a while I've had one of these flashbacks (methinks my brain had been so sidetracked this past year with trying to make a living and keep things in check at home in light of the Ex's uncanny ability to fail miserably at life), and I guess it was nice and unsettling at the same time.
I had a flashback of my walking to Spanish IV or one of the classes I had with Dr. Ludmila Kapschutschenko-Schmitt (try saying that 80 times really quickly) in the cold of December, and then I had a flashback of my walking back from class as snowflakes fell and I made my way to Daly's. I believe Nicole and Mike were there. I was getting my mocha cappuccino, and placing marshmallows into the foamy cup, trying not to spill it, like I usually did. I remember I went through a phase where all I would eat was Cookie Crisp and cappuccino.
Hah. My 23-year-old self looks down upon Little Cara with scorn now -- stupid teen. "It's your fault the current me is 30 pounds overweight. Put that Cookie Crisp down, put the brownie down, and go eat a fucking banana, you whore." (I suppose I had the right idea when I would drink the flavored water instead of soda, but that was shortlived.)
What really upsets me is that I will never be this carefree again. I will never eat lunch and dinner with my friends every day again. I will never again live in a communal party environment. I can't just call up Nicole or Bill or someone and be all like, "You don't have class right now -- go shopping with me," or, "Are you down for a spur-of-the-moment trip to P-Rex?" I can't just peer out my window and watch the geese fighting with each other around the lake, nor can I peer out the Rider News windows and realize I am eye-level with two ducks who are doing the nasty.
When I was 18, my biggest problem was that stupid remedial math class they made me take in the skills center next to Daly's, and the fact that I had class on Monday and Wednesday from like 8 a.m. to fucking 4:20.
Now, my biggest problem is making sure I call township officials and coaches to quote them accurately so I can continue to receive a paycheck and continue to pay off my new car, my car insurance, $400 of student loans monthly, rent, XM radio (muy importante), credit card bills, bass lessons, etc. Oh, and I have to fill my tank to be able to get to work to pay all these things.
And instead of class from 8 a.m. to 4:20, I am in hell from 9 a.m. to 11 p.m. at night. I don't get to eat dinner with my friends. Instead, I go to Subway, order a sub, eat it in ten minutes by myself, listening to Britney Spears over the restauran't airwaves (I suppose the same station would have been playing in Daly's anyway, haha).
Oh, and using your student ID card as many times a day as you wanted to "pay" for the food isn't such a bad idea, either. Imagine using your driver's license to pay for a sub and coffee at QuickChek, and going back a few hours later for something else, just to swipe it again. No, now, you swipe your debit or credit cards, and it actually deducts from the balance of money you need to actually live. Either that, or a bill in the mail comes, saying, "You fat asshole, pay now for that sub you ate two weeks ago, but didn't have four bucks in cash to spare to pay for it."
Instead of coming back to my room, and hearing the mix of musical tastes around the building, and people walking to and from each other's rooms, I come home to a silent apartment, with the faint sound of my grandparents' conversation and television blasting in the other part of the house.
Instead of being able to see if my friends were awake, just by hearing their movements in the doors next to mine, or by IMing them online to see if I could run right over, I send them Facebook messages because they all have busy grown-up lives now, too.
Instead of calling Lisa every morning on the way to class, I call her every day on my way to work as I am stuck in traffic.
Don't get me wrong -- I've waited to be grown up and do all these things for myself, and be responsible, and save for a house, and do whatever I want.
I think what it comes down to is that things just sort of happened. I didn't say -- "Okay, now this is your second year at college," and "Okay, this is your third year at college, Cara." It was sort of, just known. It was known we would all graduate and move on with our lives.
I'm just super moody today. I guess what I really wish is that I could just pause and rewind, like Tivo, in real life, because once in a while, I'd like to sit at Daly's and re-listen to the conversations we all had about the trivial projects and work we had to do, with the knowledge that compared to now, it's nothing. I'd like to rewind to those nights where we went to the movies on a Wednesday, came back and indulged at the Bronc Diner. (Sidenote: of course, if this were possible, I would also request a fast forward option, so I can fast forward through these god-awful meetings.)
I don't think I would have changed anything that I did while there because everything happens for a reason, and things fall into place and progress through life the way they're supposed to do. I wish I would have taken the time to sit back and realize that it really was the time of my life.
I just wish that once in a while, I wasn't so grown up.
This is the first time in a while I've had one of these flashbacks (methinks my brain had been so sidetracked this past year with trying to make a living and keep things in check at home in light of the Ex's uncanny ability to fail miserably at life), and I guess it was nice and unsettling at the same time.
I had a flashback of my walking to Spanish IV or one of the classes I had with Dr. Ludmila Kapschutschenko-Schmitt (try saying that 80 times really quickly) in the cold of December, and then I had a flashback of my walking back from class as snowflakes fell and I made my way to Daly's. I believe Nicole and Mike were there. I was getting my mocha cappuccino, and placing marshmallows into the foamy cup, trying not to spill it, like I usually did. I remember I went through a phase where all I would eat was Cookie Crisp and cappuccino.
Hah. My 23-year-old self looks down upon Little Cara with scorn now -- stupid teen. "It's your fault the current me is 30 pounds overweight. Put that Cookie Crisp down, put the brownie down, and go eat a fucking banana, you whore." (I suppose I had the right idea when I would drink the flavored water instead of soda, but that was shortlived.)
What really upsets me is that I will never be this carefree again. I will never eat lunch and dinner with my friends every day again. I will never again live in a communal party environment. I can't just call up Nicole or Bill or someone and be all like, "You don't have class right now -- go shopping with me," or, "Are you down for a spur-of-the-moment trip to P-Rex?" I can't just peer out my window and watch the geese fighting with each other around the lake, nor can I peer out the Rider News windows and realize I am eye-level with two ducks who are doing the nasty.
When I was 18, my biggest problem was that stupid remedial math class they made me take in the skills center next to Daly's, and the fact that I had class on Monday and Wednesday from like 8 a.m. to fucking 4:20.
Now, my biggest problem is making sure I call township officials and coaches to quote them accurately so I can continue to receive a paycheck and continue to pay off my new car, my car insurance, $400 of student loans monthly, rent, XM radio (muy importante), credit card bills, bass lessons, etc. Oh, and I have to fill my tank to be able to get to work to pay all these things.
And instead of class from 8 a.m. to 4:20, I am in hell from 9 a.m. to 11 p.m. at night. I don't get to eat dinner with my friends. Instead, I go to Subway, order a sub, eat it in ten minutes by myself, listening to Britney Spears over the restauran't airwaves (I suppose the same station would have been playing in Daly's anyway, haha).
Oh, and using your student ID card as many times a day as you wanted to "pay" for the food isn't such a bad idea, either. Imagine using your driver's license to pay for a sub and coffee at QuickChek, and going back a few hours later for something else, just to swipe it again. No, now, you swipe your debit or credit cards, and it actually deducts from the balance of money you need to actually live. Either that, or a bill in the mail comes, saying, "You fat asshole, pay now for that sub you ate two weeks ago, but didn't have four bucks in cash to spare to pay for it."
Instead of coming back to my room, and hearing the mix of musical tastes around the building, and people walking to and from each other's rooms, I come home to a silent apartment, with the faint sound of my grandparents' conversation and television blasting in the other part of the house.
Instead of being able to see if my friends were awake, just by hearing their movements in the doors next to mine, or by IMing them online to see if I could run right over, I send them Facebook messages because they all have busy grown-up lives now, too.
Instead of calling Lisa every morning on the way to class, I call her every day on my way to work as I am stuck in traffic.
Don't get me wrong -- I've waited to be grown up and do all these things for myself, and be responsible, and save for a house, and do whatever I want.
I think what it comes down to is that things just sort of happened. I didn't say -- "Okay, now this is your second year at college," and "Okay, this is your third year at college, Cara." It was sort of, just known. It was known we would all graduate and move on with our lives.
I'm just super moody today. I guess what I really wish is that I could just pause and rewind, like Tivo, in real life, because once in a while, I'd like to sit at Daly's and re-listen to the conversations we all had about the trivial projects and work we had to do, with the knowledge that compared to now, it's nothing. I'd like to rewind to those nights where we went to the movies on a Wednesday, came back and indulged at the Bronc Diner. (Sidenote: of course, if this were possible, I would also request a fast forward option, so I can fast forward through these god-awful meetings.)
I don't think I would have changed anything that I did while there because everything happens for a reason, and things fall into place and progress through life the way they're supposed to do. I wish I would have taken the time to sit back and realize that it really was the time of my life.
I just wish that once in a while, I wasn't so grown up.