Ball & Chain [Kenpachi/Unohana, Ikkaku, Yumichika, Yachiru; PG-13]
Title: Ball & Chain
Author: chaineddove
Fandom: Bleach
Rating: PG-13 for language
Genre: Crack
Pairing: Kenpachi/Unohana, Ikkaku, Yumichika, Yachiru
Wordcount: 836
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, trust me. I don't think even Tite Kubo would do something this depraved.
Author’s Notes: Yachiru gets her way, and Kenpachi considers running away from a challenge for the first time in his life. A direct follow-up to Happily Ever After, Sort Of to the point where I STRONGLY recommend you read that one first.
***
“How. The fuck. Did I end up. HERE.” The brief pauses between the words were accompanied by flares of reiatsu so intense that Ikkaku winced despite his best efforts to maintain a stoic expression appropriate to the occasion (he was fortunate that standing, even with crutches, still hurt like hell, or best effort or not, he’d likely be laughing his ass off).
At the risk of getting his head ripped off, he decided it was probably best not to mention that they had all come in through the door. Somehow, he doubted that was the answer his captain was looking for. “Ask the princess,” he said instead, laying credit squarely where it was due. He had known the vice captain for years, but was still rather impressed with her capacity for chaos. Who’d have thought a pink-haired midget was capable of pulling off something like this?
Captain Zaraki glowered. Yachiru ran by in a flurry of giggles and rose tulle, but the captain didn’t say anything. Ikkaku was pretty sure he realized there was no escaping the trap.
“Stop wasting time and fix the flower arrangement,” suggested Yumichika. “It’s crooked.”
Ikkaku glared at him. “In case you haven’t noticed, I’m on fucking crutches.”
Yumichika glared back over the mass of bandages enveloping him. “Oh, I’m so sorry for you,” he said acidly. “I look terrible! And I’m in a wheelchair.”
“Like anyone else will even know the difference,” Ikkaku argued. Yumichika kept glaring. Ikkaku sighed and shifted his weight to balance on one of his crutches so he could use the other one to poke at the arrangement of pink roses complemented with lavender bellflowers and sprigs of yarrow.
“Now it’s even more-”
“I don’t care,” Ikkaku said. In his professional opinion, they were all going to die in a minute, in any case. Either the captain was going to lose control and kill them all - except possibly the midget, who was freakishly good at surviving - or they would actually go through with this, and then they would all die anyway. Of shock. Regardless, the world as they knew it would come to an abrupt end. “Trust me, if you could stand up here instead of me, I’d trade.” Right next to Captain Zaraki was not the best place to be right now.
“I would certainly have served to decorate the proceedings,” Yumichika replied with a dramatic sigh. “I’m sure that my profound elegance would have only been enhanced by the shade of that suit.”
Ikkaku fumed. “The brat picked it,” he reminded Yumichika. It’s not like he wanted to be wearing the pink suit. He gave his captain a less-than-kind look. No one had tried to force him into these incomprehensible earth clothes. The closest anyone had come was exchanging his ripped haori for a fresh one. Then again, as a rule, no one forced Zaraki Kenpachi into anything.
“Ken-chan! You look great!”
Except for her.
“Listen, Ken-chan, the cake is here and it’s really big and Nanao-chan says I can’t eat it until later and I can’t even jump out of it like the girl in that weird magazine Kyou-chan gave me, and I told her you wouldn’t care, but she wouldn’t listen to me, and she’s locked the reception hall with some sort of weird kidou-”
“VICE CAPTAIN KUSAJISHI!” came the exasperated cry from the other side of the room.
“Oops, gotta go, guess it’s about time to start! Flower-san looks so pretty, wait till you see!” Yachiru gave Ikkaku an amused look that he was sure was meant to get his blood boiling. “Baldy doesn’t look very pretty, does he? Well, there will be cake and the cake is really pretty, so it’s fine.”
“VICE CAPTAIN-”
“COMING, NANAO-CHAN!” Yachiru yelled back at the top of her lungs. “I really gotta go,” she chirped. Beaming up at the two standing at the altar, she informed them, “This will be great, you’ll see. Good luck, Ken-chan!” With that, she flitted away.
“How. The fuck. Did I end up. HERE.” The look on his captain’s face was one Ikkaku had never seen before. On anyone else, he might have called it fear.
The doors at the end of the hall opened and Yachiru came skipping towards them, liberally flinging flower petals everywhere. She was followed by Captain Unohana in something flowing and white which glittered blindingly when the light hit it. She looked radiant and at peace with the world. Captain Zaraki looked like for the first time he was considering the “flight” option of his fight or flight reflex.
Awkwardly, Ikkaku sidled up closer to his captain, trying not to trip over his crutches. “If you run now, no one’s going to save you from her,” he cautioned. Death by furious jilted bride was probably not the way the captain had imagined his last moments playing out. “You’re on your own.”
A last, furious flare of reiatsu was all he got for his warning.
“Dearly beloved,” Captain Yamamoto began, “we are gathered here today…”
Author: chaineddove
Fandom: Bleach
Rating: PG-13 for language
Genre: Crack
Pairing: Kenpachi/Unohana, Ikkaku, Yumichika, Yachiru
Wordcount: 836
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, trust me. I don't think even Tite Kubo would do something this depraved.
Author’s Notes: Yachiru gets her way, and Kenpachi considers running away from a challenge for the first time in his life. A direct follow-up to Happily Ever After, Sort Of to the point where I STRONGLY recommend you read that one first.
***
“How. The fuck. Did I end up. HERE.” The brief pauses between the words were accompanied by flares of reiatsu so intense that Ikkaku winced despite his best efforts to maintain a stoic expression appropriate to the occasion (he was fortunate that standing, even with crutches, still hurt like hell, or best effort or not, he’d likely be laughing his ass off).
At the risk of getting his head ripped off, he decided it was probably best not to mention that they had all come in through the door. Somehow, he doubted that was the answer his captain was looking for. “Ask the princess,” he said instead, laying credit squarely where it was due. He had known the vice captain for years, but was still rather impressed with her capacity for chaos. Who’d have thought a pink-haired midget was capable of pulling off something like this?
Captain Zaraki glowered. Yachiru ran by in a flurry of giggles and rose tulle, but the captain didn’t say anything. Ikkaku was pretty sure he realized there was no escaping the trap.
“Stop wasting time and fix the flower arrangement,” suggested Yumichika. “It’s crooked.”
Ikkaku glared at him. “In case you haven’t noticed, I’m on fucking crutches.”
Yumichika glared back over the mass of bandages enveloping him. “Oh, I’m so sorry for you,” he said acidly. “I look terrible! And I’m in a wheelchair.”
“Like anyone else will even know the difference,” Ikkaku argued. Yumichika kept glaring. Ikkaku sighed and shifted his weight to balance on one of his crutches so he could use the other one to poke at the arrangement of pink roses complemented with lavender bellflowers and sprigs of yarrow.
“Now it’s even more-”
“I don’t care,” Ikkaku said. In his professional opinion, they were all going to die in a minute, in any case. Either the captain was going to lose control and kill them all - except possibly the midget, who was freakishly good at surviving - or they would actually go through with this, and then they would all die anyway. Of shock. Regardless, the world as they knew it would come to an abrupt end. “Trust me, if you could stand up here instead of me, I’d trade.” Right next to Captain Zaraki was not the best place to be right now.
“I would certainly have served to decorate the proceedings,” Yumichika replied with a dramatic sigh. “I’m sure that my profound elegance would have only been enhanced by the shade of that suit.”
Ikkaku fumed. “The brat picked it,” he reminded Yumichika. It’s not like he wanted to be wearing the pink suit. He gave his captain a less-than-kind look. No one had tried to force him into these incomprehensible earth clothes. The closest anyone had come was exchanging his ripped haori for a fresh one. Then again, as a rule, no one forced Zaraki Kenpachi into anything.
“Ken-chan! You look great!”
Except for her.
“Listen, Ken-chan, the cake is here and it’s really big and Nanao-chan says I can’t eat it until later and I can’t even jump out of it like the girl in that weird magazine Kyou-chan gave me, and I told her you wouldn’t care, but she wouldn’t listen to me, and she’s locked the reception hall with some sort of weird kidou-”
“VICE CAPTAIN KUSAJISHI!” came the exasperated cry from the other side of the room.
“Oops, gotta go, guess it’s about time to start! Flower-san looks so pretty, wait till you see!” Yachiru gave Ikkaku an amused look that he was sure was meant to get his blood boiling. “Baldy doesn’t look very pretty, does he? Well, there will be cake and the cake is really pretty, so it’s fine.”
“VICE CAPTAIN-”
“COMING, NANAO-CHAN!” Yachiru yelled back at the top of her lungs. “I really gotta go,” she chirped. Beaming up at the two standing at the altar, she informed them, “This will be great, you’ll see. Good luck, Ken-chan!” With that, she flitted away.
“How. The fuck. Did I end up. HERE.” The look on his captain’s face was one Ikkaku had never seen before. On anyone else, he might have called it fear.
The doors at the end of the hall opened and Yachiru came skipping towards them, liberally flinging flower petals everywhere. She was followed by Captain Unohana in something flowing and white which glittered blindingly when the light hit it. She looked radiant and at peace with the world. Captain Zaraki looked like for the first time he was considering the “flight” option of his fight or flight reflex.
Awkwardly, Ikkaku sidled up closer to his captain, trying not to trip over his crutches. “If you run now, no one’s going to save you from her,” he cautioned. Death by furious jilted bride was probably not the way the captain had imagined his last moments playing out. “You’re on your own.”
A last, furious flare of reiatsu was all he got for his warning.
“Dearly beloved,” Captain Yamamoto began, “we are gathered here today…”