This entry is a little bit of a downer but I needed to get it out
The Onion Cellar was amazing.
Picture with Amanda. She touched my waist.
So I got up this morning, and told my mom about the Onion Cellar, and she was really distraught and wanted to talk about my father. Which I wanted no part of. But, she kept talking about how she wishes I would contact him, because she really thinks this is all just so sad. And it is sad. But I'm not going to contact him. We've both had our chances at confrontation years ago and we didn't take them.
She wanted to know how he slept at night. She said she needed closure. She needed to know how someone can do that to his own family.
I told her he lies to himself.
Thats the only way he could sleep at night. he lies to himself and he believes those lies. Without them, he wouldn't be able to go on.
My mom told me that I scare her. That shes petrified of that part of me that is so similar to him. She told me that her biggest fear is me turning out like him.
She sees him in me all the time.
She says shes afraid that when she dies, I'll abandon this family. That I'll turn on everyone and only hate. She says I have that trait of his.
That I'm capable of the same evils he is.
She wanted to know why she never sees me cry.
Why I'm not more bothered. She says that I can fight with someone and hate them and just push it under the surface so that the guilt can't touch me and I can get through the day and no one notices anything different.
She wanted to know why she never sees me cry.
I told her I didn't know. But I do know.
It's because I lie to myself.
Because i paint myself a picture of a place where nothing is wrong. Because I can't face the truth of what happened. Because the whole truth is more than she knows and it scares me more than it scares her. Because I'm petrified of his hold on me. His blood is mine. No matter how much I fight it and try to deny it, we share DNA. I don't want that part of myself. So I continue to fight it. But I know its there.
It will always be there.