I dreamed I had a name...

[_fredless]

Who:Winifred Burkle and YOU
What: Her Headspace
When: Anytime After Friday Evening
Where: Fred's Room (She won't be leaving it)
Rating: TBD (Darker themes present including slavery and torture)

Comments

[likethetragedy]

Elektra had been lost in her room all day. Not that she could be sure herself if it had been a day or not. Wandering through it (especially that last level) had thrown off her sense of time completely. Elektra does know one thing for certain: regardless of how long she had been stuck in there Fred was supposed to be coming on Friday. There was no way in Hell she'd let the other woman walk into thatThe second she finds an exit, Elektra bee lined for Fred's, not even bothering to change out the tank top and gym pants she wore to bed. Maybe for once she'd be lucky and beat Fred before she could head over. In her sense of urgency, Elektra forgets to knock on the door. She simply opens it and steps on inside until it hits her just what she had walked into

[_fredless]

She's still writing.

She hasn't stopped. The cave continues to accommodate her, stretching further and further back to make room for every word. Every stray thought. Every confession.

Her chin ticks slightly at the voice, some sliver of recognition there. Then, quietly.

"...I'm not doing anything. Anything. That's the point, isn't it?"

And then once against she's furiously scribbling on the walls.

[likethetragedy]

"No," she answers softly. Her eyes are wandering over the writings. After a minute of reading, she glances away. What she is reading is incredibly personal. Elektra felt she had no right to discover it like this. Frankly she couldn't picture Fred saying any of that aloud.

"You're writing-" She breaks off. She doesn't want to mention specifics aloud even if they were out there for the world to see. "... and sharing things. Do you want to share this? If you don't... if it's making you do this..."

She'd scratch off, break the walls, anything. Some things were better left unsaid.

[_fredless]

She can't look at them -- not with that voice. There's too much understanding there. Too much compassion. Did she want do share these things? Or did she want them never to have happened at all? There's too many befores and afters to account for. There's not room for them all in her head.

Finally.

Quietly.

"...if I don't share them, does that mean it never happened?"

[likethetragedy]

Something in Elektra softens at that. She wished it worked that way. For a moment, she's tempted sorely to lie. It'd be so much easier to say what sounded nice in this situation. Now more than ever she couldn't bring herself to do it with Fred. What she saw here was too genuine and vulnerable.

"No. They still happened," she explains. "It just means you have to face what happened alone."

[_fredless]

Finally, she looks at her. There's something in the other woman's face that eases the band that sits tight around her chest.

"I'm not counting on ever forgetting it. Not really." The words come slow. Hard to admit. "...but I don't know how to be the person that lives with it."

[likethetragedy]

Elektra frowns. She's conflicted on what to do. This isn't something she can solve through violence. This was emotional. Thankfully for her, she knew a man who did know how to handle past burdens: Ukitake. She knows what he would say if he was here.

"Then don't do it alone." Elektra closes the small distance between them. Hesitantly she places a hand on Fred's shoulder. Elektra may not like touching but, she knows it's important to have physical connection in these sort of situations. "I know how to be the person who lives with it. I may not have had all of this happen to me..."

She glances at the walls. There were horrors on here she'd hopefully never endure but, she'd seen enough to relate; to help. After all, she'd be innocent once too before monsters came along to destroy everything dear to her until only she was left and even that wasn't spared. "... but I've seen enough. I'll teach you, Fred. We'll do it together as master and student."

[_fredless]

She instinctively tightens at the touch. She's so far gone, so out of practice. It hurts in a way that it shouldn't, skin shouldn't ever be so far gone it forgets what other skin feels like. Voices should mingle and conversations should have more than one side and if this is just something else she's cobbled together in one of those rare moments of uninterrupted sleep?

She can't keep doing this to herself. She just can't. Especially not that whisper of warmth she feels, underneath the dirt and the hurt. What'll be left is she loses that all over again?

She's already...

"But she's alone. She's always been alone."

It's the smallest of steps away from the girl writing on the walls. A moment of outside, looking in. Because it's true. This -- she's been locked away for so long. They didn't want to know about her, they didn't want to see. They just wanted her better. Outside of rooms an up from underneath tables and using things like words and utensils. They didn't want her.

And neither did she.

[likethetragedy]

Elektra manages to keep the contact despite sensing that tightening. It wasn't a rejection outright and if it could help she'd do it. That in itself surprised Elektra even after a year here. She dismissed that feeling. Fred was her student. It was her responsibility to guide her.

"You don't have to be alone, Fred. Even if it's always been this way... things change. People come into your life, they see you, and still want you anyways." Like Abby, Ukitake, and Matt. They saw her for who she was and still cared. "All you have to do is let them be with you."

[_fredless]

The words land, settle in a place of understanding. She wears the comprehension the way she's been wearing everything else.

All while taking in the depths of the cave. The dank, stale air. So, so many words.

"I don't want them here. Nobody....they shouldn't have to be here."

[likethetragedy]

Elektra's gaze falls to the floor. After a moment of thought, "But they need to be here if it help you." She exhales. "That's how it works, right? You have to share it. That's what he would say." The last part is mostly to herself.

[_fredless]

There's a glimmer. A spark of old, unforgotten curiosity. She stares at her walls.

"...he?"

[likethetragedy]

"Ukitake Jyuushiro." She glances at the walls with her. Elektra makes an effort not to really read what she was seeing; just look. "He always knew what to say. If he were here you'd be fine. He'd make everything okay."

[_fredless]

She glances at Elektra, feeling the emotions more than hearing the words. He's important. Whoever he is, he's important.

But finally, quietly.

"Nothing can make this ok."

[likethetragedy]

"Maybe," Elektra conceded. "But it could be bearable. If you just had some time...." She exhales loudly.

"I'm sorry this happened to you. I know that doesn't mean anything but, I am. You deserve better."

[_fredless]

"...some time?" She doesn't understand. The words, somehow, aren't quite connecting. But then words have a way of getting away from her now. Or getting all used up on walls, then abandoned.

"No one does, you know. Deserve it. Nobody does."

That, at least, is a quiet moment of clarity.