thirty-fifth
[Private]
[Yeah... this one's spent most of the day feeling pretty much sick to his stomach at the day he had yesterday. It's not only the fact that he spouted propaganda, was generally a disgusting human being, insulted and potentially hurt the feelings of several very nice people, semi-flirted with Crowley, encouraged things that he normally wouldn't, mouthed off to Death herself... All of these things are terrible enough on their own. But what adds to the awful feeling even more is that he could have become that person. A little less personal standards and morals, and a little more pushing on Gellert's part... that could have been him. He'd always told himself that what he and Gellert were going to wasn't exactly the advocacy of Wizard supremacy, but in truth, they were about two steps away from it. Even though he's distanced himself from Gellert now, stopped thinking about those things; even though Gellert himself seems to be changing... it still sickens him so much, just thinking about it.
Softly:]
How incredibly stupid I am.
I should have known better. I did know better, but I went against my better judgment and did it anyway.
Gellert... he will not change, except of his own violation. Maybe he can here, but in the real world... he shall not. Never.
[ow]
Maybe I shouldn't... maybe I shouldn't have been so cold to Gellert then... but no. It would hurt too much. Anything I would attempt would hurt too much.
[long pause, he taps his pen against the paper for a few minutes. when he speaks, he sounds slightly irritated]
Stop putting it off.
[/Private]
[some throat clearing before he begins talking quietly. he was going to filter this... but no. that would be cowardly]
To anyone whom I spoke to or interacted with yesterday, or anyone who came across the things I said in the journal:
I am very, very sincerely sorry. Most of you will know that I am not normally like that, and do not truly believe the sentiments I expressed. Far from it. The... wish I made backfired; I deserved no less, for it was a selfish wish. I should have known much better.
Please, if there is anything I can do to make up for my words and actions yesterday, do not hesitate to tell me.
Once again; my deepest apologies.
[is being avoidant; but if you're looking for him, you'll find him in the music room with a book]
[Yeah... this one's spent most of the day feeling pretty much sick to his stomach at the day he had yesterday. It's not only the fact that he spouted propaganda, was generally a disgusting human being, insulted and potentially hurt the feelings of several very nice people, semi-flirted with Crowley, encouraged things that he normally wouldn't, mouthed off to Death herself... All of these things are terrible enough on their own. But what adds to the awful feeling even more is that he could have become that person. A little less personal standards and morals, and a little more pushing on Gellert's part... that could have been him. He'd always told himself that what he and Gellert were going to wasn't exactly the advocacy of Wizard supremacy, but in truth, they were about two steps away from it. Even though he's distanced himself from Gellert now, stopped thinking about those things; even though Gellert himself seems to be changing... it still sickens him so much, just thinking about it.
Softly:]
How incredibly stupid I am.
I should have known better. I did know better, but I went against my better judgment and did it anyway.
Gellert... he will not change, except of his own violation. Maybe he can here, but in the real world... he shall not. Never.
[ow]
Maybe I shouldn't... maybe I shouldn't have been so cold to Gellert then... but no. It would hurt too much. Anything I would attempt would hurt too much.
[long pause, he taps his pen against the paper for a few minutes. when he speaks, he sounds slightly irritated]
Stop putting it off.
[/Private]
[some throat clearing before he begins talking quietly. he was going to filter this... but no. that would be cowardly]
To anyone whom I spoke to or interacted with yesterday, or anyone who came across the things I said in the journal:
I am very, very sincerely sorry. Most of you will know that I am not normally like that, and do not truly believe the sentiments I expressed. Far from it. The... wish I made backfired; I deserved no less, for it was a selfish wish. I should have known much better.
Please, if there is anything I can do to make up for my words and actions yesterday, do not hesitate to tell me.
Once again; my deepest apologies.
[is being avoidant; but if you're looking for him, you'll find him in the music room with a book]