® .026. deep breaths
[private]
[written]
So I know he's back. Mean it's not all too difficult to catch that sort of continuous stream of thought running through the journals. In fact it's nearly impossible to miss it. Didn't take him long either, which I'm not sure if I should feel relieved, or confused over but still there it is. That unknown knot in my stomach. I get attached, and I shouldn't. Well I suppose it's going to happen no matter what, but I want to not feel like this place is going to make me keep reliving those worst moments in my life. I should be like everyone else and be annoyed at my losses, well-put off when the castle changes to something horrid, and hilariously amused when my mates are turned into animals. I should have the same chance they all get, and instead I feel like I'm wrapped up tighter and losing so much more when they're here.
Feel like I've been pulled away from the Doctor. Mean I went to him when things were good or bad, and now I feel like he's trying to go back to not remembering me at all. Given all those memories and maybe it's too much for him. Maybe he's found someone else that makes him laugh and want to go on adventures. Thought I'd be fine. Mean I wasn't expecting anything. Maybe I should've moved into the TARDIS when he asked.
Still I didn't want to be just another person in the TARDIS shuffled about when something horrible happened. So I spent time with the Doctor and figured I got along proper with him. He was human, and according to him, my future was with him. Figured maybe it could just be [a false start] just that it'd be my choice to stay with him here, not being left behind. I don't even know how it really goes and I suppose I won't know much different anyway.
I keep trying to let myself get closer to them, but I think maybe I'm pulling away. Pulling away before they can get taken away, or leave me behind.
So he's back and I've not even said a word to him. Know where he's at, who he's spoken to. Know others have come and gone as well, quick as well. Jack, even Owen and now him.
Should just get it over with. It's just not something to get over with. It's not even something to get over.
He's just him, and I don't want to lose him again. I don't want to be left behind by him again. Guess I figured I couldn't be left if he didn't know I was here.
Fool of a plan that is.
[/private]
[Room 611 Filter]
[there's some pacing outside the door and even a time when she makes it all the way back to the elevator and presses to call for it, but she turns back and hesitates only twice before knocking. She's pretty sure he won't hear it anyway, TARDIS is usually pretty big, and easy to get lost in. The door to the castle being pretty distant at least, makes for less sound carrying all that way. Still she knocks twice and then waits]