† - 020 † afterthoughts & memories
[Broken for a Future Date Filter ~ Sam Winchester ~ 22 December]
I lost you today. It's odd because I'm not actually sure what it was like to have you yet. I'm barely settled into understanding that I'm going to be a mom to one of you, but two is still something that I think will take time. Today though I've realized that time isn't exactly mine to take. You were here, and then you weren't, and if you return you won't remember it anyway.
It's complicated and I'm sure it's meant to be easier to understand, and I'm used to the strange and unusual. I'm even used to lives being ripped away from me, I just didn't figure I'd have to figure it out so soon after having it before.
Because you've gone, I'm not sure if you'll actually show up again. Let alone if it'll be with me still here. Maybe it's a lost cause, and I'm not even sure if the journal understands what I meant by saying I didn't want this to be seen until I had left the castle. I mean it seems simple, sort of like leaving a letter on a table or tucked into the pages of a book passed on. I just figured this was more permanent. As much as this place can be permanent.
I know it's my fault that your life wasn't the one you expected it to be. I'm not going to say any different, and I'm not going to say it was a deal I wouldn't make again. Even if the life you had wasn't what I wanted for you I'm still proud of you. I know you tried to go to college, and I'm sure you ticked John off plenty with that choice, but I'm glad you did. He deserves to have things not go his way every once in a while.
I know what happens, and I know that the time we get together is slight, but I hope you know how much I love you. I hope you know John loves you too, even just in being here and listening to him talk about you I can hear it in his voice. You're going to do great things, I can just feel it and I'm sure if you don't your brother is going to be kicking your ass to make sure you straighten it out. I figure you're not going to have many chances to hear these things from me so I might as well get it all out there while I'm thinking of it. I'm proud of you, no matter what you do, I love you not just because you're my son and I know you're going to make some girl happy one day the way your father makes me happy.
Love - Mary
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[Broken for a Future Date Filter ~ John Winchester ~ 28 February]
I'm really hoping that this doesn't need to be used. I mean setting these things up feels a bit like writing a will out I plan on not needing in this place, but hell I've seen some rough things lately and I'd rather not risk something not being said.
I've been in this place for a while, and every time I think it's not going to hurt, every time I try and trust that this place is just a chance to have a life I never had something else changes it for me.
You might not even remember it, but for a while here I had you again John. Technically right now, since you're out wandering around the castle at the moment. Not that you're not you other times either, but it's different. It's different when I can look into your eyes and see that you're not worried I'm about to take off into the night, or get taken from you. It's how you look at me when you're not the John I know that scares me. You look at me like I'm going to break, or slip into the night. I guess if you're reading this then I have, but I'm here and I can't even tell you how much it scares me to see you look at me like that.
I want to stay, I want to have the life the boys deserve. I want to know that things get better and that being here changes something. I know it doesn't though, and all I know is that I need to have you look at me the way I remember. Maybe it's the age difference, but I'm not looking at that anymore. It's kinda crazy, but even a few days before Valentine's Day I was just noticing you and seeing the man I loved. It's kinda funny and I know it isn't going to be easy. I just need to sort out a way to make this right here. Just in case though, in case I never get up the nerve, or I end up slipping by I wanted to say it.
I love you, always have. You can be grumbling in the morning for stronger coffee, or looking confused as all hell at a ghost trying to make your bed for you. I'll always love you, and you can be damn sure you're always going to be my John. You raised our sons, and I'm lucky to have been able to see them. I trust you're a bit hard on them, but I know it's because you love them, and you don't want to lose them the way you lost me.
Just remember though, you'll always have me John. Here, there, now and then - always.
Love - Mary
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[Broken for a Future Date filter ~ Dean Winchester ~ 15 March]
Right now I'm not sure you even want to hear from me, and the best thing I can do is leave this and hope one day you'll be able to read it and know that I know the things in your life that are too hard, that are a struggle to deal with, I know that they all start with me. It's a tough thing to realize a few moments after you watch the love of your life die in your arms that a single choice shapes the lives of so many people. It did though, it not only shaped your lives but it changed it from what I wanted it to be.
I'm not sure what goes on back home yet. I know what John's told me, but I know it's not everything. I know that my family is gone, and that line of hunters is supposed to end with me. I know that things I want and need for my family I have for too short of a time. I have stories John's told me about you as a kid, and I've even seen both of you at different points of your lives. I'm not sure I could ever replace that even with knowing the moment I leave here it'll all be lost. I'll have John, and I'll think I've put this behind me. The days will pass and your life will change.
I wish I could apologize for it there. I wish I could look at you when you're old enough to know and tell you how sorry I am that it happened this way. That I should've stayed home, that I shouldn't have thought it was just another demon. Regardless of life not being the way it should've been I see the man this life has made you into.
I think you would be this strong regardless of the path you walked. My momma was stern and she'd tan your hide sooner than let you get away with something. There was that sort of strength in her that you just couldn't deny. I see that in you and I know I named you well. She didn't let Dad get away with anything, and she still looked out for him regardless. Dad was headstrong and had a bit of a wild streak in him that tended to get him in a bit over his head. Still Momma was there to bail him out and make sure he didn't get his neck wrung.
You're gonna hit hard times, I know it's been bad lately, and that it might seem like it's just gonna fill up with more secrets. Hell this family should have the trademark on that, but you're stronger than that. I know it sounds like a cheap line, but it's true. You've raised your brother, you've held John together in rough times and that takes more than just patience that takes a hell of a lot more than that.
I can't say things will get better, I can't say that this place is gonna be your last shot at something you can call your own either. I just know that should you get a shot to be done with it? I can tell you to run, I can tell you to set up and have your own life and start a family, but I think it's going to be harder for you than it could've been for me. Even here you look out for others, and that's something more important than keeping your head low and staying out of trouble. There's going to be a time when you'll have to make a choice Dean, and I want you to know that I trust you to make the right one.
I love you, and I've never been more proud to have a son grow up to be like you.
Love - Mary
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[Broken for a Future Date filter ~ Sam Winchester ~ 16 March]
There are times when I wish I was closer to the two of you. I know it's difficult since I'm nearly ten years younger than the two of you. Well not that much younger than you, but still, it can't be easy to come to me when I'm not the Mom you're used to. I especially wish I was closer to you Sam, and maybe that's on my head for not pushing more. For not prying like I guess a mom should, but to be honest I hated it when my mom did that. I suppose I'm just not ready for that sort of nagging behavior just yet. I'm sure in a way you're relieved, but I can imagine it's not easy either.
Right now I really wish I knew what was going on with the two of you, and I wish I knew how to just make it better. Mom's are supposed to do that. They're supposed to be there for you and take away the pain and make you feel better. Dean's in a rough spot and I know it's going to be more difficult for you now. He's taking away something I'm sure you're not sure of yourself. It's going to be hard and no one is going to be able to make it better.
I've seen you here though, I've watched you show just how strong you are. You can deal with this, probably better than I could. You'll know what to do, and you'll be there for your brother because I know he's been there for you just the way I wish I could've been.
I don't mean to make it sound horrible, and I'm sure it sort of does me writing it out like this, but I've been writing these entries for a bit now. Private thoughts, sometimes notes to each of you just in case, and right now I'm not even sure there is a just in case thought that'll work quite right.
Just know that you're going to make it through this. The both of you are Winchesters and you come from some damn good genetics. I'm not just saying that because I can either. Well maybe I am, but it's hard trying to sort out the right mom thing to say. I am that though, and I always will be. At twenty, or at forty I'll still trust you to make the right choice and I'll still trust you to know better. I'll trust you to take care of your brother too, cause sometimes he's gonna need it, and most times he's not going to ask.
He takes after me like that, and if you've handled him this long, I'm pretty sure you'll be able to keep it up.
Love - Mary
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[ooc: These were written on the dates shown but not 'open' to those they were filtered to until she had left the castle, which sadly she has ~]